Chapter 48
Rheadur
Stepping onto my country’s soil after so many months leaves me torn.
As I get off the plane and see my family—even my father, who hardly ever leaves the palace these days—standing on our private landing strip waiting for me, my heart fills with love.
I missed Rheadur, and I missed my relatives deeply as well, because despite all the turmoil and disagreements, this is where my roots are.
On the other hand, I know that even if my relationship with Rodrick isn’t ideal at the moment, he is who I want to be with. The country where I was born is no longer my home.
I don’t think the wounds my husband carries inside will heal overnight, but I saw it in his eyes: he truly wants me and wants to try to overcome the past. At what pace that process will happen, I have no idea.
I’ve just arrived at my old bedroom in the main palace and see that it’s been redecorated to be a couple’s room, probably a thoughtful touch arranged by Adeela.
Later there will be a dinner in my honor, hosted by our sheikh for the entire family—which is an absurd number of people—and even though I’m not particularly excited, it will be good to see them again.
Someone knocks on the door, and I assume it’s a servant with my luggage, but it’s my mother. She was the only close relative who didn’t come to greet me at the airport.
“Jazmina, it’s good to see you.”
Normally, I would respond politely, because I was never able to be myself around her, always worried about her judgment. But the girl who was afraid to let her true personality surface is gone. I’m no longer an insecure teenager; I’m a married woman.
“Is it really good, or are you saying that because you think it’s what I want to hear?”
“May I sit?” she asks formally.
It’s strange that, despite being mother and daughter, we have no intimacy at all.
I gesture to the armchair by the window and sit in the other one.
“Are you happy?”
“Does that matter to you, Mother?”
“I’m not the villain in the story of your life, Jazmina.”
“I didn’t say you were, but you have to admit you’ve never cared about my happiness.”
“What is happiness? I have no idea. I was raised to exist. To fulfill the role expected of me.”
“I know, and if you’re at peace with that, I won’t be the one to judge. But I ask that you don’t do the same to me. Respect my choices.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not disrespect; it’s concern. When you become a mother, you’ll understand that even when children grow up, we never stop worrying.”
“The conflicts aren’t because you care about my happiness, but because you want to shape me to fit a mold you consider perfect. It doesn’t fit me, Mother. It never did. I spill over on all sides. If I tried to fit into it, I’d probably end up missing pieces of myself. I’d never be whole.”
“And with him, do you feel whole?”
“Yes. Completely. Our marriage has problems, and I believe all of them do, but I love him with my heart and soul.”
“I won’t lie and say I understand this love, my daughter, but I won’t torment you into changing your mind. I accept your choice.”
I have the argument on the tip of my tongue that I don’t need anyone’s approval to love my husband and choose to stay by his side, but I don’t want another fight.
“How long do you plan to stay?”
“Not long. I wanted to see you all. Kaled and Adeela told me about the insurgents’ actions, and I was worried.”
“We’re fine. Careful but fine. Your brother is a good sheikh.” She stands. “I hope this conversation is a new beginning for us. I’m not good at making peace, but I’m trying. Did you like the room?”
“Were you the one who had it redecorated?”
She looks awkward. “Yes.”
I decide to do my part to improve our relationship.
I walk over and hug her.
“Thank you, Mother. I appreciate your care.” I hope she understands that I’m not referring only to the redecorating but also to her concern for my happiness.
At first she remains stiff, but then she returns a shy hug.
That’s another thing that always bothered me about our relationship: she rarely touched or hugged me.
After a few seconds, sensing that it might be too much for one day, I pull back.
“You’re more mature, more confident about what you want,” she says.
“I think that’s what love does. It makes us stronger.”
She nods, but I’m not sure she truly knows what it is to be in love. Her marriage to my father was arranged; they had never met before their wedding day.
“I have to go.”
“All right,” I say, seeing her out.
The door closes, and I reach into my bag for my phone.
As soon as I turn it on to message Rodrick that I arrived safely, the device chimes with a text.
Duke: Call me.
How can he sound so bossy with just one word? I wonder, smiling, my heart already aching with longing.
I dial. “Hi.”
“You took a while to call.”
“I just got to the palace. Believe it or not, almost my entire family was waiting for me.”
“Even your mother?”
“No. She wasn’t there, but she came to see me here and we talked.”
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes. Not perfect, but we’re understanding each other better.”
“How was your trip?”
“I don’t like this formal tone between us. I’d rather you say that from the moment I stepped out of our house, you haven’t been able to think about anything but me and that you’ve come to the conclusion that I’m your entire world,” I tease, though I want that with all my soul.
“It’s true. You are my entire world, and your place is by my side.” He pauses. “I’ve decided I’m going to seek help.”
“What?”
“I’m going to see a therapist to see if I can put to bed some unresolved issues from my past. I did therapy as a teenager, but only briefly, right after my father died. Back then I was too angry and confused to truly try.”
“Are you doing this for me? I don’t want you to feel obligated or force yourself into something you don’t want because of me.”
