14. Miller
Miller
I left my meeting feeling like I was on top of the world. I was dying to tell Collie all about it, so I called him the moment I was out of the studio. When he answered, I exclaimed, “They loved it!”
“I knew they would! Tell me everything.”
“They thought my interpretation of retro-futurism was cool and interesting. I didn’t even have to sell them on it.”
“That’s because your ideas and drawings were brilliant. What else did they say?”
“They loved the character, too. They thought he felt fresh and unique for this genre.”
“Nice! So, there’s nothing they wanted to change?”
“Nope. My art director’s only suggestion was that the character needs some kind of cute, mechanical sidekick, so I’ll have to come up with some designs for a little robot friend.
After that, I’ll be working on concept art for the rest of the stuff in this world—different settings, supporting characters, vehicles, all the odds and ends. ”
“That sounds fun.”
“It definitely will be.”
After a slight pause, he said, “There’s something I need to tell you, but I’ll wait until you get home. Where are you right now?”
“I’m in the stairwell, on my way to the parking garage. I’ll see you in about twenty minutes.”
I almost suggested going out to dinner to celebrate, but I wasn’t sure if he was well enough.
Collie would say he was, and it had been a full month since his surgery, but he still seemed fragile.
He got tired really easily, and he barely had an appetite.
His sternum was still healing, too. Given all of that, a night on the town was probably a bit much at this point.
I drove home with the top down. It was the beginning of October, and the weather was glorious. I was glad my Friday meeting had been scheduled a little earlier than usual, because I was more than ready to get my weekend started.
When I rounded the corner onto my street, I saw that Collie’s big, purple van was parked at the curb. My first thought was that he probably wanted us to take it to the beach this weekend, so he didn’t want me to park behind it and box it in.
I pulled the car into the empty garage and climbed the stairs. He was waiting for me in the kitchen, and his expression was so serious that I blurted, “What’s wrong? Are Jeannie and the baby okay?”
“They’re fine. She’s still in labor. She asked Dwight to text me a few minutes ago with an update.”
“Okay, good. I was worried.”
His expression was still grave. “I confirmed that her husband is having an affair.”
“How did you do that?”
“I called Brad’s boss and tricked him into telling me the truth. Jeannie doesn’t know yet. I have no idea if Brad is going to come clean or try to deny it when he gets home, but I’m obviously going to tell her what I found out.”
“Do you think she’ll leave him?”
“I know she will. That’s why I have to go help her.”
“Today?” He nodded, and I said, “Okay. Give me a few minutes to pack a bag and make arrangements for the cat.”
Collie looked startled. “Are you saying you’re coming with me?”
“Of course. Jeannie’s your family, so I know you need to be there for her at a time like this. But you haven’t been cleared to drive yet, Collie.”
“Technically, no. But I was supposed to see my doctor next week, and I’m sure she would have signed off on it. It’s been four weeks since my surgery, and that’s how long you’re supposed to wait before driving.”
“It’s generally four to six weeks on average, and I doubt she’d clear you yet, especially for an eleven-hour road trip. You’re not fully healed, and you know how easily you get tired.”
“I guess you’re right, and it’s really sweet that you’re willing to drive me. But how are you going to get back?”
“We’ll drive back together. I know you’ll want to stay longer than just the weekend, and that’s fine. I’ll pack my drawing tablet and laptop and work from there next week. Then we can come back next weekend.”
“Miller… I’m not coming back.”
“What?” I’d heard what he said. I just couldn’t quite process it.
“I’m moving back to Idaho, so I can help Jeannie.”
“She literally just told you not to keep putting your life on hold for other people.”
“Of course she’s going to say that, and she’d never admit she needs help.
But she has four kids under eight to take care of, including a newborn!
It’s too much for one person. And right now, her main support system is Brad’s family.
What if they side with him in the divorce?
If that happens, she’ll be totally on her own. ”
“I get it, but she doesn’t want you to give up on your dream of living in San Francisco. Neither do I. You just got here, Collie.”
