15. Collie
Collie
We rolled into Boise in the early afternoon, and I gave Miller directions to a huge shopping center. “Man,” he murmured, as we parked in the lot, “I haven’t been to a mall in years.”
“I used to come here a lot, especially when I was a teenager.”
Miller grinned at me. “Okay, so clearly, you’re a vampire. You claim to be twenty-seven, but your musical taste and the fact that you were a mall rat in your teens suggests otherwise. Plus, you use a parasol when you spend time in the sun. That’s a real tip-off.”
“This isn’t the first time someone’s accused me of that.”
I climbed into the back of the van and found my messenger bag. As I folded an old T-shirt and stuck it in the bottom, Miller asked, “What are you doing?”
“Building a makeshift pet purse. Kate wants to come inside with us.”
“Does she?”
“Well, we can’t leave her in the van.”
“I mean, we could. It’s not hot out, and we’re parked in the shade.”
“It’s not that,” I said. “She’d be lonely.”
I placed the cat in the bag, and she settled in comfortably with her head sticking out the top. When I reached for the strap, Miller told me, “I’ll carry her. You’re not supposed to lift anything.”
“She doesn’t weigh that much.”
He picked up the cat-stuffed messenger bag and said, “Just let me do it.”
We climbed out of the van, and after I locked up, I turned to him and chuckled. He’d put the strap around the back of his neck instead of carrying it crossbody-style, so the bag was positioned in front of him like a kangaroo pouch. Miller frowned at me when I told him, “You look adorable.”
“I look like I’m nuts.”
“Well, the good news is, you probably won’t run into anyone you know.”
As we crossed the lot, he said, “True, but if someone takes a picture of me and I wind up as a meme, it’ll be your fault.”
When we stepped through the doors, I said, “I have so many good memories of this place. It was a big day out when Aunt Sue would bring me here.”
“Where do you want to go first?”
“The food court, of course.”
Once I’d bought both of us a giant soft pretzel and an Orange Julius, we began to wander around the mall. “I want to get something for Jeannie, something for the baby, and a present for each of her kids, so they don’t feel left out,” I said.
“How old are the kids?”
“Scotty is seven. He’s surprisingly serious for a little kid, and I completely adore him. He likes books and science, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to end up working for NASA.”
“How do you think he’s going to react to his parents’ divorce?”
I considered the question before saying, “I don’t expect it to be easy on any of them, but in a way, it might almost be a relief for Scotty.
His dad was always trying to push him into sports, but he’s just not that kind of kid.
Maybe the divorce will make Brad back off a little, so Scotty can just be Scotty. ”
He nodded. “I get what you’re saying.”
“His sister Allie is six. She’s an amazing artist. I want to find her a cool paint set, or one of those huge boxes of Crayons with a million colors.
She’ll love that. And Maddy is three and a half, and a total wild child.
Her interests include screaming, running around, and trying to get into everything.
Whatever we get her needs to be indestructible. ”
Miller glanced at me and said, “I can tell how much these kids mean to you. It must have been hard to move away from them.”
“It broke my heart, but I felt like I was leading by example. I wanted them to see it was possible to leave Hickson and follow your dreams.” Although I was pretty much cancelling out that message by moving back a few weeks later…
“Hold up. Your hometown is called Hickson?”
“I know. It’s perfect, because it’s such a hick town.” I stopped walking and gestured at a holiday-themed window display. “What in the Jack Skellington is happening here? It’s the beginning of October, so this should be decorated for Halloween, not Christmas!”
“Yeah, it’s way too early.”
Once we finished our snacks, I led the way to a store that was half kids’ clothes and half unique toys and books.
I squealed with delight as I hugged a giant teddy bear.
Then we began our search for the perfect gifts.
In just a few minutes, I found a book about space for Scotty, a nice watercolor set for Allie, and a tough looking rideable bouncy horse for the toddler.
As we picked out a couple of adorable outfits for the baby, Miller asked me, “Do you think you want to be a parent someday?”
“Probably. But it’ll be way down the road, like in ten years or something. I love kids, but for now I’m good with being a guncle to Jeannie’s gang.”
“Guncle?”
“Haven’t you heard that expression? It means a fun, gay uncle. What about you, do you want to be a dad?”
“Maybe in a few years. Bruce wanted kids right away, so I went along with it for his sake. But I didn’t really think I was ready, not at this point in my life.”
“Well, you can be a fun gay uncle too, and spoil Jeannie’s kids with me.” Something occurred to me just then, and I asked, “Didn’t you say you have older sisters?”
“Three of them.”
“Do any of them have kids?”
