30. Hope and Sleep
Hope and Sleep
Iheld them for hours.
I could not stop staring. Somehow over a period of weeks they had already gotten older. They were asleep when Colsar handed them to me but the moment they were in my arms both of them had opened their eyes and both, almost simultaneously, had broken into smiles.
Every bit of pain. Every tear. Every bit of sadness. All of it was worth it if it ended in this.
"They remember me," I said.
Colsar looked at me. "How could they forget you?"
Ari began nuzzling my breast. "Perhaps they only wish to use me for my milk," I said with a pout.
"Speaking of which," Colsar said. "Saurin and Cambra said it was time to start feeding them. Real food. I said no because—" He stopped himself.
"Because why?"
"Because that day in the countryside we said we wanted to eat together.
Then in Shalvar you always ate alone because I was a fool and then we started to eat together but the babies were not old enough to join.
" He paused. "Now they are going to be old enough to eat and I did not want you to miss it. "
My eyes welled with tears. "You remembered that is what I wanted?"
"How could I forget when I want the same. I just do not say it as eloquently nor do I know what to feed them," he said.
I laughed. "Well you gave the right answer. No, they may not feed them solid foods. It is bad enough Saurin stole my nursery rhyme."
"If that is the case then most of the Thronelands has stolen it too, Asha Bear."
"That is not the point."
I sighed. "I am so grateful to both of them for keeping our babies safe.
" I looked down at my children. "But I will feed my babies their first meal and watch Fiorakis refuse it and Ari be disinterested.
I have already missed the crawling. I will feed them myself for the first time. After that they can feed away."
Colsar stared at me. "How do you know Fiorakis will refuse?"
I rolled my eyes. "Unless it is perhaps garnished with blood she will be difficult about it. You of all people should know that, as her enabler."
He bit back a smile, then looked at me. I had on one of his shirts and my hair cascaded down to my waist. Each baby nuzzled the side of me. Colsar stared at us in a way that made my chest ache.
"Asha Bear."
"Mm?" My eyelids were growing heavy.
"What is our plan?"
"I get stronger. You find out why Edrin wanted me dead or whoever convinced Edrin that I should be. And you must pretend I am dead to everyone, Colsar. Everyone. Except the children, obviously."
His eyes shifted. "Even Uralish? Syle?"
Something in me softened. Colsar did not take to people easily and it made me glad that he had somehow taken to those two, that he trusted them.
"Even them."
He nodded.
"And Colsar you must pretend to be miserable."
"How do you know I am not?"
"You are not at peace because I am not returned to you. But now we have hope." I looked up at him. "Yesterday you wondered if you should arrange a proper burial. Now I am here. In your arms, in your bed, with your children."
He reached and put Ari on his chest before shifting so I was underneath his arm, Fiorakis's small body now curled on top of mine.
"I spent my whole life alone. Caged. Miserable.
I never once—" He paused. "I never once let anyone see the real me because I knew it probably was not worth much.
It had never been worth much to my own parents," he said with a bitter laugh.
"And I had learned to survive that way. Even find happiness that way. "
He kissed the top of Ari's head. "Then you came.
And you saw the real version of me. And for some reason you loved me.
And the way you have loved me—" He paused.
"It is more than anyone else ever has. The way you know me, no one else does.
I do not even know how to say half of what I feel sometimes.
And yet you know it without me ever saying a word.
" He paused. "The night of the tavern massacre, of Telly's, the way I felt when you were lost — I told myself it was too painful and I would rather not live than live without you.
" He stopped. "But then the children came.
And I love them and want to keep them safe and be a good father but I do not know how to do any of it. "
I smiled up at him. "I will get strong. I will come back to you. And we can figure it out together."
I felt my eyelids grow heavy. "Colsar—"
"Mm?"
"I am tired. I may sleep the day away."
"And I will be here when you wake up."