“I know,” he said softly, “but this isn’t about me.
It’s about Jeannie, and like you said, she’s my family.
” He looked up at me and tried to smile, but there was heartbreak in his eyes.
“Besides, I got to have my adventure. I made it to San Francisco, and I met you. And just so you know, this definitely isn’t goodbye.
You’re going to be a part of my life forever, Miller. ”
My mind was reeling. I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to tell him I needed him, but that was selfish, given what Jeannie was going through.
Instead, I said, “I can probably stay in Idaho for two weeks, before my boss tells me I have to come into the studio. At that point I’ll figure out how to get myself to Boise, and I’ll fly home from there.”
Even though I said that, I held on to the hope that something would happen—that things would work out in a way we hadn’t expected, and we’d get to come back to San Francisco together.
I couldn’t stand the idea of Collie walking away from his dream of living here, from the life he wanted for himself… from me.
But right now, he needed to be by his best friend’s side, and I was going to make sure he got there safely.
It turned out that none of my friends were available to watch the cat on short notice, so we wrestled her into a carrier and brought her with us. She had much more stuff than I did, since I’d packed her food, treats, bowls, toys, litter box, and three pet beds, all of which she’d probably shun.
The van was stuffed full, between all of Collie’s things, and the cat’s, and my two relatively small bags. I asked him, “How did you get everything into the van, when you’re not supposed to lift anything over ten pounds?” He’d been totally ready to go by the time I got home.
“I called JoJo to say goodbye, and she came over with Vee and Ro and helped me pack. I’m really going to miss them.” His voice broke as he whispered, “I’m going to miss everything.”
As we left San Francisco, Collie began to cry. It made my heart ache. I wanted to hold him and comfort him, but I was behind the wheel, inching us along through Friday afternoon traffic.
I didn’t even know what to say to make him feel better. I wanted to tell him something might happen, something like Jeannie and her husband reconciling, so Collie wouldn’t have to stay. But it felt like false hope.
I snuck a look at Collie as traffic ground to a halt. His fuzzy purple blanket was wrapped around him, and he was hugging a throw pillow and the smallest of his stuffed gators to his chest.
He was sweet, and adorable, and unlike anyone I’d ever met.
When exactly had I started falling for him?
And what the hell was I going to do about it now?
If I was being honest with myself, the answer to that first question was that I’d been falling for him all along. But I hadn’t told him how I felt, and I hadn’t acted on those feelings.
That was partly because I was afraid of starting another relationship. I didn’t know if I had it in me to try again, or to open my heart to anyone else. I thought I’d been hurt too badly, and that I was far too broken. If only I’d been braver.
It would have been bad timing, though. Collie had spent the last month going through a major medical ordeal, and he’d needed to put his energy into healing. Maybe if we’d had more time…
Traffic started to move, so I eased off the brake and let the van roll forward. We only gained a matter of inches. When we stopped, I glanced at him again.
I’d almost kissed him last night. But right before I leaned in, Collie started to sway and grabbed onto me for support. It was a reminder that he was still fragile, and far from fully recovered. I’d picked him up and carried him to bed, and the moment passed.
Had that been my last chance?
I couldn’t kiss him now, because it would seem manipulative—like I was trying to make him choose between me and his best friend, or like I was trying to give him another reason to come back to San Francisco.
Leaving had been hard enough for him without that added complication.
I lasted until midnight, and then I absolutely had to stop for the night. I checked us into a roadside motel and brought the cat and some of her stuff inside before returning for Collie. He stirred a little as I scooped him up—blanket, pillow, alligator, and all—and brought him into the room.
I tossed back the covers with one hand, sat him on the bed, and took off his shoes before hurrying outside for a couple of our bags. When I came back into the room, he was sound asleep.
After I quickly set up the litter box, a pet bed, and her food and water bowls, I released the cat from the carrier and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Five minutes later, I fell onto the mattress in my T-shirt and briefs. It had been an extraordinarily long day, and I was exhausted.
