Chapter 21
SHELBY
We arrived at the camp an hour before sunset.
With the exception of Jake and little Carter, who bounced around with no ill effect, Tom and I needed to work out the saddle-sore muscles in our legs.
So we opted for a short hike to an overlook to see the valley, of which I took approximately thirty-five thousand pictures.
We even saw a family of mountain goats climbing the cliffs—my finger at the ready on the camera trigger. There was something that sparked my soul alive on this trip. Maybe it was a dad and his adorable son who constantly made us laugh. Maybe it was the smell of the pines.
My eye trailed the dark-haired man in jeans and a cowboy hat pointing something out on the overlook to Tom and Carter.
Or maybe it was Jake.
We had a very authentic cowboy meal of hot dogs roasted by the fire and s’mores, before listening to Jake tell cowboy stories around the campfire.
He started with some caves we could spot in the distance that had drawn Carter’s full imagination, completely sparked by Jake.
The excitement in Carter’s face at each cockamamie story Jake spun was enough to know that this would be a trip he would remember for a lifetime.
After some time studying the constellations, Carter had yawned one too many times, so he and his dad bid us goodnight before settling into their small tent a little ways from the fire.
And then it was just Jake and me, watching the flames and letting the crackle of the fire do the conversing. The muffled sound of Carter’s excited chatter and his dad’s low voice responding to him lulled me into a contemplative haze.
But when that haze led to thoughts of Jake, I began to wish that I had a tent to hide in.
Maybe it was the way he confidently and capably led our group into the mountains.
Maybe it was the way he became Cowboy Jake with Carter.
Or maybe it was the lingering feel of his hands at my waist, helping me down from his horse.
My tumultuous thoughts could be from a lot of things, really.
All I knew was that a private tent now seemed like a good idea.
But these kinds of thoughts would only hurt me, so I attempted to get myself back on track.
“So what kind of bad guys live in those caves?” I asked him, channeling Carter.
He smiled, using a stick to stoke the fire. “Probably a badger or two. Maybe a coyote if we’re lucky.”
I shivered slightly as the evening breeze picked up, lifting the locks of hair off my shoulders.
“Toss your bedroll over here by me. It’s getting cold,” Jake said, standing up and pulling out his things from his pack.
“Bedroll, John Wayne?”
“Yup.” A grin peeped out across his mouth.
“You mean these sleeping bags that came from the sporting goods store in Salmon?”
“No imagination, Tuck.”
“Should I use my saddle as a pillow? Stash my six-shooter under it for the night?”
“If you had a six-shooter on you right now, then I’d actually be impressed.”
We brushed our teeth, threw on some warmer layers, and placed our blue sleeping bags on top of two sleeping pads near each other by the fire.
“You still got your gun strapped to your stomach?” he asked.
“No. It’s right next to me.”
“Between us?”
“No. I don’t want you getting mixed up in the middle of the night and grabbing for my gun.”
“I wouldn’t want that either. Carter would be embarrassed on my behalf.”
I settled into my sleeping bag with a sigh.
The more the fire waned, the brighter the stars shone above us.
My mouth split into a grin for twenty solid seconds before I realized how crazy I must look.
I bit my lip to tamp down my energy, but I couldn’t help it.
There was nowhere else I’d rather be, and for a girl who had been wondering where on earth I should be the past few years, it felt good to know my place. Even if it was just for a night.
“So…why couldn’t we have a tent again? These stars are pretty, but it’s getting cold. Are you going to keep the fire going all night?”
“Logan would have stolen a tent out of my pack so fast it wasn’t worth grabbing. I hated to give him the satisfaction.”
“So now, he gets the satisfaction of us sleeping next to each other without any protection?”
I slammed a hand over my mouth as soon as it was out. Jake’s ears perked up as he looked over at me with great interest.
“Well, it sounds like we won’t be getting much sleep either way.”
He shot me a grin as he resettled himself down in his sleeping bag. Was he a little closer to me now? I couldn’t tell.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked a moment later.
“Yeah,” I said, though I could feel the tips of my fingers and toes growing colder. I moved my hands underneath me to warm them.
