EMOTIONS LAID BARE
18
- ALANIS -
F our hundred and seven days I’ve been in the Primal Realm.
Fourteen days since Elion went missing.
Four days since Kailu left.
When I awoke that morning to find him gone, it felt as if the air had been punched from my lungs. I’m not sure what changed or where it all went wrong. One minute we were bickering, flirting, and kissing like teenagers, and the next he was cold and aloof. He pushed me away and then, like a coward, left so he didn’t have to face me.
Probably off to find Malakai’s sister. My mother always said my eavesdropping would only lead to bad things. I guess I finally learned my lesson. Overhearing his and Malakai’s conversation last night shredded what remained of my heart.
The morning after Kailu left, Malakai joined me where I sat glumly at the fire and made sure I ate breakfast. I tried to argue with him, but he wouldn’t relent. Then he sat there and made sure I ate the whole bowl of food.
Since then, I’ve been forced to deal with Hendrix and his mothering. Not to mention Malakai’s constant hovering. Malakai thinks that I don’t notice him lingering outside my tent when I go to sleep, but I do. I can sense him there, and I’m fairly certain the one time I was crying I heard a pained groan.
When the shock wore off, the pain started to become anger. It’s been fermenting for four days, and with each hour that passes, I become even more pissed.
Malakai barks orders to the group, taking charge and laying down plans in order to keep everyone safe. The plan is to continue south towards Bone Valley to where the last traces of Elion and the others were found, following the original plan Kailu laid out. Word from another patrol unit reached us by letter to report another ghoul attack, this one in Selianthe. The casualties were minimal but more soldiers were taken. The attacks grow closer and closer to Percius. I watch everything unfold in front of me, annoyed at being left out.
Everyone has been treating me like I’m breakable, like I’m made of glass. They think some male leaving me will render me somehow too fragile, too easy to break. I want to, but I am too damn stubborn to give any person that kind of power over me. I won’t let him know he broke me, or at least whatever was left of me.
After our parents died, Elion kept me from losing myself. He taught me to be strong and fight. Hannah kept me grounded when he was away and my job kept me busy. After Elion, it was Kailu who centered me, even when I couldn’t stand him.
That’s the problem, though. I’ve relied on everyone else to keep me content. No more, though. Relying on other people has only brought me heartache.
It’s time I stand on my own.
The landscape is barren, birch trees few and far between. The temperature is sweltering, the ground fried from the intense sun and lack of shade. I’m keenly aware of the sweat trickling down my back as I hold tightly to Malakai. We ride until sunset is upon us, the air cooling as the sun sinks, offering a much-needed reprieve. We decide on a small area in between two trees to camp, just off the trail we rode on, but far enough away that any passersby wouldn’t notice us. A light breeze changes the temperature drastically now that the sun has set.
I walk to the creek bordering our campsite and take a deep breath that smells like fresh autumn air and listen to the trickle of water.
A pang shoots through my heart.
Water reminds me of Kailu, his stupid power of water wielding. And he does it so beautifully. I’m even more upset knowing I may not ever find out what he shifts into.
Shaking my head, I sink to my knees and stare at my reflection on the rippling surface. My face looks pale and tired. The dark circles under my eyes are now impossible to hide. I flip my palms up and stare at my hands, wishing I had the power to make myself disappear.
Footsteps approach from behind, but I don’t turn. I already know who it is. He smells of leather, musk, and a hint of citrus. The breeze lets me know when he’s near far sooner than he thinks. Malakai followed me the minute I left the campsite, my own little shadow.
Since Kailu ran away, Malakai has hardly left my side, though he hasn’t flirted or made any innuendos like he did when I first met him. He comes across as crass and arrogant, and he definitely is, but he is also a hard worker and cares deeply for the safety of the realm.
Rain hits my palms and I stare at the drops as they fall.
No, not rain.
Tears.
I’m not sure when I started crying, but now that I have, I can’t seem to stop. I try to sniffle quietly, hoping he won’t hear, but my efforts are in vain. His stupid Fae ears pick up on every noise in a twenty-mile radius. He boasted about it one night at the campfire, when the Fae were arguing about whose senses were stronger.
