10. Miller
Miller
Early the next morning, I drove Collie to the hospital. His surgery wasn’t scheduled until that afternoon, but first they wanted to run some tests, and do whatever else needed to happen beforehand.
He was surprisingly calm. He’d even slept the night before. Meanwhile, I’d paced around the house and thought about all sorts of horrible what-ifs that I’d never repeat to him.
About an hour before the surgery, we were alone in his hospital room. They’d stuck an IV in his arm and hooked him to some monitors. And somehow, he seemed perfectly relaxed. It was like whatever happened, happened. He’d made peace with it.
As for me, I was still nervous as hell and trying my damnedest not to let it show. He could probably tell, though. Maybe to distract me, or both of us, Collie said, “Tell me something I don’t know about you, Miller.”
I took a seat in the chair at his bedside. “Like what?”
He thought about it and said, “Do you think you’d ever try to find your birth parents?”
“I actually did that when I was twenty-three. I was out of college and making a lot of money at that start up I told you about, so I decided it was the perfect time to go to Korea. I’d dreamt about it for years.
I grew up feeling like I never fit in, and I thought, how amazing would it be to go someplace where everyone was like me for a change? ”
“And was it all you’d hoped for?”
“Not even close. I was a total outsider, way more than I’d been in my hometown.
I didn’t know the language, the culture, the customs. I’d never felt so alone.
Meeting my birth mom was the worst part.
We could only communicate through an interpreter, and it was painfully obvious she wanted to be anywhere but there. ”
“I’m sorry, Miller. That sucks.”
“It really did. I asked her why she gave me up, and she said she’d gotten pregnant by accident and had no interest in being a mother.
Turns out my dad was some rando she met in a bar.
She didn’t even remember his name. So, she gave me up for adoption and pretty much never gave me a second thought—until I showed up and tried to have the most awkward family reunion ever. ”
“Damn.”
“At least I found out my birth name. But then, that sucked too, because it turned out my adopted parents had known it all along. They’d just chosen not to tell me, even when I’d asked.”
“What was it?”
“Su-Jin Kim. Although in Korean it’s last name first, so Kim Su-Jin.”
“That’s pretty. Have you ever thought about going by it?”
“Nah. At least Miller is familiar. If I went by Su-Jin, I think I’d feel like an imposter—someone playing at being Korean with no real understanding of what that even means.”
“I get it. You know what’s wrong with Miller, though?”
“Do tell.”
“It makes me feel like a dude-bro who’s always calling you by your last name.” He deepened his voice and exclaimed, “Hey Miller, whassup!” Then he grabbed my wrist and hoisted up my hand to high-five me. “It’s like I should be wearing a backwards baseball cap and pledging a fraternity.”
I grinned at that. “Would it be better or worse to call me by my actual last name?”
“Anderson feels more like a first name. Maybe that’s because of Anderson Cooper or something.”
“Maybe.”
“What’s your middle name?”
“Robert.” A huge smile spread across his face, prompting me to ask, “What?”
“I was thinking about calling you Millie, and now I find out you’re Millie Bobby.” I stared at him blankly, and he said, “As in the actress? Millie Bobby Brown, from Stranger Things?”
“Oh. Right.”
“I’m totally calling you that from now on.”
“Do you have to?”
“I think I do.”
“Well, I can’t really argue with you. Not today.”
“True! I can probably get you to agree to anything right now.”
I admitted, “Yeah, you probably could.”
“How about matching tattoos? Crap-ay Diem in huge letters across your chest?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
He smiled at me and teased, “Come on. This might literally be my last request.”
“It’s not.”
A nurse bustled into the room just then, and I got up and stepped back to give her room to work.
She quickly and efficiently took his temperature and blood pressure, then flashed him a friendly smile and said, “It won’t be long now, hon.
You team will be down shortly to prep you for the OR. You need anything in the meantime?”
“I’m good, thanks.” After she left, he asked me, “Why would she ask if I needed anything, since I’m not allowed to eat or drink before my surgery? What was she offering?”
“I don’t know. A magazine, to pass the time?”
“Or a priest, for last rites?”
“No. Definitely not that.”
His expression grew serious. “There’s something I need to tell you before they wheel me into that operating room.”
“You’re going to be fine, Collie.”
“Just listen. This is important.”
“Okay. What is it?”
“Come closer.” I sat on the edge of his bed, and he grabbed my arm.
