Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
I n the carriage, I realize something is missing for the first time.
“Where are Argus and Dyson?”
They escorted us to the wedding. They waited with the staff during the ceremonies, and I remember them tailing us inside the ballroom. Where did they go after that?
“They wanted to stay in town overnight to enjoy the city.”
“Hmm. That’s the best one.”
“What?”
“The best of the lies you’ve told this evening. That one was almost believable.”
Eryx massages his temples as the carriage takes off. “And why are you so sure it’s a lie?”
“I’m to believe they left you alone during the middle of a public event where you could have exposed yourself, which I might add, you nearly did , to enjoy the city? After they’ve been trailing you around your own home, protesting the few times you’ve requested to be alone with me? No, you’ve all been up to something tonight. Something illegal, I might guess, considering the fact that you disappeared from the ballroom for over ten minutes and returned with blood on your sleeve—and Argus and Dyson didn’t return at all.” My voice takes on a teasing lilt. “Are they disposing of a body for you?”
Eryx’s whole body freezes in place, and my eyes widen at his reaction.
“I was joking!”
But it’s too late. He’s given away the truth, and he knows it.
He turns murderous eyes on me. “You. Need. To. Go.”
“As in out of this carriage?”
“As in out of my life. You’re going to ruin everything.”
I lose it. For a while, all my schemes fly from my mind, and I am helpless to do anything but give that accusation the response it deserves.
“Oh, I’m going to ruin everything ? Did you forget the part where you strolled into my life, stole my home, my money, and my peace of mind? I tutored you for months on etiquette! Helped you find decent clothing! I just put in a good word with the king on your behalf! What more do you want from me? You don’t have to trust me, but what else do I have to do for you to finally respect me?”
He doesn’t soften the slightest at the rebuff.
He turns his head to look out the window, signaling he’s done with the conversation.
It’s only as the carriage pulls back into the manor that I realize I didn’t bring up the fact that he’s a monster, and I’ve kept that secret, too.
Curious that it didn’t even cross my mind at all.
I HADN ’ T ANTICIPATED THE consequences of attending my sister’s wedding. Apparently, people had avoided calling on me directly because they thought I might still be grieving my husband. But showing up to a social function and dancing with two different young men proved to be all the invitation my would-be suitors needed.
Everyone in the blasted country seems to think that the mysterious Duke and Dowager Duchess of Pholios are taking callers.
The day after the wedding, Damasus finds me reading in the garden. “Your Grace, there is a Lord Varela here to see you.”
He hands over the earl’s card, and I don’t even glance at it. I refuse to entertain gentleman callers. Best to stop these habits right from the get-go. This is my home, and I will not have it soiled by the presence of overeager dandies.
“I’m out of the house today, Damasus.”
“You certainly are. I shall inform him at once that you are not at home.”
“Thank you.”
My butler leaves with a bow.
Twenty minutes later, Damasus returns.
“Now there is a Lord Regas at the door.”
“I’m still out of the house.”
“Of course, Your Grace.”
In another hour, Damasus is back again.
“You’re kidding,” I say.
“I know very well you have no wish to see any callers today, or ever, really, but I’m afraid the duke admitted Lord Moros into the manor before I could inform him you were not at home. The duke is requesting your presence in the parlor.”
Of course he did. After last night’s conversation, I’m sure the fake duke intends to invite all manner of gentlemen to come see me, hoping to entice me with marriage once again.
The damnable nitwit.
I mark my place in the lovely romance novel about two gentlemen who must bridge the gap between their social classes to be together, and march into the parlor.
Eryx is laughing at something the baron has just said, and it is a rare and highly unusual sight. It draws me up short, makes me angry, even. How dare he get some joy out of my misery? But we have company, so I paste on a wan smile.
Moros notices me before Eryx does, and rises as I enter the room. Eryx is a full second behind him as he remembers his etiquette lessons.
“There she is,” Eryx says. “I knew the duchess would be eager to chat with you today. Chrysantha, Moros has the most delightful stories to tell about fishing mishaps.”
