Chapter 39
EVAN
Despite a brief Thanksgiving Day reprieve at Drew and Maura’s, the remainder of that week was spent making arrangements for Judy’s service.
We’d arrived at the funeral home two hours ago on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I hadn’t taken my eyes off of Chloe. Whenever it looked like she needed me, I rushed to her side, getting her water or whatever she required to get through the wake. I’d made sure I was never too far away.
A voice from behind me interrupted my guarding her.
“It’s been a long time, Evan.”
I turned to find Chloe’s dad standing there. I hadn’t seen him in ages. He’d gotten grayer and older, but overall, he seemed to be in good shape.
“Indeed, Phil.” I offered my hand. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
He shook with me. “I don’t deserve your condolences, son. If you’ve spent any amount of time with Chloe, I’m sure you already know that.”
“I don’t see things that way,” I told him. “You and Judy were married for a long time and shared a life together. Despite things you could’ve done differently, this has to be very difficult for you.”
He looked over at the casket, his voice shaking. “Judy certainly deserved better than the way I disappeared in her last days. I just didn’t know how to handle it. And that guilt is something I’m gonna have to live with for the rest of my life.”
I honestly didn’t know what to tell him, since I agreed on all counts. There was a hell of a lot he could’ve done better, but now wasn’t the time to unload my feelings about that.
He placed a hand on my shoulder. “I see the way you’ve been supporting my daughter. I want you to know that I appreciate you being there for her. Not just today, but ever since she came to town.” He paused. “How is your daughter?”
Effie had wanted to come with me to the services, but I didn’t think it was a good idea. She’d never been to a wake before, and I needed to be able to focus on Chloe. So I’d told her she and I would pay our respects to Chloe together in a more personal way after everything was over.
“She’s great. And no need to thank me for looking out for Chloe. I’ll always have her back.”
“From what she’s told me over the past couple of days, you’ve had her back for a while. Not only recently, but when you were living with us. I didn’t realize you two were so close back then.”
“Well, at the time, I didn’t think you’d approve.”
“I’d always thought something happened between you and my other daughter. Apparently, I had it all wrong.”
I nodded. “You did.”
“I realize that now.” Phil looked over to where Chloe and Fawn were greeting guests in the receiving line.
“Getting to spend time with Fawn and Chloe this week has been the only light during this dark time. They’ve told me lots of stories I didn’t know.
We’ve done our best to come together and support each other through this.
I’m hoping to mend my relationship with my daughters.
I haven’t been present for them in recent years, partly because they couldn’t handle me being with another woman.
They still haven’t met Courtney, and I didn’t want to upset them by bringing her here. ”
“Good call.” I was happy he’d had the sense not to push that boundary. Chloe wouldn’t have appreciated that in the least.
“It’s a hard balance trying to be happy and make everyone else happy, too,” he said.
“It’s never too late to make things better, Phil.
You’re the only parent Chloe and Fawn have left now.
They’re adults, but they’ll always need you.
And they’ll always be your little girls for as long as you live.
I understand that better than ever now that I’m a father.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my daughter. ”
Phil clapped me on the back. “I’m proud of you, Evan. Chloe’s told me how much you’ve taken on and what a wonderful job you’ve done with Effie. Your mother would be very proud of you, too.”
“Thank you, Phil. Means a lot.”
Despite the mistakes Phil had made in recent years, I’d always looked up to him. He’d been the only father I’d ever had at a time in my life when I’d needed one most.
I sensed that I needed to get back to Chloe. But when I looked over at the receiving line this time, she was nowhere to be found.
“Excuse me, Phil,” I said, leaving my spot to search for her. Maybe she’d just gone to the bathroom.
After several minutes passed, I knocked on the bathroom door. No one was in there. Wandering from room to room in the funeral home, I came up empty. As a last resort, I left the building and found Chloe alone in the parking lot.
Her face was red, and her chest rose and fell as she tried to catch her breath. Fuck. I knew that look. She was having a panic attack. When she noticed me approaching, she ran over.
“Come here, baby.” I took her in my arms and held her close. “It’s gonna be okay. Just breathe.”
The air caught in her throat. “I felt like I was ready to die in there.”
I kissed her head. “Why didn’t you come get me?”
“You were talking to my dad, and I didn’t want him to see me like this.”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I haven’t had one of these since I was a teenager.” Her breaths were shallow. “I mean, I’ve felt them coming on, but I’ve always been able to control them—thanks to you.”
Years back, I’d caught her in the middle of one and helped her work through it.
I’d suffered panic attacks myself that had come on when my mother was sick.
I’d taught Chloe that the only way around an attack was to push through the anxiety rather than run away from it.
Let it do its worst without fighting it. Then it always passed.
