Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
Efa
I have forty-five minutes for lunch. I head back into the laundry room. Daylight filters down to the basement here from a lightwell and it’s one of the few places in the hotel where staff can relax and see daylight. I also kinda like the constant rumble of the dryers and the mountains of white towels that vary in size but never completely disappear. Somehow, it’s comforting that some things are certain in this world.
I grab my book from my locker and head toward the benches where we sit when the housekeeper gives her team talks. I step over the bench so I can face the lightwell. When I crack open my book, the alarm on my phone goes off.
I check it. It’s the alarm I set when we went to the Catskills to make sure we didn’t sleep the entire day away. I don’t know why I don’t turn it off. It’s a jab in the chest. Like I don’t think about him enough. I don’t need an alarm to bring him to mind.
It’s been over two weeks since I saw him, since he questioned my loyalty and accused me of countless things I’m not capable of. On the two Monday nights since I last saw him, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering whether Leo’s still part of the inner circle, trying to squeeze past Fort’s high walls.
Or are those walls Bennett’s?
Both, maybe.
It’s Tuesday lunchtime now, and I can’t help but be curious about what happened last night.
My head is always so full of Fort and Leo and Bennett and Bennett and Bennett.
I hate him, and I don’t, but I still absolutely miss him like crazy. I’m pissed off and frustrated that a friend of his is still getting away with what he’s doing. I have so many questions. About Leo. About Fort. About Bennett. How long will it be until I stop rehearsing the list over and over in my head?
How long will it be before I have peace?
Maybe Eira was right and I should have gotten on a plane back to London weeks ago.
Even if he didn’t want to listen to me, I wish Bennett had listened to Tristan or Aarvi. I’m sure his team could reassure him of Tristan’s credentials.
I bring up Telegram on my phone and scan through the limited texts I had with Tristan. I type out a message, asking him for one last favor. Could he check in on Bennett? I tell him I’ll pay anything that’s required. First, it will prove to Bennett I’m not involved, and more importantly, Bennett will get resolution on who’s trying to get into Fort’s systems if he hasn’t already.
As I stuff my phone back in my apron pocket, it buzzes.
Tristan’s replied right away.
All sorted. Spoken to all involved and everything’s resolved.
As fast as I can, I type out a reply asking for clarification, but despite staring at the phone for at least ten minutes, Tristan doesn’t reply.
I pull out my book and try to read, all the while listening for another buzz, telling me Tristan’s replied.
As I’m reading, the lightwell goes dark, as if someone’s covered it from the sky with a great big blanket. Splatters of rain create darkened circles on the concrete floor of the lightwell.
The rain reminds me urgently of home. Ironically, these darkened skies lighten my heart. I stuff my book back in my bag and race to the staff entrance to feel the water on my face. If I could transport myself back to London with a click of my fingers right now, that’s exactly what I’d do.
I burst out of the fire exit doors, away from the heat of the air-conditioning units that flank the exit, and head to the street.
I stand in my uniform on the pavement and tip my face up to the sky, enjoying the way the water lands on my face. It gives short relief to the intense heat of the middle of the day. What I give up in refreshment of air-conditioning, I get back in the feeling of home.
What am I doing in New York? I’m sure if I talk to Gretel, she’ll understand I can’t stay any longer. I’ll find her at the end of my shift and tell her I need to resign. I’ve worked hard this summer and now I need to be back with my family, around people who have known me forever and loved me longer than that.
“Hey,” a familiar voice says.
I open my eyes and reflexively take a step back. It’s like the rain sent a mirage or something.
Bennett.
He’s exactly who I’m not expecting to see.
He looks good. Tired. But he’s had a haircut, and despite the heat, he’s still wearing a full suit.
I’m not sorry. If this is the last image of him that I have, I’m glad he’s in a suit. It’s Bennett at Bennett’s best.
I act like I haven’t just been caught collecting raindrops on my face. “Hey,” I reply.
Our gazes lock, and for a second, we’re transported back to the lake, skimming stones and toasting marshmallows while debating the sense of chopping wood in lingerie. And then I remember the things he accused me of, and the doubt he had about me. My gaze falls to the ground.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and I look up. “I should never have doubted you.” His tone sounds genuine, but it also sounds like we had an argument last night.
It’s been two weeks.
What took him so long to realize he fucked up?
“No,” I say simply. “You shouldn’t have.” I glance back to the staff gate. I should probably get back inside. I’m not meant to be wearing my uniform on the street.
“It wasn’t Leo,” he says.
My gaze slices to his and I just roll my eyes. Why is he here? If he still doesn’t believe me, he should just keep that to himself from now on. I’ve heard enough.
“I’m serious,” he continues. “Aarvi and her team figured it out. It was Nadia. She was making it look like Leo to cover her tracks.”
“Nadia?” I ask. And things start to slot into place. It makes much more sense for it to be an outsider than one of Bennett’s closest friends. He’s so careful and cautious about the people he surrounds himself with. They are more like brothers than friends. It was as if they had surrounded themselves with an invisible ring of steel that nothing could permeate. It makes much more sense that Bennett got that right.
