Chapter 40
The McCoys weren’t the only ones trying to keep me focused on exams.
‘You need to keep your head in the game, young fella,’ said Mr Feeney.
‘But who’s going to wash the vehicles every weekend if I don’t?’ I said.
‘The wife,’ he said with a wink. ‘Only jokin’, we’ll look after things, Brendan, don’t you worry. Nothin’ll be done to your standards, a’course, apologies in advance for the state they’ll be in on the other side of your exams.’
‘Mr Feeney, I know you think time off work to study is the right thing but I really need my weekends here, I really do, I’ll even work for free!’
‘Brendan, if it were either of my own two daughters going through their exams I’d be doing the same thing.’
No amount of protesting could convince him.
It was the same with driving lessons; Dad said we wouldn’t be doing our Sundays during the exam weeks.
‘But you’re not getting out of Fridays and Saturdays; you’re doing well but not that well,’ he’d said.
On the last study day before my first exam, I was sitting in the school library with Jennifer. We were the only ones there; most students were staying home for their study days.
‘God, if even your dad is cutting down on your driving lessons then you know it’s serious,’ Jennifer whispered.
‘I know,’ I whispered back, ‘they think they’re taking the pressure off, but they’re actually laying it on!’
‘Do you know what it is, Brendan? They feel helpless.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Parents: they can’t do the studying for us, they can’t sit the exams for us, there’s very little they can do except impose some level of control.’
‘Great, I’ll blame them if I fail then!’
‘Doesn’t work like that,’ Jennifer said. ‘But you won’t fail. The end’s in sight.’
‘Yeah, that’s a good target, then I can say goodbye to this place.’
‘You really want school to end?’ Jennifer asked.
‘I don’t know, I guess I’m not properly thinking about it,’ I said because I wasn’t, I was only thinking that ‘the end’ meant the beginning of a whole new level of friendship between Ronan and me, the beginning of the story he’d already started to tell, the beginning of him giving it an ending.
‘Brendan?’ said Jennifer, shifting a little closer to me. ‘Will we, you know, still see each other after it all? When we leave?’
‘Of course we will. Yes.’
‘You’re sure about that?’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘Because I’ve wanted us to meet up outside school quite a few times and you’ve always managed to change the subject and dodge it.’
‘Have I?’ I said, trying for an expression of innocence.
Jennifer raised an eyebrow.
‘Like, why are we studying in the library when I told you my parents are working and I have a free house?’
‘How much studying would we actually have done, though?’ I said, raising an eyebrow back.
‘Well, I think that’s kind of the point,’ she said. ‘Or, is that not what you want?’
‘No, I do … want. It’s just …’
‘What?’
‘I’ve never … you know, done it.’
‘Well, neither have I,’ she said, blushing. ‘But I’d like to. It sometimes feels like I’m the only virgin in our year.’
‘Eh, hello?’ I said, waving my hand.
‘Well, do we really want to finish school without … Look, Brendan, I just want to know what’s happening with us and what’s in store when we leave.’
‘I thought you didn’t like speculating on the future?’
‘I don’t, but sometimes it’s good to have a plan, or at least know we feel the same about a possible plan after we leave here.’
‘Well, it’s the tech for me if I get the grades. Can’t imagine your parents allowing you to go to the tech college though.’
‘Yeah, but it’s one of the places I’ve got an offer for too, but let’s cross that bridge after results. Anyway, don’t think I haven’t noticed you changing the subject again, you’re way too good at that. Why can’t we do stuff outside school?’
‘We can.’
‘Then why haven’t we?’
‘Because …’
‘Because why?’
‘I guess there is no “because”,’ I said. ‘It’s probably that I just need to say yes.’
‘I mean, don’t say yes because I’m telling you to say yes, kind of defeats the purpose if there’s something else …’
‘No, there’s nothing else …’
‘… or something that I …’
‘… no, nothing that you, it’s me …’
‘Oh God, not the it’s not you, it’s me line?’
‘Jennifer!’ I said loudly enough to be shushed by the librarian, even though no one else was there.
I leaned in close and spoke to her more quietly.
‘I would love us to do stuff outside school.’
‘But … ?’
