Chapter 24
The next morning, I hadn’t slept at all, and unfortunately the previous night wasn’t a dream.
I dressed in my uniform and went through my stretching routine while Vander bathed and readied himself for the day.
I hoped the gloom of the night would have dissipated with the morning sun, but it was worse.
The bathroom door creaked open. His footfalls tensed my entire body.
I leaned forward over my knee and stared down at the floor so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact.
I could always deny that I’d attempted to kiss him.
After all, he’d leaned in and nearly kissed me after he’d sewn up my hand, and we’d never spoken of it.
But I couldn’t deny the stupid, intimate thoughts that I kept accidentally sending him.
I could send him different thoughts today—of me kicking him in the balls for being cruel.
Now that the shock had passed, I was angry that he’d tried to command and persuade me to kill him.
I was furious that once he took out Dravyn Knox, he was even considering leaving Nighthaven and the League, or worse, having Commander Ace execute him.
And his story about seeing me in the woods near my house, saying I was beautiful, and that he admitted to watching me for hours only to reject me, burned me up.
Why tell me that story? Why tell me that I am the reason he didn’t give up on life that day if he still planned to do it later anyway?
The longer I’d stewed on it, the less heartbroken I became, and the more resentment simmered in me. I spotted one of the pretty dresses he’d bought for me hanging in the closet and was half tempted to throw it out the tower window—on fire.
I was edgy. I needed to run. I took in a few deep cleansing breaths to steady my pounding pulse. The toes of Vander’s black boots came into view. I ground my teeth before lifting my chin. “Yes?”
He narrowed his eyes at my tone, leaned up against the wall and crossed his arms. “If you still want to, we could go see your family today. Unless you don’t want me around them.”
In my mind, I slapped him across the face for such a stupid comment. Of course I wanted to see them, and him being a vampire clearly hadn’t changed my mind about him or I’d be the one going to Commander Ace. I had no fear that he would suddenly lose control and hurt my family.
The corner of his mouth turned up. “Did you just think about slapping me?”
I jumped to my feet and glared. “Sure did.” I whirled on my heel and trudged out the door. I made it down the stairwell and through the passage out of Drakthar before Vander fell into step beside me.
“Why?”
“Didn’t see that clearly?” I sneered, balling my hands into fists at my sides.
He frowned. “Once we’re outside the wall, you can lead the way to your house.”
“Ha!” I shook my head and marched faster through the grass and under the canopy of trees. The sun was out but spring rain looked to be on the horizon. “Don’t you know where it is? You did spy on me there.”
His face fell and he pulled me to a stop. “Are you angry that I didn’t tell you I saw you before The Sorting Rite sooner? I’m confused.”
“Well, I’m confused too. I guess we’re even.
” I took off, making for Nighthaven’s wall as fast as my legs could move.
Wind whistled in my ears at this speed. I pulled my hood and mask up and when I arrived at the base the rope waited.
I climbed it with an ease I could have only dreamed of when I first arrived here.
Once I hit the ground on the other side I kept running.
I needed to go home. I needed my father’s warm arms around me, my sister’s laughter, my brother’s teasing, my grandmother’s cooking, and my mother’s... I pushed harder.
I knelt on my mother’s grave. I hugged the stone with her name and the name of the baby brother I never met: Aiden.
It was the first thing I saw, walking down the familiar dirt road to my house.
The flowers in the window boxes were in full bloom, buttercups, daisies, and my mother’s favorite, lavender.
Anglor, our russet horse, grazed in the pasture with a handful of white sheep.
Smoke rose out of the chimney, and it smelled like baking bread.
My heart longed for this and even though everything looked as I’d left it, it wasn’t.
My mother’s absence cast an invisible shadow.
My tears dripped onto the grass over the grave.
I hadn’t gone inside. No one in my family knew I was out here.
Vander waited in the shadows of the barn, sitting on a hay bale.
I set the bouquet of wildflowers I’d picked on the way against the stone.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Mama. I wanted to be.
Sometimes I think I can feel you with me.
” I swiped at my cheek. “I hope it’s true.
I could use your help right now. I always knew life was hard, but it seems like the older I get, the more difficult it is.
