Chapter 40
WHAT IF IT DOES?
Trina
The door to my studio apartment swings shut as Aubrey and I step inside on Saturday evening.
It smells of paint and freshness, and finally I feel some joy in my own space.
It’s starting to look like home, especially when Nacho scrambles around my feet to say hi.
I scoop up his cuteness and give him a kiss in greeting.
“Missed you, but we were only at the farmers’ market for a half hour,” I say.
In dog time, that’s forever, so he takes another minute to kiss me before settling into his bed with a satisfied huff.
I head to the kitchen counter where Aubrey sets the daisies we bought in a vase, then takes a step back to survey the room.
“There,” I say since it’s finally come together, and Aubrey’s been helping me make it look like home. My little home with my little dog. Just us. “Looks good. Thanks to the flowers.”
Aubrey takes in the scene with an approving eye, but then turns on her eagle-eyed-friend vision. “The place looks great, but now that we’re alone, tell me—how are you really doing?”
My heart aches in response. “Sad,” I admit, before quickly pushing away the thought and forcing a more optimistic tone in my voice. “But you know what? It’ll be okay. Eventually it will be okay.”
“You don’t have to be a tough girl with me,” she says as she heads to the couch that came with the place. Furnished studio for the win.
“It’s been almost a week. I’m fine. I’m just fine,” I say, staying strong, keeping my chin up.
“Are you though?” she asks, not letting this go.
She pats the couch, and I join her, slumping against her, grateful to admit the full truth. “I miss them still. I have all week. So much it hurts. But what can I do?”
I sit up, exhaling, trying to let them go once again like I’ve done every day for the last week. I’ve had no luck though. There’s a Chase-and-Ryker-sized hole in my heart, and it shows no signs of mending.
“Well,” she says, meeting my eyes, “you could talk to them.”
I shudder. “Talk. Ugh. What is that? That sounds terrifying.”
She laughs, but then quickly turns serious again. “You could though, Trina,” she urges.
“But I did. I literally told them,” I say, and she knows because she’s heard the story. She heard it the day I drowned my sorrows with her in nachos—well, they’re a favorite—and cheap wine and friendship. “And Chase said nothing, and Ryker basically said hey, I had a good week.”
“I know, but I just think with everything that went down, maybe Chase was really rattled. I think he was truly trying to help. And I think Ryker was pissed because he’s already madly in love with you.”
I wish I had her optimism. Truly, I do. “That doesn’t mean he wants to be with me. And it’s fine. I mean, who finds their two true loves a few weeks after a horrible ex cheats on them? That stuff doesn’t happen.”
The stuff that does happen is this—longing, missing, wanting. But then, figuring out how to move on. I’ll have to do that, even though I ache terribly for the two men I never expected to fall for.
“But what if it does?” Aubrey asks, encouragingly.
The question is too tempting. Too alluring. It’s a question for book club. A question for starry-eyed dreamers. One I’ll ask the ladies tomorrow night.
In the real world? No matter how much I wish it were true—and I wish for it from the bottom of my soul—it can’t be.
I used to think the three of us couldn’t be a thing because of my family. Because of my sister. Because of all their unmet expectations of me. But sometime in the week I spent with Chase and Ryker, I learned to let go of their life plans for me.
To embrace my own un-plan.
I came to accept myself, and my own quirky, messy, making-it-up-as-I-go-along choices. Including the one to fall for two men. To imagine a future with two men. To see that as a bright, new possibility, with me and my two guys.
I was ready that night after the wedding. Ready to say screw the world, let’s be together anyway.
But I told them I was falling for them, and they didn’t see it the same way. I’ll have to keep moving forward into my own messy future, full of unpredictable choices.
Even though the question Aubrey asked plays on repeat for the next day.
What if it does?