Chapter 30
The Way to Want
T am, with every bit of self-restraint he possessed, waited, suspending his previous activity of kissing Eli senseless. But with every breath he scraped together, his next step became more obvious. Though he somewhat begrudged his mental faculties for bringing it to light.
Pressing himself off the wall, Tam took a step back, leaving Eli slumped there on her own, her expression still dazed.
“Pardon me, I’ll… I’ll step outside for a while. You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to, and I won’t do something like that again. If you want to ask for an apology, that will be as much of an answer as I’ll need. I hope you’ll understand my avoidance in the future.”
Then he turned and walked away. Even though his feet felt leaden and his heart was racing, he forced himself to put as much distance as possible from his assistant, and left the house entirely. He managed to stop in the courtyard beside Bong who sat with his legs crossed and his eyes closed, facing the plum tree. He didn’t announce his arrival, just took a steadying breath and focused on the sound of the warm breeze rustling the budding tree, and the songs of the birds…
“Everything alright, Tam?” Bong asked peacefully.
“Maybe. I hope so, anyway. But…” Tam let out an agitated sigh. “I don’t know why I don’t seem to be as cautious and collected as I usually am.”
Despite his eyes still being closed, Bong smiled. “Have you ever wanted something for yourself, Tam?”
The future duke stilled, then squared himself to Bong. “Of course I have. Who hasn’t? It’s why I have more books than shelf space.”
Bong finally looked over at Tam, a calm knowingness settled around his features.
“You’ve never wanted something that required you to open yourself up, or that meant a lot to you.”
Tam frowned. That didn’t sound right…
“I used to be like you in a lot of ways,” Bong continued. “I believed I had to do everything in my power to live up to my father, or even to surpass him. I had the honor of our family to uphold, and I will one day have to manage everything.” The Zinferan sighed. “Since childhood, I have keenly felt how little time I had to learn and improve. It seemed an impossible goal.” Bong’s eyes drifted thoughtfully down to the ground. “And then one day when I was twenty-three, after years of studying endlessly, pushing myself to a breaking point time and time again, I was running to one class or another, and I saw children in the street playing a game with a leather ball. They were so… free. I realized that’s what I wanted right then, in perfect clarity. I wanted to feel happy and unburdened. For the first time in my life, I found something to burn for that was only for myself. And so I had to think for a long time about what a happy, free life looked like. For once not caring how others believed it should be.”
Unable to speak, Tam listened, identifying in many ways with what Bong was saying, only… he hadn’t figured out what he wanted. He didn’t know what he wanted his life and future to be, only what he wanted to live up to.
“Luca finding you now was, I think, quite by the hair of the Goddess. Fated. Children in general are wonderful reminders to enjoy the beautiful, simple things in life. Like a warm spring day outside.” Bong smiled and looked up at Tam, though he had to squint against the sun. “I also think you are working out how to provide a happy life for him, as a good father should, but you have no idea, because you have not made a happy life for yourself, Tam. But now that you are trying to? You’re going to find yourself making all kinds of exceptions to situations you previously may have handled more cautiously and capably.”
Tam slowly seated himself beside Bong. “I’m worried I’m making another person uncomfortable with what I want.”
“Eli would have said something. She is quite good at being blunt.”
All pretense that it wasn’t his assistant Tam was talking about was swiftly abandoned.
“She’s in a tough situation, and I’m in a position of power over her.” Tam shook his head at himself.
“From what I can tell, you’ve made it clear she is welcome to tell you where she stands with you. Your fault lies in not telling her what meaning she has in your life.”
“I think she’s got the picture,” Tam replied, aiming the comment more at himself than Bong.
However, the Zinferan raised an interested eyebrow and glanced over his shoulder back to the house. “Are you aware she suffers from significant trauma?”
Tam cringed. “I am. Which makes me even worse.”
“Your self-hatred is a waste of time.” Bong closed his eyes again. “Make yourself clear to her, and then adhere to whatever she wishes to do. As you have been. She may need more time to recover from her past before she can even entertain the thought of a wholesome relationship. Assuming, of course, that that’s what you want.”
Tam gnawed on his tongue.
He was in love with Eli, absolutely, but… what if they simply were happier living their own lives?