“I’m certain the duchess has no desire to discuss fishing mishaps, but I’m sure we’ll find some common ground,” the handsome man responds. He must be in his late thirties, but he’s aged quite well. A bold mustache sits beneath his nose, and he has a full head of hair, straight teeth, and bedroom eyes.
“Perhaps I should leave you two to it, then,” Eryx says, walking around the tea table centered in front of the sofa the two men had been sitting at.
“You will do no such thing,” I state.
“Duchess,” Eryx says, embarrassed as he tries to block me from sight of the baron. As though my whole self must be offensive, rather than just my words and tone. “He really seems quite lovely. Just give him a chance,” he whispers in a lower tone.
“That is the Baron of Moros,” I state in the same tone.
“Yes, I’m aware.”
“Eryx, he’s married .”
That has Eryx spinning to look at the man. “No,” he whispers to himself. “Moros, are you already wed?”
“Ten years and counting,” the man answers. “It’s been so lonely. I am in the market for a new mistress. I thought the duchess and I might come to an arrangement.”
Eryx swirls back around to me, eyes wide.
“Unless you intend to start whoring me out,” I say to him, “I’m going back to my garden. Next time, perhaps talk to me before you go on inviting gentlemen into the manor on my behalf.”
I stride out of the room, book still under my arm.
I try to get back into my novel, I really do, but I’m so terribly furious. I had been interrupted during the first kissing scene of all places, and now I can’t properly enjoy it while I’m distracted by thoughts of clawing Eryx’s eyes from his skull.
I’m unsure how long I sit there feeling sorry for myself when I’m interrupted yet again. I swear if Damasus has news of another caller—
“I’m sorry, Chrysantha.” Of course it’s Eryx.
“You ruined my reading time.”
“I had no idea the man was already married. I wasn’t trying to sell you or anything, I swear. I’m not that kind of man.”
I laugh at him, because he can’t hear how ridiculous his words are. “Eryx, that’s exactly what you’re trying to do. You offered me twenty thousand necos to get married. You don’t care who you have to pay to be rid of me. You’re just upset you were mistaken and didn’t find someone who could take me for life.”
I rise, suddenly needing movement, and head for the trail that goes across the grounds and into the neighboring woods.
He follows.
“It’s not like that, and you know it,” he argues. “I’m not like your father. I’m not selling you to the highest bidder. I’m trying to give you a comfortable life with someone you love and enough money to give yourself all the things you could want. After everything you’ve learned about me… I thought you’d be more eager to get off this estate. I’m only thinking of you. Why can’t you see that?”
“You’re not taking into consideration what I want. That’s all that matters, and that’s why you’re exactly like my father.”
“What do you want, then?” he snaps, and nearby birds flutter away from the overhead branches.
“I want my manor back. I want my land back. I want my money back. I want to find out who and what you really are. I want to be safe and comfortable. I want you gone!”
But he can’t give me any of those things. Why should he even want to? He doesn’t care. And he somehow has every right to them.
“You’re not even trying!” he yells back. “You could have all of those things. Just not here on this estate. You could find love and happiness with a young man who will respect and cherish you.”
“I don’t want love and happiness! I want freedom. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to try . I’ve been trying my whole life to be someone else to give my father what he wanted. To get what I wanted. I’m done. I endured Pholios for two months , until death finally claimed him. I’m supposed to be my own woman now, yet I’m somehow beholden to you . You summoned me today. I listened only to protect Damasus from your wrath. You have too much power over the people I care about!”
The surrounding woods go completely quiet after my outburst.
“What… what did you endure?” he asks softly.
“You don’t want to hear about it.”
“Yet I’m asking. I want to understand.”
“Why? What will understanding do? Will you suddenly leave me alone when you hear about how Pholios criticized and yelled at me every day? Will you up my allowance if I tell you how he pawed at me every chance he got? Will you give me back the dukedom if I tell you about the bruises he left? If I make myself pitiable to you, will you suddenly behave like a decent person?”
The longer I talk, the more the shift happens. First, his eyes. Then his ears. Finally, his horns and canines sprout at the word pawed .