Now, he sits down next to me without uttering a word. In just four days, this male has picked up on my biggest fear.
Maybe I’m just that transparent, or maybe that’s a pretty common fear, but I appreciate the kind gesture either way. Somehow, it just makes me cry harder, each sob feeling as if it hopes to crack my ribcage open, reveal to the world just how battered and bruised my heart truly is.
He scoots closer and pulls me into him. I’m stiff at first, not sure what to do. The only time I’ve been this close to him was when the ghoul poisoned me. It feels nice to have this moment of comfort, so instead of second guessing myself, I take what he offers and let his arms wrap around me. His chin rests gently on my head as my tears slowly subside.
The sound of the stream and his scent lull me into a sense of calm. I should apologize for getting my tears and snot on him, but instead I enjoy the silence that cocoons us.
After a while, I just decide to ask what I’ve been wanting to know for days.
“Do you know why he left?”
Malakai slowly rubs circles on my right shoulder with his thumb. “He believes he’s doing the right thing. He thought it would make it easier for you if you didn’t have to see him every day.”
I swallow hard, though it feels as if a rock is lodged in my throat. “It has to do with the cave, doesn’t it? Why did that happen? What does it even mean?”
His thumb stops its circular motion. I feel him take a deep breath. “It isn’t important right now. Just know that he didn’t leave because of anything you did.”
I sit up and look at him. His eyes are silver, though in a certain light I’ve seen them almost look white. His long hair is deep brown, almost black, and shaved on one side. Sometimes a strand falls into his face and I have the urge to push it back. His eyebrows are sharp, his square jaw shadowed with day-old stubble. His aquiline nose turns slightly up at the end. His lips are full, the upper lip just a little plusher than his bottom.
He really is the epitome of “bad boy” with his all-black trousers, heavy boots, and thin shirts that seem to be molded to his muscles. Not to mention the tattoos. But his personality and kindness betray his outward appearance.
“Tell me about you.” I wait patiently, not sure if he will actually respond. I wouldn’t blame him either way; he doesn’t know me and certainly doesn’t owe me anything.
He pulls me back towards him, resting his head on top of my own. Perhaps it’s easier to speak about himself without eye contact. “I was born in Percius. I have a sister. My parents are the tough-love kind, but they aren’t cold. My sister, Ayda, is younger than me by a decade. She has this personality that overflows onto others. I swear in all our years I’ve only seen her unhappy a handful of times.” He huffs a laugh. “I’m her polar opposite in that regard. I started training as a soldier as soon as I was able, which is when I met Kailu. We were close friends, until just a few decades ago…”
When he trails off, I can feel the sorrow leaking out of him. “What happened?”
He shakes his head, as if clearing the memories. “Unfortunately, that isn’t my story to tell.”
I’m nosy and want to pry, but I respect his wishes. “What about you, though? You told me about your family and how you met Kailu, but I asked about you .”
He raises an eyebrow at me, almost as if he doesn’t know how to answer. As if no one has ever asked about him in particular.
“I’m not sure what you want to know.”
I give him a smile, the first one I feel like I’ve made in days. “Let’s play a game, I ask a question and then you do. Deal?”
He smirks, that panty-melting smirk that I’m sure every female and even some males would drop their clothes at. His smile grows like he can hear my thoughts, and my cheeks burn.
Tucking my face back into his side, I ask my first question. “What’s your favorite color?”
Malakai chuckles at my mundane question, but he still answers. “Black.”
I roll my eyes and feel his silent chuckle. “How original,” I say sarcastically.
“What’s yours, then, smarty pants?”
“Silver,” I blurt, without fully thinking about why. And then I pause, jerking my head back. Right up until the moment I spoke, it had been blue. But his damn eyes made me change my mind without thinking. They’re like endless pools of liquid metal, swirling silver that seem to truly see me and who I am at my core.