“They all do. They have eight between them.”
“So, you’re an uncle for real.”
“I am, although I’ve never met any of my nieces and nephews.”
“Why is that?”
Miller shrugged as if it was no big deal, but the pain in his eyes told a different story.
“Because my sisters are even more homophobic than my parents, if that’s possible.
Actually, they barely wanted anything to do with me in the first place.
They were all teenagers by the time my parents adopted me, and they tolerated me at first. But then, when I came out, it was kind of like I’d given them the excuse they’d been looking for to cut me out of their lives. ”
“That’s really awful.”
“It was, but I get it, in a way,” he said. “They had to spend their whole lives hearing how disappointed their father was that he never had a son. Then their parents adopted me. From their perspective, I can’t imagine that felt very good.”
“It’s still messed up to shun you, though.”
“The whole family is messed up, which is why I don’t talk to my parents anymore.”
“Was that your choice?”
“Ultimately, yes. I kept trying to maintain some sort of relationship with them, but the last straw was when I invited them to my wedding. They refused to come, because they said they couldn’t condone my sinful lifestyle.” He made air quotes with his fingers at those last two words.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“You really are better off without them.”
“I totally agree.”
“It’s surprising to me that you chose to come out at sixteen, with a family like that,” I said.
“It wasn’t really a choice. My mom was snooping in my room and found my well-hidden journal.
Everything in it was perfectly innocent, except that I’d mentioned having a crush on this boy at school.
She took it straight to my father, and then the two of them brought it to our minister.
It turned into this total shit show, but instead of trying to deny it, I went the other route.
I came out publicly. I refused to act like I was ashamed of who I was. ”
“That’s really brave.”
“I didn’t feel brave. I felt like I was backed into a corner.” He picked up a little terrycloth giraffe and changed the subject by asking, “Do you think the baby would like this?”
When I said, “I think she’d love it,” he added it to our shopping basket.
As I watched him wander over to a display of children’s books, I thought about what he’d just told me about his family.
I knew trust didn’t come easily to him, and I’d assumed that was because of the way his last relationship ended.
But it went even deeper than that. His family hadn’t taught him about unconditional love, and they hadn’t made him feel safe and secure.
Just the opposite. Some of the most important people in his life had shown him he couldn’t rely on anyone but himself.
Somehow though, he’d let me slip through his defenses. I knew he cared about me, and I really believed he trusted me, too. The more I learned about Miller, the more I realized how huge that was.
Maybe he and I would have built our friendship into something more if I’d stayed in San Francisco, even though he kept saying he was done with relationships. It seemed like a very real possibility, since there’d always been that spark between us.
Wasn’t there? Or was it one-sided, nothing more than wishful thinking on my part?
I needed to know. Otherwise I’d spend the rest of my life wondering.
I looked around for Miller. The store was almost empty, except for us and two salespeople, who were chatting up at the register.
After a moment, I discovered he was checking out an elaborate Christmas display at the very back of the store. He put down the shopping basket, placed the cat and her bag on a chair, and rubbed the back of his neck as he watched a model train circle a tiny village.
I noticed something else, too. He was standing under a faux pine archway decorated with white lights, ornaments… and plastic sprigs of mistletoe.
I decided to take that as a sign—or at the very least, an opportunity. My heartbeat sped up as I hurried over to Miller and touched his hand. When he turned to me, I felt nervous all of a sudden. I pointed upward and flashed a huge smile, trying to sound playful as I said, “Oh look. Mistletoe.”
He grinned and leaned in. My breath caught as his lips met mine. The kiss was soft. Tender.
And then it caught fire.
We grabbed onto each other clumsily, almost desperately. I sank into him, parting my lips as he all but devoured me. I’d never been kissed like that, not once in my entire life. My head spun, and my entire body responded. I wanted to let it sweep me up, carry me along like an ocean current—
And then I suddenly remembered where we were.
I made myself step back, but only by a few inches. Miller looked as startled as I felt. I took a deep breath, steadying myself by resting my hand against his chest. His heart was racing, just like mine was.
I wasn’t sure what to say or do.
Then Miller looked past me and muttered, “Shit, the cat’s making a break for it.”
He ran after Kate, who’d jumped out of her carrier and was striding through the store like she owned the place. He caught her and put her back in the messenger bag, which he hung around his neck. “We should get going,” he said. “She’s not going to tolerate much more of this.”
The cat looked up at him and meowed, as if to confirm what he’d said. I nodded and tried to reply, but my mind was scrambled.
I had my answer. I’d just found out that Miller wanted me as much as I wanted him.
But what was I supposed to do with this information?