31. Finn
FINN
“ W here’s the birria?” Connor asked, rustling through the bags on Liam’s kitchen island.
My phone buzzed with a message from Brenna. You still haven’t bought Grace a Christmas gift yet. You told me to remind you, so consider yourself reminded.
I don’t know what had gotten into Brenna lately, but she was…bolder? Certainly less deferential. I’ll talk to Connor today and send you the list.
If you can get it to me after lunch, I’ll sort it out this afternoon. Clock’s ticking to have something delivered ahead of the holiday if I have to order it online.
“Are you eating my food?”
I rubbed my eyes. What day was it? Between attending the premiere for Every Day Is Sunday and all the work involved in the lead-up to the theatrical release this weekend, I’d completely lost track of time.
I knew Christmas was just around the corner, but all I could think about was Every Day crushing it at the box office, and more importantly, crushing The Last Stand —that damn war movie.
That thought beat like an endless drum in my temple. It was all I could focus on half the time. And maybe that was for the best. If I wasn’t thinking about the numbers, my thoughts strayed back to Sierra, and I didn’t want to linger there.
“Dude!”
“Huh?” I said as Connor waved his hands in front of my face. “What?”
“You’ve been looking at your phone for like five minutes with a blank stare,” Liam said.
“And you’re eating my tacos!” Connor added. He glared at me, unimpressed, and yanked the box in his direction.
“Shit, sorry.” At least we’d grown out of the habit of wrestling over food at the table. “What does Grace want for Christmas?”
“An uncle with his head screwed on straight,” Connor muttered, diving into his meal.
“Not helpful,” I said. “Send me a list, or I’m getting her that sheep farm.”
Connor snorted.
“Seriously, man. What’s on your mind?” Liam asked, doling salsa and chips onto his plate.
It had been his turn to choose the restaurant for our weekly catch up, but the paparazzi had been relentless since my breakup with Sierra.
To prevent ourselves from being stalked by middle-aged men with cameras, we’d opted to get take-out from his favorite taco joint, Sharkies, and take it back to his place in Studio City .
Mia was at VeriTV Studios working on the upcoming season of Liam’s hit show, End in Fire , and with Mom back in San Francisco with Grace, we had the house to ourselves.
“I told you not to scroll through the reviews,” he said, shaking his head.
“There are bound to be some shitty ones mixed in with all the good. Don’t dwell on them. ”
“That’s not what I’m doing.” The reviews had been largely positive since the premiere. Sure, there were always those people who just didn’t “connect” with the plot, but the critics who mattered, the ones who had the ability to sway public opinion, had great things to say.
“Then what are you stressing out over?”
“Guess I’m just hung up on opening weekend. This will be the thing that really determines the film’s success with audiences. The thing that sets us apart. And I obviously want to generate the right amount of buzz to be an awards contender.”
“But how are you doing with everything?” Connor asked, tipping his head in my direction.
I tugged at my collar, popping open my top button. “As long as the press is going well, then I’m absolutely fine.”
Connor shoved half a taco in his mouth. “Liar,” he mumbled.
“Did you say something?” I snarked.
Liam reached down the counter and nudged me. “We’re worried about you, man.”
“What for? I’m great.”
“Great,” Connor said, putting the word in air quotes.
“You’re pulling longer hours than usual,” Liam pointed out. “I mean, we all work long days. That’s nothing new. But I’ve heard through the grapevine that there have been nights where you haven’t even left the office. ”
Because sometimes going home to that massively empty king bed was just depressing. “Care to elaborate on said grapevine?”
“No comment,” Liam said.
“Plus, you tried flaking on lunch today,” Connor said. “Which is an even bigger red flag. You know we don’t cancel on each other without threat to life or limb.”
I licked my lips, caught. There was no way to play down that concern. I had tried to ditch my brothers this afternoon, but mostly because I wasn’t in the mood for an interrogation, however well-intentioned. “There’s nothing to worry about,” I assured them.
“And before you start harping on me for staying late at the office, you should know that I was out on the town almost every night last week. Trust me, I’m not working too hard.
” In truth, I’d been out meeting with distributors and investors and lining up Hart of Gold’s next several projects, but they didn’t need to know that.
Connor hummed, unconvinced. “Yes, ‘on the town.’ The same place you like to go when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re falling apart.”
“I’m not falling apart.”
“You forget we’ve had decades to learn your tells,” Liam said. “We know what you do when you’re struggling. Go out into the world and put on a show. Because what could possibly be wrong as long as you’re still showing up with that smile?”
I grumbled, hating how well they could read me. I hated being under their microscope. I hated knowing that they could pick me apart. It’s what Sierra had done, too, and I also hated to think about how well she’d come to know me. It stung somewhere so deep in my chest, it was impossible to reach .
Liam offered me the container of tortilla chips. “How are you really handling the brea?—”
“I’ve been talking to Mom a bit since she’s settled back in San Francisco,” I rushed to say, cutting off his question.
Liam’s eyes narrowed. Usually, he wouldn’t let me get away with changing the subject, but I was banking on him not being able to resist the rare opportunity of me being the one to bring up Mom. “She told me you didn’t seem very receptive to repairing your relationship the last time you spoke.”
“Yeah, well…” A lot had happened since then.
