Chapter 3 #2
She stared at him in disbelief. ‘How can that be best for me? It hurt every time you pushed me away.’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you, that was the last thing I wanted.
But I knew I couldn’t get involved in a relationship, no matter how much I wanted that.
I didn’t want you to start having feelings for me or to start expecting more and for me to hurt you when it inevitably came to an end or I couldn’t give you what you wanted.
I thought if we just kept things casual, no emotional attachment, then no one could get hurt. ’
‘I never expected more from you, you made it very clear it was just sex,’ Immy said and cringed when she heard how snappy that sounded.
There was silence between them and it was tense and awkward and she hated that.
It reminded her of the times they had argued before they got together.
There was something about their relationship that always made them rub each other the wrong way.
Ever since he had opened a chocolate shop opposite her sweet shop, they had been sniping at each other.
She couldn’t even remember what they bickered about half the time but she’d found him beyond frustrating.
So she’d been more surprised than anyone when one incredible night they’d ended up in bed together, several times in fact.
And she hated that she’d fallen a little bit in love with him because of it.
Maybe he’d seen it in her eyes because the next morning he’d done a runner and barely spoken to her for the next few weeks.
Until it happened again, as if he just couldn’t stay away from her.
‘Would you have wanted more from me?’ Xander asked.
God, she did, of course she’d imagined what a happy ever after would look like with him and his wonderful daughter and maybe one day with children of their own. But this, him changing his mind, blowing hot and cold all the time, it was too unsettling.
‘No,’ she lied. ‘When I get married it will be to a man who sees my worth, someone who wants a lifetime with me, someone who wants me for more than just sex, someone who doesn’t change his mind faster than a politician.’
He was silent again then gestured to the car. ‘Let’s go home, you can stay with me tonight.’
‘No, that’s not necessary,’ Immy said, getting into the passenger seat. ‘I can stay at Alex’s.’
‘I thought your sister was away with Quinn,’ Xander said, as he climbed into the driver’s side.
‘She is but she won’t mind me staying there. I have a spare key.’
‘In your pyjama pockets?’
Immy cursed. ‘I’m sure I can just nip up to the flat for a few seconds to grab the key.’
‘No way, we don’t know if the building is structurally safe. Stay with me.’
She sighed because she didn’t have a lot of options. She had friends but she wasn’t comfortable knocking on any of their doors in the early hours in the morning. ‘Aren’t you scared we might end up having sex, because clearly you can’t be trusted around me?’
‘I am sorry. I’ve been a complete and utter dick and I’m genuinely really sorry. I’ve been trying to protect Etta and I’ve gone about it in completely the wrong way.’
She felt herself soften slightly because she adored that little girl. ‘Protect her from what?’
‘From getting hurt, from falling in love with someone and getting it thrown back in her face, from having that trust be betrayed.’
Her heart melted just a little more. ‘I know how hard it must have been, for both of you, to lose your wife, Etta’s mum.
I get that you’re scared of having a relationship with someone who your daughter might get attached to, only for it to end and your daughter to lose someone she cares about all over again.
But you can’t spend the rest of your life alone just in case she gets hurt. ’
He stared straight ahead, his fingers clutching the wheel even though they hadn’t moved from their position on the side of the road.
‘It was more than grief we had to deal with,’ Xander said, quietly.
‘What do you mean?’ Immy knew that his wife, Brook, had died in a small plane crash eighteen months before but she didn’t know much more than that.
He was silent for a while as if he was struggling to find the words. ‘This isn’t something I talk about with anyone—’
‘Of course it isn’t.’ Immy rolled her eyes. ‘Why share your feelings when you can just keep everything bottled up? After all, I’m just some woman you had sex with a few times, why would you tell me anything?’
‘I’d like to tell you, I want to explain why I’ve pushed you away, but it’s pretty bad and it’s been a long night and, after the shock of the fire and the worry over our baby, I think you need some rest. Tomorrow, I’ll make you breakfast and we can talk. I’ll tell you everything, I promise.’
She looked at him and could see whatever he was hiding was weighing on him heavily. ‘OK. Tomorrow.’
He nodded. He turned on the engine and drove off.
The rest of the drive was in silence, both lost in their thoughts. Whatever he told her tomorrow wouldn’t change how she felt. They couldn’t start something again, she couldn’t trust him enough for that.
They were soon back in the town of Lovegrove Bay and Xander parked his car behind his chocolate shop then they walked round the front together.
And there was her little shop, sitting in darkness.
At first glance, it didn’t even look like anything was amiss.
The door was boarded up but you couldn’t really see that from across the road.
It was only as Immy stepped closer and peered through the window that she could see how blackened the walls and ceiling were, how the sweets had melted in the heat and left little pools of bright colours dripping down the cabinets and onto the floor.
