29. The Hare and the Crown
The Hare and the Crown
We stayed like that for a long time, both of us still aroused and yet our minds clear enough to talk.
I told him everything I could remember from the memory stones.
Avaneer. Edrin. Ivanoxa. The Arrolyn and why it mattered.
I told him about the strange nightmares I had immediately after the poisoning and about King Orsin grabbing me and the North Tower and the yellow room and Ivanoxa and everything else I could think of.
Everything except for the more painful details of my mother’s story. I was not ready to repeat it out loud. I did not know if I could. The images in my mind of them cutting her open had given me the sort of anger that could only be fixed with revenge.
Orsin would die, of that I was certain.
The knot slowly went back down as we talked. He stayed inside me anyway.
I told him about Teorin carefully and felt his body tense.
I pushed the copper strand of hair that always fell in his face back and reminded him that Dali had taken care of it for her own selfish reasons.
He asked how. I shrugged. "I do not know. And I do not have room to care. I just know that when I return from the treatments with Eravic, he is not in my bedroom.”
His eyes searched my face.
"In my mother's memory," I said, "she told Axar that she lived by loyalty and sacrifice. And that she hoped I lived by loyalty and selfishness." I drew in a breath. "I think that means be loyal to those that matter most. At any cost." I paused. "I feel different after all of this."
He rolled me to my side and kissed my forehead. "If part of being different is what made you slap me, then I do not think I mind at all."
I raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
I felt him grow harder again inside me. His mouth pressed against mine and I began to moan softly.
"The siakar in me liked it," he said.
I sat up, propping myself on one elbow. "I want to ride you. Will you let me? The whole time?"
He looked at me, his face difficult to read. "We have never done that." He paused. “Not successfully, anyway.”
"I know. That is why I want to."
"My concern is not that."
"What then?"
"You are supposed to rest. Technically you should not even be here on this side. We do not know what happens once you go back to Morrath. What if you collapse in that tunnel from exhaustion? I will not be able to get to you."
He ran a hand through his hair. “I—we—were both overcome with emotion but it was not the responsible thing to do, Asha Bear. We do not know what will happen from here.”
I turned to him. "If I am strongest at night and will be weak in the day, then I can leave now.
" He sucked in a breath. "Or I can stay in this bed with you all day.
Then tonight I will go to the shoreline for Eravic's treatment before I return to the Darkway. We will make sure I eat and feel strong before I leave.”
“And if you do not?”
“Then one of your birds can find a healer to fix me.”
“Wanderers,” he said quietly. “That is what they’re called.”
I sat up. “What are those?”
“Large birds. Smart birds. They are strong, can be ridden, are intelligent.”
I nuzzled my head into his chest. “And of course my husband can summon them because he is strong and handsome and just the very thought makes me want to make another baby right this very moment.”
He grabbed my wrist. “Asha. Do not joke.”
I kissed him softly. “I am not. Once I am no longer dead we can have as many as you want, just in case one of us dies again—”
“Asha.”
I giggled. “Truly. I want everything.”
He stared at me then, not saying a word.
“You look like a man in love,” I murmured.
“Perhaps I am.”
We stayed like that for a while.
Then he spoke abruptly. “Much of these plans seem to involve a great deal of time with Eravic.”
I nodded. “Yes. He and Maridale are the reason for the Arrolyn to begin with."
"He is in love with you."
I looked away. "I do not know that."
“Arabar told me recently that Eravic spent a year clearing Tearsar of undead, searching for something. Now I understand that something was the Arrolyn. That is more than simple duty or affection.”
"Eravic is good," I said quietly. "I have no idea if he has feelings like that for me. But I will not lie to you." I paused. "We had an interaction once before."
Colsar frowned. "What do you mean?"
"The night before our wedding. He gave me my first kiss and my first—" My cheeks burned.
"You fucked him?" His voice was sharp in a way I had never heard it before.
"No. I did not fuck him. I was a virgin before we met. You licked the blood off me yourself." I could not hide the irritation from my voice.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"He kissed me because I asked him to. And he used his fingers on me."
"And that is the man I am supposed to be fine with you visiting every night?"
I looked at him. "Yes. I found Jessamy undressed near you twice since we have been married and you say you did not fuck her and I believe you." I pressed my breasts to his chest. "Look at me."
He looked at me.
"It is no secret there are men who want me just as there are women who want you. Kissing me once. Touching me there once. You cannot hold that against me. Even then I had not met you and I stopped things there because—" I stopped myself.
"Because what?"
"Because I wanted my husband to know that this part of me was for him and only him."
I looked at him. "It has been yours. You have had me in every possible way. I have given you two children. You owe me trust."
He nodded. "You are right. I cannot help my jealousy. And I will kill him if he touches you. Just like I will kill Teorin when I—"
"You will not kill Teorin, Colsar. He is unwell and we both know it." I took his hand and pressed it to my lips. “Can we perhaps discuss your kill and revenge list another time?”
He nodded. "I love you," he said, his lips against my forehead. "I cannot believe you are here."
"Colsar. I want to ride you."
He looked at me, a small smile at his lips. "You can take me however you want. I certainly will not protest and you do not need to explain."
"The Arrolyn he placed in me," I said quietly.
"It has only recently been placed, but I wonder if it has done something to my senses.
" I paused. "Or if I am just obsessed with you.
" I looked at him. "You smell so good. And I am sore and exhausted and yet I cannot help but want you again.
" A pause. "I want to fuck you until I can’t breathe or move or think.”
He lifted me up, helping me straddle him, and put his hands behind his head. "I will not flip us over,” he promised.
