19. Chapter 18 Svenn
Chapter 18 Svenn
I ’ve been sleepwalking through my entire existence until the day I met you.
You breathe life back into my soul.
I feel new when I’m with you. Different. Reborn.
Thank you for waking me up from thousands of years of nightmares.
Instead of these beautiful words I’ve been weaving these past weeks, the gods have damned my mouth to admit all the ways I want to ravage her.
I need to shoot myself in the head with a crossbow for the things I confessed to her in my trance.
Rhianelle is peacefully asleep in my lap with her head pressed against my chest. I can feel her gentle breaths tickling my skin.
The girl had the most horrible day today and yet she still manages to look like a sleeping angel by the end of it. She is ridiculously beautiful and so fucking lovely, the stuff of bright daydreams. No matter how I try to emulate her perfection in paintings or sculptures, I can’t seem to get it right.
I brush a knuckle over her soft cheek. Nel murmurs some things and nuzzles closer to me. Something about her seeking me in her sleep triggers an overwhelming protectiveness in me.
This good girl belongs to me.
Mine to cherish. Mine to keep. Mine to protect.
Even from fucking… gingerbread man.
I don’t take her fear lightly. I’ve seen her stand her ground against a gigantic opponent, jumped into the raging ocean without a second thought. Little fawn is brave. So, when she is truly well terrified of something, I believe her.
My cock hardens at the thought of her naked beneath this thin piece of covering. It quickly shifts into worry that she is not having enough insulation from the cold. I should have changed the fucking bedsheet and brought a bunch of clothes before bringing her to this godforsaken place. Such a domesticated thought would never occur to me before.
The things I do for my little fawn…
‘My Svenn.’
Rhianelle called me that earlier.
I feel the surging need to tell Bas about it over a drink. I think I finally understand why he would ponder on Gwyn’s words for days, analyzing and dissecting each of her actions. Han and I used to think he was losing his damn mind. But I get it now. Rhianelle has driven me to a similar point of insanity.
Her Svenn…
I can hardly fathom how something as pure and innocent as her would ever call me hers—
A violent crash sunders in my head, interrupting my musings. I release a heavy breath into the stale air. It seems like I have little choice but to visit him.
I close my eyes to enter into the deepest chasm of my mind. It’s peculiar the way our consciousness creates familiarity with the things we do not understand. The innermost part of myself is a dark and cold place, confined by black walls and charred stones derived from Hel itself.
A prison.
There is no joy or warmth in this hopeless void. Voices echo in the dark chamber, those of hatred and hunger. Every beast and demon roaming within me has gathered in one place—around him.
I do not wish to be here any longer than I must. The quicker I do this, the faster I can leave. I force myself to take a step forward to answer their summon.
The calling leads me to a narrow tunnel and a set of stairs, leading down to an endless abyss. Multiple torches line the dark pathway, flickering uselessly against the devouring darkness. My eyes adjust quickly to the dim lighting as I descend down the spiral staircase.
Bones litter the ground where I walk, those of my enemies and allies alike. I keep moving until a black door at the bottom of the dungeon impedes my track. Forged of steel, iron, and a mixture of the toughest metals, the door is impenetrable. It has to be, considering who I have sealed shut behind it. The presence behind the forged steel beckons me again, and I push the door open.
I behold a pair of dark, depthless eyes as they stare back at me.
My own.
A beat of silence hangs between us before he says, “Release me.”
I don’t respond to his demand, studying him from head to toe. His resemblance to me is faultless, down to the last scar. Seeing myself in a cage, strapped in chains, stirs a strange feeling in me.
This is him, the fucker who has been messing with my head.
The bond.
“Why are you doing this?” He gives me a pointed look, sharp enough to dissect me alive. “I am a part of you. Fuck that. I am you.”
His revelation does not come as a surprise because it is the truth. This bastard in the cell is me.
“What you did to Rhianelle yesterday in the cellar… that crosses a line,” I finally say.
“She came at us first!” His eyes darken. “I know her better than anyone, better than you. Secretly she wants nothing more than to submit.”
The bastard throws a vision into my head. An image of Rhianelle suspended with chains with hands tied behind her back, whimpering helplessly and in tears. I savor the exquisite sight of her squirming as she takes every inch of my cock.
His will pushes against mine, twisting my emotions into something darker. The need is primal, demanding. “Enough…”
He gives me another scene of Rhianelle writhing beneath me, bound, gagged, and blindfolded as I drive into her at a maddening pace like a fucking heathen. I can almost feel every wild buck of her hips.
The pictures he paints in my head are always fun.
“I said enough!”
“She wants us,” he repeats, his voice reverberates in the dark room like the wake of a thunder. “It’s written in the stars, inked in her blood, braided into her soul that she will always do.”
Yes.
I remember the way her eyes sparkled with equal excitement and fear when I told her of the fucked up things I’d do to her.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I know.”
“Then why haven’t you claimed her?” he asks, pinning me with an expectant gaze.
Anger burns in my gut. “Is that what you want? To break her? To make her fall at your feet?”
“It’s the only way we can have her,” the cold-hearted bastard simply replies. To think that this piece of shit has always been a part of me…
“Have some shame, even the Fallens from Hel will not do that,” I snarl at him, my voice near guttural.