I didn’t fall asleep right away, though. Instead, I rolled onto my side and studied Collie in the semi-darkness.
We’d gotten the last available room, and it only had one bed. Wasn’t that the set-up for half the romance novels ever written? And yet here we were, stuck in the friend zone for all of eternity.
When I woke up the next morning, Collie and the cat were missing, but he’d left a note on the nightstand. It said: Kate and I are going for a walk. We’ll bring back brekkie from the place next door. Be back soon.
I took a quick shower and got dressed. Just as I was about to go look for him, Collie and the cat breezed into the room. He’d managed to get her into the harness and leash I’d bought months ago. She’d almost killed me the one time I tried to put it on her, but now she was strutting along happily.
Collie smiled at me and said, “I guess I was pretty out of it last night, because I don’t remember checking into a motel.”
He was carrying a shopping bag, and he put it on the table by the window before unfastening the cat’s leash.
She jumped onto the bed and glared at me as I told him, “Yeah, you barely woke up when I brought you inside. I know you’re in a hurry to get to Jeannie, but I was too tired to drive through the night. ”
“It’s fine. Check it out.” He pulled up something on his phone and handed it to me. It turned out to be a photo of Jeannie holding an adorable little baby. She looked exhausted and sweat drenched, but she was beaming with pure joy.
He sounded emotional when he said, “She named the baby Colleen Susan. Colleen is meant to be a feminine version of my name, and Susan is for my aunt. I can’t even tell you what that means to me, and what it would have meant to Aunt Sue.”
“That’s really cool.”
“It is, and mama and baby are both doing great. Also, Dwight stayed by her side for the entire delivery. I’m so glad she didn’t go through that alone.”
As we took a seat around the table, I asked, “When did you talk to her?”
“About half an hour ago, when I was on my walk. It turns out Brad got there a couple of hours after the baby was born, and he confessed everything when Jeannie confronted him. He apologized, but he also said he’s in love with his girlfriend, and that he’d been planning on ending his marriage after the baby was born. ”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. She told Brad she wants him and his stuff out of the house today, before she gets home from the hospital.”
“Does she seem okay?”
“Jeannie was acting really matter-of-fact about the whole thing, but I know she’s deeply hurt,” he said. “At some point it’s all going to catch up to her, and she’ll break down and cry her eyes out. But that might be a day or two down the road.”
“Does she know you’re on the way?”
“Yup. She yelled at me at first, until I told her I wasn’t driving. Also, she thinks I’m just coming for a visit. She’ll be mad when she finds out I’m moving back, but eventually she’ll realize it’s for the best.”
As Collie unpacked two coffees and a couple of breakfast sandwiches, I asked, “Are you sure you should move back if she doesn’t want you to?”
“Definitely. Jeannie’s the type of person who could have a house fall down on top of her and still be like, ‘no, no, I’ve got this. I don’t need your help.’ Uh, yeah you do, sis.”
After we ate, we gathered our stuff and got back on the road. This time, Collie and the cat curled up together on the passenger seat. I was surprised she was so calm about this whole thing. The few times I’d tried to take her somewhere, she’d acted like I was trying to kill her.
Collie fished around in the glove box and produced a mix tape, which he popped into the van’s cassette player.
His taste in music wasn’t quite as retro as mine, but it was all older stuff—The Cure, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello.
When I commented on it, he said, “I got my taste from Aunt Sue. She always had music playing, and this is what she loved. She got no complaints from me, obviously. This stuff is awesome.”
Then he shifted around in his seat and tucked his feet under him as he told me, “I might end up dozing off again. It happens whenever I’m on the road and not the one driving. If so, I apologize in advance for being such boring company.”
“It’s fine.”
“Could you wake me up when we get close to Boise? We’ll be passing right by it on our way to my hometown, and I want to stop off and buy some gifts for Jeannie and the kids.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Five minutes later he was sound asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts.