22. Jerk husband.
TWENTY-TWO
Jerk husband.
Bailey
Evil, evil Quinn.
“You devil,” I hissed, snapping my teeth at him. “Eat flesh from bones!”
“If you want a steak, I hear there are some really good steakhouses in Vegas, but you’ll have to wait until lunch.” Quinn chuckled and bumped his nose against mine with no fear of me or my sharp, pointy teeth. “Bite me again. It tickles nicely.”
Jerk husband. I struggled beneath him, and since he’d asked so nicely, I chomped on his shoulder. “Up! Up! You fat.”
“If I let you up, you will go rampage some more. The napalm is burned out, and they’re about to soak the place down. If I let you up, you’ll dig under the nearest pile of debris trying to avoid the water.”
“No water. Water bad.”
“We need to be detoxed, Bailey.”
“No. No. We die if we get wet.”
“We’re not going to die. We’re just going to be cold and miserable for twenty minutes. Then we can shift back to human, get dressed, and go to our hotel. You can punish me extra for making you get wet.”
“You just want to be pun-ished. It’s not a pun-ish-ment if you like.” I sighed. “No fair.”
“Yes,” he replied, and he nuzzled my neck. “And if you’re cold and tired when we get in, I’ll tuck you in and take care of you. I’ll enjoy it immensely.”
“You just enjoy not having to work for a few weeks.”
“That, too. I was going to plan a wedding ceremony, but I think my relatives may have gone overboard, mutinied, and taken over.”
“More time for us in hotel. Get good baby-sitter. We get children during day. Then we evict with relatives for night and have in morning,” I suggested. “We need plenty of time at night. We spend Christmas here?”
“Christmas here is the plan. We’ll have to sort our hotel situation out—assuming it wasn’t sorted out for us.”
“Your family nuts.”
“Your family might be even nuttier than my family,” he replied.
“Anubis wouldn’t tell me who! He try make me play twenty questions. I suck at game. He suck. Stupid.”
“It’ll be all right. If you don’t figure it out on your own, you’ll find out soon enough. Do you think you’re going to be scandalized when you see the showgirls?”
“After brassault, no. Show-girl boobs covered. Not covered at strip place. Not want see naked boobs. Seen too many naked boobs. Covered boobs okay.”
“I’ll only take you to a strip club if you ask me to really nicely.”
“But why? Why go? We go hotel and do strip there. Better time.”
Quinn laughed so hard he rolled off me. Before I could do more than stand, the shield overhead thrummed and a cold rain fell. I sighed, bowing my head as my coat steamed and began to cool. “This no fair. Now wet.”
“It’ll be okay,” Quinn promised. “You’ll see.”
Quinn
According to my wife, if she spent five more minutes as a sopping wet unicorn, she would surely die, the world might end, and there would never be fire anywhere on Earth ever again.
The more absurd her claims became, the harder I laughed.
I didn’t enjoy taking a neutralizer bath, but I dealt with it.
As soon as the deluge came to an end and the shield dropped, I trotted to the fence, where Tiffany offered me a change of clothes.
“Your grandfather brought your suitcase and my husband over.”
Poor Perkins. “And how is your husband?”
“He threw up on your grandfather. And then he threw up on your uncle. Were you aware the Devil is your uncle? Your grandfather and your uncle are bickering. I expected that, but they’re bickering in a surprisingly friendly fashion.
I’m not sure how one can be your grandfather and the other can be your uncle, though. ”
“As a matter of fact, yes. I’m aware. The Devil is technically my great uncle, but he prefers uncle.
I’m wise enough to give the Devil what he wants without a fight.
Is Arthur all right?” Perkins throwing up on my relatives hadn’t been part of any plan, but it would keep the bickering divine busybodies occupied while I got changed and coaxed Bailey into shapeshifting back to human.
“He’ll be all right. It’ll be an hour or two until his stomach settles, so expect some whining.”
Whining I could handle. I could even handle vomit, but I’d much rather let my relatives handle any vomiting. Taking my clothes in my teeth, I trotted over to the tankers, and squeezed between them so I wouldn’t give the crews a show.
Bailey would appreciate my jeans and t-shirt, as she loved when I dressed down almost as much as when I was in my uniform.
Stretching to work out the kinks from transforming, I strolled back to Tiffany. “That’s much better. Thank you. So, how is Arthur really? Please tell me the vomiting has stopped.”
“Stop being a worrywart. He’ll be fine. One of the CDC reps is taking care of him, and the Devil and your grandfather are arguing over who could teleport him better. I think Arthur’s allergic to teleportation magic.”
