Chapter Thirty-Five
JAKE
I n the back of my mind, I knew she would eventually want kids, but I had chosen to ignore it. This was one of the things I’d been afraid of when considering a relationship with her, and for this reason alone, I shouldn’t have let it happen. My heart was shattering in my chest because I was in love with her, but I wasn’t going to be able to give her what she wanted most.
Because I didn’t want any more kids.
How could I tell her that now and break her heart and my own? My stomach was in knots as I lay in bed thinking about it all night long, and more than once, I buried my face in my pillow so I wouldn’t wake the girls with my sobs. I never slept, and I got up earlier than usual to take a hot shower, hoping it would help me feel better. But it didn’t. I rested my head against the shower wall, my tears mixing with the water at my feet and swirling down the drain. When the water turned cold, I dragged myself back to my room to get dressed, but instead of getting ready for work, I threw on sweats and a sweatshirt. There was no way I could go to work today.
I looked out my bedroom window and saw Natalia’s light on. She would be coming over soon, and the thought brought on the tears again. All I wanted was to pretend her comments about children hadn’t happened. But the longer this continued, the more it would hurt us both, so I made myself go out to the guest house.
Natalia was surprised to see me at the door.
“Good morning.” Her smile broke my heart, and she threw her arms around me. I wrapped my arms loosely around her, even though I wanted to draw her as close as possible. “Mmm. You smell good. All clean and fresh.” She nuzzled my neck and pressed a kiss there, and I closed my eyes and enjoyed this last intimate moment before unwinding her arms from me and taking a step back.
The smile slid from her face, replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“We need to talk.”
She let me inside, and we moved into her tiny living room. My heart raced, and my hands shook as she sat down on the couch. And her disappointment was obvious, when I chose the chair across the room from her.
“I don’t know where to start.” My knee began to bounce. “I really don’t want to do this.”
I could see how worried she was already, and I didn’t want to draw this out. For both our sakes.
“I want you to know I care so much about you. You are an incredible, beautiful woman, and I never want to do anything but what is best for you. ”
Her mouth fell open. “No,” she breathed. “You’re not …”
“If I’d only stuck to my earlier decision and left you alone, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
“What did I do wrong?”
My shoulders sagged. “Oh, baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is all me.”
“It’s not you, it’s me? That’s what you’re going with?” Tears filled her eyes, and I felt like the world’s worst man. “Is this because of what I said last night about telling the girls? Because you were acting all quiet after that, and you didn’t say ‘I love you’ before I left.”
“Natalia …”
“It is. I knew it. We don’t have to tell them right now. You’re their dad, and I trust you to choose the best time.”
“It’s not about that.”
Her brow wrinkled. “It’s not? Then I don’t understand.”
“You deserve someone who can give you everything you want and make your dreams come true.”
“You are my dream come true.”
I raked my fingers through my hair and fought back tears.
“I don’t want any more kids.” I forced the words out and watched as the realization came over her.
“I didn’t mean right away, Jake.” The sadness in her voice was killing me. “There’s plenty of time for me to have a baby. We can take some time, just for us, before we talk about that again.”
“I can’t give you that, Natalia. I’m sorry.”
“But why?” Tears streamed down her face, and all I wanted was to take her in my arms and kiss away the pain I was causing .
“The time for me to have kids has passed. I’ve known for a long time I don’t want any more. This is why I fought my feelings for you for so long. I knew you wanted this someday, but still, I was selfish and started something with you anyway.”
Her shoulders shook as her head fell forward, tears dripping onto her lap.
“I’m so sorry, Natalia.” I didn’t know what to do.
Then, her hands began to shake, and her breathing sounded shallow, as if she was gasping for air.
“Are you okay?” I stood up, and she held her hand out between us.
My heart thumped wildly in my chest. She was clearly struggling, so I kneeled down in front of her until she looked at me.
“Try to slow your breathing, Natalia.”
She gasped again and again, and I took hold of her trembling hand.
“Take deep breaths. In and out. Like this … In.” I breathed in slowly. “And out.” I slowly blew it out, then repeated it over and over until she started to follow suit and finally seemed to catch her breath.
I’d never felt worse in my life than watching the woman I loved having a panic attack and knowing I was the cause.
“You’re okay.” I took her head in my hands and kissed her forehead, then ran my hands down the length of her hair several times. “You’re okay.” I think I was saying it more for myself than for her.
“Can you please go?” The whimpering sound of her voice shattered my heart into a million pieces.
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Ple-ease.” The word was interrupted by a sob .
I stood and walked to the door but stopped just inside and looked back. “You don’t have to come to work today. I’m taking the day off.”
Her cries broke me, and I reluctantly left her there, alone. I could barely see the sidewalk on the way back to the house. This hurt so much worse than when I found out Kate was leaving me. But as much as I loved Natalia, I knew this was the right decision for all of us.
Back in the house, I went straight to the half bath to attempt to collect myself before the girls woke up. I covered my face with the hand towel and cried until I was spent. Splashing my face with water did nothing to hide my bloodshot eyes or blotchy cheeks, but I left the room anyway and went about making pancakes for the girls for breakfast. I was so lost in my thoughts that I burned the first batch.
“What’s that smell?” Nora said when she came into the kitchen.
“I burned some pancakes.”
“Why are you making us breakfast?”
“Because I’m taking a sick day,” I snapped loudly.
Nora was quiet, and I looked over at her, standing there wide-eyed, staring at me.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”
“Why are your eyes all puffy like that?”
“I didn’t sleep well last night.”
Her eyes searched mine, and then she looked toward the door and back at me. “Where’s Tally?”
My stomach sank. The sadness was overwhelming. “I gave her the day off.”
“She was supposed to help me with my homework tonight.”
“I’ll help you. ”
She made a face. “Sure, Dad.”
“Maybe you can go see her in the guest house later.”
“Okay.”
That seemed to please her, so I went back to making pancakes. As I flipped the first batch, I saw Natalia leave the guest house with a suitcase. My stomach dropped, and panic took over. She was leaving, and my life felt like one giant burned pancake.