You always told me to make good choices.
But you didn’t tell me what to do when the choice isn’t good or bad.
” My throat tightened and ached. “Is it alright to do something wrong for good reasons?” A yellow and red butterfly landed on the gravestone.
It was the size of my palm and beautiful.
I reached for it, and it fluttered onto my finger. I smiled. My mother loved butterflies.
I knew my father and mother would tell me to turn Vander in. The League would have me do it too. Even Vander wanted me to end him.
“Your mother always told you to trust your heart.” The butterfly lifted off my finger, and I turned to my father towering over me. I jumped up and threw myself into his arms. He smelled of cedar and woodsmoke. His beard and hair had more gray in it than the last time I’d seen him.
“I missed you so much.”
He gently patted my back and held me at arm’s length. “We’ve missed you around here too.” He beamed at me. “Look at you, my Sese in an assassin uniform and with all these weapons. My little girl is all grown up.”
I smiled at the nickname he’d used since I was a child.
It made me feel suddenly younger, even though he was speaking about the opposite.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. I didn’t even know about what happened to Mother and the baby until a few weeks ago.
I wished I could have known she was sick, I would have been here. I would have—”
“You’re here now. And your mother knows how much you loved her.”
“How have you been?”
“Oh.” His eyes drifted to my mother’s gravestone.
“As well as I can be. It’s been hard without her.
It was even harder to watch her fade when I couldn’t do anything to help, and then my son.
..” His chin trembled and he sniffled. I had to choke back the tears fighting their way to the surface.
“If I didn’t have your sister and grandma to look after, I don’t know how I would survive. ”
“Don’t forget about me,” I said.
“You and your brother don’t need me anymore.” He gave me a sad smile and a gentle shoulder squeeze.
“I’ll always need you, Dad. Even when I’m old. A girl always needs her dad.”
He chuckled and ran a hand down his bushy black beard. “I’m glad to hear that.”
“Aesira, is that you?” Kayda stood in the back doorway.
She wore one of my old navy blouses that contrasted beautifully with her creamy skin.
She looked more like our mother than ever, with the same dark hair and big eyes.
My chest ached. I would have to hold it together.
I was the elder sister after all. I waved and she turned back to the house. “Aesira is home!”
Kayda was the first to reach me and hugged me tight enough I thought my ribs would crack. She tugged on my sword hilt and squealed. “I can’t believe you have a sword on your back! I hardly even recognize you! It’s not the same without you here!”
My brother Ivarr held Grandma’s hand and guided her toward us.
Ivarr had grown in the time I’d been gone.
He looked more like a man than a boy now.
He was tall like my father but not as brawny.
Our mother always said he took after her father in build.
“Aesira, the assassin!” Ivarr howled with joy.
“Not sure how you got chosen with those scrawny arms.” Ivarr always had a smile and a joke to tell.
“Yeah, yeah, I could whip you, scrawny arms or not.”
He grinned. “I’d like to see that!”
“I’ll give you a demonstration later. I promise not to make you cry too hard.”
My silver-haired grandma jerked me into a hug. She smelled like peppermint oil, and it warmed my heart. It was a welcome gesture after our last interaction when she’d slapped me in the face. “Aesira, darling, we’ve missed you. Your father is bored to tears without his carving partner.”
There were hugs and tears and a barrage of questions from my siblings. They wanted to know everything about Nighthaven and the assassins, but father held up his hands, silencing everyone. “Let’s go inside and talk over a meal. I’m sure she’ll be happy to answer all your questions then.”
“Race you in, Grandma?” Kayda teased.
“Oh, yes, since I’m so fast in my old age,” she crowed.
They laughed and both she and Ivarr guided my grandmother back inside.
My father turned toward the barn where one of our cats had taken up residence on Vander’s lap.
It was Nessy, the fluffy orange and white that caught more mice than all the others.
I wouldn’t have taken Vander for a cat person.
I thought she would have been afraid of him, too.
She usually didn’t like strange men—or vampires.
My father cleared his throat. “Are you going to invite your friend or leave him waiting with the animals?”
Even if I was frustrated with him, now wasn’t the time to show it. “That’s Viper. You’ve met once.”