Chapter Eight
Stillbirth.
That’s what Zara’s previous twenty-three hours had been medically called, but in real terms it was torturous anguish, a monumental heartache beyond anything she’d ever imagined possible.
From being told there was no heartbeat, to having to take a series of tablets to induce birth, then going through everything she would’ve done to meet their baby if things had gone as planned, it all felt distressingly surreal.
Jay’s arrival right before she’d been told to push with all her might had been the only godsend in her many hours of hell.
Then, holding their precious baby girl for the first and last time, she’d felt an overwhelming surge of love and grief intertwine within her.
Through her tear-blurred vision, she’d marvelled at their tiny beloved’s delicate features — the little hands that would never grasp her finger, the button nose that would never nuzzle against her chest, the tiny eyes that would never see the magic of this world.
Jay had stood stoically beside her, his strong presence a solid pillar of support as they’d navigated the unfathomable loss together.
It was within the hushed hospital room, surrounded by a profound stillness broken only by their quiet sobs, that they’d said their goodbyes.
And as the weight of reality had settled heavily upon them, they’d made a promise to each other and their daughter, Ivy Monroe Maverick, to remember her always, and to honour her memory in their hearts forever.
In an eternal march, the hours and days had then stretched on, and Zara had found herself drifting in and out of a haze of pain, denial and sorrow.
Jay had remained with her the entire time.
Suzanne had been there as much as possible, only returning home when the hospital staff forced her to.
Nurses and shift doctors had come and gone, offering hollow words of comfort that had fallen like lead upon her ears while she’d lain in her hospital bed, a helpless mess, longing for the emptiness to consume her, to numb the ache in her chest that mirrored the absence within her womb.
They’d agonisingly planned a private funeral, one for just the three of them, when they should’ve been planning a joyful celebration to be shared with family and friends.
They’d picked out a coffin for Ivy to sleep in forever when they should have been rocking her to sleep in their arms. They’d faced a future no parent should ever have to survive.
Three days after her world imploded, leaving the hospital had been a blur of numbness and emptiness.
Everything had seemed to be moving in slow motion as she and Jay stepped out and into the harsh light of day, their arms empty where they should have been full.
Grief had hung heavy around them like a suffocating dark cloud, waiting to burst at its blackened seams in a storm like no other.
And it would for quite some time. Of that, Zara was certain.
How could it not? If only she could wake from the nightmare, but this was excruciatingly real.
She had to wade through it, and hopefully reach the other side somewhat healed, somewhat together.
Because once the world stopped tilting and spinning, she understood she was going to have to find a way to rise above the fathomless hurt.
But not for now.
For now, she needed to feel the utter heartbreak, she needed to allow herself the freedom to grieve, and Jay needed to do the same.
And as the sun dipped below the horizon on the day they buried their darling little Ivy, painting the sky with strokes of burnt-orange sorrow, she found she could no longer cry.
Having wept oceans while wrapped within Jay’s embrace, crying for a child she would never hear cry, her tears had all but dried up.
Yet, as broken as she felt, even as night embraced the world outside her bedroom window, she felt a glimmer of solace in the knowledge that she wouldn’t face the coming darkness alone.
Jay’s unwavering love would be her lighthouse, guiding them together as they navigated the treacherous waters of loss.
And Suzanne and Mark’s unconditional friendships would be the support that both she and Jay needed.
She knew Mark had felt his own anguish as a parent lately. Much as he had tried, his marriage had come to a bitter end, and his now ex-wife Kelly seemed hell bent on keeping him from seeing his beautiful young daughter Jasmine. Yet through it all he had never failed to be there for Jay.
Turning her weary gaze to the fan spinning above, Zara absently traced the intricate pattern of the quilt beneath her fingertips when a soft creak announced Jay’s presence before his silhouette filled the doorway.
His tall frame cast a shadow that stretched across the wooden floorboards, contrasting against the varnished sun-bleached planks.
He stood there for a moment, a beacon of strength and comfort, his beautiful blue eyes red-rimmed, his usual, natural, smile absent.
