Chapter 18
I softly stroked Nayana’s hair.
She’d fallen asleep after she’d cried for gods-know-how-long. Before that, she’d allowed me to hold her. I’d even asked for her consent beforehand. Her searching for comfort in my arms did funny things to my pride, and I couldn’t stop preening.
While she’d been crying and eating all the chocolate in between, I’d noticed her gaze flickering to the four-poster again and again. So, I’d carried her to the bed, and we’d lain down together.
I clamped down on my urge to puff up my chest. Even if she hadn’t completely forgiven me after I’d omitted so much, at least she trusted me with her body, and that was a start.
“Dion?” The tiny woman in my arms stirred, and her voice sounded fatigued and raspy from weeping.
“Don’t you wish to sleep some more?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Mh.”
Nayana didn’t indicate that she wanted me to let go of her, so I continued petting her silky tresses, and warmth bloomed in my chest as she sighed contentedly.
“Dion?”
“Yes, Naya?”
“Will that ever go away?”
“The memories?”
“No. Those I’ll carry with me forever. What I mean is…being scared of intimacy. Of being close to someone. Afraid of—”
“Sex.”
Naya nodded, and I observed blood rushing into her cheeks as so often when sexuality was a topic.
More than once, I’d wondered if she’d always been this prude and if her shyness had resulted from her upbringing or if her trauma had turned her bashful.
“Yes. See, I never gathered as much experience as Rewi, for example. Not that I couldn’t have slept with men—the offers were there—but I was never interested in dalliances. The few times I shared intimacies with someone, the liaisons didn’t feel as special as my friend always claimed.”
Her reddish cheeks darkened to a deep crimson, and I swallowed a growl as I imagined her tumbling around with one of those backwater males from her village, who all, unsurprisingly, wore the face of the boy.
Murder fantasies dominated my thoughts for a moment, but with an immense effort, I buried them.
Instead, I weighed my words. “It’s not the same for everyone.
What you’re describing reminds me of what my mother explained to me when she educated me about sex.
She emphasized how everyone was different and mentioned that she’d considered herself broken for many winters.
She hated participating in random trysts because she felt nothing.
Only after meeting my father had she been able to enjoy sex, and she guessed this had to do with the fact that he was the only male she caught feelings for. ”
“Your mother spoke with you about her intimate encounters? When you were a youngling?”
“Yes. Fae are sensual creatures and a lot more open about their sexuality. Relationships are rare, and orgies are a common occurrence. There are some parts of Galanta where certain groups go so far as to decline any emotional bonds. But most of us love to fuck and do so often.” I trailed my thumb over Nayana’s cheek, which resembled a ripe tomato.
“So, uhm—”
“Yes?”
“So, do you think I could be like your mother?”
“Maybe. Have you ever been physically attracted to someone with no feelings involved?”
“Rarely. But it happened.” She couldn’t look me in the eye, and I smirked, having an inkling where her thoughts went. That we were like two powerful magnets fighting to stay away from each other was hardly a secret. The two times I’d kissed her, she hadn’t been unaffected at all.
“And your body reacts to the pleasure you give yourself.” I couldn’t stop grinning, and Nayana swatted her tiny hand against my forearm in embarrassment.
Interesting.
So she hadn’t forgotten how I caught her when she’d touched herself in Amalach.
The entire bedroom had smelled like pure sin when I’d returned from my brief excursion.
And her eyes as I’d tasted her essence on her fingers—delicious.
Both her flavor and her expression. I still wondered what she’d been fantasizing about back then—anything else but me was simply inadmissible.
“Anyway,” she mumbled. “Do you think I’ll be able to heal so I won’t see Jelric whenever I’m near someone?”
“Yes, I’m sure everything will improve as soon as you start to replace the awful memories with better ones.
” I softly kissed the crown of her head before a horrible, nagging dread intruded my mind.
“Nayana, please be honest. Do you have flashes of that insult to the male population when I’m close to you? ”
The tension working itself into her muscles told me the answer before she did, and I gritted my teeth, fighting not to succumb to the anger flaring hot in my blood.
“Not always. Only when you startle me. The vision usually vanishes when I remind myself that you aren’t him.”
Unacceptable. This was unacceptable.
How could I ensure she would never be reminded of the shitpile of her dead fiancé when she was around me?
“I see,” I said, carefully neutral, and Nayana must have sensed my agitation, because she hastily spoke on.
“You mentioned collecting better memories to replace the one of Jelric.”
“Mh. No idea if healing works like that, but I imagine if there’s only one bad memory amongst thousands of good ones, the bad one might lose its strength.
Maybe even with a lot less. You see, when I was a faeling and learned how to ride a horse, my very first time on horseback, I fell off and broke my wrist. As soon as I had halfway recovered, my father insisted on me continuing my lesson, although I bristled and resisted him as well as I could.
But of course, he was right, and nowadays, I feel quite at home on top of a mount. ”
Naya scrunched her nose in contemplation, and I dwelled on my words as well. Instead of relaxing, my muscles turned rigid. The picture of Nayana out there, searching for someone to collect better memories with, stung and was also unacceptable.
“As if you’d let me out of sight long enough to do so, princeling,” Naya huffed, a bit mockingly.
Then her tone turned teasing, but with a weird, testy undertone.
“You’d have to stop being so damn controlling.
Or, if you can’t change your territorial behavior, you’ll have to replace the memories yourself. ”
Stunned at her words, no matter how much humor she’d spoken them with, I went still. Her face returned to the blushing state from before.
“As if you’d wish that.”
“It’s not the worst idea, is it? I mean, we’re friends, and we can set boundaries. Neither of us wants anything else but friendship, and I can’t deny that you’re one attractive bastard. Plus, you said so yourself, you fae are into casual fu—intimacy.”
Gods, I could feel my cock hardening from her suggestion alone.
I dragged my hand through my hair. This was a bad idea, no matter how much my anatomy claimed otherwise. But I was fighting a losing battle. “I thought you didn’t trust me anymore?”
“To be honest with me? No. With my body, though? You never gave me a reason not to.”
Before I could stop myself, I preened, and she grinned. But the light moment was gone much too soon, and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “You’re in emotional turmoil. Not really the mindset that screams being capable of making such important decisions.”
“I cried. I slept. There’s no uproar left, and I’m using logic to determine how to improve things. I’m so sick of being a victim, and what you’ve said sounds weirdly sensible.”
Ah, of course. She wanted this because doing so was therapeutic, and I had to remind myself of the fact. I’d suggested this approach myself, after all, so I should better clamp down on my eagerness. “And you’re sure about—?”
“Yes.”
Fuck, her determination had me believe her. Weighing the options, I pushed my own excitement back into the far corners of my mind.
There was steel and pure resolve in her stance. She was serious.
In my life, I’d had my fair share of sexual encounters.
I prided myself on never having left a lover unsatisfied, but I also couldn’t deny I was used to taking charge and to females voicing their wants and limits.
Every single fae I’d fucked hadn’t gone in blind into our trysts, and most of the time, while chasing my own pleasure, theirs was a byproduct.
There hadn’t been even one sexual partner that had meant enough to me to care more about their experience than my own.
And in the end, bringing them satisfaction fueled my pride in my capabilities as a bedmate.
But this here, this was different, and I was so out of my depth, as much as I hated to admit to the sentiment.
All the mulling brought another memory to the surface, a conversation with my father—the only one I’d had with him about sexuality and his tastes—and then I knew what was necessary to make this work.
“If I agree, there will be a few ground rules.”
“Of course. Everything about you comes with weird conditions.” Her soft laughter was like a melody engraving itself right into my soul.
My chest vibrated as a growl took over my words. Suddenly, keeping myself together was a lot harder. Even though there was a good chance nothing would happen, her actually entertaining the idea was unbelievable.
I couldn’t deny that I wanted her. “Not a joke. Listen, Nayana, this is crucial.”
“I’m all ears.”
“First, you’re a virgin, aren’t you?”
“Technically, yes. Not because I saved myself for marriage, but more because my parents would have killed me, and, as I told you, I never found the right person.”
“So, I won’t claim your first. Not as your friend. That’s something you should give to someone you have feelings for.”
“Rich words from a fae.”
“You’re human, and somehow, this whole purity thing is important in your society. But, I can assure you, there’s more than enough two—or more—can do together.”
“Oh well, I can deal with that.”
“Second, I’m rather dominant—”
“I wouldn’t have used rather, but yes,” the little temptress interrupted me, and instead of reacting to her teasing, I continued.