Chapter 40
Jackson
We have just a few days before the state championship game. The boys are ready. They’re hungry and they want it and it’s the most amazing feeling to be on this run with them again.
There isn’t more than this right now.
And they need to know it.
I’ve made a decision. I’m reneging on my acceptance of the coaching position at Eastern State.
I don’t know what the fall out will be, but I’ll take whatever comes.
I was a fool to think I was chasing happiness by leaving Christmas again, by leaving this team and by leaving Francesca.
Hell, I was a fool thinking I could leave my best friend, even after he punched me in the face.
What he did was justified. If someone was doing to Britt what I was doing to Chess, even though it wasn’t my intention to hurt her, it still looked bad, and I would have punched myself, too.
Now is the time I get to tell them I’m not leaving and hope that they still want me to stay. Even after all the drama.
“Bring it in!” I yell as the team comes from their lines and gathers in front of me, dropping to their knees, balancing with their helmets on the ground. “You look good out there. Really good,” I say as I look each of them in their eyes. “Really. Fucking. Good.”
Cue the barking.
I smirk. I would really miss the barking.
“You’re ready for this game. I know we still have days to go but I want you all to know I like what I see out there.
” I motion to all the assistant coaches.
“We all do, and I don’t see how we can prepare any better than where we are right now.
” When the boys start cheering and clapping, I know what they’re thinking.
“That doesn’t mean we won’t be practicing!
” They groan but I know they all love being out here as much as I do.
“But I’m not pushing two-a-days because I don’t think they’re needed. ”
I look around again, making sure to meet the eyes of Jameson, Connor and my other up and coming seniors.
“I know these past couple weeks have been rough. And it’s my own drama that has sat on this team like a lead balloon.
I am standing here officially apologizing to all of you for the way the news was delivered.
It is not how I wanted it to be said nor was it my intention to hurt or disappoint any of you. ”
There are some grumblings, but Jameson cuts them off. “So why did you, coach? Why did you disappoint me—us,” he quickly covers. “Why do you want to leave?”
I sigh, take my hat off, run my hands through my hair then replace my hat again. How do I explain it to them?
Be honest. They’ll respect you for it.
Chess’ words flood my mind. “I’m going to give it to you guys straight.
Since I left the NFL, I felt like something was missing.
I thought there was more for me out there.
I didn’t want to come back here, to Christmas.
It signified failure, in my eyes. But coaching you guys brought me back out.
If I couldn’t play, I could still be on the field and I came to realize I’m a pretty good coach. ”
I give a smug grin while coughs of ‘big ego’ break the tension.
Sobering, I say, “You all made me a better coach. And not just a better coach, but a better person. When I was looking for more, more, more I see now I didn’t need more when I already had everything I wanted.”
I had Chess.
“So, if you have everything, why leave?”
Pacing in front of them I answer, “I got caught up. I became fascinated with clearing my name and past behavior, wanting to make the world see a better Jackson Gage, wanting them to acknowledge they were wrong about me. When in all honesty, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me.
Someone told me I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone.
I already made it. There wasn’t anything more I needed. ”
I pause, looking around the room, watching them.
“Except for a second state title.” Their eyes follow me as I come to a stop. “And a third after that. And maybe a fourth, too…” I let my words linger as recognition lights their eyes. Jameson jumps up first.
“You’re staying?” His words are so hopeful I can’t help but reach out and pull him in, squeezing him tight. A couple of pounds to his back, he pulls back and looks at me, both our eyes watery.
He repeats, “You’re staying,” but this time it’s a statement. Not a question.
There is no question now.
“I’m staying.”
The team all jump up now, circling around me and the other coaches. Barking, of course, yelling and hyped for the good news.
“There is one more thing I need to ask of you all though…”
* * *
Later that night, after speaking with Britt and putting our plan into action, I know it’s time to come clean to Adam. I need to tell him everything, from the start, and then officially ask him to date his sister. I mean, I’m going to anyway, if she’ll forgive me, but I can give him the courtesy.
