30. Chanice
Chanice
He had to leave before I woke up, but his words linger even with his presence gone. I feel them on my skin, I see them float through the room, and I taste them on my tongue as I repeat them over and over again. He loves me.
Me, a woman who has been so sharpened by life that trying to hold her comes at the risk of being cut.
Me, who seems incapable of giving anything beyond my body.
He has taken every little piece I have shared and added them up enough to create a person worth loving.
Even the frayed and broken parts that I haven’t even learned to like.
I never knew that being loved by someone could feel like this. For once in my life, I feel seen for more than what I can do for someone. I have nothing but myself to offer to him, and it’s enough. I’m enough. Never for my mom, never for this world, but to him I am everything.
This is further driven home by the painting of me hanging above his bed. Finally, having filled the space, he thought this part of his world should showcase how he sees me.
I swirl in the sheets and wrap them tighter around me as I fight the giggles pouring out of my mouth. For the first time ever I feel as young as I am, and that means I’m a blushing twenty-something-year-old who is infatuated with a man.
I know I love him, too. I’ve known since the moment I thought I might lose him. But how do I tell him in a way that makes him feel it as thoroughly as I do? With every action, he has spelled out the word, and now it’s my turn to give him the same.
I start by cleaning up the room, setting things right. Then I rush out to the store to buy everything I need. Having my own key card, I come back with no problems and start cooking.
By the time I hear the elevator, I’m almost done.
“You’re still here,” he says in awe before wrapping his arms around my waist.
I spin and pull him in for a kiss as searing as the hot pan cooking the steak. We don’t stop until my internal timer tells me it’s time to take out the New York strips and let them rest.
“What’s all this?” he asks, putting down his laptop bag.
“This is my love language,” I say, pulling him to the dining room table.
There laid out is pesto bacon-wrapped pork, three mushroom risotto, candied brussels sprouts, and ricotta mashed potatoes. His eyes widen as he takes it all in.
I guide him to sit and then go and get the steaks and wine.
“You made all of this?”
“I wanted to show you what you mean to me.”
This gets a smile out of him before he unwraps his napkin and places it on his lap. I make his plate and pour his drink, all while looking at him like I’m incapable of staring anywhere else.
He doesn’t take his eyes off of me, either, even when he drags my chair closer to his at the table. When I sit, our knees bump and our arms touch. Especially as he takes bites.
After each one, he moans and looks at me again like it’s the first time he is seeing me.
“You like it?” I feel like I am asking if he likes what I am trying to say. The words really mean: Do you know how I feel?
He smiles, and I let out a breath. Grabbing my hand, he holds it through the whole meal, squeezing it like at any moment I might disappear. But I know that I won’t. I’m here for as long as he will have me.
When I bring out the three-layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling, my chest tightens from lack of oxygen again. Putting it down in front of him, we both look at the words spelled out on top.
I love you.
I want to say more. I want to give all the words I have and hope they write out the future I see for us, but I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. So instead, I watch as he watches me. He rubs his eyes, and I know, like me, how much those words mean in this context.
“Truly?” he asks.
“As you are,” I say.
He pulls me up and holds me tight against his chest. His heart is beating fast, and I hope the heavy beats are it learning a new rhythm.
One that pumps this love throughout his whole body, fixing the parts of him that have been lacking the oxygen of acceptance since his birth.
I want the transfusion of my affection to make up for what his parents didn’t give.
If this won’t be enough, I will work each day to show him how much I mean it. Just like he is doing for me.
He pushes everything up on the table and feasts on me like he did the food. When he’s done, we make love in a way that can only happen when you have shared your heart with someone else.
Lying there after, tangled together, I can’t even begin to separate myself from him. And honestly, I don’t want to.
Having viewed the townhouse by myself to avoid getting their hopes up, this is the first time the kids are seeing their new home.
I know, much like me, they are going to lose their minds at having four bedrooms and four baths, because honestly, it’s like a movie ending.
Between this place, my job, and him, everything would be perfect if it weren’t for this pending court case.
Pushing that thought to the side, I choose to instead pay attention to their reaction. Seeing how nice the street is made them instantly quiet down, like they have to be on their best behavior. When we reach our place, they hesitantly look around.
“This way,” I say, leading them towards the door. I give the key to Gabby to do the honors, and she takes too long based on Jamal’s sigh.
Once she gets it open, their collective gasps are the only noise.
Rushing in, Gabby doesn’t wait for us to explore.
Jamal looks at me for permission before he runs off after her.
I already put signs on the doors, marking which one belongs to them to stave off fights, but it doesn’t stop them from going from room to room.
The whole place is spacious, with large windows in the living area.
All the bedrooms are huge with walk-in closets, and Imani’s and Jamal’s rooms branch off into their own bathrooms. The kitchen is my own personal fantasy with a gas stove, island, and washer and dryer.
The whole place is a blank canvas waiting for us to build our lives in.
There is a small ache at leaving the only home I have known for the whole time I’ve had the kids, but this was the better option.
Thankfully, Lenny understood and accepted an extra month of rent as an apology.
Forever grateful to him for his help all these years, I also offer to work at the pizza shop whenever he needs.
This is the amends I make to be able to give them a better life.