“We’re not having daily chats or anything.
I think we’re a long way off from that.” I wasn’t sure how our relationship would evolve from this point forward, but I’d agreed not to push her away at the very least. “We have been talking, though. It’s been… good.”
“I’m glad you’re working toward forgiving her,” Connor said, relieved.
I frowned. “I was upset about the ruined footage, but I think we’ve moved past that now. The distance makes it easier in some ways. Having her underfoot on set was…difficult. And that was before I found out about her and X.”
My brothers both looked uncomfortable at the mention of X, especially Connor. I’d had the most time to get used to the idea of Mom dating again. For Liam and Connor, it was still relatively new information they were processing—our mother was officially putting herself back out there.
“I wasn’t just talking about forgiveness for the footage,” Connor said. “But thank you for reminding me that Mom was hooking up with your director without any of us knowing. ”
Liam grimaced. “In my house.”
I smirked. “Sounds like Mom was getting more action around here than you and Mia.”
Liam massaged his eyes. “Christ, stop. I don’t need that mental image.”
“Anyway,” Connor said, swiftly moving on.
“We know your issues with Mom go back a lot further than just what happened during filming. Maybe it’s not my place to bring it up…
” He sighed. “But we all know you’ve never really forgiven Mom for how much she’d struggled while we were growing up.
I think that’s why your relationship has always been so rocky. ”
“I don’t blame her for her struggles,” I said. “I’ve just stopped expecting different results.”
“Exactly,” Connor said. “Which is just as hard on her.”
“Hard on her ?” I said, trying and failing not to sound offended. Connor had been there for our shitty childhood just like I had been.
“Just look at that family dinner she hosted at Liam’s,” he continued. “You already had your chef on standby. You didn’t even give her a chance; you just planned for her to let us down.”
“And she did! Do you not remember that disgusting appetizer?” I said.
“I think the point is you’re always planning for her to fall apart,” Liam said. “And that’s maybe what’s standing in the way of you having a good relationship with her.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes those plans came in handy and saved our asses,” I said.
“I’m not saying that’s not true,” Liam agreed, “but I think your refusal to see anything other than her failures means you’ve always treated her like a bomb about to go off.”
I nodded, failing to see the issue. “Which means I’m prepared when disaster strikes.”
“But it also means you’ve never really bothered getting to know the other parts of her,” Connor said.
“She’s smart, funny, interesting…I just think you might actually find something in common with her if you got to know the person she really is—the one that therapy and treatment has helped her find—instead of always expecting her to be the worst version of herself. ”
“And I know that’s hard,” Liam cut in, “but things between Mom and me have gotten a lot better recently. It could be like that with you, too. I think that would really mean a lot to her—and it would be good for you to stop being so braced for disaster.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared,” I said defensively. “With wanting to have a plan in place to deal with things before they get too messy or too complicated.”
“Okay, but tell me this,” Connor said. “Is there really a single good thing in your life that’s not been messy or complicated?”
I considered his question. Every Day was a good thing, but I couldn’t deny that it had had its fair share of messes.
And Sierra had been a great thing, but that had imploded, leaving me in the middle of a disaster zone.
The more I thought about it, the more I was forced to admit that every important relationship, every major achievement, all had their complications.
“Exactly,” Connor said, taking my silence for agreement.
“Just look at me. My divorce was a mess. I suppose you could say that if I’d never met Ali, if I’d never pursued her, my life would be far less complicated.
But then I wouldn’t have Grace. And don’t you think she’s worth all that mess and trouble? ”
“And think of all the headaches I had with End in Fire ,” Liam said. “It was those messy problems that eventually brought me and Mia together. I’m not saying mess is easy, but sometimes it’s worth slogging through.”
“And sometimes avoiding problems is the right choice,” I said, pushing back. “The situation with Layla was a mess. You’re saying I should have stuck around and tried to make that work even after she cheated on me?”
“No, of course not!” Connor said, mopping up his fallen birria meat with tortilla chips.
“It’s the right call to end a relationship when only one person in it is trying to make it work.
But when someone loves you and is putting in the effort to meet you halfway, then I’d say you’re an idiot to throw that away just because it’s hard. ”
“No one worth loving is going to fit your idea of perfection,” Liam said.
“I’m worried you’re going to spend the rest of your life trying to jam people into boxes that don’t exist, only to wake up and realize that no one else is interested in the little act you’ve got going on.
And if there’s no one there to perform for, why are you putting yourself through that? ”
Sure, okay, maybe they had a point. Mom was never going to be the mom I’d always wanted when I was a boy, but that didn’t mean I had to close the door to having an actual relationship with her—one based on who she was rather than who I either wanted or feared her to be.
And…wait… “We’re still just talking about Mom, right? ”
“Well, gee,” Connor said, making a goofy face at me. “There wouldn’t happen to be another amazingly complex woman you blew your chance at a relationship with, would there?”
I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm. “Point taken.”
“Finally,” Connor said, reaching for one of the tacos in front of me. “ Because the same lesson applies here with Sierra about seizing the chance to be happy.”
Liam nodded in agreement. “It’s time to embrace the mess, Finn.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “Time to set ‘The Face’ aside and go after all the perfectly imperfect things in this world that make life worth living.”