Chapter 35
Something had swept over the school in the weeks after the formal, something like change.
People began noticing me and I wasn’t used to that, at least not in a positive way.
Back when Ronan was in school we were inseparable.
I really think people only knew I existed because I was beside him; when I wasn’t I might as well have been invisible.
But after the formal everyone began to see me as if I was right back by Ronan’s side once again.
They wanted to know if he’d seen the photos and what he thought of his award, which they were calling the ‘King Award’, even though that wasn’t its official title.
‘Do you think Ronan would come in to school one morning?’ Jennifer asked me on a stroll from English class. ‘Everyone’s asking about him, and I mean everyone.’
‘Funny,’ I said, ‘you haven’t asked about him in a while.’
I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Or maybe I had, since it had been bothering me that ever since the formal, Jennifer didn’t seem interested in how Ronan was doing.
She stopped.
‘I have asked you about Ronan,’ she said with her brow crinkled.
‘You haven’t.’
‘I definitely have, Brendan.’
‘Jennifer, I swear, you haven’t, not since the formal stuff.’
It wasn’t like me to confront things, but it also wasn’t like Jennifer to be so disinterested.
‘I’m sorry if I haven’t, Brendan, although I really think I have, maybe I’ve only felt like I’ve asked about him because he’s always in my thoughts, but I’m really sorry if I haven’t said things out loud.
’ It seemed like she was thinking on the spot.
‘Maybe I’m also aware that you have a lot on your plate and you don’t always want to talk about Ronan all the time. ’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘I don’t mean …’
‘… especially with you …’
‘… Well, why haven’t you talked about him with me?’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘Were you testing me or something?’
‘I don’t know …Yeah, probably.’
‘Well, I obviously failed, did I?’
‘Jennifer, everything’s not a flippin’ test to be passed!’
My outburst caused her to pull her lips inside her mouth and then she let them out again.
‘I don’t know what to say, Brendan. You’ve obviously been thinking about this a lot.’
‘I haven’t really.’
‘Well, it seems like you have. I always want to hear about Ronan. I’m here for you to talk about anything.’
‘I know that, it’s just …’ I trailed off, I was beginning to feel stupid for making a big deal out of it.
‘Are you OK?’ she said.
‘Yeah, I’m being stupid probably. Are you OK?’
‘Let me get back to you on that,’ she said, twisting her mouth up.
‘I think I’m on a bit of a comedown from it all; it was such a build-up, especially for us because I think we’d sort of prepped ourselves for not going at all and then suddenly we were and I was picturing how it all would be in my head, which I shouldn’t really because …
well, things don’t always … anyway, it’s over now.
And these past weeks have been sort of … ’
‘Different?’ I said.
‘Yeah, there’s definitely a different feeling in school, right? And you know what? It really is because of Ronan. And I’m not just saying that because of … I’m saying it because it’s true, the difference is because of him.’
‘Because of him getting the award?’
‘Because people have finally woken up to the fact that it’s Ronan,’ she said.
‘It’s like everyone was thinking of him as this kid that something bad had happened to, but when it came to voting for the awards and everyone thought of him in loads of categories, it’s like they started to remember him the way they should have been thinking about him in the first place.
So they’re all asking you about him now, I think they’re feeling a bit guilty or something – I don’t know. ’
‘Yeah, it feels weird everyone talking to me like this. I mean, where were they six months ago? All they wanted to do then was gossip about the accident. No one even made any effort to be in touch with him outside school except me.’
‘I guess people are finally realising just how special Ronan is,’ she said as we approached the canteen and stood there, knowing it was time to go our separate ways. ‘Lunchtime equals study time, right?’
‘Yes, Mum,’ I said jokingly, but Jennifer turned sharply.
‘Oh crap, you’re right, sorry, pushy parent syndrome! I’m becoming my mum!’
Her reaction was so sudden I could only assume it must have been a fear that was a bit too close to the bone to even joke about.
When I had met Mrs Beattie on the night of the formal, I got the impression she was a woman used to having power and control, a woman who could never be anything other than on the top rung of the ladder and might even climb over anyone to get there.
Then there was Jennifer’s dad, who had an arrogant quality about him that I didn’t like and certainly didn’t trust. I hadn’t told Jennifer about what was said between her dad and me on the night of the formal.
‘What’s wrong with your parents?’ I asked. ‘They seemed nice when I met them.’
We both knew ‘nice’ was not the right word.
‘What’s wrong with my parents?! Brendan, where do I start?’ Jennifer said, getting worked up quickly. ‘You know, I think the thing that’s most wrong with them is that they do everything right.’
‘They can’t do everything right,’ I said, thinking of how wrong Mr Beattie had been to bring up Ronan with me.
‘I mean, they want everything to be right, including me!’
‘What do they think’s wrong with you?’
‘That I don’t want to follow in their footsteps.’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘you know what I think about that.’
‘I know and you’re right, I should just follow my passion, try for drama school and forget law school, but I don’t know – I don’t want to think about it, it’s probably why things have been different these past few weeks too.
I’ve been so distracted lately. I’m already dreading the two weeks I have to spend with them and my sister, she’s coming home for the Easter break.
I’m going to need an excuse to get away from them as much as possible. ’
She looked down, shuffling her feet, and glanced up at me.
‘Have you any plans for Easter yet?’ she asked.
‘Well, plenty of revision, of course.’
‘Good,’ she said, ‘that’s good.’
‘Yeah, and I’m going to try and see Ronan as much as I can, I know his parents are planning on going to Kilmare Forest Park for a day trip so I’m definitely joining them on that. And Dad’s got extra driving lessons planned too. So yeah, that’ll be my Easter break.’
‘Cool, well, maybe we could—’
‘And I’m going to be working, too,’ I said, cutting her off.
‘Working? Where?’
‘Well, I haven’t told you this because … well, I actually work at a funeral home on the weekends and over the school holidays.’
‘Oh …’
‘Not, like, with the dead bodies or anything or the funerals; I just wash the vehicles and stuff, that’s all.’
‘Oh right, is that a new thing?’
‘No, I’ve actually been working there for over three years now but I’ve never told anyone in school, except Ronan, because I thought they’d freak out.’
‘Why would they freak out?’
‘Because it’s all with death and dead bodies, people would think I’m even more of a weirdo.’
‘I don’t think that,’ she said. ‘Did you think I would?’
‘No, I’d just kept it a secret for so long I suppose I was used to that, but since we’re … um … closer and stuff, I thought you should know.’
‘I think it’s great having a part-time job, and I wouldn’t care if you were working with dead bodies, I actually think it’s kind of cool.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, don’t look so worried, Brendan, you didn’t think I’d run away screaming, “He’s a freak” the second you told me, did you?’
‘No, but I’m just a bit weird like that, aren’t I?’ I said.
‘And so am I,’ she said.
‘OK, so yeah, when not at Ronan’s or driving or revising, I’m going to be working at Feeney’s Funeral Home, so I’ll be busy.’
‘OK, good,’ she said, ‘probably too busy for us to hang out probably?’
I felt two hands press a weight down onto my shoulders from behind.
‘Tell Ronan I said “Yo!” next time you see him!’ said Mick Maloney, coming round with a bounce between Jennifer and me.
‘Will do,’ I said, as Mick half jogged into the canteen.
‘You seeing him tonight?’ Jennifer asked.
‘Yeah.’
‘You really should ask him if he’d be up for coming into school, even if just to see his old form class – it might be good for him?’
‘Yeah, maybe I will.’
But I knew it was more complicated than that for Ronan.
‘OK well, go study,’ she said.
‘OK, well, go eat,’ I said.
She stalled for a second.
‘Brendan. I think … I think what it is … I think I was looking forward to the formal so much because, well, I knew we weren’t going to have the chance to get properly close or anything, but I wanted us to have a special moment together, just us.
I maybe thought the night was our … well, ours.
’ She was starting to get flustered. ‘I’m going to sound awful … ’
‘No, what is it?’
‘Well, it was sort of Ronan’s, wasn’t it? I don’t mean this in a bad way and I know it was brilliant, I’m not blaming you, but most of the night I was on my own watching you taking photos of everyone and … doesn’t matter.’
I felt hot on the back of my neck. I had no idea that Jennifer had felt alone on the night of the formal, no idea that all my attention on Ronan had taken so much attention away from her.
I didn’t know that maybe I’d ruined her night.
And yet I didn’t want to apologise for that.
I didn’t want to feel guilty for putting so much energy into giving my best friend the experience of the formal he couldn’t go to.
I didn’t want to feel bad about that experience coming at the expense of Jennifer; but it did and I did feel bad and I had no words.
Jennifer stood waiting for me to say something, anything, but I didn’t.
‘I shouldn’t have said …’ she said.