Just because you loved someone didn’t mean you had to marry them.
“I’m already tired of moping and agonizing over this.” Tam reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “She knows how I feel now, and that’s that. Thank you for helping me figure myself out, Bong.”
The Zinferan bowed his head gracefully.
Tam grinned down at the Zinferan and then recalled him passed out face-first in the dirt the night before. “Honestly, after your escapades last night, I thought you’d be in significantly more pain today.”
“I have spent a great deal of time out here trying my best not to vomit.”
Tam nodded. “That makes sense. Would you like to come inside for breakfast?”
“I can’t move yet.”
“Still might vomit?”
“Yes.”
Tam’s smile widened. “Would you like me to get you some water?”
“That would be appreciated.”
Laughing, Tam clapped a hand on Bong’s shoulder, earning the quietest of whimpers from the man before Tam stood up and turned back to the house.
He really was living a strange life: kissing his assistant one instant, in inner turmoil the next, and then perfectly at peace again with his present, all before breakfast.
Upon reentering the dining room, Tam found Luca and Jeong in deep conversation. “Sorry about leaving like that,” he announced, drawing their attention to himself.
Luca and Jeong looked up at the same time, curious.
“Is Eli alright?” Jeong asked worriedly.
“I think so. Though she might want to go shopping with Bong after all. She’ll let us know.” Tam reached over and plucked up the papers that his assistant had handed him previously, with information about the various tutors they might be able to hire for Luca.
“Luca, what did you do yesterday?” Tam inquired as his son slowly started to inch closer to him.
“Oh, I… I helped Eli unpack your books, and we talked about what I might like studying.”
Tam gave an encouraging smile to Luca then returned his attention to the tutors.
“Dad?”
“Hm?”
“Can I… go shopping with you if… if you and Eli are going?”
Tam looked up, momentarily stunned. “Is there something you need?”
“N-no.”
Tam glanced with an arched brow at Jeong, whose attention was completely captured by his cup of tea.
“I just… want to spend time with you,” Luca finished vulnerably.
Tam paused, then reached over and rested his hand on Luca’s head. “How about, even if Eli wants to go shopping with Bong, you and I go out, hm?”
Luca’s entire face lit up.
Tam smiled, ruffled Luca’s recently cut hair, and returned his attention to the tutors.
All was peaceful until both Eli and Bong stepped into the room.
Eli seated herself beside Jeong where Luca had previously been sitting, which wasn’t the farthest she could sit from Tam, but it wasn’t exactly close, either.
“I think I’ll go shopping with Bong today,” she informed everyone evenly, though she didn’t look in Tam’s direction.
Tam masked his emotions as best he could and addressed Luca. “Guess that means it’ll just be you and me.”
Luca smiled, his right cheek filled with the dumpling he had just shoved into his mouth.
Tam then proceeded to grasp the glass coffee container from the middle of the table, while Bong downed several cups of water.
“Sorry I wasn’t able to bring that out to you quicker,” he called out.
“It is fine. I didn’t give you much time.”
Tam reached for the cup of coffee he had abandoned earlier to add fresh brew to it, but he caught Eli staring at him discreetly and froze.
She looked away immediately.
While Tam’s heart started to sink, he noticed that she actually happened to be blushing.
He wasn’t entirely certain why, but… maybe it wasn’t a bad sign.
◆◆◆
Tam and Luca spent their day browsing the various vendor booths on the street. And once Tam had spent a good amount of money on the various snacks that Luca was interested in trying, he found himself relaxing in a way he hadn’t in a long time. He wondered why his magic wasn’t acting up, but whatever the reason for it, it was a blissful reprieve.
Staring up at the clear blue sky, Tam let out a breath that seemed to take with it years of tension.
He was outside on a lovely day. No one was cringing away from him or whispering behind their hands, he already was right on schedule with making contact with the lords, he was gathering information, and…
He was getting to know Luca.
His son who did not like eating fish. In any capacity. Which was tricky when Junya was a seaside city.
Tam also learned that Luca liked the color red, and that he was really quick on his feet as he dodged and wove through the crowds between stalls.