“Wouldn’t he break out in hives if he’s allergic?”
“Maybe intolerant. Who knows? Honestly, I may have upset your relatives.”
I stared at her. “How?”
“I asked why couldn’t they teleport my husband without getting him sick. Bailey can. I mean, he still turns green, but he can handle her catching a sunbeam fairly okay now. He doesn’t throw up. Not like this.”
“Poor Arthur.” I caught Tiffany in a hug and patted her back. “Thank you for taking care of Bailey.”
While embracing her, I concentrated, searching for the markers of a fertile woman. To my amusement, I could sense that a few of my pesky relatives had taken a turn ensuring she was no longer barren.
I couldn’t wait until she figured out she’d been played by my entire family.
Tiffany hugged me back. “Any time. You do need to make sure you let her get some more rest, but it’ll be better now that you’re on the same shift with her. You’ve both been stressed thanks to not being able to see each other enough.”
“Quinn,” my wife whined, and she wormed her way across the torched ground.
Tiffany covered her mouth with her hands. “She’s not even trying to walk, Sam. She’s slithering. On her back while waving her hooves in the air.”
“I noticed. She was doing that in the napalm, too. She didn’t want me to light it up, either. And I had to goad her into doing her share of the work.”
“I’m cold, Quinn,” Bailey complained, wiggling her way over until she wrapped her impressive bulk around my legs. “I’m wet.”
“Well, if you shift back to human, you’ll only be wet, and you’ll only be wet because you’re making me wet.” I bent over and scratched under her chin. “I can’t take you to the hotel if you’re still a unicorn.”
“Can, too. Drag behind truck. No care. Too tired.”
“I promise it took a lot more energy to slither over here than it would’ve taken you to walk.”
“No logic. Bad. Logic bad.”
“I’m going to make my grandfather help you shift if you don’t do it on your own.”
“But it hurts,” my wife complained. “No want more hurty.”
Poor Bailey. I smiled at her, crouched, and scratched behind her ears. “Hungover already?”
“No fair.”
“I can get you the hangover medication once we’re in Vegas, and I’ll pamper you all you want. It’ll be easier on you if you shift yourself.”
“Can grandfather cure hangovers?”
“He probably won’t. He’s the kind to let us suffer for our indulgences.”
“Indulged much. Deserve hangover.”
“Do you have Bailey’s clothes, Tiffany?”
“And a nice, warm blanket so she won’t put on a show shifting for everyone.
” Tiffany left long enough to bring a silvery thermal blanket and a pile of folded clothes.
“Janet’s out like a light in the ambulance, by the way.
She’s fine, but she must have been pretty tired before she got petrified.
They were doing a check, and she decided to fall asleep on them.
Since she’s your cop, they want you to decide if she’s going to the hospital. ”
“She is, and she’s getting a rabies treatment.”
Tiffany set Bailey’s clothes down and handed me the blanket. “I’ll let them know while you get her to shift.”
I waited for Tiffany to get out of earshot before draping the blanket over my shivering wife. “Time to shift, Bailey. I’ll warm you up properly at the hotel. I will go make my grandfather force you to shift if you won’t do it on your own. I don’t want you getting sick.”
She whined about my terrible, cruel ways, but a shiver ran through her body as she cooperated.
I held the blanket ready while her unicorn form dissolved, and she reversed back to human.
I covered her up with the thermal blanket, tucking it in around her before gathering her clothes and helping her get changed.
The sneezes warned me the neutralizer bath hadn’t done her any favors, but with my grandfather nearby and CDC reps underfoot, I figured if she got sick, someone would be able to deal with it. Once she finished dressing, I scooped her up, ignoring her tired protests.
Tiffany met me halfway to the tankers, and she snickered. “She’s not a doll, Sam. She can probably walk.”
“I’m walking for her.” The complaining I expected didn’t come, and when I checked on my wife, I discovered she’d taken a page out of Janet’s book. “Do you think someone asleep can walk? I’m not sure I should put this to the test, Tiffany.”
Tiffany peeked at my wife, laughed, and shook her head.
“Okay. I’m an idiot. She did run across half the damned country looking for Janet.
I’d say she’s earned a nap.” She pointed near the tankers.
“Your family is over there with Arthur. Someone is bringing a vehicle for us. They’re taking Janet to the hospital now. ”
“Good. I’ll get Bailey settled at our hotel and then go see her and take care of the paperwork.”
“Someone from the FBI is taking care of the paperwork.”
My brows rose at that. “Really?”
“You’ll be questioned at the hotel.”
“Did they saddle you with coordination work?”