Chapter Thirty-Six
TALLY
H e did what?” Jessa screeched after I called her crying and woke her up.
“Can I come stay with you for a few days? I can’t be here right now, and I don’t want to go home. My family will want to talk it out, and I just can’t.”
“Of course. I’ll unlock the door for you. Come whenever. Just wake me when you get here.”
“Thank you,” I whimpered.
“It’s gonna be okay, Tal.”
“I feel like I’m dying.”
“I know the feeling, but you’ll survive,” she said.
“My heart’s been torn out of my chest. I can’t live without a heart.”
“Your heart will heal. Trust me.”
After we hung up, I quickly threw some things into one of my suitcases.
And then my phone blew up .
Penny: Tally, are you OK? Jessa just texted me.
Ellie: I wish I wasn’t eight hours away. I want to hug you so hard right now.
Jessa: I want to go over and beat the crap out of that guy.
Penny: Violence will solve nothing.
Jessa: It will make me feel good. Guys suck.
Penny: Not helping.
Penny: Do you want us to come over, Tal?
Jessa: She’s coming to stay with me for a few days so her family isn’t all up in her business.
Penny: OK. I’ll come over on my lunch.
Jessa: Only if you bring us food.
Penny: Already planned on it.
Penny: Love you, Tally.
Ellie: Love you, Tal. (Heart emoji) Sending all my love and prayers your way.
Jessa: Love you. I’m going back to bed until you get here.
The love and support of my friends lifted my mood a fraction, but I wasn’t kidding. I felt like curling up in a ball in the corner and dying. People weren’t exaggerating about how excruciating a broken heart was. My chest felt tight, my heart ached, and my head throbbed from crying so hard. It was awful. The worst kind of pain. And every time I thought the crying was over, I’d think about being without him, and the tears would begin again.
I escaped the guest house as quickly as I could, avoided looking toward the main house as I left, and headed to Jessa’s. All the while, I couldn’t stop going over every moment of our relationship, trying to figure out what I could’ve done differently so that this wouldn’t have happened. I felt responsible because of what I’d said about children. And I wanted to run back into his arms and tell him I didn’t need kids, that we could raise his daughters and be perfectly happy. But I knew it wouldn’t make a difference to him because he knew the truth. He knew I wanted children of my own. And he would never let me give up that dream for him.
I never want to do anything but what is best for you.
Tears pricked my eyes. His decision may have been because he thought it was best for me, but it felt like the worst thing that had ever happened in my life. I didn’t know how it could ever get better. All I wanted was him.
When I got to Jessa’s, I didn’t wake her. Just being in her apartment, away from Jake’s, helped. And considering Jessa’s viewpoint on men and dating, I knew she’d probably badmouth Jake, and that wasn’t what I needed. So, I lay down on the couch and cried on and off until I heard the door open when Penny arrived.
I peeked over the back of the couch at her as she dropped the take-out bag onto the kitchen table.
“Hey, how are you doing?” She came over and sat down to hug me.
I cried onto her shoulder for a while, and she rubbed my back and gave me words of encouragement and love.
“Where’s Jessa?” she asked when we finally let go.
“Asleep. I didn’t want to wake her. ”
“I’ll wake her. You go dig in.”
I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I did as she said, nibbling on sweet potato fries from Jimmy’s.
Jessa came out of her bedroom at the end of the hall. “How come you didn’t wake me?”
“I didn’t feel like talking, so I let you sleep.”
She put an arm around me. “I’m sorry you got dumped.”
“Jessa!” Penny scolded.
“What? She did. No sense tiptoeing around it.”
“I don’t like this,” I told them. “It hurts so bad.”
“I know, sweetie,” Penny said. “But we’re here for you. We’ll help you get through it.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get over him.”
“You will,” Jessa said. “And you’ll be better off.”
I wasn’t sure how his not being part of my life would ever feel like a good thing.
We ate lunch and chatted about Penny’s final plans for her wedding in two weeks. I was thankful for the change of subject so I didn’t have to talk about me and Jake anymore. Penny stuck to the details and didn’t mention Lucas much—maybe to keep from rubbing their love in my face. When love worked like it did for them, it was wonderful. I guess it wasn’t meant to be for me.
After Penny went back to work, Jessa worked in her home office all afternoon, and I moped around, stared at pictures of Jake and the girls on my phone, and cried.
Just before dinner, there was a knock at the door, and I went to answer it.
On the other side stood Ellie with a travel bag over her shoulder. My vision blurred with tears. “Ell, you didn’t have to come all this way. ”
She threw her arms around me. “Are you kidding? It’s your first breakup. You need all the support you can get.”
I thought I’d cried all I could, but my cheeks were suddenly damp again.
Jessa came out of the office wearing a smile. “You made it.”
I gave her a look. “You sneak. You knew she was coming?”
“I told her not to tell you,” Ellie said.
Penny suddenly appeared in the doorway with a couple boxes of pizza. “I’m back.”
Having the four of us together again lifted my spirits a few more notches toward normal. We ate dinner and joked around and laughed, and the tiniest part of myself came back to life.
My phone vibrated, and as soon as I saw the name on the screen, my mood plummeted.
Jake: I’m sorry to bother you, but I saw you leave this morning. Should I find other arrangements for the girls this week, or will you be coming back?
In all the devastation of the day, I hadn’t thought about what would happen with my job.
Jessa noticed the message over my shoulder. “Is he kidding? He actually expects you to come back there?”
“It’s my job,” I said.
“Maybe their grandparents can watch them for a few days,” Penny said. “You shouldn’t have to be around him right now.”
“You need time,” Ellie said .
“I don’t want to abandon the girls. I love them.”
“But you also don’t want to be crying in front of them all day. It’s too new. Too fresh.”
“What if I can’t be their nanny anymore?” Tears filled my eyes again. “It would break my heart even more not to see them every day. They need me.”
“You can’t work for him after what he did,” Jessa said.
I brushed my tears away. “What should I tell him?”
“Just say you’d like the rest of the week off to think about what you want to do,” Penny advised. “Then you can make a decision.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand that,” Ellie added.
I nodded. “Yeah, okay. That’s a good idea.”
I sent off a text saying just that, and he replied with a simple “OK,” which sent me into another round of tears.
But this time, my three best friends in the world wrapped me up in their arms and let me cry it out. I felt safe and loved, and I knew they would help me through it all.
When Sunday rolled around, I knew I needed to make a decision. Either go back to work tomorrow or do what I dreaded most. The more I thought about it, the more I knew it was too soon. I couldn’t be in that house with him and the girls and not break down in tears all day. That would be confusing for the girls and would only make it that much harder for me to get over Jake .
I pulled out my phone and wrote him a message.
I need to give you my notice. I want to stay on as the girls’ nanny, but I think it would be too hard right now. If you need me to help out until you find a replacement, I can try to do that.
There was so much more I wanted to say, but I left the message short and to the point and hit send. He didn’t reply, and I realized he and the girls were probably on their way to church. The perfect time for me to pack up some of my things before they got home. Jessa went with me to the guest house, and we packed as much as we could.
What I wasn’t counting on was Jake and the girls arriving home as we were carrying things to my car when I thought I had another half an hour.
“Tally!” Ava ran toward me, and I set my boxes down and crouched down to her level to give her a hug.
“Hi, Ava.”
“I missed you,” she said. “Where have you been?”
“Visiting my friend, Jessa,” I explained.
“Are you coming home soon?”
My heart squeezed in my chest, and the tears burned my eyes as I stood.
Piper ran over and wrapped her arms around my leg, and Nora came over and hugged me too. I couldn’t hold back my tears. I stood there, hugging them, trying not to make eye contact with Jake, whose eyes I could feel on me.
Nora stared up at me. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m just happy to see you. I missed you all very much. ”
“We missed you too.” She pointed at my boxes. “Why are you putting boxes in your car?”
I didn’t know what to tell her.
“Come play,” Piper looked up at me with Puss In Boots’ sad eyes, and I wanted to give in so badly.
I brushed away my tears. “I wish I could stay, but I’m in a hurry.” I grabbed my bags as the girls fired off questions and comments at me.
“Why can’t you stay?”
“Come inside.”
“Play with me.”
“You said you’d help me with my homework,” Nora said.
I smiled down at her, then touched each of their sweet faces before walking along the sidewalk toward Jake, who had been waiting at a distance.
Though I fought not to, I made eye contact and saw him brush away a tear of his own. I didn’t even try to hide mine as I walked up to him.
“I didn’t know you’d be back before I left,” I told him.
“I got your message, and I understand. I could use someone to take the girls to and from school this week and stay with them until I get home. Marjorie and George are away, but I can try to find someone else if you can’t do it. I don’t want to make this any harder on you than necessary.”
“I can do that.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I’ll be here in time to take them tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“But I need to leave early on Friday for the wedding rehearsal. ”
“Right. The wedding’s Friday.”
We held eye contact for long, excruciating seconds, and I had to shake it off and walk away or I would’ve thrown myself into his arms.
I dropped Jessa off and cried the whole way to my parents’ house. When Jake and I got together, I never pictured living anywhere else but with him from then on, but there was safety and comfort in my childhood home, and I needed that now. I pulled into the driveway, got out, and carried a few of my things inside.
“Hello, sweetheart, I wasn’t expecting—” Mom stopped mid-sentence when she saw my face. “What’s wrong?”
I dropped my stuff on the floor and broke down in my mother’s arms.