SEBASTIAN
When Lana leaves the room, I turn to Noah, who has a schoolbook open to show me.
“I won an award for it last week,” he says, smiling shyly.
“Well done. You’re very smart,” I reply, beaming with pride. At his age, I was terrible at Math, but a quick look at the page tells me my son is practically a genius.
God. I still can’t believe this is real. I have a son.
“What else do you have there?” I ask, gesturing to the ball Noah has tucked behind him.
“This is my ball,” Noah says, pulling it out and rolling it across the couch to me. “Do you want to play?”
“Not now, we don’t want to break anything. Maybe later, we can go to the beach or something.”
“Can Mama come?” Noah asks hopefully, and my chest tightens.
“I’m not sure, Noah. Your mom and I--”
“I know you’re mad with her. I was mad at her too. She tells me not to keep secrets or tell lies, and then she does exactly that. But Mary--”
“Who is Mary?” I ask. I don’t know anyone by that name, and as far as I’m aware, Lana hasn’t got any friends called Mary.
“Mary is the lady me and Mama go to talk about our feelings. We used to talk to someone different in New York, but they couldn’t move with us, so Mama found Mary. She's nice though, and after I talk to her, she always gives me a sticker and a lollipop.”
I wonder if Mary is a therapist or something.
I remember Lana mentioning that she’s seeing someone to help her through the trauma her ex caused her.
Well, if Noah is going too, that’s a good thing.
I sometimes wonder how me, and my brothers would have turned out if we’d sought therapy sooner after our parents’ deaths.
There’s never any shame admitting you need help with something, and I'm glad to hear that Lana is making sure to take care of Noah’s mental health.
“Mary said it’s okay for me to be mad at Mama, but that I also have to understand why she didn’t tell me. Mary said Mama didn’t keep the truth from me because she was trying to be mean or hurt me. Mama was just trying to protect me.”
Noah’s words make me think. I’ve been so wrapped up in how Lana keeping Noah hidden affected me, that I hadn’t even considered the effect it had on Noah.
I still don’t fully know what happened in New York with this Theo guy, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
Maybe Lana was just trying to protect Noah from more heartache?
“Mary is right, you shouldn’t be mad at your mom. I know she loves you very much,” I say, hoping that’s enough for Noah for now. “So, what else do you like? Did your Mama tell you I have horses? Have you ever ridden a horse?”
Noah shakes his head. “I haven’t, but I saw you on the beach with your horses. Before I knew you were my dad. I liked your long hair.”
I laugh and ruffle my fingers through Noah’s hair. “I like your hair. It’s lovely, like your Mama’s”
Noah giggles. “I don’t have Mama’s hair. She had dreadlocks, silly. But Mama told me I have Nana Anita’s smile.”
I never knew Lana’s mother, she died in childbirth, but from the photos she showed me in the past, I can see Lana was right. Noah’s smile is very similar to his late grandmother.
I feel a stab in my heart that Noah will never get to know either of his grandparents. Lana’s dad left before she was born, and then her mom died, and I lost my parents when I was twenty.
I wonder what they’d think of Noah. They always liked Lana and were happy when we started dating. I’m sure they’d love their grandson.
“You don’t have your mom’s hair now, but when she was younger, she had exactly the same hair you do.”
“Why did she stop having it?” Noah asks.
I know why Lana started braiding her hair, it was in response to horrible, racist kids at school, but Noah doesn’t need to know that. Not yet at least.
“I’m not sure. You’d have to ask your Mama about it,” I reply, then I try to steer the conversation to safer grounds. “Did your mom tell you about your uncles and cousins?”
Noah’s eyes light up and he grins. “She did. I can’t wait to meet them all. You know one of them is in my class…”
“They are?” I question him. I know Aaron and Elizabeth go to a private school, so I’m not sure who Noah means.
“Yeah, Tommy. He lives with the rich man who owns the hotel, who is my uncle now!”
I laugh as things start to make sense. “That’s right. Your uncle Ryan. Uncle Ryan is having a baby with Alicia, and Alicia has many brothers and sisters. One of them is Tommy, right?”
I didn’t see Tommy the last time I was at Ryan and Alicia’s place, because he was sick with a stomach virus.
Suddenly I remember Lana telling me Monica wasn’t at the gallery opening because she had a stomach virus too.
Now I wonder if that was the truth, or was it really Noah who was sick? I suppose it doesn’t matter now.
“Yeah, Tommy Hughes. He lives with his big sister and the rich man, because his Mama and Papa died.” Noah glances away, and I can feel the sadness radiating from him.
Lana is right, he’s already been through so much.
