15. Ramona
— ? —
Ramona
The gate opens while I’m still searching my jacket pocket for the buckle. My fingers catch in the torn lining, and I pull them free without finding it.
I left it at home because Julius told me we were here to watch. He kissed me outside this building and agreed with me when I reminded him.
Now he’s on the bull, and the man beside me is trying to congratulate me.
“Excuse me. I need to see.” I move his hand off my arm and lean toward the aisle.
Grizzly turns sharply, but Julius stays with him. I grip the seat in front of me while people stand and block my view. Somebody bumps my shoulder, and I step farther into the aisle without taking my eyes off the arena.
I can’t hear the buzzer over the shouting. I only know it’s over when Julius gets free and lands in the dirt. He moves away from the bull, then straightens with both feet beneath him, and I cover my mouth and finally draw a full breath.
He raises his fist. The people around me start shouting his name again, and I watch him turn toward our seats.
You can see me now. You could have found me before.
I leave before he can wave.
***
An attendant keeps me behind a gate while the hands clear the bull from the arena. Through the opening, I see Dakota walk up to Julius and put her arms around his neck.
He pats her back before she draws away. Her hand stays against his vest while she speaks close to his ear, and he laughs at whatever she tells him.
I hold my pass out to the attendant.
“I’m his wife. Can you let me through?” I wait while he checks it against the badge hanging from my wrist.
He opens the gate and steps aside. I move past him, keeping my eyes on Julius as a man puts an arm around his shoulders for a photograph, and my husband sees me before the picture is finished.
“There you are.” He leaves the man standing and reaches for me. “Did you see that?”
His arms close around me, pressing the hard front of his vest against my cheek. I put my palm on his chest before I can stop myself. He’s warm and breathing hard, and I need that moment to know he’s all right.
Then he kisses my hair, still smiling, smiling too hard, the way he does when he already knows what I’m going to say, and I pull back.
“I saw all of it.” I keep my hand against his vest so he can’t draw me close again. “We need to talk.”
“We will.” He looks over his shoulder when somebody calls his name. “Let me get through this first.”
“Julius, please look at me.” I catch his sleeve before he turns away.
His eyes return to my face, and his smile fades. He starts to speak, but a man steps beside us with his hand extended.
“That was worth waiting for.” The man shakes Julius’s hand, then turns to me. “You must be proud.”
“I’d like a minute with my husband.” I wait for him to move, but Julius puts his hand against my back.
“We’re going upstairs.” He bends closer so I can hear him over the people around us. “There’s a private room. Come with me, and we’ll talk.”
I search his face before letting him take my hand. He keeps hold of it as we walk, although he stops to answer questions before we reach the elevator, and I stand beside him through each one.
***
The private room is already full when we arrive. A server takes Julius’s helmet while another guides us toward the long table, where our names are printed on place cards.
I look at the people waiting for him, then touch his wrist.
“You said we could talk upstairs.” I keep my voice low while a server pulls out my chair.
“I know. Let me sit down.” Julius brushes his thumb over my hand before turning toward somebody welcoming him back.
I sit because the server is still waiting. Julius stays behind my chair, answering questions about the ride while I take off his old jacket and fold it across my lap. The torn pocket catches against my ring. I free it carefully, then rub my bare wrist where his fingers held me.
Dakota sits opposite us. She accepts a glass of wine, thanks the server, and turns toward Julius before taking a drink.
When he finally sits, his hand settles on my knee beneath the table. I lift it away.
He looks at me, but a man at the far end raises his glass before either of us speaks.
“To Julius Wyatt.” He waits for the conversation to quiet. “You gave us a hell of a ride tonight.”
Everyone lifts a drink. I keep mine on the table while Julius thanks him and takes a sip.
“You looked good out there.” Dakota turns her glass by the stem, smiling across at my husband. “I knew you could still do it.”
“Grizzly gave me a chance.” Julius shifts back in his chair. “I’m glad I managed to use it.”
“You could hear the crowd beside the chutes.” She glances around the table. “Everybody was on their feet.”
A rider beside her agrees, leaning forward to describe the noise. Julius smiles as he listens, and I look down at the damp mark my glass has left on the tablecloth. I want him to stop enjoying himself long enough to notice that I haven’t spoken.
Dakota turns toward me.
