10. Miller #2
“I know, but from the day I met him, I just… I needed to be around him. I don’t know how else to explain it.
And really, my life needed to be turned upside down.
It’s like I spent the last year sleepwalking.
Every day was exactly like the one before it.
It’s not like that anymore, because of Collie. ”
“I can see that,” she said. “But who’s to say he’s not just going to pack up and disappear, the moment he’s well enough?”
“There’s always that chance. No matter what though, I want to help him, and I want to know he’s going to be okay. I have no idea what’s going to happen after he gets better, and maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe living in the moment with him is all I need.”
“I like this new, chill side of you, Miller. I was worried you were setting yourself up to get hurt, but it sounds like you have a good handle on this.”
“Believe me, getting hurt is not the goal here.” I’d had enough of that for one lifetime.
We chatted for a few more minutes, and after we ended the call, I closed my eyes and turned my face toward the cool breeze. Coming outside had been a good decision.
Or it was, until an all-too-familiar voice said, “Hi, Miller.”
I opened my eyes and frowned at my ex-fiancé. Two sightings in less than a week. Lucky me. “What are you doing here, Bruce?”
“One of my colleagues requested a consult. What about you?”
“Collie is having surgery.”
“Nothing serious, I hope.”
“Is there ever a time when surgery isn’t serious?”
“Well, it could be elective, or laparoscopic, or—”
“It’s open-heart surgery.”
“Oh.” He sat down at my table uninvited and fidgeted with his paper coffee cup. “Who’s the surgeon?”
“Bauer.”
“She’s excellent.”
“Good to know, I guess. But if you told me she sucked, what was I going to do? Run in there and wheel my husband out of the operating room?”
Bruce’s blue eyes went wide as he repeated, “Husband?” I’d dropped that bomb for the shock value, and I wasn’t disappointed. “Since when?”
“This past Sunday.”
“Oh. Well… congratulations, I guess.”
“You guess? That’s so heartfelt. Have you considered switching careers and writing Hallmark cards?”
“It just seems sudden.”
“You don’t know when we started dating.”
“No, but it has to be less than a year… right?”
I shot him a look. “Of course it was less than a year, but thanks for insinuating I was dating him while you and I were still together.”
He paused before saying, “You know, we never got to talk after our breakup. I really hoped we’d have a chance to clear the air, so maybe we can do that now.”
“I don’t think there’s anything left to say, unless you’ve thought of a few more things that are wrong with me and feel compelled to share.”
“I shouldn’t have said any of that. I guess I was trying to justify my decision to end the relationship, so I tried to find fault with you. I’m sorry, Miller.”
“What a perfect example of too little, too late.”
“I wasn’t wrong to end our relationship. Going through with that wedding wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.”
“You’re right. It’s good you ended it, but you didn’t have to go about it like that,” I said. “You didn’t have to wait until two days before the wedding, and you really didn’t need to add insult to injury.”
“I agree, and I regret the things I said. Instead of trying to make it your fault, I should have told you the truth.”
“Which was?”
“There was this guy…”
I muttered, “Fucking hell.”
“I didn’t cheat on you.”
“But you really, really wanted to?” He looked guilty, so I asked, “Who was he?”
“He was someone I worked with. He was always flirty and attentive, and I found myself thinking about taking him up on his not so subtly veiled offers. Like I said, I didn’t do it—not while you and I were together.
But it made me think, if my head could be turned that easily, was I really ready to get married? ”
“You’ve always been an attention whore, Bruce,” I said flatly.
“Any time somebody flirts or offers you a compliment, you eat it up with a spoon. I doubt that’ll ever change, even if you get married at some point.
” He frowned, but he didn’t try to deny it.
After a moment, I asked, “So, whatever happened with the flirty guy at work?”
“We dated for three weeks, and then he left me for a thoracic surgeon.” I couldn’t hold back my snort of laughter. Bruce said, “I deserve that.”
“Oh believe me, you deserve far worse.”
After a moment, he asked, “So, where did you and Collie meet?”
“Nope. You and I are not going to sit here and dish like two old friends.”
“No, I suppose not. He’s surprising though, not at all the kind of person I’d ever picture you with.”