The beasts that make up my cursed existence coil in the darkness behind me. From the noble black direwolf to the little acorn holding pixies to the darkest souls and dwellers of the underworld. I fucking hate them. They disgust me to the point of overwhelming revulsion, so much that I once took a knife to shed them from my flesh.
But if it weren’t for them yesterday, I might have actually succumbed to the bond’s demand. I never thought I’d see the day where I’m grateful to these monsters.
“Thank you.”
I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
They have protected Rhianelle from me twice now. I don’t know how she does it, but my darling Nel has charmed every single one of these beasts.
“You’re fucking this up.” The bond interrupts my moment with my darker halves. “What do you think will happen when she sees the real you?”
A foreign, mortal emotion creeps over me at the question.
My Svenn.
Rhianelle’s sweet voice plays in my head. The words suddenly carry a heavy weight. The girl seems to have a version of me that she has constructed in her head. What will she do when she finds out I’m not the man she thought I was?
“That’s right. You’ll lose her.” His eyes go cold as he speaks.
“She is mine.” The thought is fierce and clear in my head. But the terror he’s embedded in my mind festers. It was always there from the start, this bone deep fear that Rhianelle has not seen me for what I truly am. The bond knows it well because he is me.
“Even if you can make her fall for you. No one sure as fuck can love them.” He jerks his chin to the horrifying creatures that make up my existence.
The direwolf steps forward in front of the cage, letting out a high pitch snarl and baring his jagged canines to the bond.
Nel made a drawing of us, the beast barks at him.
I smile at that, something in my chest easing. “Yes, she did.”
Shadows slither into the room as Coinneach takes a humanoid form. The painting is too unique and simply marvelous. Our Nel has a natural talent, he cheers.
She is stunning and she likes us. The direwolf wags his tail and begins his haunting howl. I can feel the rest of my beasts and demons stirring in the dark. They’re celebrating.
That’s right. Nel wants us.
The bond stares at us all like we’re idiots. He is giving me the sort of look I reserve for the likes of annoying bastards like Red. It feels odd having my own face looking back at me in frustration.
“Listen to me. This is the only opportunity you have to make her yours,” he says with an exasperated sigh. “I’m the only chance you got.”
The only thing he ever did was sabotage my relationship with Nel. I shake my head in disgust. “I don’t need you.”
I spin around and head straight for the stairs.
“Where are you going?” the bond asks desperately. “Don’t you dare walk away from me!”
I ignore every profanity and insults he hurls towards me. The bond is clawing and using his strength to break free from the cage.
It’s no use.
After Rhianelle did her little stunt of jumping from a cliff and disappearing into the ocean, something in me snapped. Any lingering control this fucker has over me obliterates.
“Your arrogance will be your downfall!” The bond curses and I can practically feel the wrath vibrating off his body. I take one last look at this strange part of my soul as he crumbles to his knees in a fit of despair. It’s unsightly and pathetic. “You don’t understand. The longer you put this off—”
I don’t listen to the bastard as I slam the door and lock him in the crypt.
The dim lighting of the abandoned lighthouse welcomes me to the world. Rhianelle is still sleeping in my lap, her body soft and warm against mine. I love the way she fits perfectly in my arms, like she always belonged there, and she always will.
I brush my lips against her temple. She stirs a little and buries her head to my chest.
“Take me back,” she mutters with her eyes closed. A smile twitches my lips at that.
Defiant, even in her sleep. That’s my Nel.
I carry her down the long hallway towards the large metallic double-door leading to the upper castle yard. I gaze at her sleeping face momentarily.
“Nel,” I whisper to rouse her.
“Hmmm?” she mutters dreamily.
Torrents of guilt rush into my chest for waking her up. I hate to do this to her, but I’m selfish. I grip her closer to my chest before I push the door and stride outside into the open air. Her long eyelashes flutter against the wintry wind.
My eyes meet her sleepy, hooded ones. “Good morning, wife.”
“Hi,” she greets me with a small yawn. “Is it morning already?”
Something cold inside me thaws at the sound of her voice. I decide I want to listen to it for the rest of my existence. It’s almost as lovely as the soft smile she gives me.
“Are you taking me back to Windhaven?” she asks, her eyes bright and hopeful.
Whatever I say will not appease her, so I keep walking towards the rampart. Her shoulders deflate with disappointment and I hate myself for that. The crestfallen look does not last long when she decides to fight me to get on her feet.
“I can walk,” she protests, wriggling from my grasp.
“Stop it, little fawn,” I say in quiet command. “Wait.”
She ceases moving immediately. I smile inwardly at her obedience. I’m definitely keeping this good girl.
I take off my boots with a few simple moves and plant her feet into them before letting her go. Rhianelle is silent as I kneel down to tie the shoelaces for her.
She remains mute when I look up at her. Her inquisitive stare imploring me, watching every move. My throat goes dry when I see a glimpse of the spark in her eyes and the blush she’s fighting.
I raise a brow. “You like seeing me on my knees for you, wife?”