"You always say that,” I said, not entirely believing him.
We had tried this before, more than once, and each time something in him took over, some instinct that could not help itself, and I would find myself on my back before I had registered the shift.
"If I do then slap me." My cheeks turned red.
"I do not know why I did that. I'm sorr—"
"Do not apologize for getting me hard."
“You are changing, husband. I do not know if you would have accepted a slap a mere year ago.”
He looked up at me. “Everything you do gets me hard. Truly.”
I eased down on him and began rocking back and forth. He reached for me but I shook my head. "I want to do all of it."
I eased down further until I was flush with his skin and began rocking. I saw him tense, fighting the urge. I eased myself up and down, my breasts bouncing and my moans growing louder.
I lifted up and whispered, "It is not enough." He stilled my hips gently and lifted me off him, turning me around.
I leaned down with my hands on his knees and began to move my hips more aggressively, sweat beading on my back.
I leaned back on him, my back flush with his chest. "Colsar," I breathed.
"Yes, Asha Bear."
"I — I want —"
My cheeks burned as I tried to muster the courage to say it.
He took his finger and rubbed it where there was fluid between us, then gently inserted it in my other entrance.
I began to moan. Then I stopped moving.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
I was quiet for a moment. "I thought somehow this would make this strange feeling better. But." I paused. "Emotionally I do not like how it makes me feel."
He looked at me. "What do you mean?"
My eyes welled. "I do not feel loved and protected like I do when." I stopped. "When you take care of me in this way."
He was quiet. His finger stilled.
"I know I have asked for this," I said. "And I know we have tried it before. But every time you end up taking over and I used to think it was just you needing control or me not doing it correctly, but I think." I paused. "I think I need you to."
He removed his fingers slowly and turned me to face him.
"You do not have to explain that," he said.
"I know." I looked at him. "I just wanted you to know it is not about control. It is about feeling you. Feeling that you have me."
I paused. "I feel so strange."
He sat up and kissed me softly. "I love you."
The words caught me off guard. I wrapped my arms around his neck and said quietly, "I love you too."
He climbed on top of me and slowly eased himself inside me. "Yes?"
Something in me eased. "Yes," I murmured.
"My queen," he said quietly, moving inside me. "I will say it again, in case you have forgotten. You are everything. Whatever you want, Asharin, you will have. Name a kingdom. Or a grievance. I am yours."
"Mine?" I breathed.
"All yours. Everyone who hurt you. Everyone who fucked with the life we had finally clawed our way to. They're going to pay."
He didn't move immediately. He simply looked at me as though he were memorizing my face all over again.
He thrust again and this time I could not take it. I clawed at his back drawing blood, my legs shaking as I climaxed.
When I came back to myself we were kissing in bed and I heard Fiorakis cry.
I went very still. I heard Saurin enter the room and begin reciting a nursery rhyme to her in a low voice.
I looked at Colsar. “Do they know?” I asked quietly.
He shook his head. “They do not know, they think you are dead. And you do not need to whisper, the room cannot carry sound or sight, apparently.”
Fiorakis wailed again.
My hands trembled. My own child was crying and I could not go to her for fear of being discovered.
“Saurin is not saying it right," I said quietly.
"Saying what right?" Colsar said.
"The nursery rhyme. It is not the right ending."
I listened carefully as she recited it.
A little hare hopped here and there
Looking for a crown to wear.
He searched all day, then went to play,
And found one waiting there.
"Are you sure?" he said.
"Yes." I paused. "That rhyme is the one I wanted them to know the most. I used to hear mothers telling their children it and I always told myself I would tell it to my children since no one ever told it to me.
" I sighed. "They have heard so many stories from us already but that is the one I was saving. "
"Why did you wait?"
"Because I never knew the right version.
I only ever heard it in bits and pieces being said to other children and I wanted them to have the perfect version.
So I waited to find the storybook." I was quiet.
"And now I realize my version was the best. I realize now that the children would have cared more about who told it to them than what was correct. "
"What is your version?"
A little hare hopped here and there
Looking for a crown to wear.
He searched all day, Till Owl did say,
It’s resting in your hair.
He was quiet. "That is not how it goes."
"I know that, obviously.”
"The correct version ends with, “the crown was always there.”
“You are most certainly wrong,” I said with a laugh.
He cleared his throat dramatically.
A little hare hopped here and there
Looking for a crown to wear.
He searched all day, Till Owl did say,
The crown was always there.
“Very wrong,” I said, unimpressed.
“So my and Saurin’s versions are both incorrect?”
I listened to the room beyond the curtain. "Maybe hers is more correct than mine." I paused. “And it may be more accurate than yours.”
I grinned. "But mine is better."
Colsar snorted.
"Now I must truly get strong,” I said.
"Yes, lest the children never get to learn your version of the Hare and the Crown."
"Exactly." I sighed against him. "I wanted them to have everything right and so I waited. But now I wish I had just shared the version I like."
“I will admit, your version is better," Colsar said.
"You are only saying that because you must."
"Oh?"
"Yes. Or I will not give you any more babies if you find my nursery rhyme-telling skills insufficient."
He opened his mouth but I interrupted.
"Accuracy and sufficiency are not the same thing."
Colsar looked at me. Then he burst into laughter.
I could not help but stare. I had not seen him laugh in so long.
"Your laugh," I said.
"What about it?"
"I am so glad I get to hear it again."
Fiorakis quieted. Saurin left the room.
"Now bring me my babies," I said firmly.
Colsar stood and pulled on his pants. "I will be right back."