Chapter 27
PAIGE
At unearthly hour o’ clock, my phone buzzes. I pry my eyes open and fumble around groggily for my phone that found its way into my pillowcase during the night. I click open my texts.
Jordan: Good morning, beautiful!
Okay, I’m awake. After that text, the morning is indeed good. Jordan just called me “beautiful.” My heart is practically melted butter sliding down a steaming stack of pancakes right now. I try to tamp down my beating heart. If he’s texting this, it must mean that after last night, Jordan is still on board with us . At least, I hope that’s what it means.
I jolt into a sitting position and smooth my hair down as if expecting Jordan himself to be standing in my room like he’s Edward Cullen.
I peer at the time. Five-thirty. Jordan’s usually an early riser but not this early, especially considering that we both got home from the Gala only five hours ago. I’m not sure why he’s up, but I’m here for it.
Paige: Good morning! You’re up early. What are you up to?
Jordan: You mean, what are we up to?
We’re a we ! I’ve never loved two letters of the alphabet more than W and E at this moment. Good thing Cabby Cat is fast asleep, or she would probably have nightmares about the way I’m grinning wildly at my glowing phone screen in the dark.
Paige: Oh? And what would we be up to?
Jordan: Nope. No spoilers. You’ll have to come out onto your porch to find out.
My stomach bursts into a million butterflies as I slide out of bed and rush to my bathroom as silently as possible. I triage my regular get-ready routine. Brushing teeth gets priority number one, because I am a girl who likes to be prepared. Then hair.
The rest of the list gets trashed because my hair takes way longer to fix than I intended. Messy buns! I swear, a heart surgery in the dark would be easier to perfect than that hairstyle.
I settle for a floppy bun and tiptoe to the front door in my flannel PJ bottoms and my threadbare TOTO thirty-fifth anniversary tour T-shirt. When I open the door, I find Jordan leaning against the porch railing with two cups of something steaming in his hand.
And whoa, Nelly! Not to objectify, but my eyes are feasting on the buffet of gorgeous that is Jordan Miller right now. He’s wearing dark Chinos and a green jacket that fits him to perfection. His dark-blond hair is slightly wavy on the top, with a small piece falling across his forehead.
He gives me a bright smile. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I croak. I’m so absorbed with the man in front of me that I barely register how my arms fold around my body to keep the surprisingly cool temperatures at bay.
Jordan places the cups on the railing and shrugs out of his jacket. He wraps it around my shoulders, and the sage scent that is Jordan envelops me like rays of sunshine on a winter day. I smile up at him, and he tugs the lapels of his jacket, pulling me into him before wrapping his arms around me.
“I’ve missed you,” Jordan says, doing a thorough job of heating me on the inside as much as he is on the outside.
“Mmm.” I’m pretty much purring like Cabby Cat after a particularly good ear scratch.
Jordan chuckles. “Okay, we’ve got less than an hour to make this work. I’ve got blankets, but wear something warm. And tennis shoes.” He announces all this with the brightness of an afternoon sky.
I tilt my head back, looking up into his golden-brown eyes.
“What?” he asks.
“You.” I smile.
“What? You don’t like romantic Jordan?” He waggles his eyebrows.
“Oh no, I definitely do. But romantic Jordan is so chipper in the morning. Like a robin or a squirrel.”
Jordan’s jaw drops. “Are you comparing my romanticness to a rodent?”
I smile up at him innocently. “A very cute rodent.”
Jordan pokes just below my ribs where I’m ticklish, and I squirm away.
He laughs. “Get out of here.”
Twenty minutes later, Jordan and I are in his car with the heater on full blast and our stomachs full of hot chocolate. We exit our small town and drive down a winding road at the base of a nearby mountain. Jordan has one hand on the steering wheel while the other plays with my fingers, drawing little circles and patterns along my skin with his fingertips.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Is this a dream or reality? It’s hard to believe that yesterday, at this time, there was so much unsaid between Jordan and me, and now everything is out in the open. I lace my fingers between Jordan’s, and he gives my hand a squeeze, letting me know that this is in fact real.
“Are we going hiking?” I ask, a little afraid of his answer. I already went hiking once this year, so my quota is met for the next decade. But then again, hiking with Jordan might be worth it.
“No.” He laughs. “I’m not in the habit of torturing my girlfriend.”
Butterflies are too dainty a creature to explain the outrageous swirl of excitement going on in my stomach. It feels more like a group of seagulls or a flock of broad-winged pelicans circling inside me. I’m Jordan’s girlfriend. Some part of my brain registered that fact last night, but hearing it from his lips renders me speechless.
Jordan brings my hand to his lips, placing a kiss on each of my fingers. “We’re almost there.”
A little while later, Jordan and I sit on a quilted blanket with our backs against an old tree trunk that’s within walking distance of the parking lot. Jordan pulls out a second blanket and puts it over our legs, then the view in front of us starts to unfold. The velvet-black sky transforms into a grayish-blue, revealing a crescent-shaped lake nestled against the mountain. Everything is peaceful and serene.