‘Hey,’ he murmured, his deep voice a gentle wave lapping at the shores of her solitude.
‘Hey,’ she echoed back, her word barely a ripple in the vast ocean of her thoughts. ‘Come, sit with me for a little bit.’ She shifted on the bed, making room for him alongside her.
Sinking onto the edge of their bed, Jay found her hand with his, his thumb caressing the crescents etched into her knuckles.
He was close enough for warmth but also mindful not to invade her space.
Then he waited patiently for her to speak if she felt she needed to.
And she adored him for that. For often knowing her better than she knew herself.
‘It feels like …’ she started, her words catching in her throat as if unsure whether they should float or sink. ‘Like I’m some kind of barren land, incapable of nurturing life.’
‘Zara.’ Jay’s voice was soft but firm, cutting through the fog of doubts. ‘You’re the most vibrant and life-giving soul I’ve ever known. This, what’s happened to us, it doesn’t define you, nor will it define us.’
Her eyes, pools of honeyed brown, met his deep sea of blue, searching for the reassurance that she was struggling to find in herself. But instead, and in spite of his reassurances, she saw the reflection of her fears in the dark shadows that danced just beneath the surface of his.
‘Every time I picture our future,’ she said, clearing the lump of emotion just enough to push words past it, ‘it’s like I’m staring into the abyss, Jay. What if I can’t give you a family? What if …’
‘Shh.’ Jay placed a finger gently upon her lips, quieting her squall of worries. ‘Our family is already here. It’s you and me, Zaza. Whatever comes next, we’ll face it together.’
In the comforting silence that followed, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her gently against his chest. Her head found its place over his heartbeat, each thump a comforting drumbeat against the gentle lull of her own.
‘Do you remember all the times we’ve sat on the beaches all around the world to watch the tide roll in?’ he eventually whispered, his breath stirring the soft curls by her ear.
‘Mm-hmm,’ she breathed.
‘Do you recall how it always shapes the sand, leaving behind new patterns with every wave?’ He pulled back just a little, so he could capture her gaze with his. ‘Well, that’s us, my love. We’re constantly reshaped by life’s challenges, but we’re never broken.’
His words took her by surprise, in a deeply soul-stirring kind of way, and she let out a breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding.
Feeling the sheer strength of his conviction, the exhale carried away some of the weight on her heart, and helped steady the shaky ground she was precariously balancing on.
‘Thank you,’ she finally said, her words muffled against the fabric of his shirt. ‘For being my rock when the sand beneath me shifts.’
‘Always,’ he promised, his hand tracing soothing circles on her back. ‘I’ve got you, my love, now and forever, no matter what.’
‘I know you do, and I love you all the more for it.’ Every word struggled past the emotion lodged in her throat.
While they sat cuddled up together, trying to steady aftershocks while holding onto the hope of a happy future, the incomprehensible ache of loss remained a hollow echo in their hearts.
But in the tender grasp of Jay’s unwavering support, she found a glimpse of the courage she’d need to survive this.
And eventually, with their bedside lamp providing the only light in their darkened world, she turned to meet his gaze, and her tortured heart buoyed.
Despite the shadows beneath his eyes and the weight of their shared grief, he still emanated an inner light that drew her towards him like a moth to a flame.
What was more, this time, within his deep blue eyes, she saw a reflection not just of her own heartbreak, but also of their bond — strong and unbreakable.
‘Remember the albatross we saw on our last trip?’ she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘How it soared over the ocean, riding the currents without a flap of its wings?’
‘I sure do,’ he responded, warmth resonating in his voice. ‘It trusted the wind to carry it.’
‘Maybe that’s what we’re doing now,’ she continued, her heart filling with a newfound strength. ‘Trusting in something greater than ourselves.’
Jay nodded, his fingers intertwining with hers as if to reaffirm their connection.
In the shared silence that followed, he lay down with his arms wrapped soothingly around her, and they allowed themselves to be enveloped by the night, its serenade a salve to their weary spirits.
Together, Zara instinctively knew that they’d make it through this.
They had to. Because she could never imagine her life without Jay to share it.
* * *