Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
LIVIANNA/LILY
Now
The Calm That Settles Too Fast
Every answer he gives me leads to another feeling I can’t explain.
Jaxon swallows hard and averts his gaze. “I was just remembering something.”
He’s sitting on a couch in my office and I’m standing near him, trying to get him to look at a document about the terms I presented to Marcus Chen and his team.
I place the papers down on the coffee table and sit in a chair next to him. “Would you like to share?”
He raises his eyes to meet mine. “Livianna, if I thought it would help, I would tell you everything.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He lowers his head. “Nothing important.”
“Please don’t lie to me.”
There’s a moment of silence.
He sits straight, lifting his head high. “Okay, it’s important to me, but I’m not in the position to…”
I study his contorted face. “What? Just tell me what you meant.”
“It’s just something I need to deal with on my own.” He stands and peers down at me. “I need to grab some lunch. Would you like to join me?”
“As long as you’ll let me pay.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why?”
“Because I said no.” Something in his tone tells me not to push.
In most cases, I would just to see how far I could go, but I don’t have that urge with him.
I tilt my head. “Jaxon?”
“Yes, Livianna.”
“Are you always this bossy?”
He smiles at that. “When the situation calls for it, yes.”
“Then so be it.” I laugh a little to ease the tension. “What are you in the mood to eat?”
“You pick.” He holds out his hand.
I take it and he helps me up. “Jaxon, I would, but I don’t know this area. What’s good that’s nearby?”
“There’s a Thai place we love. How does that sound?”
“Great. I haven’t had Thai in…” My mind goes blank. “I don’t know how long it’s been.”
“Then, no time like the present.” He gestures toward the door. “Ladies first.”
We leave my office with me replaying his suggestion. He said we’re going to a place we love. Just how often did we go out to lunch?
When we get to the hallway, he points to his office. “Do you mind waiting while I get my jacket? My wallet is in it.”
“Of course not.”
He rushes off as I try to make a connection to this Thai place. I can’t, and that’s the problem.
I rest against the wall, staring at the floor. The doctor told me not to stress over my lost memories, but I don’t know how I can’t.
My phone dings with an incoming message. I take it out of my purse, and my heart swells when I see Callum’s name light up the screen.
Callum: Can’t stop thinking about you. How’s everything going today?
Me: Better than I expected. How’s the album coming along?
Callum: I can’t focus on anything but you. How’s that for an answer?
A smile breaks free. I get ready to respond but Jaxon comes back.
“Ready?”
I slip my phone back in my purse. “Yes, I’m starving.”
“Good, because this restaurant serves enough to feed a small army.”
We stroll the three blocks to the restaurant in comfortable, meaningless conversation about the weather and the area. Jaxon points out spots I might be interested in.
The sun warms my face, and I catch myself matching his stride without thinking about it. It’s like my body knows the rhythm of walking beside him even when my mind doesn’t.
The Thai restaurant is tucked between a coffee shop and a bookstore, its red door painted with gold accents. The moment we step inside, a sliver of something flashes on the screen of my mind, like a memory I can’t quite grasp.
“Table for two?” The hostess grins at us with recognition in her eyes. “Your usual table?”
Jaxon glances at me before answering. “Please.”
She leads us to a corner booth near the windows, and I slide into the seat that somehow feels right. It’s like I’ve sat here before, looked out this exact window, and felt this same wooden table beneath my palms.
“Do we come here often?” I place my purse beside me.
“We used to.” He picks up the menu, but doesn’t open it. “The Pad Thai is excellent, and their Green Curry is the best I’ve had outside of Thailand.”
The server appears with water glasses. “Good to see you again, Mr. Crowne. And you too, Livianna. It’s been a while.”
My rib cage clamps around me. I’ve been here before with Jaxon. Multiple times, apparently.
“Hi.” I pretend I remember her. “It’s good to be back.”
Jaxon orders without looking at the menu. “We’ll have the spring rolls to start, the Pad Thai with shrimp, and the Green Curry with chicken. Mild spice on both, please.”
The server writes it down and leaves.
I stare at him across the table. “How did you know what I wanted?”
He freezes, his expression neutral. “I just got done telling you what’s good here. I thought that was an obvious choice.”
“You ordered exactly what I would’ve ordered. Down to the mild spice and the spring rolls.”
“Livianna—”
“Just how often did we come here?” I lean forward.
He doesn’t answer, and the silence is more than I can bear.
I should feel unsettled by another gap in my memory, but instead, I feel something else entirely. Safe. Comfortable. Like being with him is the most natural thing in the world.
