12. Miller
Miller
I kept glancing at Collie over the top of my drawing pad. He was adorable. I’d always thought so, but lately I found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss him… which was confusing. We were just friends—and that was all we could be, because I was done with relationships.
Never mind the fact that he was still recovering from major surgery, so this wasn’t the time to start something. Not that we’d be starting something anyway, what with that whole “done with relationships” thing…
I was done with relationships, wasn’t I?
Okay, enough of this. I had to stop driving myself nuts and focus. I was supposed to be coming up with some sort of brilliant idea that was going to keep my ass from getting demoted.
To change things up a bit, I’d decided to work with paper and a pencil, instead of my drawing tablet. I was also sitting outside in my new and improved backyard, in the hope that a change of scenery would get my creative juices flowing.
Collie glanced up from the manhwa he was reading. It was actually one of mine, which he’d plucked off the shelf in the den. To cover my embarrassment at getting caught staring at him, I asked, “How do you like the comic?”
“It’s pretty good, but I can’t help but wonder if some things have gotten lost in translation between the original Korean and English.”
“Probably.”
“How are the sketches going?” I turned the blank page toward him, and he set aside the comic and said, “Maybe I can help. I know you told me before, but tell me again what you’re trying to do.”
“This is going to be a postapocalyptic questing game. The main character is going around collecting things he or she needs to survive, while fighting bad guys. That’s all pretty standard, but the way we want to separate ourselves from our competition is with unique characters and settings, and really outstanding artwork. ”
“Can you play as different characters, or just one?”
“In our last game, you could customize your own character. In this one, it’s all about this one main protagonist, so they really need to be fun and interesting.”
“Does it have to be a big, buff, pseudo-military badass?”
“No.”
“But that’s what sells video games, right?”
“Not always. Just look at Link in The Legend of Zelda games. He’s a little elf.”
“What about the world they live in? Is it Earth, or an alien planet?”
“I’m thinking it’s an Earth variant, like Earth from another dimension,” I said. “That gives me room to get creative.”
He nodded. “I like that. You can go nuts and do whatever you want.”
“Well, as long as my art director and the rest of the team signs off on it.”
“They will. I know you can come up with something amazing.”
“That makes one of us.”
“You need to believe in yourself, Miller. You could come up with the coolest stuff ever, but if you go in there and act like you’re unsure of it, they’ll be unsure, too.”
“That’s a good point.”
“Is there anything you’ve drawn just for fun, that you think is too far out there to pitch to your team?”
I grinned and admitted, “The only thing I’ve drawn that fits that description is you.”
“You drew me? Let me see!”
“One sec.” I picked up my iPad, and as I logged on, Collie tossed aside his blanket and squeezed in beside me on my patio chair.
Once I opened the file and handed him the tablet, he squealed with delight. “These are so cool! I’ve never been cartooned before.” He looked amazed as he scrolled through the sketches. “It looks just like me, only cuter.”
“You’re actually much more adorable. Those don’t do you justice.”
“When did you draw these?”
“It was a few days after you went with me to my baseball game.”
“That’s why you drew my parasol, and that jersey.”
“I’ve always liked your style. I’ve never asked though, why do you always wear black?”
“It began as a mild form of rebellion. I figured I didn’t blend in anyway, so I might as well set myself apart on purpose.
In junior high, everyone was so cookie-cutter, so I started rocking the all-black thing.
After a while, it became less about rebelling and more about expressing what became my own, personal style. ”
“I totally respect that.”
“Speaking of personal style, I actually have a similar question for you,” he said. “How did you develop your unique taste in music?”
I grinned and asked, “You mean, why do I have the musical taste of an old man?”
Collie grinned, too. “I never said that. But we both know it’s pretty unusual for a guy in his mid-thirties.”
“This is going to sound so dumb, but it all started with a TV commercial. I don’t even remember what it was for, but the song ‘The Girl From Ipanema’ was playing in the background.
I was instantly smitten and started looking for anything I could find in that genre.
This was back when I was still in high school, and believe me when I say, nobody got it. ”
“I can imagine.” After a pause, Collie said, “In that game you’re designing, what if the apocalypse happened on a version of Earth that was still in that time period? All that sleek, mid-century modern stuff might look really awesome in a post-apocalyptic hellscape.”
“That’s called retro-futurism. There are a few games out there with that aesthetic.”
“Aw. I thought I came up with a unique idea.”
“We could make it unique. All I’d have to do is draw a highly stylized version that didn’t look like any of the other games on the market.”
“Show me.”
Collie moved back to his chair so I’d have room to work, and I picked up my drawing pad and pencil and quickly sketched out the scene in my head. When I showed it to him, he stared at it in awe and said, “You’re incredibly talented. I wish I was even half as good at literally anything.”
“Is this what you had in mind?”
“It’s better. It’s like Palm Springs meets the apocalypse by way of a modern art museum.”
“That’s exactly what I was going for.” I fidgeted with my pencil as I murmured, “I wonder if my team and my art director would be into it...”
“They will be if you sell it. Go into your next meeting with confidence and make them believe in this as much as I do.”
I started drawing quickly, as scene after scene played through my mind’s eye. This was an aesthetic I loved, and it was easy to let my imagination run wild.
After a few minutes, I’d filled several pages with rough sketches. I turned a full page interior sketch to Collie and asked, “What do you think?”
“It’s amazing! Seriously Miller, it’s so good.”
“I’m going for it. I love this idea, and I’m excited about it. That tells me I’m on to something here. The more I can show my art director, the better, so I’ve got my work cut out for me between now and Friday.” It was already Monday afternoon, so I really needed to get busy.
“I’ll be your pit crew while you work on this. You’re going to need someone to bring you coffee, and snacks, and provide moral support.”
