Chapter 17
We were both quiet when we returned to our suite after our audience with Queen Anneria.
What she’d confided to us was worrying me more than I’d allowed to show.
Why was King Pritatus acting irrationally from time to time?
It made no sense, except—what if someone was trying to get him under their control and had failed so far?
“It’s peculiar, isn’t it? With the king.”
So Nayana’s thoughts went in the same direction. Studying her for a brief moment, I dipped my head. “Yes. So, this is your opportunity to give me credit for being so thoughtful and planting your old sidekicks inside this castle.”
Her eyes narrowed, and her nose scrunched in a really cute way. “Do you expect me to praise you for using my friends as pawns?”
“Especially the boy was born to be one. Your Rewani, I admit, she’s clever and witty. I’m under no illusion she wouldn’t have agreed if she hadn’t seen merit. But him? I bet he’s still grinding his teeth that I made him do so.”
“He has a name, Dion, and he isn’t a boy anymore.”
Annoyance dripped from her words, but I shrugged.
The boy could perish for all that I cared, and the more often she defended him, the more urgently I yearned to dispose of the problem her old youth friend posed.
“I can’t take him seriously. Is what Rewani told me true?
Did he once give you Jama flowers instead of Nayana ones by oversight? ”
“That could have happened to everyone.”
“Not to me. I rarely make presents unless I’m forced to, but if I do, I use at least a minimum of precaution against blunders like that. Handing you the wrong flowers wasn’t only careless but outright dangerous.”
She didn’t have to know that from now on, I intended to check every gift she received from anyone before she could get her hands on them.
Sometimes, I had problems believing how delicate she was and how breakable humans were in general. My stomach roiled when I dwelled on the thought that the one I had to protect could die so easily.
“What’s up, princeling? You look like you have one of your shrewd biased fae ideas again. One of those you won’t share because you’re aware of how much I’d hate what you’ve come up with.”
Damn this woman. Since when could she read me like an open book? Time to change the subject to shut her up. “You should consider the Queen’s offer, at least as long as we’re here.”
She frowned, and her cerulean eyes clouded over. “There’s no need to whine to a stranger about the hardships I experienced throughout my whole life or the last months.”
“Then confide in me.”
“I don’t want to.”
“We had that discussion before, if you remember?”
“Yes, and I was honest with you while you protected all your secrets and kept them close to your heart. What a wonderful way to help. And no, threatening to kill my parents doesn’t count as productive support.”
I begged to differ, and from the lightning strikes flashing in her eyes, she knew that such a comment burned on the tip of my tongue. Her expression dared me to try and face the consequences. “I swear I won’t threaten to murder your parents today if you speak to me about the hurt inside of you.”
“Stop. It’s much too fresh.”
“I’m not only asking about your time with Perran Feroy.
” Maybe delaying the discussion of her recent experiences was for the best. There was a good chance I’d blow up if she told me everything, and also, the longer she was unaware of the extent of the bloody trail I’d left in the wake of my way to find her, the better.
Her views were so off; she’d only end up blaming herself.
“But that’s not the only traumatic event you endured lately.
For example, the merchant’s son and what he did to you.
” That asshole should be glad that Noelk had already claimed him.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I’m not. I do notice how you flinch every time a male comes near you, no matter if it’s a stranger, the boy, or Antas.”
“Only if I’m startled.”
“If you don’t face this problem, it’ll fester. Do you want this one episode to define you forever? Will you allow this insult to mankind to win, even after death? Or do you wish to claim back your autonomy over your own body?”
Her mind worked, her gaze turned inward, and she seemed to mull over every word.
Good, she stopped clinging to her resistance and her unacceptable behavior of pushing me away when I just wanted to help her.
My chest swelled with pride that I’d gotten through to her, and I ignored how very short-lived my victory could be.
“The more time goes by, the less his assault is affecting me.”
“Bullshit. How often do you have flashbacks or nightmares?” I was relentless, maybe even ruthless, but there was no way in both worlds I would let her continue ignoring her issues.
We would head to Galanta soon, and the last thing any of us needed was for her to have a major breakdown in Alaiann near my grandfather.
As Nayana opened her mouth, I resisted the compulsion to smooth out her forehead, and moments later, she’d changed her mind about speaking.
Of course, she was easy to read. She desired to deny she had those episodes at all, and she knew I could tell that she wanted to lie to me. One of my eyebrows shot up, and I scowled at her.
Her sigh—or more a shuddering breath—sounded as if all the weight of the worlds was resting on her shoulders. “Often.”
“I don’t pretend I can fully comprehend what you’ve been through or how being violated like you have been must feel.
Violence, like the one your father did to you, I understand all too well, but having your body assaulted in the most intimate way is something I can’t empathize with from experience.
But I promise you that I’ll try my very best if you confide in me. We’re friends, after all.”
“Your grandfather mistreated you.”
“Plenty of times. I won’t deny that his treatment has been brutal at times. But Naya—if you think for just a moment I wouldn’t recognize your attempt at deflection, you’re wrong.”
Naya’s shoulders sank in defeat, her whole defensive stance deflated, and she lost another one of those heart-wrenching sighs. “I thought letting my memories rest would be easier. After all, the attack was only a one-time thing.”
“Doesn’t matter if there was one act of aggression or a thousand. The recollection burdens you. So, tell me what you consider the most difficult part.”
“Maybe that the incident is refusing to stay in the past. Whenever someone approaches me, that person wears Jelric’s face for a moment, and even when I return to reality, the picture of him lingers.
And I’m just so, so scared. What if this will never change, and I’ll always have the horrible memory functioning as a gatekeeper when it comes to men and—especially—to sexuality?
Also…I ask myself all the time if the assault had been my fault.
If I hadn’t worn the dress Jelric had sent me or if I had refused to accompany him to a deserted area, he might not have—” Naya fell silent, and as her eyes glossed over, an invisible fist punched me in the guts.
But I schooled my expression and nodded.
For a moment, I stayed muted, allowing her to catch her bearings, when an idea forced me to leave her side on the chaise.
I got up and stalked over to a little table in the corner of the room.
Picking up a small dish with a selection of assorted chocolates I’d requested from the kitchen earlier, I carried the plate over to her.
She had a sweet tooth, and maybe the confectionery would comfort her.
Setting the treats down on her lap, I produced a cloth tissue from the pocket of my tunic and handed the soft square to her as well. Only then did I sit down again.
“He wanted to humiliate and degrade me. The things he said—for him, I was an object he could use to satisfy his needs. And when I struggled and cried, he was turned on by that. So, in the end, he got his wish fulfilled. I’m still ashamed.”
“There’s no reason for that. He decided to violate you, and honestly, nothing you would have done could have caused a different outcome.
Considering he’d ordered you to dress like a harlot, his assault wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment attack.
He planned to desecrate you, and that piece of shit didn’t care if you suffered and kept scars from his molestation.
And, on the other hand, you relied on your general trust that even an asshole like him would have some decency.
Then the shitstain of a human being obliterated your faith, and as you did mention before, you’re scared never to find your peace again. ”
Naya’s throat bobbed. More and more moisture pooled in her eyes the longer we talked, and even if her pain tore at my heart, I was relieved she granted herself permission to mourn the woman she’d been before the incident. The one she would never be again.
“Back in the stables, you were a victim. But the time has come, Nayana.”
“Time for what?”
“To become the survivor I know you are.”