Chapter 3
CHAPTER THREE
Immy sat in Xander’s car on the way back to Lovegrove Bay. Xander had barely said a word to her since he’d found out she was pregnant and now anger was rolling off him in waves.
She decided to break the silence.
‘I’m not sure why you’re so angry, I didn’t get pregnant on my own.’
‘I’m very aware of that. And I’m not angry.’
‘Try telling your face that.’
‘I’m very happy for you,’ he said, though his knuckles were white on the steering wheel and his jaw was clenched. ‘You always wanted a family. I hope the three of you will be very happy together.’
Realisation dawned on her. He thought she was pregnant with someone else’s child. That’s why he was angry. Oh the audacity. She nearly laughed out loud except that made her angry too.
‘You’re angry because you think I’ve slept with another man? But you don’t want me so you have no right to be upset if I move on with someone else.’
He reached out to stroke her cheek. ‘Wanting you was never the problem.’
Her anger drifted away. ‘Pull over.’
‘What?’
‘Pull over. I need to talk to you.’
He frowned and then pulled over onto the grassy verge on the side of the road, turning the engine off.
‘Come on.’ She climbed out of the car. After a moment he got out too. He walked round to her and shrugged out of his coat, wrapping it round her, which made her heart melt a little.
‘We could talk in the car, it’d be far warmer.’
‘I need to do this face to face so there is no doubt in your mind.’
She chewed her lip for a second wondering how to do this, then she took his hand and placed it on her belly.
‘What are you doing? I’m sure the man you’re going to marry won’t be happy with me touching you.’
‘I’m not marrying anyone. If I have to, I’ll raise this baby alone.’
‘The hell you are. If the low-life scum that got you pregnant doesn’t want to take responsibility for you, then I’ll marry you, I’ll take care of you and your baby.’
She stared at him in shock. ‘What? You never wanted that life, why would you offer that now?’
‘Because I… I care about you.’
She shook her head. This silly, frustrating, confusing man.
She would never understand what was going through his head.
When he had sex with her, she felt adored, loved, like he could never get enough of her, but the next day, he was always gone and he’d spend the next few days or weeks pretending it never happened.
When they slept together the last time and he’d said it could never happen again, there had been a tiny part of her that had been relieved because it was all too confusing and too painful when he made love to her like she was his world and then ignored her afterwards.
‘Who is it, who’s the father?’ Xander said. ‘Maybe I need to have a little word.’
She stroked his face and she looked him straight in the eye. ‘If you hadn’t walked out before the end of the ultrasound, you would have heard the sonographer estimate that I am roughly three months pregnant, maybe slightly more.’
She saw him making calculations, maybe thinking about the last time they made love three months before.
‘I haven’t been with any other man since the first time you and I made love,’ she went on.
His eyes widened.
‘The baby is yours.’
His breath caught in his throat as his eyes slid down to her tiny little bump. He stepped closer, moving both hands across her belly. ‘You… you’re carrying my child?’
‘Yes.’
He swallowed as he stared at her stomach. ‘But… but we used protection.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you. I haven’t even kissed another man apart from you in the last twelve months. And there were times when things got very passionate very quickly between us, maybe there was a time that we forgot.’
‘I never forgot.’
‘Maybe you have super-powered sperm that can swim through rubber.’ She hoped that would make him smile but he was still staring at her like a rabbit in the headlights.
‘Maybe the condom split, but regardless of how or when, here we are, I’m pregnant and the baby is yours.
We can do a paternity test if you don’t believe me but—’
‘That won’t be necessary. I believe you.’
He stared at her stomach again and she would have loved to see what was going through his mind. Silence stretched on for a long time and she couldn’t help thinking there was real fear in his eyes.
‘Look, I’m not expecting anything from you. I know you didn’t want this and it’s my decision to have this baby, not yours. If you don’t want to be involved, you don’t have to be.’
He shook his head and when he spoke his voice was coarse. ‘We need to get married.’
She sighed. ‘I’m not marrying you. I can’t think of anything worse.’
His eyebrows shot up. ‘You can’t think of anything worse than marrying me?’
‘I can’t think of anything worse than being married to someone who doesn’t love me.’
