Chapter 41
On the morning of my final exam ‘the dark feeling’ came back.
I hadn’t felt it since September, waiting at the school gates for Ronan to arrive.
My final exam was French written, my weakest and least favourite subject, so if any exam were to stoke up the dark feeling it surely would be it, but still, I thought I was becoming a different person, someone who wasn’t capable of experiencing as many dark feelings anymore.
In the weeks of exams, of not seeing Ronan, of not working at Feeney’s, I felt like I could relate to the people who live in those Nordic or Scandinavian places, where there’s a part of the year there’s no daylight for months.
For them everything must be so much harder in the dark.
Time must take on a whole new meaning when the exact hour can’t be guessed by looking up at the sun’s position in the sky; looking up gives the same answer as looking down in the dark months.
But there must be a day when the people notice the tiniest bit of lightness in the sky and with each day after that the light increases a fraction until finally an actual edge of dawn sparks a fuse right across the land and into the squinting eyes of the people.
Maybe their reawakening eyes ache as their hearts rejoice to know that brighter times are coming, things will be easier and the darkness is behind – at least for another year.
It really had been weeks of darkness for me with everyone shepherding me into the ‘exam bomb shelter’, as if Mr Feeney, the McCoys, Mum and Dad had had some sort of committee meeting and came up with the plan together.
I knew they only acted out of love and protection but it still wasn’t easy.
At least I had weekly phone calls with the McCoys to keep me strong and motivated.
For the first few weeks those phone calls were my lifeline; to hear Ronan say my name on the other end, to laugh, to know how fast he was progressing in his speech and knowing how much more he would be able to tell me when we finally got to see each other.
But after those first weeks Ronan wasn’t feeling well enough to talk.
‘Fatigued,’ Mr and Mrs McCoy had said and apologised on Ronan’s behalf, but encouraged me to keep my head up since I had crossed the halfway mark and it wouldn’t be long until we’d see each other again.
Just get through to that final exam, they told me.
I wished it had been a nicer exam to end the entirety of my secondary school life with but it was the last one, that’s all that mattered. Jennifer still had another two left because she was doing more subjects than anyone else in the year. She was waiting for me when I emerged from the exam hall.
‘How’d it go?’ she asked.
‘It was OK,’ I said. ‘I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing; I’d almost rather it felt hard and right, instead of just OK and wrong.’
‘I know what you mean, I felt a bit like that too, maybe it’s a French thing?’
‘Yeah, those damn French,’ I said.
So that was it; school was over for me. There was something so anticlimactic about us standing there as other students exited the hall in ones and twos, running to join groups of friends screaming and hugging each other, crying that it was all over, they’d taken their final exam and they were free.
That energy was inside me too, because all I wanted to do was get home, change out of my uniform and get straight to Ronan’s house, I was sure there’d be some sort of secret surprise party arranged for the grand reunion, I just hoped Ronan wasn’t still too fatigued.
But standing there with the dark feeling still inside me – and knowing Jennifer had two more exams left to do without me being in school along with her – left me feeling a bit marooned.
All those weeks had been building up to a release and there I was with Jennifer, about to leave forever and it felt so ordinary.
‘Are you going home now?’ Jennifer asked.
‘Yeah, and then straight to Ronan’s to celebrate … I think! No one’s really said anything.’
‘It’s going to be so good; it’s been so long, it’s going to be lovely.
’ She was doing her awkward shuffle she usually did when she had things to say but wasn’t sure how to say them.
‘Just two more exams left for me and then I’ll do the same, except my family will be like, “Oh, well done, Jennifer, now stand out of the way, you’re blocking the TV. ”’ She laughed but not fully.
‘I doubt it,’ I said. ‘They’ll do something for you, I’m sure.’
‘Maybe, but I don’t think so, it’s all about results for them.’
‘Oh God, yeah, waiting for results, fun!’ I said. ‘At least waiting to see Ronan has stood me in good stead, only difference is that results aren’t something I’m looking forward to seeing.’
‘Lots of waiting,’ she said. ‘You’re probably all “waited” out. I mean, I’ve got another few days to go. Is it OK … do you mind, I mean … waiting for me and then you and I can do something?’
‘Something?’ I said, raising and lowering my eyebrows twice.
Jennifer laughed, her cheeks turning bright pink.
‘Yeah, maybe,’ she said. ‘No more school so we only have the big bad world now.’