I lean into Jordan’s side as he puts an arm around my shoulder. Though the blanket draped across us does a good job keeping me warm as we watch the sun begin to rise, I snuggle in close.
“This is nice,” I say, tilting my chin to meet his soft gaze.
“Good,” he says, “because I’ve got plans for us, Devons.”
“Oh, really?” I quirk a brow.
“Yep. I have seven years to make up for.” He smiles mischievously. “In fact…” He places a finger beneath my chin before leaning down and touching his lips to mine. “That,” he whispers, “is for seventeen-year-old Jordan… and this…” He smiles against my lips. “Is for eighteen-year-old Jordan.” He kisses me again, and I respond with equal enthusiasm.
By the time we hit Jordan’s twenties, I’m three parts melted marshmallow and one part blue flame. When we break apart after year twenty-three, I’m suddenly very grateful Jordan turns twenty-four this month. I make a mental note to resume this little game then.
Only after I’m out of my Jordan-induced coma do I pick up on something I didn’t before. “When you said that was for your seventeen-year-old self… do you mean…”
Jordan presses his lips to my forehead. “It means I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time.”
I straighten and look at him. “As in you liked me when you were seventeen?”
“As in I’ve liked you since the beginning.” Jordan gives me a small smile and waits as my brain puzzles it all together.
“And you continued to feel that way until…”
“I never stopped.”
My eyebrows shoot up as I pick up on the enormity of what Jordan is saying. After our kiss last night, I wondered when Jordan’s feelings changed toward me. I thought it had to have been sometime after high school, or he wouldn’t have left me without a word after I told him I loved him on graduation night, nor would he have come out of that closet with April Barker on his arm.
“But when I told you… on the hammock… how I felt…” I omit the word “love” because though I am in love with Jordan, I know admitting his feelings for me last night was a massive step for him. I do not want to scare him off with how deeply my feelings run. When, or if, we use that word between us, I want him to feel ready for it.
Jordan runs his hand across his chin, and all mirth drains from his eyes. When he looks at me, I see a sliver of pain cross his features. “The first day I walked to school our junior year, I had no desire to be there. I didn’t want to start a new life in a new place with new friends. But then I met you, and everything from your openness to your smile to the way you looked with chalk dust all over you—it was like something inside me shifted. And suddenly, all I wanted to do was be with you. But you had just broken up with Ian, and I didn’t want to overstep. Then we just got comfortable being friends, and I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. But at the end of senior year, I felt like things were becoming clearer between us, and thankfully, Missy not-so-subtly hinted at how you felt.”
I put a hand over my face, feeling a blush rise. “Oh, Missy.”
Jordan smiles and reaches for the hand covering my face, gently wrapping it in his. “I was going to tell you how I felt when we got to California. I had planned to take you to Sand Ridge Beach, a place I used to go when I lived there. It reminds me of you.” Jordan looks past me as if envisioning the beach itself. A small smile curves his lips. “If Paige Devons were a beach, she would be that one. I was going to tell you that I didn’t want to be just your friend anymore, that I wanted to date you. But then I found out about my mom’s cancer two days before we graduated. And I knew I wasn’t going to California anymore.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I barely get past the thick lump of emotion in my throat.
“I didn’t say anything to you on the hammock because I didn’t know how. I was scared for my mom. I was uncertain about my future. And I didn’t want to bring you into it. I didn’t want to tie you down. I didn’t want us to become something more, only for you to fly hundreds of miles away and feel stuck to me. You’d have been the freshman girl with the boyfriend who was never around when you should have been having fun and getting out like all the other college students.”
Jordan shakes his head. “But I never should have left you at the hammock without talking things through with you. Instead, like an idiot, I left you and shut myself in Mom’s crafting closet, reminding myself of all the reasons why I shouldn’t find you and tell you how I felt. Then April Barker opened up the closet, thinking it was the bathroom, and I was so in my own head that when she did, I jumped and sliced my arm open on a hobby knife. It was bleeding so badly that April had to wrap her hands around my cut so that it wouldn’t leave a trail of blood on the carpet. By the time I bandaged it up, I saw you, Ji, and Missy from my window as you drove away.”
I put my hands on Jordan’s face and kiss him. My heart is full knowing that Jordan has liked me as long as I’ve liked him, but it also aches knowing how much of each other we’ve missed out on. I pull back, looking at him. “Jordan, I’m just glad we figured it out.”
“Me too.” He strokes a hand down the length of my hair, looking at me like I’m a rare gem he can finally touch and hold.
I snuggle into him as we watch the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen, made infinitely better by the man beside me. “This is absolutely gorgeous.”
“I might not be able to give you a sunrise on a beach.” Jordan trails his thumb up and down my arm. “But hopefully, this is a close second.”
I can feel his guilt coming on strong. He’s trying to overcompensate for what he thinks I’m missing out on, but when I’m with him, right here, I feel nothing is missing at all.
So I hold him tight, letting him know that he’s enough for me. He will always be enough.