I sigh, breathing out some of the frustration that’s been building over the last two weeks. “That’s good.” I pause. “For you. I mean, it’s good that Leo is who you thought he was.”
Bennett nods and pushes his hands into his pockets. “I should have trusted you.”
“Yeah, well, I was wrong about Leo.”
“But you had my best interests at heart.”
I let out a sour laugh. “Yeah, I did.”
“I’m not good at trusting people.”
“Really?” I ask, tone mocking. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“Can I make it up to you?”
“How?” I ask.
“Maybe I can come over tonight? Or we can have dinner. We could go to my club?”
A wave of fatigue washes over me. “And we can hide out from the world?”
He narrows his eyes in confusion.
“Bennett, I’m happy you’ve discovered that I wasn’t your hacker and that Leo wasn’t either. I’m glad you’ve found who’s done it. And I’m pleased to see you. I’ve missed you…” I look away because it’s too intense. “I’ve missed you too much. But this is done.”
“Done?” he asks. “So you don’t forgive me?” He sighs. “I understand. But I’ll make it up to you. I’m too used to people with nefarious intentions. I’m sorry you got caught up in my issues with that.”
“I do forgive you,” I reply. “I forgive you, but it doesn’t mean we get to restart what we had.”
I’m not sure what I’m saying. I thought it was my anger at him distrusting me that would keep us apart if he ever came back. But I truly forgive him. I’m not angry anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t think badly of me. I can walk away in peace.
He searches my face like he’s looking for clues.
I get it. It’s not fair. I’ve not just changed the goalposts on him. I’ve changed the game.
I’m in love with the man in front of me. And that means I have to walk away. Because if he comes any closer, I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to leave. And I know I should.
I can’t have a life where I’m hiding out, not going to dinner, not enjoying our life together out in the open. I want to be able to complain to my sister and whoever’s around me about my man. I want to be able to tell people where my boyfriend works and what he does for a living.
I don’t want to be treading on lies everywhere I stand.
“I care about you,” I continue. “But maybe it was for the best that things ended when they did.”
“So you don’t forgive me, then?” He sounds confused and frustrated.
“You called me a liar once already. How did that work out for you?” I ask him. The rain has stopped now, and I can almost see the steam come up from the streets as the sun sucks up the rain, storing it, waiting for the next storm. The water cycle up close and personal. I don’t want to be caught in a cycle of wanting something different from what Bennett’s offering and getting frustrated when he can’t give me more.
“I don’t get it,” he says. “If you forgive me, then…”
“Then what? That’s exactly where my mind went too. Then what? So you come over tonight, so we slip back into the easiness between us. And then what?”
I search his face. If he has answers, I’ll take them. If there’s a way of clearing the path in front of us, I want to hear it.
“Then I go back to London—that’s a huge elephant in the room. But let’s jump over that one. Say I don’t go back. Say I stay. And I’m in New York, then what? Who do I tell my sister I’m staying in New York for? Are you Bennett Fordham or Ben Fort or another alias? And where do you work and who was your mother?”
His eyes are filled with confusion.
“I won’t live with lies and half-truths. I don’t want to conceal and hide. Life is complicated enough. I’m only twenty-one, and my life has been filled with bumps and bends and… I like simple. I like the truth. And as much as I like you… as much as I care, I don’t want to get into this any deeper when I know there will be a time when I have to say goodbye. The last two weeks have been difficult enough.”
It’s almost impossible to be so close to him, yet not be able to touch him. For me not to feel his hand in my hair and his lips on my forehead. I want to drink in the scent that permeates every jacket he wears.
But I have to be strong.
I can’t live the life with Bennett that he requires. I can’t live a life of lies.
“So the problem isn’t Leo, and me not trusting you?—”
Our gazes lock. I will him to understand what I’m about to tell him. “I told you I forgive you and I mean it. You made a mistake. We haven’t known each other long. I know who you are.” I place my palm over his chest and I’m seconds away from melting into his heat. His hardness. “You’re a good man. I know it’s difficult for you to trust people. I’m telling you I understand, and I forgive you. I’m not making you pay a penance. I’m trying to save both of us… save myself from more pain down the road.”
There’s a huge non-negotiable boulder in the middle of our road together. Better that we know now than continue to speed along and crash headfirst later on.
“So that’s it?” he says. “Your mind is made up?”
“It’s not about me making up my mind. The evidence is all laid out—we’ve collected all the data. You have non-negotiables in your world. I have them in mine. And they don’t mesh.”
Sadness cloaks his face, and I wish I had the power to wash it away. I hate to see him hurting, but I can’t live by his rules. I wish I could.
“What can I do?” he asks.
I give a small shake of my head. “There’s nothing to be done.”
He closes his eyes as if he’s trying to shut out the pain. Even though it hurts that he hurts, there’s comfort in knowing he cares. That whatever we had between us was mutual.
“I’m going to miss you,” I say.
He opens his eyes and his expression is pleading. But I know I can’t soothe him. Not without losing everything that’s important to me.
The alarm on my phone sounds. Lunchtime is over.
“I have to go,” I say, and my voice breaks.
I take him in, one last vision I’ll always treasure—my first love. And I turn and leave.