AMBER #2
“Of course. I don’t know if he can hear us or not, but if he can, I’m sure he’d want to know that you’re here,” Josh says, and I can hear the quiver in his voice. I know he’s trying to stay strong, but it’s clear on the inside, he’s falling apart.
I don’t blame him. I feel like falling apart too.
Carefully, I take Tucker’s hand and begin to speak, “Hey, Tuck, it’s Amber. I know … I know the last time we saw each other wasn’t good. Things between us can’t end like that. I saw our baby, so you need to wake up so you can see them too. You need to wake up, because … because I think I love you.”
The confession hits me like a wave. I had no idea what I was going to say when I started speaking, the words just came out. But I know they’re true. I don’t know if Tucker and I will ever be able to make a relationship work, but I know as my child’s father, I will always love him.
I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts that it takes me a few moments to realize that Joshua and Sebastian have stood up. Sebastian is rushing to the door, while Josh removes Tucker’s ventilator mask.
I watch, wide-eyed, as Josh pulls the mask away and weakly croaks, “Where am I? Did I win the surfing contest?”
Despite the dire situation, a small laugh escapes my mouth.
-----
It takes about an hour before we’re allowed back in to see Tucker, while the doctors remove the ventilator, and perform various tests.
Finally, we’re told that while it’s still early days and Tucker will need to remain in hospital for observation for at least a couple of weeks, they don’t think he has any long-term, lasting damage.
This time, I stay in the waiting room while the Braddocks go to speak to Tucker. Josh insists it’s okay if I join them, but I stay behind. Not only do I want to give Tucker some time and space alone with his brothers, but since my confession, I feel the need to be alone with Tucker.
When the Braddocks leave Tucker’s room, Joshua comes to find me. “Everyone is heading back to the hotel now. But I’ll stick around until you’ve spoken to Tucker.”
“You don’t need to do that. I can get a cab or something.” I feel bad putting so much additional pressure on Josh when he’s got so much to deal with. I imagine he wants nothing more than to go to his hotel room and call Caitlyn to check in with her.
“I’m not leaving without you,” he insists firmly, and I know there’s no arguing.
Sebastian pops his head in to say goodbye, but I don’t see Antony and Ryan again.
Alone this time, I enter Tucker’s room. He already looks better than he did earlier. He’s sitting up, and there’s more color to his cheeks. Though he’s still hooked up to various monitors.
As I approach, he offers me a small smile. “Amber, I can’t believe you came all this way for me. I don’t deserve it.”
I take up the chair I sat in earlier and take Tucker’s hand. “I don’t want to hear any blame thrown around. The last time we spoke, we both said some shitty things to each other. But that’s the past. What matters is you’re okay. I was so scared we were going to lose you.”
Tucker sighs. “I’d be doing you all a favor.”
“Don’t say that. You didn’t see everyone when you were unconscious. Even Ryan looked heartbroken.”
Well, actually, he didn’t look anything, but the fact he just sat there like a statue and then left speaks volumes about the emotions Ryan is burying deep inside.
“Hardly,” Tucker scoffs.
I try not to roll my eyes.
“I’m not here to argue with you. In fact, I don’t want to argue with you ever again. I meant it the other day; I can’t keep going around in circles with you.”
“I get it. I don’t deserve to be a father. Don’t worry, I won’t cause trouble for you and the baby.”
“No, I’m not having you sitting here full of self-pity. Yeah, you fucked up. You fucked up really bad. Even if it wasn’t for the overdose, things wouldn’t be good. But just because things aren’t good now, doesn’t mean they can’t be someday. Did anyone tell you I had my first ultrasound recently?”
Tucker’s eyes widen to an almost comical level. “What? No. Is the baby, okay?”
“See for yourself.” I open my purse, and hand him the picture I got from the sonographer for him. I’ve put it in a plastic sleeve, so it won’t get damaged.
Tucker takes the picture from me and strokes his fingertip over it in wonder. I can guess what he’s feeling. I felt it too. There’s a huge difference between knowing you’re going to have a baby, and actually seeing your baby on the screen in black and white.
Finally, he gazes over at me, tears in his eyes, and asks, “Can I keep this?”
“You can. I asked the sonographer for two copies, so we could have one each.”
“Thank you.”
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Tucker.
When I thought I’d lost you, it made me realize …
well, it made me realize I love you--” Tucker opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
“You don’t have to say anything back. I know you’re not ready.
But, maybe in the future, you might be? Tucker, I want us to have a chance.
You, me and the baby. I pushed you away before because I was scared -- scared of you breaking my heart.
Scared of you breaking our child’s heart.
But then I experienced something worse than that -- the fear I was going to lose you forever.
I can’t go through that again. Not ever.
And I won’t put our baby through that either.
I want you to be part of your child’s life, and I want us to have a chance together, but I can’t just blindly trust things will be different.
That you will change. I need you to show me.
We still have six months until the baby is due.
In that time, if you can prove to me, you’re serious about being a dad, if you’re serious about us being together, I’ll wait for you.
Show me I’m enough. Show me I’m a priority, and I’ll be yours. If you want me.”
I lean in closer and place a gentle kiss on Tucker's cheek. Without another word, I stand and quietly slip out of the room, leaving him to think over everything I’ve said.