We lay in quiet contemplation, occasionally pointing out a shooting star. The vibe between us was relaxed and cozy. Even the breeze rustling the leaves and a creepy bird calling out did nothing to scare me. I was with Jake, and I was completely safe.
I turned to look at him, the faint glow of the firelight illuminating the shadows on his face.
He had cracked a chink in his armor on the way here, and I was greedy for more.
I hadn’t wanted our conversation on the horse to be over, and for the first time, I wondered if Jake hadn’t been ready either.
“What’s been the hardest thing for you since Miranda left?”
“Doing all the damn dishes.”
A laugh bubbled out of me. “You don’t do those enough to warrant complaining.”
We were quiet again, and I realized what he’d done. Jake was hiding again.
“For real, though. Tell me.”
For a long while, he was silent. I was about to call him out for being a chicken when he spoke.
“The knowledge that I screwed up Sophie’s life the same way my dad screwed up mine.”
“What?”
“I spent my whole life so mad at my dad. I used to lie awake at night, dreaming of what I’d say when I saw him again.
I promised myself that my kids would never know that kind of life.
Ever.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I tried so hard to be nothing like my dad at all growing up, and then I went and married a girl just like him.”
“Jake…” I started to say before he cut me off.
“And I screwed up Sophie’s life the exact same way.”
He held up his hands before I could jump in, once again cutting me off.
“I’m not saying that like it’s up for debate.
It’s a fact. She’s going to know all the same pain that I did.
All because of me.” The words spat out bitterly.
And they just kept coming. “That’s what keeps me up at night.
I don’t care about Miranda anymore. I don’t miss her.
She’s not coming back, and I’m glad for it.
I can handle all of that. I love being Sophie’s dad.
But I can’t get over the fact that she’s going to grow up knowing one of her parents chose something else over her. ”
After that, we lay there for a long while, each of us contemplating the things Jake had said. The sorrow in his voice. But something didn’t sit right with me.
“You know what I think?” I asked, my voice came out soft as I turned to face him, curled on my side and using my arm as a pillow.
“I’m too scared to ask.”
“I think you’ve been searching for a perfect family ever since your dad left. That’s why you played such a role in getting your friends together. You love the idea of love.”
“That’s a mean thing to say out loud to me.” Jake pretended to look around. “If Logan or Cade heard you, I’d be done for.”
I smiled. “I’m right, though.”
“Debatable. Either way, I botched it.”
“You didn’t botch it.”
Jake made a noise like he didn’t believe me.
“There’s no perfect family, Jake. I grew up without a mom. Remember? The circumstances might have been different, but even you have to admit that I turned out pretty amazing.”
Jake shook his head, but I saw the smile playing on his lips.
“Given anybody a black eye lately?” he asked.
“Nope. And I got asked out.”
He looked over suddenly. “What? Again?”
“No. My date with Easton.”
He settled back down again with a sigh, throwing an arm over his eyes. “What was it like for you growing up without your mom? And don’t sugarcoat it either. I need to know.”
“You look like you don’t want to know.”
“I don’t want to know. I need to know,” he said, looking like he was preparing himself to hear the worst.
I shrugged. “I was so young. It will be different for Sophie because she might remember some things. I have no real memories to associate with my mom. I didn’t know any different, so I didn’t think about it most days.”
I wanted to stop right there. But, ultimately, that wouldn’t satisfy Jake. And it wasn’t the whole truth either.
“I remember sometimes feeling mad at her for not being there. It doesn’t make any sense because it obviously wasn’t her fault.
But it was usually whenever I needed her for a school event, like Moms and Muffins at the elementary school, or something like that.
Remember the two dances I went to in high school? The ones you and Dusty set me up on?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t know anything about makeup.” I made the mistake of looking at Jake.
“I am shocked to hear this.”
I ignored him and continued. “Anyway, it was my first dance, and I heard all the girls in our group talking about getting back from the day date in time to do their makeup before the dance. So the day before, I bought some blush and mascara and some lipstick, and I remember putting it all on, but I couldn’t figure out how not to look like a clown.
I tried like three times, but I kept making it worse.
So I scrubbed my face and started to bawl in the bathroom. ”