ANTONY
My conversation with Jason, and the real reason I pushed Erin away is still on my mind a few days later when I invite Ryan, Sebastian, and Joshua over for dinner.
The twins are excited to see their uncles, though a little disappointed that Alicia and her siblings aren’t joining us too.
They’ve grown quite fond of Alicia’s youngest sister Evie, who is about six months older than they are.
I idly wonder if May were still with us, would we have tried for another child?
It’s not something we ever got the chance to discuss but thinking how the twins adore Evie makes me certain they’d love a sibling someday.
Sebastian and Joshua offer to read the twins a bedtime story, and I can hear lots of giggles from the bedroom as I head downstairs and to the kitchen, where Ryan is loading the dishwasher.
He looks up at me, smiles and says, “Don’t get used to it.”
I laugh. “I’d never dream of it.”
“I’m just being nice because I’m so happy to see you and the twins getting back on the right track. You had us all worried, you know.”
Ryan slides the last plate into the dishwasher, and the two of us settle at the breakfast bar with a cup of espresso each.
“We’re doing better than we were. Jason even thinks the twins might be ready to return to school soon. Though of course, he wants to keep seeing them regularly.”
“Speaking to him is helping then?”
“Yeah, it really is.” I take a sip of my espresso, even though it’s still slightly too hot, to give myself a moment to think.
I know bottling up things is what led to this situation in the first place, but I still find it hard opening up to my brother.
“He asked me to think why I never told anyone about me and Erin.”
“You told me and Alicia,” Ryan says.
“No, you guessed. I’d never have said anything if you hadn’t figured it out, and I only told Sebastian, Joshua and Tucker because I needed help with the twins. If I could have, I would have kept it a secret forever.”
We pause for a moment, as Sebastian and Joshua enter the kitchen.
Sebastian smiles as he says, “They’re both sound asleep. I don’t know where those kids get their brains from but it certainly isn’t you.”
I chuckle. “No, that’s all May.”
Joshua offers me a curious glance and then smiles. “It’s good to hear you speaking about her again. The twins mentioned you’ve been telling them about their mom. I think that’s a good thing.”
I make my brothers their own cups of espresso and they join Ryan and I at the breakfast bar.
“It is a good thing. I feel terrible for keeping things from them for so long; they deserve to know what an amazing woman May was.”
“She was,” Ryan agrees, and raises his cup. “To May, whom we all miss terribly.”
“To May,” my brothers and I say, clinking our cups together.
“Talking more about May isn’t the only thing I’ve learned through therapy. Jason made me question why I kept mine and Erin’s relationship secret, and I finally started to understand it. I’m scared. I’m scared to fall in love with anyone, like I did May, in case something terrible happens.”
Sebastian nods knowingly. “I know it’s not the same, but sometimes I feel like I’ll never love anyone like I loved Lana. I still think about her every day, and it’s been almost five years.”
“I never thought I’d fall in love again after May, so I didn’t even notice when love crept up on me … but I see now, I loved Erin … no, wait. I love Erin and there’s nothing I regret more than letting her leave. I should have fought harder.”
“There’s still time,” Joshua insists.
Instead of answering, I turn to Ryan. “You’ve stayed pretty quiet in all this. What are your thoughts? Do you think I’m making a mistake?”
Ryan shakes his head. “I know before I said I didn’t think Erin was right for you, but well, I’ve had time to reconsider that.
And by reconsider, I mean Alicia helped me see things from a different perspective.
She pointed out how she and I made similar mistakes.
That’s one problem with all us brothers, we’re too much the same in our stubbornness, and refusal to open up about our feelings. ”
Joshua and Sebastian chuckle uneasily. He’s right, but I don’t think any of us are ready to fully tackle that issue just yet.
“I should have been honest about my feelings from the beginning,” I admit.
“It’s not too late,” Joshua says again. “Call her. Tell her how you feel.”
“Yeah, I will.”
-----
Despite what I say to my brothers, I don’t try to call Erin straight away, because, well, I’m a coward.
The twins are finally getting back to normal, and Jason has said they can return to school.
Our therapy sessions with him are going well, as are my individual sessions.
I don’t want to do anything to disturb the calm we’re regaining.
But, at the back of my mind, I know, the longer I leave it, the more chance there is that Erin will grow to resent me. Or worse, meet someone new.
A few days later, it feels like I’ve been given a sign from above, when, near the end of lunch services, one of the waitstaff comes into the kitchen saying there’s a customer who’d like to speak to me.
Customers wanting to speak to the chef is nothing new, and I’m certainly used to it, so I make my way into the dining room.
I’m shocked when I see the customer in question is Erin’s friend, Tina, whom I recognise as having visited the house before.
“Hey, are you busy?” she asks.
“Service is almost finished, so I can spare a little time. What, what’s wrong?”
“It’s about Erin. You might want to sit down to hear this.”
I drop into the seat opposite Tina, my heart pounding. What’s happened? Am I too late and I’ve lost Erin forever?
“What is it? Is she okay?”
“Don’t worry, she hasn’t been in an accident or anything like that. But honestly, she’s not in a good place. Her new boss fired her.”