Imani takes her time, returning to the living room last. She is just in time to hear Jamal say, “You sellin’ drugs?”
Not quite sure how to explain this to them, I beckon for us to all sit on the floor.
“So before we talk about this, I just want to say the full year is paid for.”
“What?” Imani asks, already in the know about how we are affording this.
“Once again, are you selling drugs?” Jamal pulls at his fro before catching my eyes and patting it back down.
“No, um, Alex from the hospital, that guy, well, we are dating, and he offered to pay for our place.”
Gabby claps, and Jamal looks more concerned than he did when he thought I was a trap queen.
“That a good idea?” he asks.
“We didn’t have many other choices,” Imani says.
“I had figured it out. This was just the better option. This way I can work only one job, and be around more. Also, we can finally have some savings. Enough that if he doesn’t renew the lease, we will have money to move somewhere else.”
He releases a breath at that and stops picking at his hair.
“She can also be a chef now,” Imani says, sounding so proud.
“Will you make the people your cheesy shepherd’s pie?” Gabby asks, reminding me of one of my better budget meals.
“Maybe. But tonight I’ll cook something good to show you what I can do with fresh ingredients.”
This gets them all excited and motivated to start moving.
With the money I saved for rent, I was able to thrift enough bed frames and mattresses for the three of them to have full-sized ones, and I took on the single from Jamal’s room for now.
That with our dressers and reliable, if not run-down, couch, we have enough to get by for a while.
Alex’s housewarming gift, because apparently the place itself wasn’t enough, is a new sixty-inch TV with subscriptions included, which gets a louder applause than the beds did.
It also causes them to stop unpacking once the deliverer sets it up. I let them indulge and create profiles while I get the food started. Just as I get the beef tenderloin in the oven, Jamal walks into the kitchen. Still nervous around the stove, he stands back near the door.
“You okay, love?” I ask.
“I want to meet this guy. I don’t trust him.” He crosses his arms and lifts his chin, going into full-blown brother mode.
“That’s fair, but you trust me, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Just know I wouldn’t do anything to put you guys at risk. There is no way for him to sabotage this.”
So used to our mum’s choice in men, I get him having his concerns. On more than one occasion, they screwed us over once our mother wasn’t satisfying them anymore. One of the many reasons I also didn’t trust this at first.
“It’s not just that. This is the first time you are dating someone.
Well, that we know of. I don’t want you to get hurt.
” He comes and wraps his arms around my middle, squeezing me tight, reminding me once again that they care about me as much as I care about them.
When he lets go, he grabs my hand. “I just want to make sure he is good to you. Paying for things is cool and all, but other stuff matters too.”
So proud of him for knowing that, I have to stop myself from crying at the display of how well they are turning out. Despite all odds, these kids are going to be equipped for this world.
“Don’t worry, I know that, and I made sure he was able to do the other stuff before I let him pay for anything big. But I still think it’s good for you guys to check him out.”
He lifts his chest and somehow makes himself look a little taller. In a few years, he’ll be a teenager, and someone will need to help whatever little boys like Gabby.
I give him another hug for good measure and then join them in the living room. When Gabby tastes the food, she proclaims this is her new favorite, making us all laugh.
We push all the mattresses in front of the TV and sprawl out all together. Despite all the space we now have, we still don’t want to be too far from each other. Through the good times and the bad, our bond is solidified. Even if our mother tries to come between us, I will make sure it stays strong.
I guess I’m not the only one thinking about that because after the second movie, Jamal sighs.
“What are you going to do with this place when they send us back?” he asks.
“If,” Imani says instantly.
He rolls his eyes.
“She’s right, it’s an “if”. I got us a solicitor, and she says we have a good case.”
“Are we rich now?” Gabby asks, crossing her arms.
“No, but we’re good, and we will keep being good.”
“But if she does take us, what happens?” Jamal continues.
I pull him into my side and grab his hand. “Then I will keep fighting until I get you back. She is bound to mess up again, and we will make sure they know about it right away. I’ll keep coming for you guys.”
“Maybe she’s changed,” Gabby says, and Jamal shoots daggers at her with his eyes.
“Maybe she has.” I sigh. At least, hopefully, enough not to further traumatize them.
“Imani won’t be there with us this time,” Jamal says, his lower lip quivering.
Imani and I look at each other, the same realization coming over us. If she kicked me out at sixteen because I was competition, there is no way she is going to let Imani live there.
“Fuck,” she says and covers her eyes.
Gabby starts to cry, and I feel my breath shorten. I don’t want to sacrifice one sibling for the others, but the two of them can’t be without her.
“We won’t lose,” I say, because we can’t. Because it can’t just be the two of them in that house.
“You don’t know that.”
I look at Jamal as he says the words, and feel my chest tighten.
I fight to keep my voice steady. “You’re right, but I’ll do whatever it takes.
Even if I have to offer for her to live here.
She won’t give up the opportunity to stay in this nice place and not have to pay rent.
She’ll just have to let Imani and I stay, too. ”
This gets him to perk up, and everyone calms down a little. It’s not ideal, but it’s a plan. It’s something, if the system fails us again.
“We’ll be okay,” I promise, knowing damn well that I shouldn’t. But I know I mean it when I say I’ll do whatever it takes. No matter what.