His arms stiffen at my response, but he makes no other comment, saving me from extreme embarrassment.
It’s his turn to ask a question, but I say, “What do you do for fun?” all the same. I’m kind of scared of what he might consider fun.
He doesn’t seem perturbed I stole his turn. “I don’t know if it would be considered fun for some, but I enjoy being outdoors—exploring new places, especially.”
My breath catches. I know exactly what he means. “I used to enjoy that as well, though it’s been a while. This is the most I’ve gotten out in over a year, and safe to say it has been less than pleasant most of the time.”
He makes a noise deep in his throat, as if in understanding. “Do you have any family besides the brother we’re rescuing? Did they stay behind in the Caselian Realm?”
My heart seizes at his question. For the first time, I actually want to tell someone about my life before this. Something deep inside me tugs, like someone stands at the other end of a string, pulling me along. It’s the same sensation I felt on the ship when we first docked here.
And just like then, I put my trust in that tug now. “When I was a baby, my parents found me in a compost heap outside one of the markets they sold crops to. My birth mother threw me away like rubbish. They called the sheriff, but no one could find out who she was. So, they took me home and raised me as their own, even though they already had a four-year-old boy. At no point did I ever feel unwanted or like an outsider. I even had a best friend, Elizabeth. Other than my brother, she was the only friend I had. Everyone at school treated me like I was different, but not her.”
I pause, remembering the moment it all changed. “She became popular and rumors about me started spreading. She no longer wanted to be seen with me. Looking back, I get she was scared. The rumors alone could have sent us both to the execution block. I had my first boyfriend, and I thought I loved him…You know how anyone feels about their first real relationship, I suppose.” I break off, chuckling. “He left shortly after I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him.
“School just wasn’t great for me. I never truly fit in. I always had my brother, though, and my parents. My father more so than my mother. She was a tad standoffish with me, especially as I got older. I always thought it was most likely because I wasn’t truly hers. My father never made me feel like that, though, nor Elion. At least, until my parents weren’t there anymore either, until death ripped them from me. And now here I am. I lost Elion, too, and I didn’t matter enough for Kailu to stick around. I’m used to people leaving, so I’m not sure why it even bothers me anymore.” I let out a slow breath, leaving myself vulnerable and emotionally flayed.
Malakai curses. “That’s not why he left. I need you to know that.”
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter.”
He turns me towards him, gripping my shoulders hard—not hard enough to bruise, but enough that he knows I’m paying attention. “Your feelings do matter. You matter. And anybody who ever made you feel otherwise is a fool.”
I can feel the tears building in my eyes, but don’t let them fall. I’m so very tired of crying. I raise my gaze to the starry sky instead, unsure of when the sun set or how much time has passed.
“Did they ever find your birth mother?” Malakai asks quietly.
“No,” I whisper into the hushed night. “They questioned many people, but no one knew anything. Or, at least, no one wanted to admit that they’d gotten rid of me.”
He stares off into the trees, his arm back around my shoulders. “What did you mean you were always different?”
I shrug, remembering the words that mean school kids threw at me every day. “They always made fun of me for not knowing my real mother. Said that if she didn’t want me, no one would. They started rumors that I was a Witch, which in the Caselian Realm is illegal. I was just the freak who liked to draw and be alone. The rumors were harmless at first, but then unexplained things happened and they became more real, which put everyone in danger. It’s funny thinking of it now, at least. They always used to say I had the mark of evil, and I tried to ignore it, but maybe they were right.”
Malakai’s fists are clenched so tightly—his whole body is, really. I’m scared he’s going to burst a blood vessel from the tension radiating through him.
“What mark?”
I suddenly feel self-conscious, but I slowly move my hair off my neck to show him the mark just behind my left ear, talking the whole time to cover my nerves. “My family always said it looked like the moon covered by shadow, but the kids just saw an ugly dark spot and said I was cursed.”
I hear him suck in a breath as he runs his fingers over the mark. His touch is feather-light, causing tingles to shoot through my body. “Shadow Vale,” he whispers so quietly I almost miss it.
