Chapter 10
OWEN
Crap. That’s not good. I’m still watching where Nana disappeared, her words echoing in my head. How does she know?
There’s only one explanation, and it’s standing right next to me with her hands planted on her hips and her eyes looking out at the view.
“Did you tell her?” I ask, my tone more accusatory than I intended, but I’m pissed. We agreed not to tell anyone. It’s been less than forty-eight hours. Nana can be tough, but still. And without so much as a Hey, Owen, heads-up …
Her cheeks flush, and I take it as confirmation until she opens her mouth. “Did I tell her? No, Owen, I didn’t fucking tell her.”
The tension releases from my muscles, but the relief only lasts for a few seconds before I’m hit with shame. Of course she didn’t tell her. Thea wouldn’t do that, to me or to Addy.
“I’m sorry,” I say, stepping toward her and placing my hand on her arm.
She rips it away from me. “You’re not forgiven. It’s a douchey thing to jump straight to me ruining this when I’ve done nothing wrong. She said she could tell. And of course she could, because they know you.”
She paces away from me, and I follow. “Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t think they’d be paying that much attention. Is that what you’re mad about?”
“I’m mad that I’m in this situation at all.
I’m mad that your mom has moods that could ruin the wedding, so I’m under pressure to keep it quiet for Addy.
I’m mad that everyone’s watching us and wants something to happen, all while Addy wants me to stay far away from you, and I’m stuck in the middle lying to a group of people who have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me.
And I’m really fucking mad that you made up this lie to begin with. They love you so much.”
“I know they love me,” I say, getting worked up, too. “You think I don’t know they love me?”
“I don’t fucking know. All I know is that your family is incredible. Do you know what I would have done to be a part of a family like this growing up? And you don’t appreciate it at all.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t,” she yells, “or you never would have lied to begin with.”
“You don’t get it,” I say, unsure how to explain it.
“Oh, of course I don’t. I’d never understand how hard it is to have people love me. A grandmother who knows me well enough to judge my feelings from just a look. A mother who wants me to find happiness. How difficult your life must be.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then how did you mean it? Make this make sense, Owen,” she yells.
“I’ve given her everything!” I yell back, and Thea’s pacing falters. She turns toward me, confusion written on her face, and it makes my voice drop lower. “My entire life has been chosen for me. I’ve had no freedom to pick for myself, and I won’t let her pick my future partner, too.”
I can’t watch any more of the disgust on Thea’s face. I plop down on the grass with the grace of a newborn horse, looking out over the view, and before I know it, I’m pouring everything out to her.
“My dad was sick my whole life. He wanted me to take over his business one day—it was his dying wish—and after he passed, that became the expectation. I think she had to keep part of him alive or her grief was going to take her with him. And so I gave her what she needed. I worked on job sites after school instead of trying out for the baseball team because he believed it was important for me to understand the labor side of the company. I went to college nearby so I could help with Harrison and keep working at Hayes, just like Mom wanted me to. I took over the mantle of president a year out of college for a company I don’t love, all because they wanted me to. ”
I finally glance up at Thea, and she’s looking at me like a goddess who has paused in the middle of administering her vengeful punishment to reconsider.
“I know how lucky I am,” I continue, turning back to the view.
If she decides I’m beyond redemption, I don’t want to see it.
“The business is solid and gives me the money I need to live comfortably. It’s selfish to be mad.
It’s selfish not to accept it when I don’t even know what I’d do if I had that freedom.
I don’t have some fantasy I’ve been cut off from.
But I have always envied the opportunity to dream.
My whole life, I’ve just felt … trapped. ”
Thea slowly lowers herself beside me, and even though I don’t look at her, the warmth of her body’s only an inch away, soothing like sunlight on a cool day.
Something loosens inside me, either at saying those words or her closeness.
When I look at her, she isn’t looking back, instead she’s studying one of the nearby trees.
“I understand feeling trapped,” she says quietly, and my body shifts closer to hers.
“I told you my parents passed away, but I didn’t tell you all of it.
I don’t … I don’t talk about it, but my dad’s never been in the picture, and our mom died from an overdose when we were little.
We bounced from foster home to foster home until I aged out.
I mean, clearly there’s a way out for some—look at Addy—but I could never see it for me. ”
Her words slowly sink in, and I hate myself. This is what Harrison meant about their difficult childhood. I must look like such an asshole, complaining about my family when she never had one. My job was handed to me on a silver platter while she’s fought for everything she has.
“I’m so sorry, Thea. I must sound like such a jerk.”
“Only a little,” she says with a teasing smile.
I groan and dig my palms into my eyes, but she grabs my hand.
I watch in fascination at the way she twines our fingers together.
“Trauma isn’t a competition. Just because things in my life have been shitty doesn’t mean that you haven’t struggled, too. ”
“Still, when you look at the facts, they’ve given me everything.”
“Everything but a choice, and that’s the most important thing,” Thea says before I can spiral further. “We all deserve to be in control of our own lives.”
“Every time I made comments about maybe wanting something different, she sank into herself. Went back to that quiet ghost of a person she was in the months after my father passed away. After a while, it seemed unfair to keep throwing her back into that, especially since it meant Harrison didn’t have an engaged mom.
I cared for him, but he needed her. We both did. ”
“That doesn’t seem fair to you,” she says, her thumb drifting across the back of my hand.
“It wasn’t on purpose,” I say, almost defensively, and Thea raises a brow in response. “I just mean, she was grieving, too. Probably always will be. I can’t imagine how hard it was to watch the love of her life waste away.”
“But you shouldn’t be responsible for managing her grief. You were grieving, too. And a kid. How old were you?”
“Thirteen.”
“Barely a teenager, with your life mapped out for you, plus the responsibility of taking care of your brother and managing your mother’s emotions? Yeah, that sucks, and you have every right to say it.”
I’ve never said this out loud, too afraid of how it would sound.
I wouldn’t have said it today if Thea hadn’t goaded it out of me, and I feel an overwhelming gratitude for this woman.
Both that she forced me to release the words out into the world, and that she met the confession with so much patience and acceptance. I feel lighter than I have in years.
Her hand is still grasped in mine, grounding and supporting me. Giving me the confidence to fall into these emotions without fear, like a climber who knows they can push off the rocks because their belayer won’t let them hit the ground.
We both turn back to the view, sitting in silence for a few minutes.
“It’s hard to feel trapped here,” I say, “with nothing but open sky and rolling hills.”
“Yeah,” Thea whispers. “There’s something magical about this place.”
I’ve felt that, too. This little sliver of the mountains has been a hideaway from the pressures of my life. But being here with Thea feels even more special.
The two of us sit for a few more minutes, not speaking and just soaking in the mountains.
It’s safe and comfortable, even though it can’t last. Soon enough, we’ll go back to the main house and once again be “exes” with a complicated history.
She’ll keep her distance, and I’ll pretend I’m not watching her.
Even knowing I should move away, to give each other space just like we’re supposed to, I can’t bring myself to let go of her hand. And she doesn’t let go either.