I knock on his door and wait for him to answer it. Once he opens it and sees me, he tries to close it again, but I throw my foot in the way and push.
“Let me in. We need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“I find that hard to believe. I bet there’s lots you want to say to me, Adam.”
He stares me down but then turns his back and walks away, without slamming the door. I take that as my cue to follow him.
“I’d offer you a beer, but I don’t want you staying that long. Talk.”
“I owe you an apology—”
“Fuck yeah, you do!” he cuts me off.
“Jesus, just let me talk please. Fuck!” I slam my hand on the counter. “You’re not the only one who gets to be mad, okay?”
“No? You’re fucking around with my sister and didn’t tell me!”
“So what! Why do we need your permission?”
“You should have told me.”
“Why? So you could tell me to stay away? So you could tell me I’m not good enough? I couldn’t stay away any longer if I tried, Adam!”
“Careful bro, your lines are blurry,” Adam warns.
“You’re so busy trying to fix everything you miss what’s in front of you.
Sometimes things aren’t meant to be fixed.
They need to stay broken or maybe they just need a fresh start.
A reset.” I take a breath and try to express it all.
“All those years, I tried turning a blind eye. I kept her in the friend zone, even after I knew she had a crush on me. I knew not to pursue anything when we were kids. I know bro-code. But when I saw her again, after all those years, something happened. Everything I pushed away came rushing back to the surface. And yeah, I should have come to you. But you’re so hung up on Chelsea, Christ, you won’t even talk to me! ”
“Because I don’t know what’s going on! Okay?
I don’t know. She won’t return my calls.
She disappeared and I don’t know why.” He takes a breath.
“Then I see you and my sister, even though it was supposed to be fake, I didn’t want to see her get hurt.
You were talking about leaving, again, and I knew whatever way it worked, either I was losing you or I was losing her. I can’t lose anyone else Jackson!”
“You’ve been my best friend since forever.
You know me better than anyone. Even at my darkest you didn’t walk away from me.
I wouldn’t have made it without you, your family, without Chess.
I’m sorry Adam, I’m sorry for making you doubt me.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. I thought my only choice to make myself better was to get out.
To be bigger, better. Again. Not to be seen as a failure. ”
“You fucking made it to the NFL, bro! How can you think that’s failing?”
“Because I had it all and fucked it up! Let me rephrase that, I thought I had it all.” I look him dead in the eye.
“I was missing her, Adam. I was missing Francesca. She’s my bigger and better.
I love her. And fuck me, don’t you repeat that.
If you tell her before I get to tell her she’s going to kill me. ”
He flinches, I don’t know if he wants to hug me or hit me. “You mean that? This isn’t another chapter to your fake love story?”
“Like I told her, before she walked out on me, I was never faking it.”
He sighs and leans on the counter crossing his arms. “She walked out on you?”
I nod. “After the parade, we talked in the locker room. I was so worked up over the announcement coming out too soon, so mad over seeing Tony with Nick, over being basically traded like cattle all in the name of money, shit, it makes me sick. But she told me to go, that this is what I wanted, what she had been helping me to achieve. I definitely didn’t have the right words for her because I didn’t know what they were.
She won’t talk to me or return my calls.
I don’t want to corner her at her house, she’s already been through enough. ”
“Listen, Gage, I know you want to do great things and I want to see you achieve that but maybe your great thing is being home, being a coach to these kids and being with family again. Are you still going to take the job?”
“No. I spoke with Eastern State and pulled my name. They’re not happy about it, but I’m still working out the details of the contract because like an asshole, I trusted the wrong people and signed something without reading it.”
He nods. “That’s good to hear. It would kind of suck if you weren’t around,” his smirk says it all.
“You love me,” I say and go to walk towards him.
He puts his hands out in front of him to fend me off. “Let’s not go that far, fucker, I’m still pissed you hurt my sister. So, the question is now, what are you going to do to win her back?”
A sly smile spreads across my face. “Funny you should ask. Are your parents’ home?”