25. Sutton
Sutton
“Ihonestly can’t remember the last time I did this,” I told Quinn as I pushed Sophie’s stroller out of the store. We’d spent the last two hours at the mall, wandering around, browsing stores I hadn’t been to since before I was pregnant.
Thanks to my job, I was able to buy a new top that Quinn said I had to have and a few new things for Sophie without sweating about the total. Financial stability was a liberating feeling. Not stressing as much about providing for my daughter was such a relief.
“Me neither.” She threw her coffee in a garbage can nearby as we made our way to where we’d parked. She had insisted on driving so we’d transferred Sophie’s seat to her car. She told me she didn’t drive much these days so she wanted the chance to. “Okay! On to phase two of girls’ day.”
I smiled at her as we walked. I was eternally grateful that she had come into my life. She was a fantastic boss but an even better friend. She was always open to listening, always looking to include me, not to mention funny and down to earth. I’d never had a friend like her.
“What is phase two exactly?” I asked as I strapped Sophie into her seat and Quinn loaded the stroller into the back of her SUV.
It was brand new, black, very high end with a very high safety rating. She’d rolled her eyes when Knight gave it to her, insisting he return it, but he’d already gotten rid of her old car. She wasn’t impressed, they got in a fight, and then she forgave him.
Observing their relationship helped me see how adults should treat each other when they really loved each other. I’d never experienced anything like it. And it gave me some hope for what I could have one day. For what it was like when people stayed.
“We’re going to pick up my friend Aubrey and then we’ll grab a bunch of junk food and wine and spend the night watching movies,” she said as she started the car and pulled away from the mall.
“You can drop me off at home if you would rather just hang with your friend one on one.” I looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction. I’d only said it because I didn’t want her to feel obligated to hang out with me.
Insecurities were a fucking bitch and some days they just got in your head.
My confidence was getting better every day but I was still working on it.
“No, I want you there. Plus, it’ll be good to have someone to distract us.”
I frowned at her. “What do you mean?”
“Aubrey and I were in a car accident a while back, her boyfriend was driving drunk. He ended up in jail. I’d thought we’d got through it okay.
She stayed with her parents for a bit while she recuperated but we’ve been a little…
off…since then. She’s back for a week or so but I think she might want to move back to Vancouver. ”
“That all sounds hard,” I commented.
Quinn nodded as she shoulder checked and changed lanes. “It is. We’ve just been kind of growing apart, I guess.”
“So I’m your buffer?” I asked with a smile so she knew I wasn’t too serious.
“No, you’re my friend and conveniently she’s excited about hanging out with us tonight. I think she just gets jealous of my relationship with Theo.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
“Please, you don’t get to talk. Has Asher called since he left?” she asked as she pulled to a stop outside an apartment building.
I blushed a little and looked away. The day after he’d shown me the nursery at his place, he’d called all grumbly to let me know he had to fly out to Toronto for work, that he was not happy to be leaving, and that he’d be back as soon as he could.
Oli was with him and had asked in the group chat for good vibes to be sent his way because Asher was worse than normal.
Since he’d left two days ago, Asher and I Facetimed at dinner so he could see Sophie and then we would Facetime again for a few more hours after she went to bed each night. And he kept up a stream of light conversation over text throughout the day.
“I’ll get in the back with Soph.” I pushed out of my seat just as a woman bounced up to the car, her brown bob pinned back with a clip.
After a quick stop at the store, we were back on the road. I spent a good amount of time watching Sophie babble in her seat as Aubrey and Quinn made slightly stinted small talk that relaxed the longer we drove, but when I looked up I got confused and glanced behind us.
“Where are we going?” If we were going to Quinn’s we would have taken the last right turn.
“Theo’s at my place.”
“Okay…well, that makes sense since you live with him.”
“We can’t have girls’ night with him there so I called Asher.” She glanced at me in the rearview as we pulled to a stop in front of my new favorite place.
I didn’t think I’d ever experienced that feeling of home that people talked about.
My house was always just somewhere I was or now where Sophie was.
But having been to Asher’s place for dinner all last week, I was starting to understand what people meant.
It scared me, because I hadn’t exactly been shown that people stuck around, but Asher kept showing up.
“Sutton?”
I focused back on the car as Aubrey called my name. Both women turned in their seats, looking at me.
“Huh?” I asked, clearly having missed something.
“Ash said it was fine for us to be here. And I don’t want to hear any arguments.” Quinn got out of the car and started inside.
There was nothing I could do now we were here.
Once we were settled in Asher’s living room, we talked about Quinn’s wedding plans, Aubrey’s work as a nurse and how she was looking to get a full-time job at the Children’s Hospital in Vancouver, and I shared the excitement over Sophie crawling, both of them happy to look at the pictures that Asher captured.
I was having fun. Quinn and Aubrey’s awkwardness disappeared more with each passing moment. I could tell these girls had been friends for a while and I loved the stories they shared of their childhood, mostly because it had them both smiling.
The wine kept flowing so it was a good thing I’d brought some freezer milk with me from home.
My phone ringing on the table had me smiling when the picture of Asher popped up.
“Damn, that man plus a baby is too much,” Aubrey said around the licorice in her mouth. I rolled my eyes and stood up, a little wobbly from all the wine as I answered the phone and grabbed the baby monitor.
