Chapter 13
SHELBY
Jake had moved away from me and was striding toward the second bedroom down the small hallway to our left before I had even realized that the sound came from Sophie’s room.
“I want Mommy!” came a desperate cry spilling into the living room as Jake opened her door and stepped inside.
I heard Jake’s low tone trying to calm her, though I didn’t hear what he said.
More wailing.
“No! I don’t want you! I want Mommy!”
Over and over, her shrill voice screamed and struggled.
The biting innocence of a child. Not knowing why her mom left her.
Not understanding. And perhaps it was better that way.
For her. But for Jake…my hand found my mouth as my body sat frozen in place.
Several long minutes later, the screaming stopped.
The sound of Jake’s low and hushed voice filtered through the hallway, and before I could talk myself out of it, I treaded toward Sophie’s door, open just a crack, and peered inside.
Jake sat on the floor with his back to Sophie’s bed, holding his daughter across his chest and lap.
She looked like she was on the verge of going back to sleep, her eyes closed with sniffles and an occasional hiccup.
But it was Jake who held my gaze. Stopped the room.
My heart oozed out into a puddle on the floor.
His eyes were closed, his lips pressed gently against her cheek, her blonde hair splayed out over them both, a mixture of whispers and shhh’s.
His fingers were soothing her skin as he held her tight and told her he loved her, over and over again.
Painting the words onto her skin so she might never doubt.
Like he had done this very thing a thousand times before.
For the first time all night, I felt like an intruder. I made it back as far as the couch before I sat down again, looking around the cabin with fresh eyes. New eyes.
Something was amiss here.
I should have seen more of the signs. Or perhaps, I’d seen the exact sign Jake had wanted me to see. Wanted everyone to see. A master of distraction. But behind the smiles and the laughs and the bets, was a man working desperately to keep everyone out.
Before I could wonder if I should stay or go, Jake stepped out of Sophie’s room.
I eyed him carefully, this time with growing awareness.
The exhausted slump of his shoulders, the way he ran his hand through his hair as he softly closed Sophie’s door.
Looking up, he seemed almost surprised to see me still here.
With a noticeable effort on his part, he smiled my way before he sank onto the couch, this time leaving a few feet between us, his head leaned back, and his eyes closed.
“Didn’t know you’d still be here.”
I swallowed, his voice sending chills down my spine. “Your couch is comfier than mine.”
“I was driving home from Salmon one day, and I saw this couch and the two pillows next to somebody’s garbage. It was a great day.”
I stiffened and peered over at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
No movement. It was almost like he hadn’t heard me.
“Jake?”
The slightest smile crossed his lips, and I threw his pillow at him. It was a terrible throw, glancing off his arm before landing on the floor. He didn’t even open his eyes.
“You call yourself an athlete?”
I opened my mouth to say something back but quickly closed it again when I realized what he had done. What he always did. It was so smooth and easy as to go unnoticed. Making us laugh instead of cry. Bringing us back to comfortable and easy instead of the hard. Telling a joke instead of the truth.
I turned my body so that one side of my head rested against the back of the couch, facing him. The soft glow from the kitchen seeping into the room was our only light.
For such a relaxed pose, he held his body so tightly, as though he was still coming down from whatever he had faced in Sophie’s room. I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath, unable to look away.
“Has Briggs asked you out lately?” he asked, folding his arms across his stomach.
The question hung in the air between us while I gathered my courage.
“Jake?” I whispered.
When I didn’t say anything else, he grunted in question, still not looking at me, but I wasn’t going to continue until he did. Eventually, in the stillness of the moment and a question unanswered, Jake opened his eyes and dragged them to mine.
“Are you okay?”
The words came out of my mouth as soft as a feather, but Jake stiffened as though they had jabbed him with the point of a knife. I held his gaze firm, even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt he wished me miles away. All of his hiding, and I’d caught him. And he knew it.
The room charged to life with a different energy. A thrum and a hum and a buzz where there had been silence. The hum of the fridge. The buzz of a fly by the window. The thrum of my heartbeat pounding into my ears.
He broke our gaze and resumed his position with his arm flopped across his eyes.
“You can’t ask me that, Tuck.” He sank down farther into the couch, a seemingly nonchalant attitude, but I would no longer be fooled.
“Why?”
He swallowed. With his eyes shut, I was able to look at him. Really look. The angle of his tight jaw to the long hair at the top of his head that constantly falls into his eyes, bothering him endlessly. His lips were full and usually quick to laugh, though they weren’t smiling now.
“Soph already has one parent that’s not okay. It can’t be me, too.”
“Can I help…?”
“No.” Jake’s voice was kind but firm, even as he shook his head. “Nope.”
To soften his blow, he gave me a sad smile before giving my knee two taps. Our conversation was over before it began. Eventually, he turned the TV back on, and ever so slowly, the tension between us eased as we relived the nostalgia of our favorite movie. Though, my own thoughts were far away.
A while later, when he was walking me to the front door, I stopped suddenly.
“It’s my turn.”
His brow furrowed as he reached past me for the door handle to let me out. “Huh?”
The smell of hay and grass wafted inside the open doorway. Instead of leaving like he desperately wanted me to, I pushed my luck and took a step toward him.