I think I was nodding slowly, trying to understand how a night that felt so wonderful for me felt so different for her. I’d made such an effort with everything, we’d even kissed at the end of the night.
‘So … these past weeks,’ I said, ‘you didn’t mention … are you saying you haven’t asked about Ronan because …’
‘No …’ she said, ‘not because … Forget I said anything, Brendan. I did have a brilliant night, I really did, it was just different than I thought, that’s all. I shouldn’t have built it up.’
My throat felt tight. I didn’t know if I was angry or embarrassed or both.
‘Yeah, I guess we were lucky to have been able to go …’ I said.
Jennifer seemed to have caught my meaning. She tried a smile but couldn’t hold it.
‘Tomorrow,’ she said, ‘if we’re … tomorrow I’d really love to hear about how Ronan is,’ she said, trying to catch my eye.
‘And …’ my throat was now burning, ‘I’d really love to tell you,’ I said, despite not knowing if I really would after what she’d just said.
Jennifer shifted from side to side, turned unsteadily and walked off slowly to the canteen.
I leaned against the wall in a slight daze before mustering up some energy to get myself to the library to try to study, to focus, to distract myself with things that had answers and escape from the things in my head that didn’t.
When I saw Ronan later that night, I briefed him on the usual list of greetings and well wishes from everyone at school.
‘Mick told me to say “Yo”.’
His eyes brightened and his chest rose and he laughed.
‘Yah-oh,’ he said.
‘Ronan, with everyone talking about you, do you think you’d be up for coming into school one day – only for a bit, not the whole day or anything?’
The smile on Ronan’s face dropped and his brows darkened over his eyes.
‘N-noo,’ he said emphatically. ‘Nah-oh.’
He took big puffing breaths and calmed himself down.
‘Sorry,’ I said.
He took a couple more and began to settle.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said again.
I didn’t want to push him, but he was starting to gain control of his emotions much more, taking charge of his own soothing. It gave me the confidence to gently ask him why.
‘N-nah … naht … say-mm.’ He breathed out and rasped in more air. ‘Naht say-mm.’
‘Not the same?’
He nodded.
‘Mee.’
‘You?’
He did a small nod and looked up at me, a little tearful.
‘I don’t want to share you with anyone anyway,’ I said to try and lighten things. ‘It was actually Jennifer who brought it up today. Also, guess what? I told her about working at Feeney’s and she didn’t freak out.’
Ronan twisted his head up to the right but kept his eyes on me.
‘Although, we had a bit of an argument as well. Not about the funeral home, something else … girls are complicated.’
Ronan did a stifled noise in his throat.
‘She said she wanted us to have a special moment together on the night of the formal. Just us. Do you think she meant … because how’s this having a girlfriend stuff supposed to work?
Was I supposed to … or was she expecting us to …
because I haven’t a clue … well, I know how it works, but I don’t actually know how it works, you know, that kind of thing. ’
Ronan was staring at me. Turning a bit red in his cheeks. Same as me probably.
‘Remember in second year you told me about your dad giving you the sex talk?’
Ronan suddenly let out a short chuckle and it made me laugh too.
‘My dad never tried that chat with me and I really hope he doesn’t try now. Can you imagine? Anyway, I don’t think I’m … I don’t know. You know the way I said I didn’t buy a condom from John McKeever? I actually maybe did.’
Ronan started laughing almost uncontrollably now. So did I.
‘I should bring it back to him for a refund!’
Now we were in hysterics, our eyes filled with laughter tears.
‘But seriously,’ I said through the ache in my throat, ‘ever since the formal things have been better, people have been kinder, which, Jennifer and me both agreed, is pretty much all because of you.’
He snorted.
‘No really, something’s different. When you were in school I know you got on well with everyone but it was never like that for me; I was only ever happy when you were there and since you haven’t I’ve been unhappy the whole time basically.
But after you got the award – people are calling it the “King Award”, by the way – so ever since you became “King” it’s changed.
I don’t know, maybe it’s because people are talking about you to me all the time, it’s almost like you’re back again. ’
Ronan was breathing steadily. He looked down at his feet, then across the floor at my feet, then his eyes slowly tracked up to my face.
‘Say-mm,’ he said.
‘Same?’
‘Say-mm. Say-mm. Wee …’
‘We’re the same?’
‘Wee say-mm.’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘we are the same. We always will be.’
Ronan lifted his hand, not quite able to reach mine, so I sat forward and held his.
‘And nothing,’ I said, ‘will ever change that.’