“It’s okay, Buddy,” I say, reaching out for Noah’s hand.
To my surprise, he leaps into my lap and wraps his arms around my neck. “You won’t go away, will you, Daddy?”
Daddy. The word hits me in the heart like an arrow. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. Being a father is more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.
“Noah, look at me,” I say, gently cupping his chin so our eyes meet. “I will never leave you. No matter what happens, I’m always going to be here for you. You’re my son, and I love you.”
Noah sniffles. “Do you love Mama, too? She said you were her boyfriend. Will you get married and then I’ll have brothers and sisters?”
Hearing Noah's words causes fresh pain to tear at my heart. Once, marrying Lana and having children with her was all I ever wanted … and now? We have a beautiful, smart son. I should be the happiest man alive. In many ways, I am.
But I can’t ignore the fact Lana lied to me for five years.
Now I’ve held Noah in my arms, and heard him call me ‘Dad,’ I know I’d move heaven and earth for my son. But how can I move forward, how can I have a life with Lana, when she betrayed my trust so badly? I can’t reconcile the two in my heart, and that fact makes my heart break.
These past five years, all I ever wanted was for Lana to come back to East Hampton, and the two of us to reconcile. And we did, and it was amazing. More amazing than I could ever have dreamed.
But it was all based on lies. And that’s what I keep coming back to. The lies. The betrayal. The lost time. I don’t know how to forgive that.
“I don’t think so, Buddy. I’m sorry, but I’m still very mad at your mom.”
Fresh tears appear in Noah's eyes. “You don’t love her anymore?”
“I’ll always love her,” I say, and I know it’s the truth. Maybe that’s my destiny. To always love Lana, but never be with her.
“Mary told me if you love someone, you find a way to forgive them,” Noah says, then he climbs out of my lap, and switches on the TV. It gives me whiplash how quickly he changes, and I can’t help but laugh when he asks, “Dad, will you watch Kipo with me?”
“Sure thing, Buddy.”
Noah starts the cartoon, but I don’t really focus on it, and instead get pulled into my thoughts.
What should I do? I ask myself.
In some ways, forgiving Lana would be so easy.
The three of us could be a happy family.
But If I can’t trust her, how do I know that in a year, five years, who knows when, she won’t do something else to betray me.
Losing her once hurt enough. Losing her this second time might shatter my heart forever.
Do I really want to forgive Lana, and run the risk of her breaking my heart for a third time?
I don’t think I could cope with it. I will be the best father I can be to Noah, but to protect my heart, I need to keep my distance from Lana. It’s the only way forward.
I’m snapped out of my thoughts when Lana silently enters the living room. “Are you both okay?”
Noah turns around, a massive smile on his face. “Yeah, me and Dad are watching Kipo. And he said another time, he’ll take me to the beach to play ball, and hey, Dad, could you show me your horses, too? Can I ride one?”
“You bet, Buddy,” I reply. I can’t help but smile back at Noah. His happiness is infectious.
“Sebastian, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?”
“Sure,” I say, standing up from the couch. I know what I need to do now. And I know it’s going to hurt both me and Lana, but it’s the only way I can protect my heart from further damage.
Lana shuts the door behind us and lets out a deep breath. “I want to explain to you why I didn’t tell you about Noah from the start.”
I hold up my hands and shake my head. “I don’t want to hear it, Lana.
Nothing you can say or do can fix this. I love Noah, and I want to be part of his life, but me and you?
It won’t work. I think from now on, it’s best if we have limited contact.
I’m going to speak to my lawyer about a custody agreement--”
“Sebastian, no, it doesn’t have to be like this--”
“I’m sorry. It’s the only way,” I tell Lana, and before my tears can fall, I rush past her, and out of the apartment.
----
When I get back to the ranch, I go for a long ride on Chester, hoping to clear my head. It helps a little and I feel calmer when we return to the stable.
I’m removing Chester’s saddle, and rubbing him down, when someone steps into the stable.
“Can we talk?” Monica asks.
I glance over at Lana’s cousin. “I don’t think I have anything to say to you, Monica. I told Lana earlier that--”
“I know what you told Lana. She called me up in tears. She’s devastated,” Monica says.
“It wasn’t easy for me, either. I still love her, but I can’t forgive her.”
“Have you even listened to why she didn’t tell you? Do you know what she went through?” Monica challenges.
“None of that matters. She lied to me. She hid Noah’s existence from me for five years. I missed out on so much,” I bite back.
“I know, and you have every right to be angry with her, Sebastian. But don’t let that anger ruin your chance of a happy ending with Lana.”