ALICIA
Tears fall down my cheeks. “I can’t. He’ll hate me.”
“Well, you can’t just keep avoiding him forever. You’ve got to go back to work at some point, and well, it won’t be long until you start showing.”
Knowing this makes the tears fall harder. I know Jackie is right, but I just can’t face Ryan right now. Not when I know the news, I have to tell him will destroy everything we’ve built together the last few weeks.
He won’t want to be with me once he knows I’m pregnant. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’ll insist I terminate the pregnancy. And yeah, maybe I should. I already have five siblings to look after, we don’t need another mouth to feed. But I can’t. I want the baby.
I thought I was on the verge of getting everything I always wanted -- the dream job, the gorgeous boyfriend, and then I took that damn pregnancy test. I only did it to ease my mind, I didn’t really expect it to be positive.
But it was, and I even saw my doctor to confirm it.
Turns out, detox teas -- like the one I brought from Jackie -- affect the effectiveness of the pill and well, I got pregnant.
From the doctor’s estimate I’m six weeks along, which puts conception at the wedding - the first time Ryan and I had sex.
“How do you know Ryan won’t want to be involved?” Jackie asks.
Since taking time off work with a fake sickness, I’ve filled my sister in on everything and she’s really surprised me with her support. She’s been taking care of our brothers and sister more so there’s less for me to do and making sure I eat properly.
I sigh. “I don’t, but well, he isn't always the easiest to get along with and we’ve only just gotten together. No one even knows about the two of us yet. Then there’s the new restaurant. It’s a lot to juggle without adding a new baby to the mix. What if he says it’s too much, too soon?”
“You won’t know until you speak to him, ‘Alicia. He might surprise you.”
“Yeah, or he might break my heart,” I reply, imagining Ryan rejecting me and our child. Worse still, what if he fires me over this?
“Either way, you need to go back to work. He seemed really worried about you. He asked if you’d seen a doctor.”
My heart sinks. I hadn’t expected Ryan to be so concerned. But then, that’s natural. He’s expecting me to spearhead the new restaurant. He must be worried he’s going to lose his new head chef or something.
“Yeah, I know. I’ll call Antony in a bit and let him know I’ll be in tomorrow as usual.”
“And you’ll speak to Ryan while you’re there, right?” Jackie asks.
“I can’t just go running up to him on my break and tell him I’m pregnant, can I?”
“No, but you can tell him you need to speak to him. Invite him over after work, or I’ll look after the kids so you two can go someplace alone and sort all this out.”
I huff out a breath. I know Jackie is right, and I can’t keep Ryan in the dark forever, but I just wanted to put it off for a while longer, because I worry the next time, I see him could possibly be the last. And even if I do keep my job, I can’t see our relationship surviving.
The following day, I go back to work, and like the coward I am, I continue avoiding Ryan. If I just keep busy, this will all go away, right?
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Antony says, as we stand together in the kitchen, prepping for lunch service. “We were all worried about you.”
“Thanks. I’m glad to be back,” I say, and it’s true. Despite my worries about Ryan and the pregnancy, it really is good to be back in the kitchen doing what I’m passionate about.
“I know Ryan is especially pleased to have you back. He’s eager to discuss plans for the restaurant. You know he’s already contacted some local contractors and come up with pages of ideas for the restaurant. You’ll need to have a meeting with him soon.”
Guilt stabs my heart. I hadn’t realized Ryan was taking the new restaurant this seriously, and because of me, he’s had to put his plans on hold. How will those plans need to change if I’m going to be on maternity leave in nine months?
I start feeling sick again, this time because of anxiety, rather than morning sickness, but I fight the feeling. If Antony sees me running off to the restroom, he’ll send me home, and now I’ve worked up the courage to be here, I can’t go back. I just have to power through.
Forcing a smile on my face, I say, “I’ll speak to him as soon as I can.”
Antony seems happy with my response and doesn’t push me anymore. But I’m not so lucky with Ryan. I’m just finishing lunch service, when he steps into the kitchen.
“Hey, Alicia, are you busy? I wanted to discuss the plans for the new restaurant if you’ve got time?” he says, but his gaze tells me that’s not all he wants to talk about.
I glance helplessly at Antony, but because he doesn’t know the awkward position I’m in, he says, “I’m fine on my own for a while. Just make sure you’re back in time for prepping for dinner service.”
“Why don’t we grab some lunch and take it up to my office?” Ryan suggests, and I have no choice but to go along with it.
Once we’re alone, Ryan pulls me into his arms. “I was really worried about you,” he says, pressing his lips to mine.
Part of me wants to melt into the kiss. It feels so good being back with him, like the last week never happened. But, at the back of my mind is the fear of what’s going to happen when I tell him I’m pregnant.
Ryan must sense something is wrong, because he breaks the kiss and gazes down into my eyes. “What’s wrong? Whatever it is, Alicia, you can tell me.”
I want to. I really do but fear holds me back and instead I say. “Nothing is wrong. Come on, let's eat and you can tell me your plans for the restaurant. Ant mentioned you made pages of notes.”
That seems enough to appease Ryan, and we settle at his desk, enjoying the delicious beet and pomelo salad, with tatsoi, togarashi peanuts, and miso-sesame dressing.
As we eat, I go through his notes, and I’m amazed.
Sure, the menu needs some work, but I know Ryan isn’t a chef, so he doesn’t understand the intricacies of these things.
But everything else is amazing. The location, the suggested layout, and the decor in has in mind.
It’s all perfect. The plans Ryan has are for a beach front restaurant with a much more laid back feel than the main restaurant here in the heart of the resort, with a focus on both fresh seafood and cocktails, so it appeals to people just coming off the beach, or those looking to start an exciting night out.
“This is really good,” I say with a grin.