“Closer.” When I leaned in, he whispered, “If I die today… avenge me.” I sat up and stared at him, and he burst out laughing.
“I’m just messing with you. Because really, how often does life present you with the opportunity to say that? ”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. Then he said, “Here’s what I actually need to tell you. I changed the pass code on my phone to something you’d remember. It’s one-one-one-one-one.”
“I told you the previous homeowner programmed that door code.”
“Sure. I believe you.” His smirk told me he really didn’t.
“Now, here’s what I need from you. If I don’t make it out of surgery—” I started to protest, but he pressed his finger to my lips to shut me up.
“I know I’ll probably be fine, but there’s a chance I won’t, and you and I both know it.
So if I don’t make it, I need you to get in touch with my friend Jeannie and let her know what happened.
It would be truly awful if she thought I ghosted her, after being my best friend for most of our lives. ”
“Did you tell her you’re having surgery today?”
“No. She has enough to worry about with three kids and another on the way. But I’m planning to call her in a few days and tell her all about it, when I’m safe and sound and the worst of this is in my rearview mirror.”
“Okay. I definitely won’t need to call her,” I said, “but still, noted.”
“Good.”
Three nurses arrived just then, and everything started happening fast. I stepped out into the hallway so I wouldn’t get in the way and tried to focus on taking deep, steady breaths.
A few minutes later, they wheeled him out of his room. He was flat on his back on a gurney, and his hair was tucked under a shower cap of sorts.
He said, “Just a minute. I need to tell my husband something,” and they stopped right in front of me.
I took his hand, and when Collie looked up at me, a smile lit his eyes.
“I want you to know I appreciate every single thing you’ve done for me, Miller.
I think you’re incredible, and truly the nicest guy I’ve ever met. ”
“You’re pretty incredible yourself. I’ll see you soon, Collie.”
“Yup. See you soon.” He squeezed my hand and let go of it, and I gently brushed his cheek before taking a step back.
I watched until he disappeared through a pair of double doors. Then I slumped against the wall and scrubbed my hands over my face.
A few moments later, someone asked, “You okay, hon?”
I straightened up and turned to find the same nurse from before standing beside me. Automatically, I muttered, “I’m fine.”
“It’s normal to be scared,” she said. “This surgery is a big deal. It’ll be a few hours, so I’d suggest going outside and getting some fresh air.
Also, have some lunch, even if you think you can’t eat.
The best thing you can do for your husband right now is to take care of yourself.
He’s going to be relying on you heavily in the days ahead, so you need to make sure you’re okay. ”
“That’s good advice. Thank you.”
“The cafeteria is on the ground floor, and it has a nice patio area. Maybe start there.”
I followed her suggestion and went downstairs. After I got myself a sandwich, a bottle of water, and an energy drink, I took a seat at a patio table with an umbrella.
The nurse was right, I needed to take care of myself, or I wouldn’t be able to take care of Collie.
I was running on no sleep, and I hadn’t eaten anything all day.
He’d had to fast before his surgery, and I would have felt like a jerk if I’d eaten in front of him.
It was no wonder I felt like crap, but the sandwich and drinks helped a little.
I couldn’t let myself think about what was happening to Collie right this very moment, somewhere inside that building. It was too nerve-wracking. So instead, I tried to come up with some ideas for things I could do to make him comfortable, once he got home.
I ended up texting my friend and neighbor Yolanda and asking for her former tenants’ phone number. The couple had done a beautiful job on her backyard, and I wanted to hire them to fix mine up.
The phone rang in my hand a moment later. When I answered, Yolanda said, “Hey. What time is Collie’s surgery?”
“It’s happening right now. I’m trying to distract myself by planning some surprises for him when he gets home. I think he’d really like it if he had someplace comfortable to sit outside, but you’ve seen my backyard.”
“I’m sure they’d be thrilled to get the job. They’re trying to get their landscaping business off the ground, and your yard would be the perfect before-and-after to show off on social media.”
“I guess Collie’s going to be in the hospital about a week. Do you think they could do the yard that quickly?”
“Probably.” Yolanda paused for a moment before saying, “It’s really sweet that you care so much about Collie…
but have you thought this through? I mean, you’re planning to take care of him after major surgery.
It’s a lot. You’re turning your life upside down for this guy, Miller, and you’ve only known him a few days. ”