“What? Why? Erin is an excellent worker.”
“Yes, but from what she tells me he’s a grade A asshole. It’s more than just that though, she fell asleep while on duty and the dinner burned.”
I frown. “That doesn’t sound like Erin at all. She’s too responsible to let something like that happen. What’s going on?”
“She’s pregnant,” Tina says, and I feel the color drain from my body.
“Pregnant? How? When?”
Tina laughs uneasily and shakes her head. “What do you think?”
My eyes grow wide. “It’s mine.”
“Of course, it’s yours,” Tina says hotly. “Erin isn’t the type to sleep around.”
I blink. “I know, of course, but we were always so careful.”
“Not careful enough,” Tina says. “That’s beside the point. The point is, Erin isn’t in a good place. The asshole in New York fired her even though it was really his fault--”
I raise a questioning brow, but Tina shakes her head. “That’s not important now, either. She’s only got limited savings left, and the job market is terrible. I said she should come back, but she’s too scared to because she thinks you don’t want her and won’t want the baby.”
Hearing this breaks my heart. “That’s why she left, isn’t it?”
“Yes. You broke her heart, and if you don’t want to regret it for the rest of your life, I suggest you fix things. Quickly.”
“I will. I swear. Give me her address, and I’ll get to her as quickly as I can.”
Tina gives me a satisfied smile and then takes a piece of paper out of her purse. As she slides it across the table to me, I see it’s for an apartment complex in Inwood, Manhattan.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Just don’t mess this up, yeah? Because I swear, if you hurt her, I’ll hunt you down and make you sorry you did.”
Even though Tina is only about five and a half feet compared to my six feet, I take her threat seriously. I would promise the same to anyone who might hurt my children, or brothers, and I know Erin and Tina are practically sisters.
When Tina leaves, I race back into the kitchen and help Dale clean up. As we close the kitchen I say, “I’m really sorry, but I need to leave you again. I swear, this is the last time.”
Rather than being annoyed, Dale only looks worried. “Are the twins, okay?”
“Yes, they’re fine. The customer who wanted to see me was Erin’s friend, and well, I need to find Erin. Now.”
Dale smiles. “Go get your woman, boss! I’ll hold the forte here.”
“Thank you, my friend. I truly appreciate it.”
Leaving the restaurant in Dale’s capable hands, I head up to Ryan’s office to fill him in on what’s going on. Like with Dale, I don’t mention the pregnancy. I’m still trying to process how I feel about it.
Once Ryan is up to speed on the situation, I go home to arrange a flight to New York, and ask Auli'i if she’s able to spend the night to look after the twins.
Thankfully, as I was scheduled to be at the restaurant until at least 1:00 am anyway, it’s not an issue for her.
I just hope I’m able to bring Erin home before the twins wake the following morning.
Before leaving for the airport, there’s one final thing I do. I open my bedside drawer, where I moved the Tiffany’s bracelet to when Auli'i became the twins’ new nanny and take out the jewelry box. I slip it into my pocket along with my wallet and ID.
Finally, everything is set, and I’m flying from the Hamptons to New York, and it’s in that quiet time alone that the realization finally hits me.
Erin is pregnant.
I have no idea how many weeks pregnant she is. Did she know when she left for New York? Is that why she left?
Honestly, I don’t blame her -- I treated her terribly, and she had to be scared how I was going to react. But part of me is still hurt that she kept it from me. Yes, I wasn’t open and honest with her, but neither was she.
We both have an issue with communication we’ll need to work through if we want to make this work.
And I want to make this work.
More than anything.
I was already prepared to track Erin down, admit how wrong I was and beg her for a second chance before Tina visited me at the restaurant, and knowing Erin is carrying my child blows my mind.
I can’t believe I almost lost this chance to be a father again.
That I almost lost this second chance at love.
Once I land in LaGuardia airport -- thankful I have no bags to wait for.
I didn’t even think to pack an overnight bag just in case.
The only thing I brought with me is Erin’s bracelet -- I race through checkout, and then outside to the parking lot to find a cab.
As expected, there are a number waiting around for people leaving the airport, and I hail one quickly then give them Erin’s address.
My heart pounds as we drive across the city, and I think about what I should say. I feel for the jewelry box inside my jacket, and hope the right words come to me when Erin opens the door.
Someone is leaving the apartment block as I arrive, and I’m glad I don’t have to ring the intercom. A small part of me worries that if I did, Erin wouldn’t let me in. At least face-to-face, I can apologize and tell her how much she means to me.
I take a deep breath and knock on the door.
No one answers.
I glance at my watch -- it’s only three p.m., and given Tina told me Erin was fired from her job, I can’t imagine where else she could be.
I knock louder, and after a moment, I hear her call out, “All right. Hold on, hold on. I’m coming!”
I suppress a chuckle, imagining she fell asleep on the couch, and the disturbance woke her up. When the door opens a moment later, her disheveled hair and the fact she’s still in pyjamas confirms my theory.
“Antony?” she asks, her brows drawing together. She gazes at me like she’s trying to work out if she’s still dreaming.