“I don’t want you to wear yourself out.”
He shot me a look. “I’m pretty sure I won’t totally exhaust myself if I make you a cup of coffee.”
“Okay. As long as you don’t overdo it.”
“I won’t. I promise.” After a moment, he asked, “Do you think your quirky little Collie character might fit into this mid-century world?”
“I’m going to make him fit. I’ll draw him in the same style, and I’ll put him in a retro bowling shirt instead of a baseball jersey to give it a bit of a through line.
He doesn’t have to totally match his surroundings, though.
In fact, it’ll be more interesting if he’s a traveler who’s new to this world.
That’ll also explain why he’s exploring and collecting things. ”
A huge smile spread across his face. “This is so cool,” he said. “I’ve never been anyone’s muse before.”
Now it was doubly important to get my team and art director to sign off on this. I wasn’t just doing it for myself and my career. I was doing it for Collie too, and I’d never forgive myself if I let him down.
I spent the next three days producing intricate digital drawings of this new world—the environment, building exteriors and interiors, some of the ephemera.
Then, because I really wanted to sell it to my art director and the rest of the team, I had my drawings printed as large posters and mounted to display boards, along with my renderings of the character inspired by Collie.
I thought that would show off everything in its best light.
On Thursday evening, Collie and I stood at the new table in the den, while one of my records played softly in the background.
I was packing my artwork into a large, zippered portfolio case, so it would be ready to go the next day.
“You did an amazing job,” Collie said, picking up each print and studying it before handing it to me.
“If they don’t see the brilliance in your work, there’s something wrong with them. ”
“I feel good about it, and I couldn’t have done it without you.”
He ducked his head shyly and mumbled, “I didn’t do anything.”
“Yes, you did. You brought me coffee, and kept me company, and helped me brainstorm. But more than anything, you inspired me.” I gently tilted his chin up with a fingertip, and when he looked at me I told him, “You really are my muse. I want you to know that.” I felt better when I was around him.
I was happier than I’d been in a very long time—maybe happier than I’d ever been—and that did wonderful things for my creativity.
Collie’s face lit up with a gorgeous smile. His hair was gathered into a stubby ponytail, but a lot of it had escaped. When I brushed a lock out of his eyes, he leaned into my touch.
My fingers lingered in his hair as both of us paused, watching each other… as if we were waiting for something to happen.
My gaze slid from his eyes to his mouth. He licked his lips.
I really wanted to kiss him. The thought of it made my heart race.
But in the next moment, he swayed a little and grabbed onto my sweatshirt, as if he was trying to stop himself from toppling over. My breath caught, and I blurted, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”
I picked him up, cradling him in my arms as I carried him to the bedroom. “I can see why. It’s been a long day.”
“It’s like, eight-thirty,” he grumbled. “I’m not ready for bed.”
“Nobody said you had to go to sleep, but I’m tired, too. Let’s relax and watch some TV.”
“Can we have some snacks?”
“Of course. Want some popcorn?” I was glad his appetite was returning.
Collie nodded. “And something sweet, maybe?”
I put him down on the bed and said, “Sure thing. I’ll be right back.”
I hurried to the kitchen, any thoughts of a kiss pushed to the back of my mind. This wasn’t the time to start anything. That had just been made crystal clear to me.
A few minutes later, I returned with a big bowl of popcorn, a pack of red licorice, and two cans of soda.
He was propped up by a huge mound of pillows, and he’d wrapped himself in his fuzzy purple blanket, so only his face was sticking out.
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, since you’ve been springing for all the groceries,” Collie said, “but do you think we can get some real soda next time, instead of this weird organic stuff that tastes vaguely like topsoil?”
“Real soda is bad for you.”
“But so is candy, and you agreed to buy that.”
“It’s a balancing act,” I said, as I put his drink and the candy on the nightstand and handed him the bowl. “Healthy soda and candy is less bad for you than regular soda and candy.”
“My mind knows you’re right. My taste buds have zero fucks to give.” As I circled around to my side of the bed and kicked off my shoes, he asked, “Does this popcorn have butter on it, or is it a big, giant air popped bowl of depression?”
“It’s buttered and salted. I’m not a monster.” I climbed onto the bed and rested my hand on the stuffed gator between us.
“That’s good at least.”
He clicked the remote and brought up a half-watched episode of a trashy reality dating show. “It’s my turn to pick what we watch,” I reminded him. “You picked last night.”
“You know you want to watch this. Quit acting like you’re not dying to see if the fuck boy ends up with the girl with fake boobs.” With that, he shoved a huge handful of popcorn into his mouth.
“You need to be a lot more specific. That’s every couple on this show.”
Despite myself, I ended up totally engrossed in the episode. A few minutes later, the cat jumped onto the bed and curled up at our feet. Collie grinned and muttered, “We need T-shirts.”
“What?”
He glanced at me. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. But since you asked, I was just thinking we need to have T-shirts made for our little, two-man broken hearts club.”
“I don’t think I’m following.”
“In my case, my heart was literally broken and needed to be repaired. But yours was broken too, figuratively speaking, by your ex. They’re different situations, obviously, but somehow the remedy for both is pretty much the same thing.
We both needed to give ourselves time to heal, and we definitely needed this self-care. ”
“I thought self-care meant drinking enough water, and exercising, and eating balanced meals…”
“It can also mean being nice to ourselves, and maybe a little indulgent. Junk food, cuddling up with a cat and a fuzzy blanket, and binging trashy TV shows all definitely qualify as forms of self-care.”
I wanted to argue that I was over my breakup. It was ancient history, with a year separating me from the bomb Bruce had dropped onto my life.
Except… maybe Collie was right. Maybe I was still healing. And maybe this was helping, because right now I felt incredibly good.