“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”
Jake gave me a look, a playful arrogance in his eyes. “Be serious.”
I pushed his chest, and when he didn’t move, I swallowed. We were so close, but I refused to step back.
“You’re good at flirting. You’re good at knowing when somebody’s flirting. You’re good at—“
“Not smashing my date’s face in with a basketball?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Now you’re just being cocky.”
He smiled, his hand on my arm nudging me toward the doorway. “Sounds like I’m good, then. Goodni—”
I pushed backward against his nudging, refusing to leave. Refusing to fall for his act. “Hugging. I’m going to teach you how to hug.”
He paused and raised two doubtful eyebrows. “I thought we determined I’ve got the touching thing down already.”
“You do. Flirty touches, very much so. But when’s the last time anybody’s given you a hug? A real hug. None of that sidearm crap you're famous for.”
A shadow moved across his face before it was gone as quickly as it arrived. He swallowed. I could see his mind was racing. Calculating.
He tilted his head sideways. “Maybe you should turn that finger around. You’re the one who doesn’t touch people.”
“I hug people just fine. Other touches I do need to work on. But hugs…as long as it’s a friend or somebody I’m comfortable with…I’m a hugger. I’m willing to bet that with the exception of your daughter, you don’t hug anybody.”
“Little do you know, the boys and me start our mornings out with a big, long group hug. Every day.” He folded his arms and regarded me with some amusement.
“Liar.” I reached behind me and pushed the door closed. “You need a hug. So get ready. It’s coming.”
Jake looked terrified, though it wasn’t in the careful grin across his mouth. It wasn’t in his words or even his body language, though he was stiff underneath that relaxed pose. It was in his eyes, if you made it past the layer of teasing. Inside, he was a terrified, scared little girl.
He reached around me once more and yanked open the door, his smile back in place. “I always knew deep down you wanted a piece of this. But I’m good, Tuck. I promise.”
“You don’t want to hug me?”
That made him hesitate, and my heart lifted. He always had a soft spot for my feelings. He rolled an annoyed eye my way while I grinned at him. He flung the door shut.
“Alright, Shelby May. Have at me.” He opened his arms wide, in a mocking sort of way.
“You can’t say, ‘have at me.’ It’s not that kind of hug.”
“What do you mean, that kind of hug?”
“The special kind of hug,” I countered before my brain could tell my mouth to STOP TALKING.
He looked delighted. “Special hug? Like the kind we learned about in fifth grade? I wasn’t sure you knew about that. Could you tell me more?”
“Stop.” I pushed at him, laughing while my face heated.
“Just break it down for me real quick. What is it exact—”
I grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him toward me. His footing stumbled as our bodies clashed together. Before I could talk myself out of it, I drew my arms up around his neck.
“Or you could just show me, I guess.”
“Shut up and let me hug you, you big oaf.”
“Big oaf? Grandma? Is that you?”
I smacked the back of his head but held onto him stubbornly.
Jake had effectively killed the mood for whatever I was hoping to achieve by doing this.
I was doubting myself now. Jake didn’t need a hug.
He had his mom here. His daughter. Even Kelsey seemed like a hugger now that I thought about it.
Now it felt like I was making a pass at my friend, which I most assuredly was not.
It's just…I couldn’t forget the look on his face when he stepped out of Sophie’s room, before he saw me.
Anguish.
Anguish was the only word to describe it.
In that moment, Jake had been a man who was carrying a load almost too big for his shoulders.
Right now…the moment had obviously passed.
Before I could step back, ready to do the walk of embarrassment back to my cabin, Jake’s arms circled my waist. My breath stopped while my sensors took in a heightened awareness all around me.
Jake’s light smell of mint and pine was familiar to me now, and I breathed it in.
The way his face nuzzled softly into the curve of my neck was…
nothing to get worked up about. I swallowed as Jake shifted, his arms pulling me closer.
Someone’s heart was pounding. I hoped it was Jake’s.
There was no reason for me to react like this.
I willed my breathing to level while I tuned in to the real problem.
This hug felt like we were back in high school with a friendship so solid I could tell him anything.
Jake had a way of cherishing the things he loved most, and with his arms around me, it almost felt… like I was something he cherished.
We were together again, and it felt much like how it used to be.
But there was something more raw at our core.
Both of us held so tight to the past. Keeping it between us like a safety net, though we’d each lived so much life beyond that.
And for a split second, in his arms, I found myself…
wanting more. Wanting to be more to Jake.
But Jake was a man still entrapped by heartbreak. He had very clearly stated what this summer between us was to be. I had always held a respect for Jake’s boundaries growing up, and I would do so now.
Which was difficult to think when my body was literally molded against his. For all his initial reluctance, Jake had quickly acquiesced to the idea of this hug, and I felt his warmth everywhere around me. So comfortable. So dangerous.
But after hearing Sophie scream for her mother and him being unable to do a thing about it, I couldn’t blame him for putting his heart on lockdown.
So I no longer allowed myself to think of the strong shoulders supporting my arms or the way Jake’s fingers grazed my sides as his arms pulled me closer.
Instead of thinking of all those things, I concentrated my efforts on infusing between us all the friendship and love I had for him. An entire life’s worth.
And I hoped he felt it.