Chapter 28 #2
Her eyes lifted to meet mine. “Yes, I did. He was here this morning.”
“Where’s he staying?”
“Somewhere in Salmon, I think.”
“The Pink Flamingo Motel’s not fancy enough for him?”
Her lips lifted in a smile. “Probably not.”
A wave of disgust at the very idea of him back in our lives filled my stomach.
“I heard he came to see you last night,” she ventured.
“Yeah.”
She waited a moment before she spoke. “There are lots of emotions that come up whenever he’s around, aren't there?”
“I heard you gave him the okay to pay for your rehab.” I broached the subject lightly, trying to keep the negative out of my voice. The fact was, it was her choice, and I knew it. But it bothered me.
“Yeah, I did.”
When I said nothing else, she sighed and picked at the thin blanket across her lap.
“For a long time, I was so angry at him for leaving like that. And not just leaving…it was like he didn’t even think about us.
He just…moved on. When he first left, he was planning to come back.
At least that’s what he told me.” She huffed out a laugh.
“It wasn’t long after I found out he’d moved on and sent me the divorce papers.
” Another big sigh. “Anyway, he went from girl to girl pretty quickly. But the wife he has now…I think she’s done him some good.
That was the most settled and grown-up I'd ever seen him.”
“Still a jackass, though.”
She laughed again, grabbing my hand and holding it. “Yeah. He’s still that. He also reminded me of something I don’t think I ever told you. And maybe it’s not fair that I didn’t.”
“What?”
She drew a breath. “He did try sending some money here and there over the years. But I could never bring myself to cash the checks. I never told you that, did I?”
I shook my head slowly, my body tense at her words. I hadn’t known he’d even tried. My mom and I worked our tails off to make ends meet. But even knowing this information, I would have told her not to cash them.
“At first, it was a pride thing. I didn’t want him to feel like he was still a parent. Still a part of us. Like he could go away and destroy everything but send a check and somehow make it all better. Make him look better. I couldn’t stomach the idea.”
“So I get my vengeful thoughts from you, huh?”
She laughed as a quiet sadness etched across her face.
“But thinking about it all now, I realized that it just kept me bitter. Not cashing those checks. It’s kept a hardness in my heart that wouldn’t ever go away.
And it was just hurting me. It’s hard to forgive when you’re steeped in resentment.
And now I wonder how your life might have been different if I’d cashed the checks and let you have a childhood free from some of the worries we shared over the years. I—“
I leaned forward, my hand on her arm, stopping her mid-sentence. I didn’t need to hear any more. “Mom, you did everything right. He messed up, not you. I had a great childhood. It was good for me to learn how to work. I wouldn’t have wanted anything different.”
A tear rolled down her cheek, and I was done with all the talking. My emotions had been through the wringer lately, and I wanted nothing more than to flip on the hospital TV and make fun of some idiotic daytime soap opera with my mom right now. Like we’d done yesterday. But she wasn’t done.
“I'm going to let him help pay for all of this. Whatever the insurance won’t cover. I have to admit, recovering at home seems much better than a rehab facility. I want to be home. And I need to move on from the past. So do you.” She looked at me and folded her arms like she expected me to make a fuss.
But I was too tired to make a fuss.
“Maybe one day you’ll finally be driving his truck around town.”
A humorless laugh escaped me as I rubbed at my eyes. “That doesn’t seem likely.”
“You never know.”
To be honest, I hardly thought about the truck anymore.
And once I knew my mom was going to be okay, Shelby had taken more space in my brain.
Her presence in my life had lit something inside of me, and that light made it hard to hold onto the dark.
To hatred. It almost felt like I was cheating on my anger, feeling that way.
The anger that had kept me company for so many years.
There was so much time and energy involved in hating someone.
And that part of me was now at war with the part that wanted nothing more than to go home and eat popcorn and watch movies on my couch, a tiny blonde on one arm and a pretty redhead on the other.
That idea seemed far more pressing than holding onto grief from so long ago.
So instead, I told her I’d support whatever she wanted to do. And then I held her hand and allowed myself to feel grateful she was still here. At least, grateful until she began teasing me about Shelby holding my hand when we visited her right after the accident.
“How are things with you two?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. There’s something different about you two.”
I stole a bite of her contraband candy bar I had smuggled in. “You were half delirious when you saw us that day.”
“I could be half dead, but I’d still know with absolute certainty that you’re in love with your best friend.”
My eyes flicked over to hers. She met my gaze with that knowing, annoying warmth that only a mom could do.
“I think it’s your nap time, old lady,” I said lightly.
“Have you told her?”
“Soph’s crying again,” I said, halfway standing up. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Jake, I almost died! You have to stay here and talk to me.” She laughed, gripping my hand and forcing me back into my seat.
“Have you told her?” she asked.
Denial was no longer possible. The downside of not having any other siblings. My mom had all the time in the world to zero in on me.
“No.”
“Why?”
“She’s moving next week. She just interviewed for a big photographer position for Wild Horizon Magazine.”
“So?”
“So, I…I’m not going to ruin that for her. She’s been wanting out of Eugene forever. She deserves this.”
“How would you ruin it?”
“I’m not going to be what holds her back.” There was a flash of heat in my eyes, and I moved my focus to the movement of her heart monitor.
“So you’re not going to tell her?”
“I want to see if she gets the job. If I tell her now, she’ll give it all up for me.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked softly.
“Because she always does. She’ll put whatever I want first, and I’m not going to let her do it.”
“Because you’re scared?”
My jaw ticked, but I couldn’t answer her.
“She deserves to know all her options, Jake. That girl loves you.”
“But will she in five years when she’s still stuck here with me? In Eugene? When she could have left? Could have done more with her life?”
I’d said too much. I hadn’t even pinged on the sickening fear in my stomach until I said it out loud.
But there it was. I hadn’t been enough for Miranda.
I hadn’t been enough for my dad. I couldn’t stomach the thought of not being enough for Shelby.
I’d been broken a lot of times before, but I had a feeling that wasn’t something I could come back from.
My mom tugged my hand until I looked at her.
“Listen, Jake. You married the wrong girl. That happens sometimes. But she gave you Sophie, so maybe it all worked out just how it was supposed to. And maybe now you’re being guided right to the woman who knows you best and loves you in spite of it all.”
“You don’t know she loves me,” I insisted stubbornly, mostly because I was curious about her answer.
But Brenda Evans only laughed. And then she kept laughing until I stood to leave.
“Alright, I’m leaving, old lady, if this is how I’m going to be treated.”
“Good luck at the rodeo, Jake. And don’t be an idiot.”