Chapter 44 Suffocating
Suffocating
Kai to Tess: I hate that I wish I could have five minutes alone… [unsent]
Kai
The next two weeks pass in a blur.
I go to the hospital to get my leg checked out, and Tess comes with me. She doesn’t say why, but I know. She still doesn’t want to be alone. The doctors give me the go-ahead to start walking without the boot, but I barely register the relief. My focus is on Tess.
She acts like she’s fine. Just as chatty, just as impulsive, but it’s different now. Forced.
I notice the way her laugh comes half a second too late, how she always keeps her hands busy—twisting the hem of her sleeve, picking at invisible lint, fidgeting with whatever’s closest. She jumps when I enter a room too quietly, stiffens when I move too fast. She was always a little spacey, lost in her own head. But this is different. This is fear.
And the worst part? She hides it well.
Her rambling used to be endearing—words spilling out of her like she couldn’t contain them. Now, it’s a shield. A desperate attempt to keep her mind from going quiet, from slipping into something darker.
And I don’t know how to fix it.
I just stay close, hoping that’s enough.
But in the silence of my own mind, I can’t shake the guilt.
I was so focused on myself—on getting her back, on the betrayal of her leaving—that I never stopped to see what she went through. I should have pressed harder. Should have focused on her, not my need for space.
I sent her out alone to deal with her trauma.
The thought makes my stomach turn.
I feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
Tess quit her job after we got back and broke the lease on her flat since she decided she’s moved in with me. Not that I’ve really put up a fight.
Her things are everywhere. My home is no longer pristine, everything in order. It’s a mess of clothes strewn over the couches, scrunchies found under every piece of furniture, pots and pans everywhere as she cooks. And yet, no one is screaming, no one is hitting me because it’s not perfect.
My mother’s presence in my mind finally feels lesser, like her claws aren’t dug in so deep.
I am concerned about what Tess will do now.
I can support us for a while, Nate pays me well, but I can’t do it forever.
I wish I could. But I also know that it’s not good for her to be confined in the house for days on end.
Which is why, after months of neglecting Haven, I finally drag myself back in.
Tess, of course, is right beside me—practically glued to my side. Not that I mind. But I hate the reason why.
“Morning, Sarah,” I greet Nate’s assistant.
She smiles teasingly. “I was starting to think you’d abandoned us.”
“And do what instead? Get a real job? No thanks.”
She chuckles. “Nathan’s inside, go on in.”
I don’t even bother correcting her—she’s been working here for three years and still refuses to call him Nate. Even Nathaniel would be better. At this point, I’m convinced she does it just to piss him off.
Beside me, Tess is unusually quiet. Too quiet.
I hate it.
“Thanks, Sarah.” I place my hand on the small of Tess’s back, grounding both of us. “This is Tess, my girlfriend. She’ll probably be around a lot.”
Like flipping a switch, Tess snaps out of her silence.
“Oh my God, hi! It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about this place—I love the work you guys do here.”
She’s smiling, bubbly, energetic.
Too energetic.
No one else would notice how fake it is.
But I do.
I steer her toward Nate’s office, pushing open the door without knocking—
And immediately regret it.
Nate’s bare ass flexes as he pounds Carina into his desk.
“Oh, fuck!” Carina moans.
Tess and I freeze.
We don’t want to look. But for some godforsaken reason, neither of us can look away.
My brain completely malfunctions. My body refuses to move.
Eventually, instinct kicks in, and I turn to leave—only to accidentally knock on the door in the process.
Carina’s head snaps up. “Oh my god!” she shrieks, diving behind Nate.
Nate?
Nate just fucking grins.
His dick—his still-hard, completely unbothered dick—is on full display.
And Tess is staring at it.
With a groan, I slap a hand over her eyes. “Seriously?”
She huffs out a laugh. “Don’t worry, yours is better.”
A smug thrill shoots through me. My chest puffs up.
Nate pouts. “That’s just hurtful.” His voice is full of mock offense. “You know I could kill you, right?”
Tess peeks out from behind my hand, entirely unimpressed. “So could I.”
“Why is his dick better?” The whine in his voice is comical.
Tess laughs—a real one. Damn—that sound.
“His is pierced.”
Nate’s mouth gapes open, head swinging in my direction. “How did I never know this?”
I shrug, trying to look at anything but his penis.
Carina, still half-dressed, smacks Nate’s chest. “Would you cover yourself?!”
Nate glances down at himself. “Right,” he says, tucking himself back into his trousers like it’s no big deal.
I scrub a hand down my face, exhausted. “We weren’t expecting a free porno today.”
“No shit,” Carina mutters, smoothing out her dress. “We weren’t expecting you.”
“Thank god, I really hope that wasn’t for our benefit.”
She flips me off.
“Focus people!” Nate claps, forcing attention back to him. “Kai has a pierced dick. I need details.”
I glare at him. “Seriously?”
He nods enthusiastically. “Oh yes. Why? When? Did it hurt?”
I roll my eyes, choosing to indulge him to get this painfully awkward conversation over with quicker. “I got it done when I was nineteen because I wanted to feel the pain. And yes, it hurt like a fucking bitch. You get six needles shoved in your cock and tell me it doesn’t.”
His mouth? Open. Again.
“Six!”
I scowl at Tess whose face is lit up so radiantly I can’t even be angry at her for outing me. “This is your fault.”
Once the horror of that encounter fades, Nate fills me in on what I’ve missed—which, frankly, isn’t much—before I show Tess to my own office.
She sits across from me while I work, legs pulled up onto the chair, scrolling through her phone but barely looking at it.
I try to focus on the spreadsheets piling up on my desk, but every so often, I glance up.
She’s still there.
Still watching me, like she’s making sure I don’t disappear.
At lunch, Carina comes to collect her.
“C’mon, babe. Let’s eat.”
Tess hesitates, her fingers tightening around the chair’s armrest. For a second, her eyes linger on me, uncertainty flickering behind them.
I don’t push her. I don’t tell her to go.
I wait.
Then, finally, she nods and stands, following Carina out.
As the door swings shut, I let out a slow breath.
Relief floods me.
And then—guilt.
It settles deep in my gut like a stone.
I’m not used to someone needing me like this. Seeing me as their security blanket.
It should feel good, right?
But instead, it’s suffocating.
Shoving the thought away, I bury myself in spreadsheets.
I don’t notice how much time has passed until I glance at the clock.
Three hours.
And Tess still hasn’t come back.