He stared at her. ‘I… I—’
‘Don’t say it. Don’t say those words because we both know you don’t mean them.’
He scowled. ‘Getting married makes sense.’
‘In what way does it make sense?’
‘I want to take care of you, of both of you.’
‘Having me and a baby live with you will upend your life and you will grow to resent me and the baby and I couldn’t bear that. If you want to be involved in our baby’s life you can be, as much or as little as you want.’
‘Of course I want to be involved, this is my son, or daughter. I’d want to see them every day.
I’d want to be there for every little milestone: their first words, their first steps, their first smile.
That’s why living together makes sense so I’m there for all of that.
I want my baby to know I love them and that I’ll be there for them no matter what. ’
‘We live opposite each other, you can see or take the baby whenever you want. We can work out a schedule or be as flexible as you wish to suit you. It doesn’t need to be weird between us, we can be friends who raise a baby together while living separately.’
‘Friends.’
‘Yes of course. I want you to be a part of our baby’s life, you are a wonderful father to Etta and I know you will love our baby too, but we don’t need to get married for that to happen.’
He shook his head. ‘It’s not right.’
‘Says who? Society? Family and friends? We can make this work in any way we want it to. As long as our baby has two parents that love him, or her, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t need to be conventional. Getting married just because I’m pregnant is silly.’
He sighed. ‘We can talk about this later.’
‘There’s nothing to talk about, I will not live in a loveless marriage.’
She took a step away from him so he could no longer touch her. That had been a mistake anyway, it had been far too intimate for where they were in their relationship.
‘But if we live together I can be there to help you,’ Xander said.
‘I can do the night feeds, nappy changes, bath times, or just help when you’re too tired to do anything.
When you’re heavily pregnant I can give you foot rubs or shoulder massages.
I can run out at two in the morning to get you a jar of pickled gherkins.
Whatever you need, I can take care of you. ’
She stared at him, a huge lump in her throat.
She hadn’t been expecting that. But then she shook her head.
‘As lovely as that sounds, you never wanted that life with me or with anyone. I would cringe every time you did anything for me, knowing there was a part of you that hated doing it. I couldn’t live with feeling like a burden to you. ’
He frowned. ‘I wouldn’t hate looking after my own baby.
We’d be a team. Raising a baby is hard work.
Trust me, I know. I did most of it when Etta was born as Brook didn’t want to.
I was working all day and then coming back and taking care of the baby and doing all the housework.
And I never once resented it. I love Etta with all my heart and it’s an honour to take care of the ones you love. ’
‘But you don’t love me.’
‘I could very easily fall in love with you. You are—’
‘No, don’t say things like that. Because every time you’re kind to me, every time you look at me like you’re looking at me now, my heart starts to hope, it starts to dream.
And then, when you walk away, I’m the one that has to pick up the pieces of my heart and try to fix it, to make myself stronger, more resilient. ’
He moved towards her but she took another step back.
‘No, we’re not talking about that. We’re not talking about this perfect rose-tinted life where you rub my feet and go out to get me pistachio ice cream whenever I want.
We can talk about the baby and how we will co-parent, but we’re not talking about… us.’
They stared at each other and silence hung in the air between them.
‘How long have you known?’ Xander eventually asked.
‘Since this morning.’ She checked her watch. ‘Yesterday morning now, I guess, as it is one o’clock.’
He groaned. ‘That’s why you came to see me?’
‘Yes, but you were too busy to talk to me.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s OK. I wasn’t expecting for you to drop everything for me. I thought you might pop by after work though, but I’m getting used to you avoiding me like I have the plague.’
He was silent for a while. ‘I thought it might be better if I didn’t.’
She sighed. ‘Why, were you afraid I might try to seduce you?’
‘I was more afraid it would be the other way round. I can’t think straight when I’m around you. Every time I’m with you I want to make love to you.’
‘I never had a problem with the sex, that part was always incredible. I have a problem with how you treat me afterwards.’
‘What do you mean, how I treat you after?’
She stared at him, incredulously. ‘How can you be so blind? We have sex, you worship my body like a goddess and then you completely go cold with me immediately after, you barely even talk to me. How can you think that I’m OK with that?’
He cursed under his breath. ‘I was trying to do what’s best for you.’