37. Chapter 37 #2
“I know you thought you were doing the right thing—helping me, even.” I shook my head. “But knowing why you did it doesn’t change the fact that it was mine to handle.”
“No,” he said quietly. “It doesn’t.”
“My mother died trying to get me free when I was thirteen. She still believed there was a life outside that compound worth fighting for, and I watched her die trying to reach it.” I swallowed hard.
“Mamá raised me on stories about her family. She told me they would love me because I was hers. I should’ve been the one to tell them what happened to her.
I should have been allowed to decide whether I wanted to tell them everything or nothing.
Maybe I would have called them the second you told me they wanted to know me.
Maybe I would have been terrified and needed months before I could do it.
I don’t know what I would have chosen because you made sure I never got to find out. ”
When Nik finally spoke, his voice was quieter than I’d ever heard it.
“You’re right, Isabella. Everything you just said is true.”
He glanced briefly toward Lachlan, then back at me.
“I told myself that if I verified every fact first, I could spare you another lie. I thought if I knew exactly who these people were, what they wanted, and whether they could be trusted, then I could put the truth in front of you without exposing you to another kind of danger.”
His usual certainty was gone.
“I found the information you asked me to find, and then I went beyond that because I believed I knew the safest way to handle it for you.”
He rubbed one hand over his mouth and looked away for a second.
“I am sorry. Not because this has become a problem I need to fix, and not because Lachlan is furious with me. I’m sorry because you trusted me to find answers for you, and I used that trust to make decisions that were never mine.”
I believed him.
That was the awful part.
There was no monster standing in front of me. No cruelty I could point to and hate. Nik had wanted to protect me and had managed to hurt me in a way no one could repair.
“I don’t know what I feel about you right now. I need time.”
“Then take it. I won’t contact them again or tell them anything else about you unless you ask me to.”
“Thank you.”
I turned to Lachlan.
He’d stayed where he was through everything I said to Nik, because he understood that was between Nik and me, but it had cost him to stand there and do nothing.
His eyes were red. A tear had made its way down one cheek and into his beard, and he’d made no attempt to wipe it away.
I crossed over to him and took his hand.
His fingers closed around mine.
“Lachlan.”
“I’m so sorry, Mouse.” His voice was rough. “I knew Nik was looking into the Draviks. I should’ve asked what the hell he was doing instead of assuming he understood where the line was.”
“How could you possibly have known he would do this? I’m the one who asked him to investigate them.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better about it.”
“I know.” I tightened my fingers around his. “But what I just learned changes everything about where I go from here, and before I can even begin to figure that out, I need you to understand what you’ve been to me.”
“The first time I heard your voice, men were torturing you. You could have made it stop by giving them what they wanted, and you refused because innocent women would have paid the price. You didn’t even know I was listening, Lachlan.
There was no one there for you to impress. That was simply who you were.”
His thumb moved once across my knuckles.
“When I came into that cellar, you had no reason to trust me, but you let me help you anyway. You kept your promise to me and the one you made to Rafael while he was dying. You got me out of that place when leaving me would have been easier and safer for you.”
I stepped a little closer to him.
“And when you make love to me, you don’t touch me like something that needs to be repaired.
You know exactly what men did to me, and your hands still move over me like every inch of my body is something you want.
You don’t make me feel damaged or fragile.
You make me feel like a woman you can’t get enough of. ”
His eyes closed for a second.
“The way you kiss me—” Heat mixed with the tears on my face, but I refused to look away. “You make me feel as though I’m the only woman in the world when we’re together. Not someone you rescued. Not someone you have to be careful with. A woman you want.”
Another tear slipped down his cheek.
“You don’t owe me anything for any of it.”
“I know.” I squeezed his hand. “That’s part of the problem. My heart wants to stay right here with you. But my head is so full I can barely sort one feeling from another.”
“I found out Rafael was my father and then lost him almost immediately. The man I’d believed was my father my entire life died horribly.
I escaped the only home I’d ever known, even if it was never really a home, and came to a country I’d only read about.
In a matter of days, everything changed.
I was free. I had friends. I had people willing to help me.