“Boooo!” Quinn yelled as she threw popcorn at me. “It’s girls’ night. Tell him to leave you alone!”
They both broke into fits of laughter as I shook my head at them.
I had gotten Sophie all settled in the nursery for the first time.
Asher, being Asher, had stocked it full of PJs, sleep sacks, diapers, and creams, as well as soaps and towels for the bathroom.
Everything I needed for her to stay the night was here.
I was told I had to take Asher’s room even though there were many other rooms available.
“Hello?” I made my way to his bedroom, stumbling again. “Shit, ouch,” I muttered as I stubbed my toe.
“Sweetheart?” I could tell he was smiling.
I stopped as I noticed the lamps I’d chosen on his bedside tables. That made me really happy.
“Sorry.” I flopped back on his bed. “Stubbed my toe.” His laugh filled my ear as I grabbed his pillow. I loved that everything here smelled like him. It was deeply comforting. “You’re going to get me in trouble.”
He made a noise. “I’m not deviating from our schedule just because you have people over. I wanted to hear your voice. But you can go if you want.”
“I don’t want,” I said quickly before biting my tongue. I heard him chuckle on the other end of the phone as I settled further into his bed. “Did you just finish?”
“Yeah, I’m fucking tired of dinners away from you and Soph.” I bit my lip and smiled into the pillow. “Sweetheart?”
“Yeah, Grizzly?” Before he could say anything else my phone beeped and I pulled it away and saw the Facetime request coming through.
I answered as I sat up a little, placing pillows behind my head and resting against the headboard.
“That’s better,” he sighed as he relaxed in the same way in his hotel room.
“How’s the trip?”
“It’s fine. I’d rather be home.”
I smiled. “Sophie loves her crib here. Did you see the picture I sent?” It was of her cuddled up with the bunny watching her from the side. She couldn’t sleep now unless it was next to her.
“Adorable,” he muttered, a soft look on his face. “Like seeing you in my bed.”
I flushed. “Asher…” I warned as he gave me a small smile. When he started to say stuff like that, it made me want something I wasn’t sure I was ready for.
“Sorry, I’m tired. It slipped out. Normally I keep those thoughts to myself.”
I bit the inside of my cheek and tucked my free hand under my arm.
“Talk to me, Sutton.”
I frowned a little as he sat up in his bed. He could read me scarily well. But with the alcohol and his scent enveloping me, I felt a little braver.
It also helped that he was in a different city, a flight away, safe on the other side of the screen. He was silent as he waited for me to get my thoughts together.
“You like me here…now.”
“Explain.” His tone was demanding as usual. I let out a puff of air. I liked that he waited until he understood my thought process before he gave me his opinion.
“You like having me and my daughter around now. What happens when you get tired of us? When Sophie has a bad day or when I get a little overwhelmed and a little cranky? What happens when you get tired of me wanting to be your friend, what if you get a girlfriend and then I’ll be without you again?
I just don’t know how to go back to a time before you were in my life.
Calling me, texting me, making me dinner, holding my daughter, holding me, being a shoulder to cry on when I really need it.
I’m terrified of how this will all turn out and scared because I still don’t know what I want. ”
The last part was a bit of a lie. I knew what I wanted.
Him.
But I didn’t trust it not to be taken away.
“Fucking hell. I wish I was there so I could make you look at me.”
I lifted my eyes from where I had been staring off to the side. It was easier to not pay him any attention as I spat out what was bothering me.
“There are no other women in my life, hasn’t been since I met you, and I think you know there was no one seriously before that either.
I have no intention of changing that. Not now and not any time in the future.
You can be cranky or overwhelmed and Sophie can have a bad day and I will still be here.
I’ve been there and I haven’t run, Sutton.
“I know you’re uncertain, I know you don’t trust that I’m in this for you, so take however fucking long you need.
I’ll be here. I will tell you that a million more times if you need.
I know that when your ex and friends turned their backs on you and Soph, it messed with your head.
You say you’re used to people leaving but I don’t think you really are.
That’s what you’re scared of, but I’m not going anywhere.
I would rather cut off my own hand than hurt you or that precious little girl. ”
“A tad dramatic,” I mumbled with a smile, hoping he didn’t see that his words had made me want to cry. I was going to blame the wine.
He smirked at me like he knew exactly why I was deflecting.
“Maybe, but just don’t give up on me. Let me show you that you can trust me. I want you just the way you are, okay?”
I met his intense gaze and then nodded.
He sagged against the bed. “Bloody hell, you scare me.”
“Sorry,” I muttered, frowning.
“Don’t feel bad, Sutton. I worry I won’t say the right thing. I’m not good at dealing with my emotions and I don’t want to lose you because I can’t express myself well.” He was being very honest tonight. Maybe he’d had wine too.
“I actually think you’re pretty great at it,” I said. He grunted, which made me laugh. “You fly home tomorrow?”
“Yeah, should be back around eleven.”
“Okay, well I’ll make sure—”
“No, you and Soph stay until I get home. We can go for lunch and then go do something after. You don’t have your car so I’ll drive you home.”
“How did you know that?” I didn’t know why I bothered asking, I’d seen Quinn on her phone earlier. I assumed she was texting Knight but now I thought it might have been Asher.
“Answer the question, Sutton.”
I knew there was only one answer. “Technically, you didn’t ask me a question.”
“Sutton…”
“I’ll be here.”