‘No but, it was a statement.’
She laughed.
‘Oh right,’ she said. ‘So is that you saying yes?’
‘To what?’
‘Oh my God, blood from a stone! To us … maybe … you know, getting closer?’
I felt something in my body. In my stomach and below.
‘Definitely,’ I said.
We stayed as long as we could before the librarian called home time. With all the excitement flooding my body that afternoon with Jennifer, a weekend with nothing else to do other than study and wait for my first exam to arrive felt like such a dampener.
On Saturday night, after dinner, I was in my room reading over my notes like I had been doing all day, except for a walk in the park that morning and a driving lesson with Dad in the afternoon.
‘Knock knock,’ came Mum’s voice on the other side of the door.
‘Yeah?’
‘Dessert?’ she said, coming in with a bowl and a spoon sticking up in it. ‘Ice cream. The cookie dough one.’
‘I didn’t know we had the cookie dough one.’
‘We didn’t, but I ran up to Sainsbury’s when you were out driving and picked up a tub.’
She brought the bowl over and I took a big spoonful, biting down into the soft ice to find a chewy chunk of dough. I think Mum must have fished out as many chunks as she could because there were loads.
‘How’s the recapping going?’ she said.
‘Good, yeah.’
‘Need any help?’
‘No, just reading over my notes – you wouldn’t be able to read my handwriting anyway.’
‘Well, if you change your mind …’
She hovered in the doorway. I could feel it was one of those moments where Mum wanted to be more affectionate but didn’t have whatever confidence was needed to do it naturally.
‘If your granny were still here she’d be praying to St Joseph for you,’ she said.
‘What’s he the patron saint of?’
‘Exams. And pilots.’
‘That’s some combination.’
‘Well, he could levitate, apparently, so that explains the pilots, I suppose.’
‘And I’m guessing he was an A star student, which would explain the exams?’
‘No, actually, he found it difficult to memorise things. So he worked hard and taught himself to read and then he would focus on just one thing and then pray that that thing would be on the exam.’
‘And that worked?’
‘Apparently it did; he became known for his great exam successes.’
‘And became a patron saint of them, not bad going.’
‘Not bad going at all.’
‘Mum, is this your way of getting me to say my prayers?’
‘No, it’s just who your granny would have prayed to.’
‘Well, she’s probably having a wee word with him up there right now.’
Mum smiled.
‘I talk to her every day, you know,’ she said. ‘Just a wee prayer and a wee thought to her. Every day.’
‘Well, Granny prayed for us every day too. I knew before I’d even woke up that Granny would have had a prayer said for me. It was nice to wake up knowing you’d been thought of before your day had even begun.’
‘Never underestimate the power of prayer, your granny always said.’
Mum twisted her hands awkwardly like a little girl who had been made to stand in front of the class to recite a poem.
‘Right, eat it before it melts.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
As she left I thought I heard her say something but she’d closed the door before I could reply.
I took another big spoonful of ice cream after she’d gone and swallowed.
I was thinking of Mum walking up to Sainsbury’s while I was on my driving lesson with Dad.
I was imagining her standing in front of the freezer in the shop and reaching inside to pick out the tub of my favourite ice cream.
I was picturing her standing at the checkout with the single item and the assistant ringing it through for her and then her brisk walk home to get the ice cream in the freezer before it melted.
‘Love you too,’ I said.
I did pray that night; I prayed for Mum and Dad, I prayed for Mr and Mrs McCoy, Mr Feeney, Jennifer, I prayed to Granny and I prayed for Ronan.
And then I prayed to St Joseph, I asked him to help me through my exams. And since he was also the patron saint of pilots, I wondered if he could help in another way.
‘Dear St Joseph, can you please help my good friend Ronan to fly, soar, to reach the highest heights?’
I don’t know if that’s what a patron saint of pilots can help with but it seemed appropriate.
During the night I woke with a jolt. It’s a thing that happens, apparently, when you’re falling asleep too quickly and your brain snaps you out of it.
That’s the science. But the experience is completely different; it’s as if you’re falling and just as you’re about to hit the ground your whole body bolts and you gasp awake with the feeling still inside you; the feeling of falling.