“Jaxon?” I wrap my hands around my water glass. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Of course.”
“I get the feeling we’re close.”
He rests back against the booth. “That’s not a question.”
“All right, then. Are we close?”
“Very.” His stare lingers, weighted and full of something I can’t read.
My stomach flips. My gaze is hooked with his. I should look away and break contact, but I…don’t want to.
Why the fuck am I toying with this…? What the fuck is happening?
I shift from the intensity. “Tell me about our relationship.”
“What do you want to know?”
“How long have we been friends?”
“Friends.” He glances down for a beat, straightening the napkin in his lap. “Our relationship started when you approached me in Paris.”
“Paris.” I release a small, frustrated puff of air. “I’m sure it was magical.”
His gaze darts to mine. “Why do you sound annoyed?”
“Because I’m sure it was everything I’ve ever dreamed about.”
“It was.”
“I should go there.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Maybe I would remember something if I went back.”
He scoots toward me as if he wants to reach across the table for me. “If you want, I could take you there. We could take my jet, and I could show you around.”
“Yeah, that could—” My phone vibrates in my purse. “Excuse me, Jaxon. I’ve got to check to see who that is.”
I take it out and read the text message.
Callum: Do you want me to pick you up and take you out to lunch?
Me: No, that won’t be necessary.
Callum: I don’t like being away from you. Let me take a break from the band and come pick you up.
Me: Sorry, love. I’m already eating.
Callum: Do you want company?
Me: No, Jaxon is with me. Get back to your work and pick me up when you’re done.
I’m getting ready to put my phone away, thinking our conversation is over. It buzzes again. I peek at the message.
Callum: I love you, Lily. Being with you last night was everything I’ve been missing.
Me: I love you, too. And stop talking about sex while I’m having lunch with Jaxon. I don’t want him thinking I’m sexting you.
Callum: Why? I’m not embarrassed about what we do together.
I shake my head and slip my phone back into my purse. I’ll deal with Callum later.
“Sorry, Jaxon. Callum was just checking on me.”
“No problem.” Jaxon lifts his finger, catching our server’s attention.
She rushes over. “Yes, Mr. Crowne.”
“Would you please get me a whiskey neat and Livianna a glass of Sauvignon Blanc?”
“Yes. I’ll be right back.” She turns on her heels and goes to the bar.
I raise my eyebrows. “So, we drink when we have lunch together?”
“Only a glass, but if you don’t want—”
“It’s fine, Jaxon. I’m just trying to piece my life together.”
“I apologize.” His shoulders roll forward. “I should’ve asked.”
“Probably, but I forgive you.” I send him a warm smile. “Tell me more about yourself.”
“There’s not much to tell.”
“The notorious Jaxon Crowne has nothing to share?” I roll my eyes. “If we’re friends, why not tell me what I want to know?”
Something strange floats through his eyes. Pain, maybe. “Livianna, I’ve never been good at this part.”
“What part is that?”
He gestures between us. “Opening up to you.”
“Oh. Does that mean we’re not friends? Are we just close business acquaintances?”
“No, we’re…friends. I just don’t know how to be a good one.”
“Then let’s fix that.”
He huffs. “How?”
“Open up to me now.”
He stares at me like a scared child. Before I can address it, he shifts closer to me.
“You know what, Livianna? It’s time. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
“Great.” I pick the thing I want to know about the most. “Do you have someone special in your life?”
He tilts his head, his eyes locked with mine. “I did.”
“Did?”
“Yes, but I still love her.”
My heart squeezes for some unknown reason. “What happened that ended it?”
He’s quiet for a few beats. He runs his palm over his chest, like he’s soothing an ache as he shifts around.
“I lost her and our child in a car accident.” The love and agony in his voice can’t be mistaken.
My soul hurts for him. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Jaxon. That’s terrible.”
“Thanks. I have to believe she’s in a better place.” He rests his hands on the table as if grounding himself. “I’m no good for her, so maybe it’s better this way.”
I don’t know what to say, so I reach out and place my hand over his. “Don’t say that.”
“Why? It’s true. Otherwise, fate would’ve let us be together.”
My throat tightens. Grief is the worst and I know that all too well.
I swallow the lump that’s blocking my words. “If she had the choice, I’m sure she would be with you.”
He nods slowly, then looks down at our hands. His entire body softens, and something about it is gut-wrenching.
“Jaxon, we don’t need to talk about this anymore. I can see how much it hurts you, and I don’t wish anyone pain.”
He pulls his hand out from mine and peers over at me. “Any kind of discomfort I have is all my own doing.”