ANTONY
After the incident at school, the twins start therapy, and it soon becomes clear they both have abandonment issues. Not surprising really, given all that’s happened to them in their short lives.
Together with the therapist, Jason, we talk through the grief of losing their mom. At first, it feels weird speaking about May, but as more time passes, it gets easier. Soon, I’m sharing old photos and memories with Elizabeth and Aaron, and we visit her grave regularly.
They still have a lot of pain to work through, but at least, as far as their mother is concerned things are getting better. I suppose because they were so young when we lost her.
Losing Erin is a whole other battle though. She was in their lives since they were nine months old, and even though she was their nanny, through therapy it soon becomes apparent they saw her as much, much more.
“And there’s no chance of her returning, or you two reconciling?” Jason asks after one of our sessions.
“I can certainly get in touch and see if she’d be willing to visit the twins or something. But it’s down to her really, and after the way we left things…” I trail off.
“Yes, I want to talk to you about that, but obviously not with Elizabeth and Aaron here. Would you be willing to schedule some one-on-one sessions with me?”
“If you think it will help, then yes, of course.”
“I do. I think it could help you be a better parent, but not just that, it will help you as a person. You need to take care of yourself, too, Antony.”
“Everyone keeps saying that” I reply, thinking of Auli'i’s words to me a few days previously.
“That’s because it’s important. You can't be a good father, or chef, or anything else, while you’re carrying all this weight around with you.”
Knowing Jason is right and knowing there are plenty of people I can rely on to look after the twins while I get therapy, I make an appointment with Jason for a few days' time.
When we leave Jason’s office, I take Aaron and Elizabeth to the park. We always try to do something fun after therapy sessions, to reward them for talking about difficult feelings. Things with the twins aren’t back to how they were before Erin left, but I am seeing improvements.
As they’re playing, a slightly older boy approaches Aaron and Elizabeth and starts being rude to them. I feel myself tense up, waiting for Aaron to start crying, or Elizabeth to attack or something.
Instead, my daughter stares down the annoying boy and says, “Leave us alone, please.”
When the boy doesn’t leave, but instead starts kicking dirt in their direction, Aaron stands up. He walks over to the boy and says, “My sister asked you to leave us alone. If you don’t, I will tell my dad about you, and he will tell your parents.”
Aaron glances back at me, and I nod, making sure the annoying boy knows I’m right there. Realizing he will get in trouble if he keeps acting out, the boy moves to a different area of the playground and leaves the twins alone.
I allow myself a small, proud smile.
----
A few days later, I have my first one-on-one session with Jason, while Auli'i looks after Aaron and Elizabeth. Afterwards, I have plans to meet up with Tucker, who is back in town before heading down to Florida for another contest -- though my other brothers and I secretly wonder if it’s because there’s a university break coming up, and he wants to be around all the young, attractive female students enjoying the beaches during their time off.
Whatever is going on in Tucker’s mind, I decide to keep out of it. I don’t need more drama in my life.
Once I’m settled in Jason’s office, he glances across at me and asks, “So, what really happened between you and Erin? I sense there’s more going on than what you said in front of the twins.”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to speak in front of Elizabeth and Aaron, but Erin and I were sleeping together,” I confess.
Getting straight to the point, Jason asks, “Was it just sex? Or was it something more?”
His question stumps me … it was more than just sex, at least for me, but I can’t put into words what it meant to me. “As far as I was concerned it wasn’t a fling, but I wanted to take things slow and keep it secret.”
“Why was that?”
“I didn’t want to give Aaron and Elizabeth any false hopes, in case things with Erin and I didn’t work out. I guess I was right.”
“Why? What happened when Erin ended things and moved away?”
“We had a fight. I’d agreed to go on a date arranged by one of my colleagues, and Erin didn’t like it. I came home to apologize. I realized agreeing to the date was wrong, but before I could say anything, Erin told me she was leaving.”
I tell Jason everything. How Erin had supported my insistence we wait to tell Aaron and Elizabeth about us being together, but that she didn’t like that I kept it from my brothers and co-workers, or that I allowed Dale to set me up on a date.
I also tell Jason how Erin said she was moving away because her new job was better paid, and that our relationship was just a fling to her.
Jason is quiet for some time, before finally asking, “Is it possible Erin lied when she said it was just a fling for her?”
My eyes widened. “Why would she do that?”
Jason shakes his head and chuckles lightly.
“Isn’t it obvious? From everything you told me, I think she genuinely liked you.
It’s obvious she adores the twins. She doesn’t sound like the type of person to have a fling with her boss, and then quit when things don’t work out.
I could be wrong, as I’m basing all this on what you’ve told me, but to me Erin’s actions are those of a woman who loved you and felt rejected. ”
“But … I … why didn’t she tell me? She said she understood about not telling Aaron and Elizabeth straight away--”
“Yes, but it wasn’t just that, was it? You continued dating other women and didn’t tell anyone about your relationship with Erin. Can’t you see, from her point of view, that was a rejection.”
I bow my head. “I really messed up, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but it’s not too late to fix it,” Jason says, offering me a small smile.
“It isn’t? How do I do that?”