“What?”
He ignores my question. “What did you draw?”
The question catches me off guard, so I answer without second guessing or having anxiety that he too will think I’m weird. “A lot of stuff, really. Mostly symbols I just made up. They never meant anything that I know of…” I trail off. “They would just come to my brain and I felt like I had to get them down on paper or else I would lose my mind. Almost like the pull I had to this realm; both were overwhelming sensations that I couldn’t ignore.”
His hand drops from my neck, leaving me feeling cold. “Alanis…”
My heart lurches. He’s going to leave now, too. I showed him all my brokenness and crazy. What did I expect? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I mentally slap myself.
He gets up and I drop my chin to my chest. I should be used to this by now. I was reminded they always leave just days ago, and here I am picking the scab off my past.
But he takes me by surprise when he kneels in front of me, pinching my chin between his fingers, forcing my eyes up to meet his.
“I am not leaving. I don’t think you are weird. And you are definitely not stupid.”
My eyes grow wide. How the hell did he know what I was thinking? Kailu controlled water, can he read minds?
He gives me a small smile. “I can read your emotions like an open book.”
My brow furrows.
“Alanis, I think I might know why you never found your mother.”
My eyes snap to his. “What do you mean?”
His eyes flick to my left ear, just for a moment. “That’s no ordinary birthmark. It’s the symbol for the Shadow Vale Witches. Each Witch is born with that mark.”
My mouth drops open without my consent. “What are you saying?”
Sharp silver eyes stare at me intently, as if trying to see into my soul. “What I’m saying, Alanis, is that I think there is a strong possibility that they were right. Not that you’re a freak, or that you’re evil, but that you might be a Witch.”
My laughter surprises even me, loud and abrasive and hard enough to hurt. I laugh so hard I can feel the tears leaking down my face. I can’t even remember the last time I laughed this hard. It’s only when Malakai doesn’t join in that I wipe the tears from my face and look towards him, shocked that someone so serious could crack a joke like that. And yet his face shows no signs of amusement.
“Wait, you’re serious?”
Nodding, he starts back towards camp. I follow after him like a lost puppy, wondering if he’s going to explain further.
“The Shadow Vale Coven resides in the Onyx Territory in the Rorane Mountains,” he begins when I’ve caught up. “There are multiple covens all over the realm, but they are the most well-known and powerful. Their matriarch has strong fire-wielding powers. The entire coven has powers that are strong, but if united together they could be unstoppable. One of their most famous Witches was Odessa Grim, as she was one of the only Witches in their history to master multiple elemental powers.”
He pauses, as if aware the words need a moment to sink in as my brain flits back to the ice that formed that fateful day in the medical tent.
“Odessa left the coven when she fell in love with a Fae soldier,” he continues. “That has to be about a hundred years ago by now. No one knows where they went, but eventually they left the realm. As you can imagine, this infuriated the coven, especially the matriarch. They haven’t worked as a united team since. One could speculate that Odessa might have had a baby at some point, may have even ended up in the Caselian Realm.”
My breaths grow shallow. We stop walking, but I can see the tents in the darkness.
At last, I manage to ask, “You’re saying you think my mother is a Witch and my father is Fae?”
He looks into my eyes with such intensity that my cheeks heat. “The matriarch of the coven would know,”
I swallow. If it’s true, and that she’s mad at my birth mother, I can’t imagine why she’d help us. “This is just so much, and frankly I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’m overwhelmed, you know?”
“Let’s get some sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
He walks me to the tent I share with Hannah, but I pause before entering, not sure how to say goodnight. I like his company; something about him settles my soul. It’s so similar to how I felt with Kailu that it startles me. How is it possible two males I’ve only known a short while can offer me such peace?
Damning the consequences, I rise to my toes and kiss his cheek, catching him so off guard that his mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. It’s comical, almost cute, if you can describe someone so rugged that way.
“Thank you for listening to me vent earlier.” With one last smile, I duck into my tent without waiting for him to respond. I’m fairly sure he stands there, motionless, for quite some time.