“At least somebody here knows how to cheer for him.” She holds my gaze before lifting her wine.
A man near her laughs, then lowers his eyes to his plate.
I look at Julius. His mouth has stopped moving, and he glances from Dakota to the people beside us before giving a short laugh of his own.
“She’s messing with you.” He leans toward me and touches my wrist. “Ignore her.”
I pull my hand away, catching the stem of my glass as I move. Champagne spills over my fingers before I steady it.
“That’s what you’re going to say?” I leave the glass where it is and wait for him to answer.
“Ramona, please.” He reaches for a napkin, but I don’t take it.
“She said it in front of everybody.” I look directly at him. “You heard her.”
Dakota puts down her drink and folds her hands beside it.
“I was teasing.” She glances at Julius before looking back at me. “I’m sorry you took it that way.”
I keep watching my husband. He sets the napkin near my hand, then checks the faces around the table.
“Can we do this somewhere else?” He lowers his voice, his chair moving closer to mine.
“I asked you downstairs.” I push back from the table. “Then I asked you when we got here.”
“I’ll come with you. Just give me a minute.” He catches my fingers, but I draw them free and stand.
“You’ve had time.” I lay his jacket across my chair instead of putting it on.
Nobody tries to stop me as I walk toward the elevator. I press the button with the hand he’s just let go of and wait until the doors open.
***
The driver beside our car straightens when I step into the parking level. He starts toward the rear door, but Julius comes through the stairwell before I reach him.
“Ramona, please wait.” His boots scrape as he slows beside me. “Give me a chance to explain.”
I turn toward him. His hand lifts toward my arm, then drops when I move back.
“Could you give us a minute?” I look at the driver, who nods and walks toward the front of the car.
Julius is still wearing his vest. There’s dirt beneath his jaw, and his hair is damp where the helmet pressed against it. After practice, I wanted to touch him everywhere I could reach. I fold my arms to keep from reaching for him now.
“You promised me no more surprises.” I keep my eyes on his face. “You let me remind you when we got here that we were only watching.”
“That was the plan.” He pulls off his hat and holds it beside his leg. “Isaac got hurt, and they needed somebody to fill the place.”
“Did you try to find me?” I wait while he looks toward the elevator.
“I started a message.” He rubs his forehead with his free hand. “I didn’t send it.”
I hold still long enough that he looks back at me.
“So you had your phone out.” I uncross my arms, my hands opening between us. “You wrote to me, then decided I didn’t need to know?”
“I thought you’d tell me I was rushing it.” He grips the brim of his hat. “I didn’t want to argue with everybody waiting.”
“You were rushing it.” My voice catches, and I clear my throat before continuing. “But I didn’t get to tell you what I thought. You didn’t give me the chance.”
He takes a step closer, and I put my palm against the car door.
“I kept looking for the buckle.” I watch his eyes drop to my hand. “They said your name, and I couldn’t understand how you were down there when I hadn’t brought it.”
“I saw you on the screen.” His voice goes quiet. “I knew you didn’t have it.”
The elevator opens behind him. A couple comes out laughing, then stops when they see us. I wait until they’ve passed before I speak.
“You saw me searching my pocket?” I don’t look away from him.
He nods, then lowers his hat onto the car roof.
“I saw your hand come out empty.” He leaves both palms resting beside the hat.
My knees weaken enough that I lean against the door.
“Was the gate still closed?” I ask it slowly, although I already know what the answer will do.
“It was.” He turns fully toward me. “I could have got off.”
I look down at my boots until I can breathe without making a sound. He doesn’t touch me, but I can feel him waiting.
He knew I didn’t know. He stayed on anyway.
“I was proud of you at practice.” I lift my head. “I helped you answer the invitation for the later event. Why wasn’t that enough to show you I wanted you to have this?”
“It was enough.” He reaches toward my hand. “You’ve been trying. I know that.”
“I was supporting my husband.” I pull away before he reaches me. “Stop talking as if I almost managed it.”
“That isn’t what I meant.” He stays close, his eyes wet now.
“Then tell me what you meant upstairs.” I wipe the champagne from my fingers against my jeans. “Did you think she was funny?”
“I wanted to get past it.” He glances toward the stairwell. “People were watching. I thought if I didn’t make it worse, we could talk alone.”
“She was allowed to embarrass me.” I press my lips together before finishing. “But you couldn’t embarrass her by telling her to stop.”