“You know me, princess. The idea of opening up isn’t pleasant, but I want a future for us. I don’t think I’ll ever fully digest my past, but at least I’ll live with it without feeling filthy.”
“You’re not filthy. You’re honorable, strong, and good, but I know telling you that won’t help. You need to discover it yourself.”
“I know. That’s why I chose therapy. I want everything with you.”
My heart beats almost painfully. “Everything?”
“Yes. A real home, not the apartment I lived in when I was single. A place where we can relax in London too. Where you’re happy, like you are when we’re in Scotland.”
“We’ll look for a house when I get back,” I say, emotional, because I know this is a huge step for him.
“Would you have come back if I hadn’t called?”
“Yes. I never planned to stay here. We can buy another house if that’s what you want. I like the idea—I prefer houses to apartments—but not because we need a home. You are my home.”
“I want us to have a religious wedding, both according to my traditions and yours. I’m thinking of flying to Rheadur. Would there be time to organize a ceremony?”
“Are you sure? Weddings here, even if we limit them to only the closest people, are long and full of rituals.”
“I’m sure. You’ll have everything you deserve, my duchess. Maybe I’ll never be able to offer you enough, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying.”
“I love you, Rodrick. Our marriage may have started as a contract of convenience, but it became real. It could never have been with anyone else.”
“No, it couldn’t. You’re mine, Jazmina. You always have been.”
After we hang up, I sit on the bed, hardly able to believe it. I imagine how hard it must have been for him to take that first step and decide on therapy. Rodrick is proud and closed-off, a dangerous combination when help is needed.
As willing as I am to talk with him about his past, I know there will be things he won’t feel comfortable telling me, and I understand.
I don’t need to know everything; I want him to resolve his ghosts within himself.
He didn’t bring up the subject that’s become our Achilles’ heel—children—but it’s probably too much for him to process all at once.
Days later
“You look more beautiful than ever, my daughter. I’m glad you decided on a religious ceremony here as well.”
“I want something simple, Father. I’ll follow all the rites to please you, and because Rodrick wants it too, but it won’t be a wedding like Adeela and Kaled’s, with counselors and high society present. Just family.”
“What did your brother think?”
“He understood. Besides not wanting a huge celebration anyway, I don’t think it’s wise to flaunt my union with a Westerner in the face of the opposition.”
“Has anyone disrespected you?”
“Not with words, but I’ve noticed certain looks. I won’t allow anyone to belittle my marriage or be prejudiced against my husband. I love him, and no creed or social rule will change that.”
He smiles with that serene, unshakable calm. My father is a fortress. He’s been through so much and never lost the kindness in his heart.
“When you told me you were getting married, my greatest fear was that you were entering a loveless union. That might work with my other daughters, but not with you, Jazmina. You’re the kind of girl who won’t accept less from life than she deserves.
Now that I see the devotion to your husband in your eyes, I’m at ease. ”
One week later
“You can’t stop smiling. You’re happy your husband will be arriving soon, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I don’t know whether I’ve thanked you yet with all the chaos of the last few days, but thank you so much for organizing our wedding ceremony so quickly.”
As we walk with a dozen bodyguards behind us, people watch us from a distance.
There are only a few shopkeepers around. A full-scale security operation was organized so we could come to the gold market. Only five establishments are open this morning, by order of my brother. Kaled is obsessed with our safety.
I promised Josephine I’d manage contacts with local dealers so she could show her jewelry.
I spoke with Kaled, and he advised me to come.
It’s a good way to help my friend. If all goes well, the merchants here will supply the raw materials, she’ll do the design, and the final product will be sold here.
Josephine doesn’t want favors—she wants to build things on her own, which I admire.
“I would have preferred a larger celebration, but I agree with you that it would take too long and the moment isn’t right. While these internal conflicts persist, it’s best to stay under the radar.”
“Either way, Rodrick wouldn’t be able to spend that much time in Rheadur, and to be honest, I want to go back home soon too.”
“Home. It’s funny to hear you say that about another country.”
“It’s the truth, Adeela. Even more than London, Scotland is my home now.”
“So you’ve worked things out?”
“Yes, we’re getting there. We’ve been married for such a short time, and I’ve learned that living together is hard, but I’m where I want to be. I love him madly.”
She smiles that knowing smile, as if she understands all the secrets of the world. Adeela has always been wise, even when we were girls.
I’ve matured too in recent months. Living alone, even under heavy watch, made me more confident in my choices. I no longer feel the need to constantly justify myself, because I know who I am and what I want.
“You’ve changed a lot,” she says.
“I think we both have. We’ve grown, sister.”
We’re about to enter the first shop, but I stop and take her hand, smiling.
What happens next feels like someone pressed fast-forward on the film of my life.
Two men rush toward us, lifting us off the ground and running away.
I can’t escape or even understand what’s happening, so I scream with all the strength in my lungs.
I can see fear on Adeela’s face too.
Suddenly we’re outdoors, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the men carrying us are part of the palace’s personal guard.
My peace doesn’t last long because moments later, I hear an explosion, and the world dissolves into smoke.