It looked like a Salvador Dalí painting.
Grief and emotion hit her like a bus. She had worked so hard to get this sweet shop up and running, doing most of the painting herself, covering the walls with oversized pictures of sweets.
This would take months to sort out and that was if and when the insurance company paid up – everyone knew they would drag their feet at every turn.
In the meantime she would still have bills to pay on the shop and her own personal ones, and with no money coming in, her debts would start mounting up.
And in six months’ time, the baby would be here.
Babies were expensive. How was she going to do all this alone?
She didn’t realise she was crying until Xander pulled her into his arms, stroking her head and back.
She took some deep breaths to slow the panic.
She had to concentrate on not letting her emotions spiral out of control.
After her brain injury several years before, whenever she got really upset she’d forget how to do the simplest things like tying her shoelaces or how to make a cup of tea, or do the buttons up on her shirt.
These were the kinds of things she struggled most with immediately after her accident that gave her the brain injury.
She could walk, talk, move around, she could do cartwheels if she wanted to, but anything that required fine motor skills, her brain just couldn’t do.
It had taken many months and years to teach herself how to do those things again.
Nowadays she could do those things without even thinking but very occasionally she’d get really upset over something and the blockage in her brain that stopped her from remembering how to tie her hair in a ponytail or how to put her watch on would suddenly come back, albeit only for a few hours or a few days.
The last thing she wanted was for Xander to think she was a weak, silly woman who couldn’t even look after herself, let alone a baby. She had to calm down.
But actually, as he held her tight, she felt the panic and tears subside and it was nothing to do with her efforts, it was him, anchoring her, making her feel safe.
She’d never had that before with anyone.
Her sister, Alex, had been super supportive but Zac, her boyfriend at the time, had made her feel pathetic and stupid for not being able to do the simplest things.
Being with him at her lowest and weakest point in her life had made her fiercely independent.
She didn’t want to rely on someone else ever again.
But this, Xander holding her, she’d had no idea how much she needed it.
She held him tighter, breathing in his incredible scent.
She concentrated on the feel of his jumper, his hard body against hers, the way he stroked her hair was the most wonderful feeling in the world and slowly the panic and fear ebbed away.
‘We will fix this, I promise. I have friends: painters, decorators, builders, carpenters. They will help. My brothers will help. The community will rally round to support you. Once we get the OK that it’s safe for us to re-enter the building, we can get this sorted for you very quickly.’
She looked up at him and he cupped her face in his hands, gently wiping the tears away before kissing her on the forehead. She liked his optimism and standing here, wrapped in his arms, it was very easy to believe in it.
‘Come on, let’s get to bed,’ he said.
She nodded and allowed herself to be led by the hand into his flat and up the stairs to the rooms he lived in above his shop. He had two floors up here, Etta was on the top floor and his bedroom, the lounge and kitchen were on this floor.
‘Do you want anything to eat or drink before we go to bed?’ Xander asked.
She shook her head.
‘Did you want to call the vets’ or wait till morning?’
‘Can I give them a quick call now?’
He nodded, pulled his phone from his pocket, swiped the screen a few times and then handed it to her as the number was already ringing.
‘I’m going to get changed,’ he whispered and wandered off to the bedroom.
Immy had a quick chat with the vet who assured her Jacob was absolutely fine and they were running some tests as a precaution. Paige asked Immy to phone in the morning after nine as he would probably be ready to be picked up then.
Immy hung up just as Xander walked back out wearing only his pyjama bottoms. He looked divine.
‘Is Jacob OK?’
‘Yes, he’s absolutely fine, thanks to you. We both owe you our life.’
He dismissed it, awkwardly. ‘Oh, that was… nothing.’
‘It was a hell of a lot more than nothing. You burst into my flat like some kind of superhero.’
‘I’m definitely not a hero. There’s a spare toothbrush under the sink and I laid out some pyjamas for you on the bed, in case yours are dirty.’
She looked down at what she was wearing, her pyjamas, his jumper. They all looked a bit worse for wear.
She nodded and went off to the ensuite bathroom, washed her face, cleaned her teeth and changed into a pair of shorts and t-shirt that were way too big for her, but would suffice.
She came out the bathroom to find Xander waiting for her in his bed.
There had been no discussion about where they would sleep, but as they had already seen each other naked and been intimate together several times, sleeping in the same bed didn’t seem like a big deal.
Besides, she didn’t have the energy to overanalyse it.
She slipped into the bed beside him and he immediately turned off the light and pulled her into his arms so she was lying on his bare chest. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her back and it was so easy to forget everything because this was complete heaven.
Tomorrow she could go back to being firm about nothing happening between them but tonight she could easily believe she was exactly where she belonged.