‘Well, what about … Saturday? Get pizza or something? And go to the cinema … or something?’
‘Perfect!’ she said. ‘And actually … my parents are out Saturday night, so … maybe we can go back to my house after? We’d have the whole place to ourselves?’
She raised her eyebrows in the same way I had.
‘Yeah, OK,’ I said, laughing, feeling the things in my body that I felt when I thought those kinds of thoughts.
‘Great.’ She puffed in a big breath of air so her chest rose up and then let it out. ‘Feels weird,’ she said.
‘Us on the weekend?’
‘No, I meant … wait, that’s not weird, is it?’
‘No, I only mean because, well, it’ll be the first …’
‘Oh right, no I didn’t think that was weird. I know what you mean, though, but I didn’t … I didn’t think that. I meant it feels weird right now because it’s almost like we’re saying goodbye.’
‘Except we’ve just sorted this weekend so …’
‘I know but it sort of feels like goodbye even though I know it’s not.
’ She was shaking her head. ‘I’m being stupid.
My sister said that everyone in her year at exam time were saying “friends forever” and then it just never turned out like that – she doesn’t even know what any of her school friends are doing these days – she said that that’s the way it goes no matter what people tell you. After school they’re gone.’
‘Jennifer, you’re going to be sick of the sight of me after we leave here.’ She laughed and I stepped forward to meet her open mouth with mine and we kissed for the longest time.
Jennifer suddenly broke away and glanced at her watch.
‘Oh, crap! Geography exam! I need to go. OK … this is so … I don’t know … anyway, Saturday, pizza, cinema … and the rest.’
‘Saturday, pizza, cinema, and the rest.’
‘OK …’
‘OK … I’ll call you tonight…’
‘Right … um … yeah.’ She was getting fidgety, taking small steps back and forth. She took a tiny jump forward as if she was going to kiss me again but said, ‘Love you,’ then jumped back. ‘Sorry. Bye.’ And then she bounced away along the corridor without looking back.
The kiss, her words and how lovably awkward she was; how could these things not have made the dark feeling disappear?
The relief of having no more exams and finishing school forever didn’t seem to diminish it either.
If anything, the dark feeling felt stronger, gripping me, leaving me no choice but to take one last wander around the school grounds and hope that would make it go away.
It was not, as I knew, a feeling I should ignore.
More groups of students were around the school with their blazers off and shirts scribbled with signatures, ties cut in half. A few of them asked me to sign their shirt, which I did in a kind of disembodied way; I hope I wrote something nice.
My feet took me across the deserted playground.
‘Finally,’ came a voice from behind me. ‘The day I’ve been waiting for all year.’ It was Kevin Sherry, on his own for once, walking towards me. ‘The day where I no longer have to set eyes on you.’
I frowned at him.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘you kind of screwed that up since you’re staring at me right now. The day you never have to set eyes on me is tomorrow, Kevin.’
‘What if tomorrow never comes?’ he said.
‘Is that not a song?’
‘It’s a threat.’
‘Right.’
His shirt was so covered in signatures that it was more black and blue ink than white.
‘You know, Kevin,’ I said, ‘tomorrow’s also the day where I never have to set eyes on you again, and I can’t flippin’ wait for that.’
My shirt was still all white, no one thought to sign mine and I didn’t think to ask.
Kevin strode towards me. I think he expected me to run the way he did it, but I stood my ground. He lifted up his arm and I instinctively slapped it away. He did it again and I pushed him.
‘Oh, wee hard man?’ he said, coming back at me.
I shoved him even harder and he hit the ground. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know that I could.
‘Sorry,’ I said.
He was back on his feet in an instant and sprang towards me to hook the crook of his elbow around the back of my neck.
He grabbed my arm at the same time. I tried to squirm out of his hold but he pulled me into a headlock down by his waist. It was strangely gentle the way he did it, but I battered his legs with my fists to get him to let go.
‘I’m not trying to fight you, you fuckin’ eejit,’ he said while tightening his hold around my neck to weaken me and using his weight to force me onto my knees to flip me onto my back and pin me with my arms above my head as he sat on my chest.
‘Are you going to stop?’ he said.
‘I can’t breathe properly,’ I gasped.
‘Like one of your dead bodies?’ he said, his face down close to mine.
‘Well,’ I said, still struggling to get words out, ‘no breath generally does mean you’re dead, Kevin.’