SEBASTIAN
Back at my apartment above the ranch, I throw the roses I bought for Lana in the trash and shove the ring box in a drawer. I can’t think about that now.
I have a son. A five-year-old son called Noah, with a brilliant smile, and it suddenly hits me, eyes just like mine.
I wonder what sort of things he’s into. Is he doing well in school? Does he have friends? Is he into sports?
I need to know everything, but I can’t face Lana. I’m not sure I will ever be able to face Lana again. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.
Desperate, I pick up my phone and text my brothers, telling them it’s an emergency, and I need to see them all as soon as possible. Within minutes they all reply that they’ll be at my place as quickly as they can.
Joshua and Tucker are the first to arrive, and when I let them in, Josh gives me a worried look.
“What happened? I thought you were proposing to Lana tonight. Did she say no?”
“Yeah, and that’s not even the beginning of it, but I’ll explain when Ryan and Antony get here,” I say, unable to sit still. I stand up and start pacing. “Do you two want a drink or something?”
“I could go for a beer,” Tucker replies.
“You’re going to need something stronger when you hear what I have to tell you,” I say, opening the liquor cabinet and taking out a bottle of Scotch.
As I’m pouring out five glasses, the bell rings.
“That will be Ryan and Antony. I’ll let them in,” Josh says, and rises from the couch.
As my brother goes to answer the door, Tucker asks, “Are you okay, bro?”
“I think I’m about as far from okay as humanly possible.” I down my glass of Scotch and then pour another one.
“Are we celebrating or commiserating?” Ryan asks, entering the room with Antony.
“Commiserating,” I say, handing drinks to my brothers.
“I take it the proposal didn’t go well?” Antony asks, taking the offered drink and dropping down into an armchair.
I heave out a breath. “Lana said no.”
“What? Why?” Josh questions. He’s sitting beside me on the couch and gives me an affectionate pat on the back.
“She didn’t say why, so I chased after her. We were just outside her apartment--”
“You didn’t wait until you were at the restaurant?” Ryan asks, interrupting my story.
“No, and it’s a good job that I didn’t. God, that would have made things so much worse,” I say, grimacing at the mental image of what might have happened if I’d saved the proposal until after dinner.
“I followed her up to her apartment, and heard her arguing with her cousin Monica about someone called Noah--”
“Didn’t I tell you when we were in Charlotte that I bet she had a secret husband or something,” Tucker says, and I scowl. Not only am I getting sick of my brothers interrupting, but I hate how smug Tucker looks that he was right -- that Lana was hiding something.
“Can all of you please just be quiet and wait for me to finish telling you what happened?” I wait for my brothers to utter their agreement, and then continue speaking.
“When I heard her talking about some guy called Noah, yeah, I thought she was cheating. I went in there and demanded the truth, only for this little kid to enter the kitchen asking for his mom. Lana is his mom--” I can see Ryan itching to speak, but I hold up my hands. “That’s not all of it. I’m the father.”
“What? How?” Antony blurts out.
“How do you think, idiot?” Tucker replies, and we all give him ‘the look.’
My youngest brother promptly shuts up and lets me finish explaining.
“He’s about five. She must have found out she was pregnant after she moved to New York and things between the two of us didn’t work out,” I say, and as I speak the pieces start coming together in my mind.
“Lana hasn’t told me much about her time in New York, but she was with a guy who used to hit her. ”
“Are you sure the kid is yours then? Could it be her ex’s, and she’s just saying it’s yours now she’s back in town?” Ryan asks.
I want to punch my oldest brother for insulting Lana’s integrity like that, but what the hell do I know. She lied to me. For years.
“God, I don’t know … I don’t think so, and Ryan, you didn’t see him. He has my eyes.” As angry as I am at Lana, I can’t get the image of little Noah's face out of my head. I only saw him for a few moments, but he was perfect.
I always dreamed of Lana and I having kids together, and he’s a mix of both of us, with darker skin and textured hair, but my eyes and now I think about it, I'm sure he has my nose, too.
My heart aches. I should be with him. I should have been with him this whole time. I missed his birth, I missed his first steps, and first word.
Lana robbed me of so much.
Pulling me from my thoughts, Antony says, “I know this might not be what you want to hear, Seb, but you should get a paternity test before you get any more involved. If Lana could hide this from you, what else might she have lied about?”
A stupid part of me still wants to defend Lana. Just a few hours ago, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. Now what? Nothing will keep me from getting to know Noah, but beyond that? I don’t think I can do it.
“Yeah, you need to get a paternity test, then once you’re sure the kid is yours, file for full custody. It’s not right that Lana kept this from you. It proves she’s an unfit mother,” Ryan says, his voice taking on a hard tone.
“Hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s no indication Lana isn’t a good mother,” I say, and Tucker rolls his eyes.
“She’s a liar. Do you want your kid raised by a liar? Nah, bro, you’re both better off without her.”
“I think you’re all getting ahead of yourselves. Right now, what’s important is Sebastian getting to know his son,” Joshua says, and I can’t help but smile. My younger brother can be reasonable when he wants to be.
“I agree. I can work out custody and stuff later. I need to meet Noah. I want to get to know him and build a bond with him.”
“You can do all that while still lawyering up,” Ryan insists.
“Sure, and I will, but I won’t drag my son into a custody battle when he doesn’t even know me,” I say. Noah is my priority now. Everything else is secondary.
Antony leans across and pats me on the back. “We only want what’s best for you. Whatever you decide to do, we’ll support you.”
I look up at my older brother and smile.
“I have a son,” I say aloud to no one in particular. It still doesn’t feel real. I’m a father.
“It’s amazing, isn't it?” Antony says, offering me a soft smile.
“Amazing and scary. I’ve missed out on so much. There’s so much I don’t know. How am I going to be a good dad when I’ve missed out on five years of his life?”
“You’ll figure it out, and we’ll be there to help you,” Antony says.
Suddenly I feel exhausted. It’s only been a few days since Lana and I got back from New Orleans, and when I returned from the trip, I jumped straight into getting my mother’s ring turned into an engagement ring.
My heart aches thinking about the ring shoved in the kitchen drawer. I was so certain Lana was the one. Even now, part of me loves her. Part of me will always love her -- she’s the mother of my son, for Christ’s sake. I just don’t know if I’ll ever trust her again.
“I really appreciate you guys coming over on such short notice, and I’m sorry to just kick you out like this, but I’m exhausted. I need to sleep.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Joshua says, as he stands and collects the empty glasses.
My other brothers all stand too, and each of them are quick to pull me into an embrace and assure me they’re there for me no matter what. We Braddock’s aren’t always great at showing our emotions, especially Ryan and Tucker, but I know when things get serious, I can always count on my brothers.
After they leave, I take off my clothes and throw them in the laundry hamper, then climb into bed.
But, despite how exhausted I feel, I can’t switch my brain off.
In my mind, I keep replaying the moment Noah walked into the kitchen asking for his Mama.
In my mind, I analyse every tiny detail about my son.
He was wearing dinosaur pyjamas. I wonder which dinosaur is his favourite.
I wonder what food he likes. Does he love spicy Caribbean food like his Mama?
Inevitably my thoughts drift to Lana, and I’m irrevocably torn.
I love her. I’ve always loved her. Long before we even became a couple, she was my everything, and after we broke up, I never got over her.
This was meant to be our second chance, our opportunity to put things right and have a happy ending.
And she ruined all that by keeping this huge secret from me. Anything else, I might have been able to forgive, but I don’t know if I can overlook the fact she robbed me of the first five years of Noah’s life.