“It’s not too much of a change from what we offer already?”
“It is, but that’s exactly the idea, right? I mean, what’s the point of offering more of the same. This gives guests something new and exciting. It’s bound to get people talking.”
Ryan smiles proudly. “I know the menu needs work, of course. But that’s your forte. I’m sure between us, we can create something amazing.”
I want to tell him we already did, but instead just nod.
“So, do you want to make a meeting with Paul Haywood in HR and get the contract all signed?”
Shit. I’d forgotten all about the contract. Am I in breach of it if I don’t tell him about the pregnancy yet? I open my mouth, then close it again. Ryan frowns, and I realize I have to say something or he’s going to get suspicious. “Yes, I’ll give him a call on my break.”
“Great. I was thinking we could spend some time together after dinner service. I understand if you can’t spend the night again, but I’ve really missed you, Alicia.”
My heart aches. I’ve missed him too. So badly. And I’d love to spend the night with him, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next hour with Ryan, let alone a night together in the penthouse.
Tell him! A voice in the back of my mind screams, but I can’t bring myself to. The moment I do, everything changes.
“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” Ryan asks when I don’t respond.
“Yeah, I … erm … I’m just still not feeling a hundred percent. I’d love to spend some time with you after dinner service, but I think it’s probably best if I go home and have an early night.”
Concern fills Ryan’s eyes. “Are you sure you’re well enough to be here? When I visited yesterday, Jackie told me your doctor said you should stay in bed and rest.”
“Yeah, it’s fine. He gave me all clear.” It’s all lies. I have seen the doctor to confirm the pregnancy, and while he did advise me of the importance of eating well and getting plenty of rest, he said nothing about me taking time off work.
Ryan leans across the table and presses his lips to mine. “Okay. Just tell me if you start feeling unwell and need to go home early or anything.”
“Thanks, I will,” I reply, hating I haven't got the courage to tell him the truth. Ryan is being so sweet and understanding, and part of me wonders does that mean he’ll be understanding about the baby too?
But me having to give up work in nine months -- even if it’s only for a short time -- changes everything.
Nine months is right when Ryan hopes to have the new restaurant open.
I can’t just leave to have a kid before we even get started.
I know Ryan will make me choose -- the baby, or him and the new restaurant. I can’t see any way I can have it all.
Tears start filling my eyes, and before Ryan notices anything is wrong, I say, “I should really get back to the kitchen and help Antony prepare for dinner service. But I do want to see you after my shift. Shall I come up when I’m done?”
“That would be good. It’s been too long since I held you in my arms and kissed you properly. Even if you can’t spend the night, it would be nice to spend some time together.”
“It would,” I say, knowing I must tell him the truth tonight. There’s no way I can accept the contract, or have Ryan hold me in his arms, have his lips on mine, knowing all this could come crashing down around me at any minute.
Before my tears have a chance to fall, I grab our plates and hurry to the door. “I’ll see you later.”
Instead of keeping my mind busy, dinner service becomes a countdown to my doom, and I can’t help but watch the clock.
Five hours until my world falls apart … three hours until my world falls apart … one hour …
“I demand to see the manager,” a woman screeches from the doorway to the kitchen, where Antony stands, trying to placidate an irate customer.
I approach the woman, hoping I can back Ant up and defuse the situation. “What’s the problem Ma’am? I’m sure if you just explain the situation, we can have everything sorted out.”
“The problem is you served me raw beef,” she says, jabbing me in the chest with her finger. “You’re the famous Alicia Hughes everyone is talking about, aren’t you? Well, I hate to break it to you, hon, but you’re not nearly as good as your reputation makes out.”
I blink, feeling my eyes fill with tears.
“Ma’am, this is all just a misunderstanding, I’m sure,” Antony says, but the customer won’t have any of it.
“Either you write off the bill for this atrocious meal, or I’m going to the tabloids. I’m sure the East Hampton Herald would love my first-hand account of the terrible food and service here.”
The commotion in the doorway to the kitchen has gotten so loud that other guests are looking over and whispering to each other, and then, to make matters worse, Ryan approaches.
“What’s the problem here?” he asks in a calming tone.
“The problem is her!” the customer says, pointing at me. “She gave me uncooked beef. I want her fired!”
Ryan glances at me. “Alicia, is this true?”
I hang my head in shame. “I’m sorry, it must have slipped past without me noticing. But I can have the customer’s order re-fired straight away--”
“I don’t want it re-fired. I want you fired, and I want my bill written off. If you don’t, I’m going to the East Hampton Herald.”
“Are you threatening me and my staff?” Ryan demands, his nostrils flaring.
“You chef served me raw meat. I could have died!”
Ryan frowns. “Ma’am, Alicia assures me it was a mistake. No one is perfect, and we’re more than willing to rectify the situation. If we’d all just calm down.”
“I am calm!” the woman yells. “I want her gone!”
“You won’t force me to fire my staff for a mere accident. Alicia is a remarkable chef, this was just a mistake.”
“You’ll regret choosing her overpaying customers when I go to the Herald and ruin your reputation!” the woman rages, before storming out of the restaurant without paying her bill.
“My apologies,” Ryan calls to the guests in the dining room. “Free desserts for everyone here to apologize for the commotion.”
The guests start murmuring, and Ryan ushers me and Antony back into the kitchen. Once we’re behind closed doors, he huffs out a breath.
“Fuck, that woman was insane.”
Unable to hold the tears back any longer, I begin crying, and Ryan quickly wraps his arms around me. “Hey. Hey. You don’t need to be so upset. Yeah, she was a nightmare, but no one is going to take much notice of one mouthy woman. Even if she does go to the Herald, I’m sure this will all be fine.”
“It’s not fine. Not when I’m pregnant,” I sniffle.