He looks down at the concrete. I wait for him to disagree, but he only draws a long breath.
“I should have stopped her.” He raises his eyes to mine. “I’m sorry.”
“You knew that before tonight.” I can feel the tears on my cheeks now, but I’m too tired to wipe them away. “At practice, you told her my feelings were between us. I believed you when you told me.”
“I meant it then.” He takes a step toward me, then stops when I shake my head. “I still do.”
“Then why am I down here explaining it again?” I look toward the elevator, where people keep arriving to collect their cars. “Why the hell did you bring me here if you were going to leave me sitting through that?”
His shoulders draw back.
“I wanted you here.” He speaks louder, then lowers his voice when I flinch. “I wanted to ride, and I wanted you to be happy for me. I’m tired of feeling guilty whenever I talk about it.”
“I didn’t make you feel guilty today.” I hold his gaze. “You did that when you decided I didn’t get to know.”
“I know Dakota shouldn’t have said it.” He rubs the back of his neck. “She gets excited about the riding. She understands how much I’ve missed it.”
My hands stop moving.
“She insulted me. Why are you explaining her to me?”
“I’m trying to tell you why I didn’t think she meant it that way.” He checks the stairwell again. “She knows what it’s like to lose that part of your life.”
“You didn’t lose it, Julius.” I step away from the car. “We just talked about this in counseling. You chose to stop. I was there when you finally admitted it.”
“I know what I said.” He pulls at the fastening on his vest, then leaves it alone. “I’m trying to explain why talking to her was easy.”
I look at him until he stops.
“I don’t want another explanation of why you like her company.” I take my ring between my fingers. “I wanted you to notice what mine was costing me.”
His eyes follow my hand. He comes closer as I work the band past my knuckle, and I step back to keep the space between us.
“Please don’t take it off.” His voice breaks on the last word. “We can go home. We can talk there.”
“We’ve talked at home.” I ease the ring free, holding it tightly so I don’t drop it. “We’ve talked in trucks and barns and somebody else’s office. You knew what I needed from you today.”
“I’ll get it right.” He reaches toward my closed hand. “Please give me another chance.”
I take his wrist and turn his palm upward. He tries to curl his fingers around mine, but I put the ring into his hand and close them over it.
“You had a chance while I was sitting beside you.” I release him. “I was looking straight at you.”
He opens his hand and stares at the band. I have to turn toward the car before I reach for it again.
“I’ll tell her she can’t speak to you that way.” He follows me to the door. “I’ll go back upstairs and do it now.”
“I wanted you to do it before I had to leave.” I catch the handle, but my fingers slip. “You can’t make me feel how I would have felt hearing it then.”
He puts his free hand against the roof, leaving the doorway clear while I try again.
“I love you.” He bends enough that I have to see his face. “I know I’ve hurt you. I love you, Ramona.”
I lift my hand toward his cheek before I stop myself. He waits, and I lower it against my stomach.
“I love you, too.” I look at the hand holding my ring. “I can’t keep using that as a reason to stay through this.”
He draws back just enough for me to get into the car. I settle on the seat, keeping my hands in my lap while he stands beside the open door.
“Let me come with you.” He grips the door’s edge. “We don’t have to go back upstairs.”
“I need the drive without another argument.” I look up at him. “Please let me have that.”
His hand loosens. He steps back when the driver approaches, and I keep my eyes on him until the door closes.
“Where would you like to go, Mrs. Wyatt?” The driver meets my gaze in the mirror.
“Take me home, please.” I pull the seat belt across my chest, missing the buckle before I get it fastened.
As the car moves, Julius follows beside my window. He holds up the hand with my ring in it, trying to catch my eye through the tinted glass.
I turn toward him, but the driver has to steer around the next car. Julius stops beside the row of waiting Wyatt vehicles while we continue toward the exit.
My phone lights up before we reach the ramp.
Julius: I’m coming home. Please wait for me.
I read it with my bare hand resting against the screen. Then I open Dad’s messages and start typing.
Ramona: Can you help me get my things tomorrow?
I look at the words until the car turns onto the road. The arena is still visible through the rear window, our name lit above the entrance.
I press send before I can ask myself to give Julius another day.
He’ll find me at home tonight. Tomorrow, I’m leaving.