“Because you assumed I only date douchebags?”
He made a beckoning gesture with his hand. “Go ahead. Call me names if it’ll make you feel better. And I’m sure there’s a lot you want to say to me, so let it out.”
“Not really. I just want you to know you truly hurt me, and I hope you never do that to anyone else, because no one deserves to feel like I did. But there’s nothing else to say, because you’re in the past.”
He’d been trying his best to seem cordial and sincere, but a bit of the real Bruce slipped out when he sneered, “And you really think that weird, effeminate goth kid is your future?”
I got up and said, very calmly and levelly, “Collie is amazing, and it’s really pathetic that you’d try to take a jab at him.
He’s sweet, and fun, and stunningly beautiful, and he lights up any room that he’s in.
It feels good to be around him. And I completely admire the way he’s always his true, genuine self, with zero fucks to give about what anyone thinks of him.
” I held his gaze steadily as I asked, “How much of that do you think anyone would ever say about you?”
With that, I turned and walked away. And wow, did it feel good.
I ended up doing a few laps around the block to clear my head. That conversation had been unexpected, especially the part where Bruce let me have the last word. He never did that when we were together.
He was still an ass, though. There was always an underlying note of smugness in him, even when he was trying to play nice. Apparently I’d just accepted it as part of the package when we were together, figuring the good in him outweighed the bad—although it really hadn’t.
I didn’t know what to think about this new revelation that he’d dumped me because some rando at work was flirting with him.
But then, that wasn’t really what had ended our relationship.
If he’d really loved me, he wouldn’t have used that as an excuse to cut and run.
Bottom line, he didn’t want me. That was what it all boiled down to.
Even though I understood why he’d dumped me, and even though I was glad it was over, it still left a mark on me.
It felt like a betrayal, and it had happened at the hands of the one person I’d trusted more than anyone else.
How was I supposed to trust anyone else with my heart, after something like that?
Later that afternoon, the doctor found me in the waiting room to let me know Collie was out of surgery, and that everything had gone according to plan. I was overcome with relief.
It was a few more hours before I was told he was awake, and that I could go see him. Since he was in the ICU, I had to put on a paper robe and a mask and use some hand sanitizer before I was allowed to join Collie in his glass-walled room.
There were a lot more tubes, wires, and monitors now.
There was also a large cotton pad on his bare chest, partially covered by his thin blanket.
He looked fragile and tiny, and his complexion was ashen.
But when he raised his lids and saw me, a big smile spread across his face.
“Hey,” he rasped. “Check it out. I’m still alive. ”
“I heard it went great.”
He nodded before whispering, “It’s hard to talk because there was a breathing tube down my throat. It felt super gross when they took it out.”
I gently brushed his dark hair back from his forehead. “You don’t need to talk. I’ll just hang out with you for a while, if you want me to.”
Collie nodded again, and I moved a chair beside his bed and took a seat. He slipped his hand out from under the blanket and reached for me, and as I held it in both of mine, he whispered, “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too, but they’re going to kick me out pretty soon,” I said. “I’ll be back first thing tomorrow though, and every day after that.”
“Do you promise?”
“I do.” I gently squeezed his hand and told him, “I’ve got you, Collie.”
After a few minutes, he started nodding off, and the nurse whispered to me that I should let him get some rest. I was still holding his hand, so I carefully tucked it under the covers.
His eyes fluttered open, and he searched my face as he rasped, “Please don’t forget about me.”
That made my heart ache. “I won’t. You can count on me, Collie.”
He whispered, “Okay,” before letting his eyes slide shut again. It was so hard to leave him there, even though I knew the hospital staff would look after him.
When I got home, the house was utterly quiet. It had been like that for most of the last year, but now it felt strange. I realized I’d gotten used to having Collie around, even in just a few short days. Without him, this place felt lifeless and empty.
I’d come in through the connecting door to the garage, and I felt surprisingly lost as I wandered from room to room.
I found the cat sitting by the front door, waiting for Collie to return.
I told her, “He’s not coming back tonight,” and she looked at me over her shoulder.
I could almost swear that she sighed. Then she went back to staring at the door.
“I get it,” I said softly. “I miss him, too.”