TUCKER
Being in the hospital sucks. It’s not the constant headache I have, or even the withdrawal. Hell, even the thing plugged into my arm isn’t that bad. It’s feeling like I’m trapped that I can’t get over.
I want to be anywhere else. I want to be with Amber, talking. I want to be back in East Hampton. I want to be back in my own bed. I want to be anywhere else but here.
The one upside is the staff here are great. Even though I know they must be looking at me like I’m a huge dumbass. They are compassionate in spite of the fact this is all my fault -- a living hell of my own making.
I suppose if there’s one thing loneliness is good for, though, it’s thinking. It’s not like I can say fuck it and go out partying. And I do have a lot to think about. It’s hard to put into words just how shocked by Amber’s response I am.
I’m not a complete ass, I guess deep down I figured she’d be upset if she knew I was fucking up comps and doing far too many drugs.
What was I even thinking? But I thought she’d be glad.
It would have given her the chance to really write me out of our child’s life.
Her response was the complete opposite of that.
Yeah, she was pissed, but she didn’t treat me like a child.
She was like the staff -- compassionate in spite of the fact this is all my fault.
I couldn’t shake what she had said from my head.
Six months to sort myself out. Could I really turn things around?
If I’m going to try, I need something to focus on that isn’t just Amber and the baby.
Only focusing on them would be an unfair burden for them to bear.
But what can I do? I’m not a chef or a savvy businessman.
All I know is how to surf. And I only know that because I had a good teacher.
It’s not like I can… Hang on. An idea hits me.
Could I really open a surf school? I’m still not sure. What would I even teach them? Hey, here’s how to ride a wave and don’t do drugs, they’ll ruin you and your life. And your friends and family will hate you. Is that lesson people would really need to learn?
I sit up in my bed and rub my face.
Hang on. Is that lesson people would really need to learn?
No, not most people. But let’s flip this around for a sec’.
If I had someone who’d been where I was and could relate, would that have had more of an effect on me than getting my balls twisted by family members?
If my dad would have said that to me would it have had more of an effect?
Oh god, this is what loneliness does to you.
I’m sounding like one of those philosophy influencers.
Introspection, bay-bay! It’s the new drug of choice.
----
It’s the afternoon. I’ve finished my lunch and I would give just about anything to not have to eat this trash. I’m pretty sure they just put all the food into a pot and boil it for seven hours until everything tastes like one thing. Mmm, carrots and potatoes that taste like cracked feet.
Honestly, I love the dudes here, but the food is like eating soggy sandpaper.
“Oh wow, you ate all your lunch. Feeling better, Tucker?” the nurse says.
“Yeah, it’s dope.” She knows I’m lying; I know I’m lying, but we both pretend it’s real to be polite. Man, I hate hospitals.
The nurse leaves, complete with my tray and table. The door closes but stays ajar, as if someone is holding it partially open but not entering.
“Hello?” I say, a little confused.
A moment passes, then the door swings wide open. It’s Ryan. Oh shoot, here we go.
Ryan walks in without saying a word and lifts a chair from the other side of the room before placing downright next to me.
“Listen, Ryan, I know--”
“Shut up.”
What the hell? Who does he think he is? And why haven’t I started shouting at him?
Ryan looks like he’s barely had any sleep. The shiner seems to be fading as well. Heh.
“Tucker, this is it. Enough. No more drugs, no more partying. You need to sort your life out. We can’t keep sitting by the phone waiting for…” Ryan waves his arms. “For this. We’ve had to trek across the country to make sure you’re not dead. It ends now.”
“I know. That’s what Amber said, although in a much more supportive way.”
“I’m not here to be supportive, Tucker. I’m here to make sure you finally get your fucking head on straight.”
Wow. Ryan dropped an F-bomb in front of me. That’s not something you hear every day.
“I’m not going to keep going through this cycle. You mess up, I bail you out, you get pissy, then the next week we start it all over again.”
“I know, I’m trying bro, I really am.”
“You’re not, though, are you? Every time you say you’re trying, I believe you.
And that’s the problem we’ve got. We keep running the same act again and again with no real repercussions.
You came into my house and assaulted me and I did nothing.
If that were anyone else, I’d have had their throat out in seconds.
But because it’s you, I put it down to you’re going through stuff and maybe this is the time you change.
You assaulted me, and I still came running when you nearly kill yourself. ”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t. I can’t keep doing this. I’ve got a family to care for. I can’t keep trying to fix your life. I’m going to have Amber and her kid to look after as well soon.”
“The fuck you are. Amber’s my responsibility.”
“Yeah, she is, until the next time this happens.” Ryan waves his arms again. “Here’s the deal, Tucker. Either you sort your shit out -- I mean really sort your shit out -- or you’re out. I’ll lawyer up and write you out of your inheritance. You’ll get nothing.”
