Chapter 23 #3
“You already apologized. And with the gift you brought me, I made something.” I turned and opened my drawer to pull out the bone carving I’d been working on.
I’d finished it a week before, but I’d been nervous to give it to him.
I pulled it out and ran the pads of my fingers over the intricate protection knot then the snake scales.
I took hold of the thin leather strap I’d attached it to and held it up.
“I told you I’d make you something.” I slid off the bed and took a step toward him.
That intensity between us turned icy. “Are you sure you want to come close to me?”
I steeled myself. This was Vander, my trainer.
The man I’d been living with for a long time.
There was no reason to be afraid. And to prove he didn’t frighten me, I climbed onto the bed beside him and held out the bone pendant.
“It’s a protection knot we use in Neverglade.
And the serpent is for your name, obviously. ”
With a small smile, he turned it over in his hands and held it up to the lamp light. “You truly are talented, Bonecarver. Thank you. It means a lot, especially that you’re giving it to me now that you know.”
“Did you think I would turn on you?”
He frowned. “You should have.”
“Are you happy I didn’t? Nothing has to change. I will take your secret to the grave.”
“It scares me that you won’t be able to do what you must to survive as an assassin, and not because you lack the skill. But selfishly, I’m relieved you don’t want me dead.”
I placed my hand over his for reassurance. “It’s different and you know it. You don’t want to kill me.”
He let out a humorless laugh. “No. Quite the opposite.” He pressed the carving I made him into my palm.
“Would you mind putting it on me?” He scooted forward, giving me space to slide behind him.
I tied the two ends of the leather behind his neck, using one of the knots he’d shown me.
I sensed his unease, the undercurrent of his distress bleeding into me.
It was alarming when he was usually calm and collected.
I settled beside him once again and he grabbed the pendant between his fingers. “I’ll wear it always.”
“My mother said there is magic in this protection knot from a woman who... cares deeply for the man she gives it to.”
He smiled. “Probably even more magic if she carved it herself.” Quiet settled between us once again, until he finally said, “It doesn’t scare you to be close to me? You ran from me, you held a sword to me not even an hour ago. What are you thinking now? I feel like you’re handling this too well.”
Part of me was still in a state of shock. It didn’t feel real that he was a vampire. He was the same man I’d come to know. Nothing had changed but my knowledge of it.
“I was initially shocked and confused and in some ways I felt betrayed.”
He inclined his head as if to say Obviously.
“But I understand why you never told me. I wouldn’t tell anyone if I was you.”
“You’re still in shock. It will wear off, and realization will set in.”
I ran my fingers through my hair. “You wanted me to kill you, and I chose not to. I’ve accepted what you are and it hasn’t changed that you are still Vander.
I’ve been close to you since last summer.
We’ve done everything together and formed a bond that I’ve never had with anyone before, not even my family.
I think deep down I knew what you are. I had a dream—”
“The dream where I bit you and you ran.”
I blinked, taken aback. “That’s one you experienced with me?”
He nodded.
I let out a shaky breath. It was unnerving to know he shared a connection like that with me.
Especially when I thought about the sensuality of the dream before he bit me in it.
“And I noticed you’re always cold. Even when the weather is warm your touch is cool.
The only time you’ve ever felt warm was when we laid together. ”
“Vampires are coldblooded in a sense, but I don’t need external warmth to live. I don’t feel cold. I will warm in the sun, and being close to you warmed me. I think my body adapted to yours.”
“Can you shadow walk?”
He took in a deep breath. “I can.”
That made my spine tingle. I’d only seen the vampire woman in the cave do it and it was unnerving at best. “Can you show me?” An idea sparked. “I could learn to fight against shadow walking if we train—”
“Maybe someday I will show you, but not tonight. I think you have enough to take in without me doing that.”
I took his hand again and squeezed it. “You’re not considering leaving after you kill Dravyn? Or worse, going to Commander Ace or Locke... are you?”
“I haven’t decided.”
My jaw dropped. “You can’t. You have to stay with me.”
He lifted his chin, and our faces were inches apart.
“Eventually I will be found out. Every day I think it could be the day, and I can’t bring you down with me.
There will come a time when I will have to leave or die.
And when that happens, if I’m not LOA, if I’m not accepted by my people, then what reason is there to live? ”
My chest seized. “No. You’ve been here this long, and no one has found out.”
“You did. Beast did. Something will happen and my ruse will end.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Then stay for me. Live for me. And your Aunt Murial. You have people who care for you, vampire or not. You can’t go to the Commanders to end your life. Even if they find out, run.”
His knuckles scraped against my cheek, wiping the droplet away. “I’m not going anywhere until I know you’ll be fine without me.”
I’ll never be fine without you, never, I wanted to shout. The urge to lean into him enveloped me. I wanted his lips on me, anywhere, everywhere. My heart became erratic.
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to mine and let out a low moan. “Aesira.” My name was a plea. “You’re doing it again.”
“What?” I whispered.
“I see your thoughts as vivid as a dream, and you will be fine without me.”
I flushed but he already knew I wanted him.
What scared me more was that it felt like he was already leaving.
Like he’d made up his mind. I wanted to change it.
If we kissed, if he loved me, he would have reason to stay.
What did it matter if we crossed the apprentice-trainer line when his very existence here at Drakthar wasn’t breaking a rule, it was a death sentence?
I eased in, moving a breath away where I waited for him.
Please. The tension between us simmered ready to boil over. His breaths came faster. Then he pulled back and tore his gaze from mine. “Remember when I said there would never be feelings between us other than loyalty? I meant that.”
The air tore from my lungs. The heat in my veins turned to ice. I thought seeing him drink blood was the hardest blow I could be dealt.
I was wrong.
Even if I knew he felt something for me other than loyalty, I was too proud to beg.
Too crushed to speak.
I slowly rose, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other until I climbed into my bed and pulled my blanket up.
I didn’t let the pain surface. I kept the burning tears at bay.
Even though I’d been gut-punched twice tonight, I couldn’t let myself be angry with him.
He had warned me when I first arrived here.
I wished I could take back the last five minutes. This was why I’d never let myself kiss Kace. I didn’t want my heart to be obliterated.
If Vander lusted for me, one half of it was likely my blood he craved and the other was probably because of my ridiculous fantasies, and my fault for sending them. Everything about this night felt like a fever dream and I hoped I would wake in the morning to find none of it was real.