“A good first step would be working out why you agreed to date other women, and why you were so reluctant to tell people you and Erin were together.”
“I told you, I didn’t want the twins getting their hopes up. And then there was the whole scandal with Daniel Goldman having an affair with his secretary. I was worried about what people in town would think.”
Jason raises a brow. “You were thinking of announcing it to the whole town? Why not just tell your brothers, and close friends? They wouldn’t have gossiped.
And even if others did find out, you and Erin weren’t doing anything wrong -- not like Daniel Goldman was.
And that still doesn’t explain why you agreed to be set up on a date by your colleague. ”
“You don’t know Dale. He doesn’t take no for an answer. He would have kept asking about it, and I didn’t want him finding out about me and Erin.”
Again, Jason asks, “Why?” and once again, I can’t find a good answer. It’s not like Dale would have run off to tell the whole town Erin and I were together or something.
“I think there’s another reason why you never wanted to make your relationship with Erin public, and between now and our next session, I want you to think long and hard about what that reason could be,” Jason says.
I’ve leave Jason’s office thinking about what he said, and I’m still distracted when I meet Tucker for lunch.
My younger brother is in high spirits. He won his contest in Southampton and is looking forward to his time in Florida.
But, despite his usual self-absorption, Tucker surprises me when he asks, “How are Elizabeth and Aaron? Josh mentioned there was an incident at school. When I’m back from Florida, I can take them to the beach for the day if you need a break.”
I’m genuinely touched. Despite how self-centred my brother can be at times, I know he loves his niece and nephew, and would do anything for them.
“Things are getting better since they started therapy,” I say, then admit. “I started seeing the therapist myself, actually. He had some interesting insights.”
“Oh yeah?” Tucker raises an eyebrow.
I’m caught a little off guard by my youngest brother being so willing to talk about feelings and such but figure it’s best not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Plus, it would be good to get some insight from someone further removed from the situation.
“He told me to think about the real reason I didn’t want to go public about mine and Erin’s relationship, and why I was willing to have colleagues set me up on a date.”
“He has a point. You never were much of a player. I remember you and May together -- you were the perfect couple.”
I can’t help but laugh. “I thought you hated May.”
“Dude, I was a teenager when you two got together. I hated everyone. But nah, you and May had a good thing. And I know losing her was hard on you and the twins, but with Erin you could have had a second chance. Why throw it all away?”
Why indeed, I ask myself.
“Tell me about your plans for when you’re in Florida,” I say, quickly changing the subject.
Tucker opens his mouth, then closes it again quickly. He frowns, studying my face, but when I remain silent the frown fades and is replaced by a grin. Though weirdly, the grin seems forced.
I don’t get a chance to question my brother about it before he launches into a detailed description of his plans.
There’s more talk about the parties he wants to attend, and the bars he plans on visiting, than the actual surfing contest, but then, that’s Tucker for you.
I just appreciate the fact I have something less intense to focus on and listen with relish as my brother talks about what he hopes to do in Florida.
“Good luck with everything and behave yourself,” I say to Tucker as we cross the parking lot after lunch.
“Don’t I always?” my youngest brother replies, leaning up against his motorbike with a smirk.
I shake my head and get into my car. Trouble follows that boy wherever he goes.
-----
When I get home, Elizabeth and Aaron are happily playing with Auli'i. I smile and join them on the floor for a game of snakes and ladders.
Auli'i has dinner prepared for us, and after I serve it up, I say to my nanny, “You can leave early again if you like. Things here are pretty calm.”
“Are you sure? I can stay to help with the bedtime routine if you’d like?”
“No, thank you, but I’ve got this. I do want to thank you for everything you’ve done for us lately though. Even encouraged me to talk to someone. It really helped.”
Auli'i offers me a bright smile. “I’m glad to hear it, Mr. Braddock.”
After Auli'i leaves, Elizabeth, Aaron and I eat dinner, which is a delicious Hawaiian beef stew that’s tangy and rich with tomato gravy, onions, carrots and potatoes. The beef is perfectly fall-apart tender, and the whole thing is served over sticky rice to create a comforting meal.
I idly think if Auli'i ever wants a change from being a nanny, she’d make an excellent apprentice in my kitchen at work.
-----
Later, when the twins have had their bath, and I’ve read them a bedtime story, I retire to my room with a cup of spiced apple, vanilla, and camomile tea that’s meant to help you sleep.
But despite how relaxed I feel, my brain won’t switch off and I keep thinking about the various conversations I had today.
One question dominates my mind: Why was I so insistent on keeping mine and Erin’s relationship secret?
I’m starting to realize if I’d been more open -- even if I wasn’t ready to tell the twins, at least telling my brothers and colleagues, and refusing to date other women -- Erin would never have left.
It’s like I sabotaged myself and doomed the relationship to failure.
Why? I ask myself.
As much as I hate to admit the answer, it comes quickly and easily: Because I’m scared.
I’m scared to feel anything close to what I felt for May in case fate cruelly snatches that happiness away. And as I realize this, I also realize what I felt for Erin was beginning to match my early feelings for May.
I could have been happy. I could have had a second chance. But I pushed it away.