I had you, and everything that happened between us.
” I shook my head. “I haven’t even had time to grieve Rafael properly, much less figure out where I go from here. ”
He lifted my hand, pressed a slow kiss to my fingers, then lowered our joined hands without letting go.
“And now, on top of everything else, my mother’s family not only knows about me; they want to speak to me.” My voice began to shake again. “These are people my mother loved, people who knew her before Ciro ever touched her life.”
I paused, searching for the words.
“I only just chose my own last name a few days ago. I barely know who Isabella Duarte is yet, and now there’s another possible life waiting across an ocean.”
“You don’t have to figure any of that out today. But I do think you should consider getting to know them. They spent a long time searching for your mother. If they’re anything like the family Eliana told you about, they’re going to want you in their lives.”
“I think I do want to know them.” Saying it out loud made everything that could come with that suddenly real, and that scared the hell out of me. “I just don’t know what that means yet.”
“Neither do I.”
Then his thumb went still against my knuckles.
“But it changes something important, Mouse.”
“What?”
He hesitated, and I knew before he answered that I wasn’t going to like whatever came next.
“You have somewhere else to go now.”
I frowned. “You already told me I had options. Nobody here ever told me I had to stay.”
“That’s not what I mean.” He looked down at our joined hands.
“Nik, Lacey, me, Scarlett, Lucian—we’re all part of the same world.
Since you came out of La Cruzona, every safe place, every bit of protection, every dollar you’ve had access to has come through one of us.
I told you that you were free to go anywhere, but I’m still the one giving you the means to do it. ”
I waited.
“The Draviks are yours. Your blood. Your mother’s family. If you want them, you could have family, money, protection, and somewhere to belong completely outside my world.” His eyes met mine. “You wouldn’t need me for any of it.”
Something in the way he said it made my stomach drop. Until then, I thought we were talking about all the new pieces of my life I had to sort through. Suddenly, it sounded as though Lachlan was explaining why I might be better off building that life without him.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you need to know it.”
“I do know it. I’m standing here trying to tell you I don’t know what any of it means for my future yet.”
“And I’m saying there’s no rush to figure it out.” He took a breath. “But I don’t want you building the rest of your life around me before you’ve had a chance to find out what your options are.”
That hurt.
“Do you think that’s what I’ve been doing?”
“I think you’ve been free for five days.”
I pulled my hand slightly against his, but he didn’t let go.
“You told me you wanted to stay with me on the side of a mountain a few hours after Rafael died, before you’d had one ordinary day of freedom.”
“And?”
“And every selfish part of me wants to take you at your word, bring you home, put you in my bed, and never ask another fucking question about it.”
My heart kicked hard against my ribs.
“Then what’s stopping you?”
“Making sure I don’t become another cage simply because mine feels better than Ciro’s did.”
I stared at him.
That was so far from how I saw him that for a second I couldn’t answer.
“You are nothing like Ciro.”
“I know I’m not.” His voice roughened. “But look at the reality, Isabella. My life is The Syndicate, Xyst, guns, enemies, and men who settle problems in ways your grandparents would never want for their granddaughter. You’ve been in Manhattan two days.
You haven’t had time to find out whether you even like the place, much less whether you want my world wrapped around the rest of your life. ”
Somehow the conversation had shifted while I wasn’t watching.
I had been telling him I was overwhelmed.
He was starting to sound as though he was giving me reasons to leave.
“Are you trying to tell me I’d be better off with them?”
“I’m telling you they can give you things I can’t.”
“That isn’t what I asked.”
His jaw tightened.
“Maybe they can give you a safer, happier life than I can.”
There it was.
“You think I should go.”
“No. Christ, Mouse, that’s not what I said.”
“It’s what it sounds like.”
He reached for me with his free hand, then stopped before touching me.
“I believe what’s between us is real. I believe it so much that the thought of you walking away from me makes me fucking sick.”
The words stopped some of the anger building inside me.
“But I also know how we got here,” he continued. “We met in a dungeon. You were my way out, and I became yours. Since then, every time your world falls apart, I’m the man standing there telling you I can fix it.”