“Bro, what the fuck? Who do you think you are? You’re not my dad.”
“I fucking know I’m not. Our Dad died with Mom. They left us alone and I had to pick up the pieces and look after four younger brothers and the family business all while choking down my own grief, so you all had someone to turn to.”
Tears build up in Ryan’s eyes and he slams his head into his hands. I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve seen him angry plenty of times, but right now, as he sits here in front me, he seems broken.
Ryan is a dick, that much is true, and he’s not my dad. But in this moment, suddenly everything about the way he is makes sense. He’s not our dad, no one else will ever be, but he’s tried to take a role that was thrust into him because there was no one else who could. Fuck.
I won’t commit to girls because I’m worried, they’ll leave me like my parents did. Ryan’s a complete bastard because he’s living a life he didn’t choose. Fuuuuuuuck.
I try to block stuff out with drugs and alcohol because I don’t want to face my grief. Ryan assumes a role no one asked him to in order to fill the hole in our lives rather than face his grief.
“You don’t need to be Dad, Ryan. You’re already a swell older brother. Either way, he’d be proud of you.” I can’t believe I just said that. I should be screaming at the thought of losing my inheritance.
“Heh. Thanks.”
“Surf school?”
Ryan lifts his head from his hands. “What?”
“Surf school. I was talking to Amber about getting my life on track and was thinking maybe I could open a surf school. I could take in people of all ages, and I could take in kids who need a…” The word I had in mind was father figure but there’s no way I’m saying that after everything. “…older role-model.”
“And you think you could do this? Get clean and work a nine-to-five?”
“Hell no. I could get clean, but the best waves are in the morning. I’d just book people in for when it would be best for them.”
“I… Hadn’t thought of that.”
“Yeah, you gotta build your business around what people need. A nine-to-five would be too rigid.”
I can’t make out what expression is on Ryan’s face. Is that? Is that pride? Is he impressed with me?
“So, then what? You’ve got a business, you’re clean, what else?”
“Are you kidding, that’s the easy part. I’m gonna ask Amber to move in with me.
We’re gonna live on the beach with that stupid chow-chow.
We’ll walk the kid along the beach when they can’t sleep and take them for ice-cream.
Can babies eat ice-cream? And if you’re worried about partying, don’t be.
Any resemblance of cool I had will be gone.
I’m gonna spend the next few years covered in sea salt and baby shit.
If you wanna cook us dinner one of the nights when we’re sleep de-fucking-prived, though, that’d be swell. ”
Ryan pauses for a second, seemingly processing everything I’ve said.
“I’m serious about you losing your inheritance, Tucker. If this is all just words, you’ll be broke.”
“Can I be honest with you, dude?”
“Sure, please do.”
“I don’t care.”
Ryan’s eyes light up. “What?”
“I don’t care if I lose my inheritance. Like, I get why you’re doing that, I do.
But that’s not the trump card you think it is.
Or at least, it’s not now. A few days ago, it would have made me shit myself the moment you uttered the words.
Right now, there are only two things I care about losing -- Amber, and the baby.
You can take away my money, my drugs, my drinks, but if I’ve got Amber and my kid, I’m gonna be happy no matter what. ”
Ryan pauses again. “I have no idea what to say to that. You didn’t even say bro.”
“brO! Did you just make a joke?”
“No, I’d never do that,” Ryan says with a smile.
“So, you got any advice for me?” I ask.
“Me? I always try to think of things in terms of ‘would Dad be proud of me?’”
“And how’s that working out?”
“Great, my baby bro just overdosed and is in hospital.”
“And he just noticed you said ‘bro’.”
“I’m pretty sure I didn’t.”
“It’s cool. You know, Ryan, you don’t need to be Dad.
We all got to adulthood. I dunno, maybe it’s time to focus on yourself instead of worrying about us lot?
We’re gonna fuck up, of course. I mean, I think our family is cursed -- the amount of shit we’ve seen.
But no matter what happens, we always get through it.
And we always come out the other side stronger than we were before. ”
I’m not sure if I’m talking to Ryan or saying this to myself.
Ryan lets out an inhuman amount of air, almost deflating.
“I think… I think you may be right. Maybe it is time I stopped trying to be the glue that binds and just start enjoying being--”
“In the present!”
“Yeah.” Ryan says as he wipes a tear from his eye. “That’s another conversation you got through without saying ‘bro’.”
“What? I said ‘bro’ when I called you out on saying ‘bro’. That totally counts.”
“No. No it doesn’t. That’s two whole conversations where you sound like an adult.”
“Hey Ryan?”
“Yes, Tucker?”
“Fuck you, bro,” I say, as we both burst into laughter.