“You’ve been fine most of the day. Did something specific bring it on?” I asked.
“They asked me if I wanted to do a eulogy, and I haven’t prepared anything.
Not sure why I wasn’t thinking of that. I felt like a horrible person telling the funeral director that I hadn’t planned to speak.
But you know how it is, it’s never one thing.
I think it’s been slowly building all day until I couldn’t breathe anymore. ”
“You don’t owe these people anything. You were there for Judy more than anyone. Any speech now is just for show, for other people’s benefit.”
Chloe clung to me. “Will you stay out here with me for a few minutes?”
“I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”
“Thank you for holding my hand through this day.”
“It’s my honor, Chloe.”
After a few minutes, she’d calmed down enough to want to return. A little while later, Fawn ended up going to the small podium and saying a few words about their mother, which was the least she could’ve done, in my opinion.
By the time the wake ended, Chloe was spent.
She rested her head against the passenger seat of my truck as we headed back to my rental home.
I’d given her a choice as to whether she wanted to continue staying at the big house, but she’d said she preferred to stay with me tonight.
Effie would be sleeping at Drew’s. I didn’t know what Chloe’s plan would be now that her mom was gone.
No one had been expecting Judy to pass when she did, despite how much worse things had gotten in the weeks before.
Chloe put her feet up on my coffee table when we got home, and I let her decompress for a bit while I made waffles for dinner—her request. I brought them over to the couch so she could keep her feet elevated. Then I got my plate and sat beside her.
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“For what? You don’t need to thank me.”
“For everything. For giving me a safe place to stay while I was going through the most difficult time of my life, for showing me how a true man operates, for standing by my side today.”
“I’d do anything for you.”
She took a bite of waffle. “Right before I had the panic attack, I noticed you talking to my dad. What did he say?”
“He thanked me for having your back. He expressed regret over how things have played out, but he also said how grateful he was for the time the three of you have spent together over the past week.”
She nodded. “I think I’m going to the storage unit for the entire day tomorrow. I really just need to be done with that mess.”
“Do you need my help?”
“No. You need to get back to work. You’ve taken enough time off this week for me.”
“Well, you know I’m the boss, right? I can take more time if you need me.”
“Thank you, but I’ll be okay.”
I hesitated. “Do you have any idea how long you’re staying?”
Chloe looked into my eyes. “I guess that depends.”
Was she trying to tell me it depended on me?
Was she waiting for me to ask her to stay?
I wanted that more than anything, but I had to be sure it was what she really wanted.
I didn’t want her to stay out of obligation to me or Effie.
I wanted Chloe to want to be here more than she wanted anything else.
But how was it fair for me to expect her to give up the life she’d built over the past decade in Chicago? This needed to be her decision.
“I think you need to go back to Chicago,” I told her.
Her eyes widened.
“Hear me out,” I continued. “I’m not saying that because I want you to leave.
It’s just the opposite. I want you to stay very badly.
But you have a job there, right? I don’t know how important it is to you.
But I don’t need to tell you that in order to be here, you’d have to leave everything you’ve built there.
I would never ask you to do that. I’m a firm believer that you have to let something go in order to know if it will come back to you.
You’re going through too much right now to make a sound decision about anything.
” I took her hand. “But if you go back to your life there, and all you can think about is being back here with us…maybe that means something, you know?”
Something seemed to click behind her eyes. “While I’d hoped you’d be asking me to stay, not leave, I understand what you’re saying. And you’re right. It’s not like I can avoid going back anyway. All of my stuff is there.”
“Well, I have a truck. All I’d need is a phone call to drive across country and bring the rest of your shit back here, Chloe.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Including me and my emotional baggage?”
“Fuck yes.”
“You’d really do that?”
“Are you kidding? Effie would love a road trip.”
“Okay…” Her breath trembled. “So hypothetically, if I went back to Chicago, and I was miserable and wanted to move back here…where the hell would I work?”
“I know a power plant.” I winked.
She laughed. “What would I do there?”
“We had an up year. We have the funds. I’d create a position for you. We’d figure something out.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It doesn’t have to be hard.” I squeezed her hand. “But maybe we shouldn’t be making big life decisions on this particular day. It’s been difficult enough.”
“Except for the waffles.” She brought my hand to her mouth and kissed my knuckles. “The waffles were the best part of today.”
“Waffles always have a way of making things better, don’t they?”
The phone rang. It was Drew’s number, so I assumed it was Effie calling to say goodnight.
“Hey, baby,” I answered.
“Not Effie,” Drew said.
“Hey, Drew. Everything okay?”
“Effie’s fine, but…” he hesitated.
“But what?” I stiffened.
“Katerina’s here.”