AMBER
It’s been almost twenty-four hours, and I haven’t heard from Tucker. I’m scared I pushed him too hard. Too much. Too soon.
The last time I pushed Tucker too hard -- by telling him I was going to raise our baby alone -- he went off and OD’d. Sure, there were other factors at play then, too, like his confrontation with Ryan, but still, I’m scared I’ve done or said the wrong thing.
I’m worried he’ll hate me for challenging him to make his life better.
Does he love me and our baby enough to turn things around?
Or will he keep falling into the same bad habits?
I love him and want to be with him, but I know that I can’t raise a baby with him if he’s doing drugs, getting arrested and god knows what else.
I hope my words are enough to get through to him.
I don’t want to bother the Braddocks. I know they're all dealing with Tucker being in hospital in their own way, and I won’t go back there unless Tucker asks me to or something.
So instead, I wait.
And I wait.
And wait.
Finally, the waiting starts getting too much for me, so I do the only thing I can do. I call Caitlyn.
“Hey, how’s things? How’s Tucker?” my best friend asks on answering the phone.
“Good. I think. I’ve only seen him one time since he woke up,” I reply.
“How come? Josh said he visited earlier and seems in good spirits. Apparently, Ryan’s going to speak to him soon too.”
“Which is why I’ve been keeping away. They don’t need me there, getting in their space.”
On the other end of the phone, I hear Caitlyn sigh. “Is this about Ryan and how he treated you at the airport? Because if it is, screw him. You’ve got as much right to be there as he does. More so, in fact.”
“I told Tucker I love him,” I blurt out.
I can practically see Caitlyn on the other end of the line, grinning like a maniac.
“I knew it. What did he say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t let him respond. I know he’s not there yet. I gave him an ultimatum of sorts. I said if he can get his shit together between now and when the baby is born, I’ll be with him.”
Caitlyn practically squeals down the phone. “Oh my god, we really are going to be sisters!”
I laugh, allowing myself to imagine Tucker and I together for one moment. I see a little kid with black hair just like his, and blue eyes like the ocean. They’re standing in the middle of me and Tucker, holding one of our hands each. All three of us are smiling -- happy and content.
I smile, but I know it’s only a fantasy. For now.
“Calm down. We’ve got a long way to go yet. Tucker might say he doesn’t want to be with me. He might feel like partying and getting laid is more important than me. Than being a good father. I have no idea.”
“He cares about you. I know he does. He wouldn’t have slept with you multiple times, and asked you out to dinner if he didn’t, and he certainly wouldn’t have reacted to the news about the pregnancy like he did if he didn’t care.”
“Right, sure. But is that enough? Am I enough?”
“Of course, you are. I bet if you went to the hospital now and spoke to him he’d tell you that.”
It’s tempting. Really tempting. But I can’t keep chasing Tucker.
I flew nine hours across the country to make sure he’s okay. I know he’s okay now.
Enough is enough.
“I think I should go home.”
“What? Why?” Caitlyn shrieks, and in the background, I hear Elsa and Bella start barking.
“Because it’s the right thing to do for everyone.
The Braddocks don’t need me here, and Tucker doesn’t need the added pressure.
He needs to focus on getting better. And I need to focus on keeping sane.
I just think it’d be best if I go home. Tucker knows what I want, and where to find me.
When he’s made up his mind about what he wants, well, then we can talk. ”
“At least go and see him first. Tell him you’re going home.”
I sigh. “Maybe.”
“Call me when you land in New York, and I’ll come pick you up.”
“I will. Thank you.”
“Love you,” Caitlyn says.
“Love you too,” I reply, before ending the call.
I feel a little better after speaking to Caitlyn, and I quickly pack my case, and book my flight home. As I do I keep thinking about what she said to me.
Should I go and see Tucker?
In the end, I decide I’m too much of a coward.
No, that’s not entirely true. The truth is, I’m exhausted.
Even though I’m now in my second trimester of pregnancy, my energy levels are still pretty low.
And on top of that, I’ve just flown six hours to California, and then waiting for Tucker to wake up.
The physical and emotional toll it’s taking on my body is getting too much.
I know I should go and see Tucker, and tell him I’m heading home, but I’m not ready to face him yet.
I’m not ready to hear him say he doesn’t want to be with me.
Or he needs more time. Or whatever he’s going to say.
So, like a coward, instead, I leave him a note.
I keep it simple, telling him I’m going home, but that he should come find me when he’s discharged from hospital, and ready to talk about the future.
I also write a quick note to Josh, thanking him for all his support, and then I shove both letters under Josh’s door.
Am I taking the coward’s way out? Maybe I am. But right now, it’s all I have the energy for.