Luca was conscious of people, but uninterested. His eyes followed food, toys, and even the buildings with their unique designs…
“Luca?” Tam summoned his son back to his side after he’d started to get a little farther ahead.
Once the boy was back, still chewing on a chicken skewer, Tam asked the question that had occurred to him. “Did you have any friends in Daxaria? Back when you were living at the tavern?”
Luca paused, his carefree expression turning serious and hesitant.
“Not… really. I was either helping Mother clean the tavern, or helping my uncle keep track of inventory.”
“Hm.” Tam frowned.
“Jeong’s my friend now!” Luca reminded him with forced energy
“That he is, as is Bong, and Eli… But you should have friends your own age, too.”
His mouth twisting to the side, Luca looked disappointed.
“Is there a reason you don’t want friends your own age?” Tam pressed.
Luca busied himself with finishing off his chicken skewer and disposing of the garbage in a nearby street brazier while Tam waited.
Eventually Luca answered. “I’m different from other kids. I don’t know.” He shrugged, but there was a nervousness around him as he shoved his hands in his pockets. A move that looked a lot like Tam’s.
“Different how?” Tam persisted.
“Well, I just…” Luca stopped, his chin lowering to his chest. “I have weird dreams, and… I can’t focus sometimes. I only talk to adults, I don’t know any games, and I didn’t have a dad, and… I’m just different.”
“You have a dad now, and it’s fine to get distracted. It happens to everyone,” Tam assured him, while also subtly directing their journey down a quieter side street.
“But I… I sometimes feel like a different person when the distraction happens.”
Tam felt his insides turn to ice. “How do you mean, Luca?”
There must have been something in his tone that frightened the boy, as he stopped in his tracks and shuffled backward uncertainly. “I don’t know exactly… I just—sometimes it’s like I’ve heard things before, or I feel some way because I’ve seen something, and it doesn’t make sense. Or I suddenly think I remember something that didn’t happen…”
Tam ushered Luca to the side of the road where no one else walked and crouched down. Fear was crawling up his belly. “Luca, what kinds of things do you remember?”
The boy’s distress worsened. “I don’t know! Scary things, and they are like my dreams so I don’t know if they are memories or, or—”
Tam saw the tears in Luca’s eyes and without being able to help himself he pulled Luca in to hug him. “It’s okay, Luca. I promise. I promise everything is alright. It… It is really important you tell me as much as you can about this.”
“Why, though? Mother said I shouldn’t! It scares people!”
“Because I… I might be able to help.” Tam knew he was lying, but how could he tell Luca the truth? What even was the truth?
Was Luca the devil? He genuinely didn’t seem evil, or conniving…
Could it mean that he simply didn’t remember he was the devil?
Tam pulled away and did his best to put his own concerns aside to focus on Luca as the boy said, “I dream about… about big creatures. And I dream about people. Some of them are scary, and some I think are witches,” Luca’s voice warbled.
Tam listened seriously, though nothing of what he heard really helped shed any light one way or another. He opened his mouth to console Luca, only…
He spotted something in the corner of his eye, and turned with Luca at the same time to see…
Eli. Strolling down the street by herself. She had on a white shirt and a pale-pink skirt. Her back was straight, her expression neutral…
She looked beautiful.
But that wasn’t what caught Tam’s eye.
There were two men following her.
“Where the hell is Bong?” Tam stood up. “Luca, you stay right here. If anyone approaches you and tries to move you, you scream.”
“Okay!” Luca replied firmly, his previous moment of vulnerability forgotten as he, too, gauged the danger his father’s assistant was in.
And that was it. Tam rushed off in pursuit, his long strides easily closing the distance, though the two men pursuing Eli were gaining on her as well.
Seeing this, Tam felt his magic surge.
It was as though after all the peace it had given him recently, it was returning with a roar. He scrambled internally to maintain control, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t fail to protect Eli.
He kept walking, even though he was relatively certain he noticed one or two people leap back from him in surprise…
He didn’t want to know what he looked like. Though he strongly suspected his eyes had turned black, just like Eli had described back on the ship when facing off with the pirates.
It didn’t matter. He just wanted to get Eli and Luca to safety. Hopefully, whatever happened, whatever amount of magic he wasn’t able to contain, it wouldn’t swallow him whole once and for all.