The girl doesn’t engage with my taunt and promptly runs towards the deck with the grace of a butterfly. She leans over the balustrade, placing her chin on her palm. There is an air of elegance about her despite being dressed in a heavy blanket and a pair of oversized boots. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I allow myself to appreciate the peaceful sight, even though I know she’s scheming to escape me. Her head sweeps the surrounding area below, calculating her plan.
Suddenly, having her so close to the edge is scaring the shit out of me. This is slightly careless of my little fawn having her back turned on me. I move slowly so I don’t startle her. A shiver visibly goes through her when she senses my presence. I put my hands on either side of the girl, effectively caging her.
“I’m not going to jump,” she mutters begrudgingly at the auxiliary security.
“It’ll be awhile before I believe that.” I lean closer. Her tender flesh erupts in goosebumps and shivers at the proximity.
She glares at me over her shoulder with a silent rage. I know the simmering look is meant to instill fear in my heart, but the message is intercepted by my cock instead.
I brush my lips to the top of her head. A gasp leaves her and she turns away from me, her anger momentarily stunted by the kiss. I don’t let the bond ruin my moment with Nel by planting lewd thoughts of fucking her from behind against the battlement.
That can wait.
“If you’re not taking me home, then what are we doing here?” she asks, still refusing to look at me.
“Can’t I enjoy the morning air with my wife?” I tease.
“I’m not really your…“ she trails.
I dare her to fucking finish that sentence. Something dark churns inside my chest, coaxing me to drag her back to the chair and use those shackles to make her understand that she is mine. I smother the impulse quickly. Thank fuck I have better control over my thoughts now. It’s a blessing Rhianelle has her back to me too. I don’t want her to see the leashed violence playing on my face right now.
I wait for the girl to kill me with her world-shattering words. ‘I’m not really your wife.’
But she never does, and those words dissolve into the morning mist. She takes a deep breath, her fingers drawing invisible letters on the parapet. “I guess the view is… nice.”
I can’t resist placing my hand on top of hers. Surprisingly, she doesn’t pull away. Instead, Rhianelle huddles closer to me.
She continues throwing daggers at me to make sure I know she’s angry for keeping her here against her will.
If she wants to prove to me that she hates me, then she shouldn’t have glanced every now and then at my feet, looking so concerned for my well-being.
“I want to show you something,” I tell her, nudging her to gaze eastward. “Look over there.”
She lifts her head to look in the direction, the early morning breeze caressing her silver hair.
There are not enough words in this world that can translate what I feel for her. I don’t quite understand this chaotic rumbling in my chest either. But I want her to know.
Brilliant rays of light breaks through the heavy clouds like a glorious triumph against the dark night. Her lips part the moment sunlight dances on the surface of the water. Corals and sediments fracture the ocean into different shades of cerulean blue, turquoise, and green.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispers, the soft morning rays bathing her in an otherworldly glow.
It reminds me of you.
This is the closest thing that resembles Rhianelle’s first appearance to me in that dungeon. The view pales compared to the perfection of her.
I can’t help but stare at her, taking in every detail. A strange sensation sparks in my chest, warming me more than the sun ever could.
“Thank you for showing me this, Svenn,” she says with a soft smile. It is bright, lovely, and reaching her eyes. The muscles in my chest constrict at the sight, making breathing near goddamn impossible.
The bond is wrong.
It would be easy if this was simply lust. I would have just fucked her to oblivion for the rest of eternity. But Rhianelle means something more to me than that. Something deeper and unbreakable.
I interlace my fingers with hers, clutching them as tightly as her small hand can possibly take. She squeezes back and my heart roars.
I look faraway into the future, something that I had never allowed myself to do. I see endless possibilities, a vision of Rhianelle traveling with me to distant seas beyond the horizon, of her opening a bakery, of us discovering new things together. It all seems exciting and colorful. Perhaps there’s even happiness ahead.
For the first time, the wonders of life hold a better prospect than the peace that comes with death.
In every one of those futures, Rhianelle is smiling the way she is right now. It’s a strange feeling but I fucking want it.
Yes.
That smile is mine. That crinkle in her eyes when she laughs is mine. That frown when she is concentrating on her book is mine. The soft gasp when she is overwhelmed by pleasure is mine. I want her. All of her. In every way possible.
A tiny piece of her heart must have felt the same for me because even in my most disgusting moment where I barely recognize myself or my thoughts, she chose to stay. I can’t let that feeling she has for me fade.
“You want me,” I repeat her words from last night. The way I went about forcing it from her was as messed up as it can be, but the truth remains. I wait for her to deny it in the harsh daylight, for my heart to splinter the moment she does.
But she doesn’t.
Leaning over her from behind, I bury my nose in the nape of her neck. Her breath hitches in response. Nel glances back at me, a soft frown etched between her brows.
“I also want my freedom,” she says, her eyes igniting with a challenge. I know that determination as soon as she turns towards the sea again. My wife will brave the deadly ocean to get what she wants. Still, her fingers remain entwined with mine.
I intend to be greedy with Rhianelle. Having control over my dark urges is how I will win her back.
“And so you shall have it.” With a heavy heart, I whisper to her skin, “Fine. I’ll take you back, Nel.”