I have the distinct urge to step backward, to give room to the massive form before me, but I hold my ground, determined to cling to my righteous fury.
His voice is deeper than before as he says, “If he weren’t already dead, I’d kill him myself.”
“You can’t just say things like that!”
“Why not.”
“Because they make you sound like you care when you clearly don’t!”
He growls at me, the sound somewhere between human and animal, as though contradicting me with the noise alone.
I reach out, grab one horn, and pull his face down to my eye level. “I do not care what you look like, Eryx Demos. You will not win arguments by shifting in front of me.”
His eyes are trained on my mouth, which is right where I need them, but my traitorous body reacts to that gaze. My breath catches, and my heartbeat gallops as though trying to escape my chest. I feel myself start to move closer, as though he has his own force of gravity and is pulling me in.
I remember all too well how those elongated canines felt against my neck. Now I’m imagining them pulling on my lips.
Reason is a faraway thing, but it seems to push through my traitorous thoughts to reach the forefront of my mind.
It’s too soon to give him what he wants. He needs to be begging for it. Only then will you learn his secrets.
At the last second, I shove his face away from mine.
“Pull yourself together before one of the groundskeepers sees you.”
Eryx blinks, then slams his eyes closed, concentrating. The horns shrink until they disappear beneath his skin, like swords sheathing. His ears turn from pointed to round. His canines retract. When he opens his eyes, they’re still amber, though no longer glowing.
“So that’s it, then?” I ask, continuing the conversation. “No progress today? We’re exactly as we were twenty minutes ago?”
Eryx says in a gentle voice, “I’m so sorry for how you were treated by my grandfather. It wasn’t right. It was an abuse of power, and I hope he burns in one of the devils’ hells for it. But just because one man behaved that way, it doesn’t mean that all men—”
“Do. Not. Finish. That. Sentence.”
His eyes narrow at my tone.
A mirthless laugh escapes me. “You want me to put my trust in another man? Just hope that the next one won’t abuse his power? I want to be the one with the power: the power to remove myself from those who treat me poorly, the power to protect myself, the power to always make my own decisions about my body and my life. Neither you nor anyone else can put a price on that freedom. So you and your twenty thousand necos can leave me the hell alone.”
There is a prominent silence in the wake of my words.
Eryx, for once, seems to be rendered speechless. We stare at each other, my breaths coming out quickly from the force with which I delivered that little speech.
When Eryx drops his gaze, he says, “You deserve that power. Of course you do. I’m sorry that I cannot give up mine for your sake. I need it right now.”
“I hate you,” I whisper.
He hears it, but I don’t wait for his response. I leave, and this time, he does not follow.
I TAKE THE REST OF the day to cool down. Something happens to me when I’m near him. I lose all reason and turn into a chaotic mess of rage.
I messed up. I’m supposed to be slowly charming him, yet I exploded on him. I told him I hated him, which is true, but not conducive to seducing him.
There has to be a way to get him to trust me. At the very least I need to catch him off guard. Eryx doesn’t get to have the upper hand again. I’m sick of him parading into my personal space whenever he wishes. I need to go to the one place where we’ll be on even footing.
Or, better yet, where I might just have the high ground.
Testing a theory, I take a blanket with me to the library that night. The last time I dozed in this room, I dreamed of Eryx. More than that, he visited my dream somehow. Or I was in his. Either way, it seemed to bother him. Must be terrible to have someone else insert themselves into your safe space.
I curl up on the settee and will myself to sleep.
Of course, it takes hours, because even my own body is conspiring against me.
But when I’m finally in blissful darkness, it happens. My eyes open to a room outlined by fluffy white clouds. I bend down to scoop at them, but nothing comes off the floor into my palm. Shrugging, I make my way over to the bed.
I debate the best way to do this part. I’m sorely tempted to rip the sheets from him so I can finally catch a glimpse of that tail, but it feels like a line that should not be crossed. Sighing, I settle for kicking at the mattress.
Eryx jolts awake, as fully transformed as the last time we met like this.
“Not again,” he groans.
“Afraid so,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “We need to have a chat.”
“We just had one a few hours ago.”
“Well, I want another one.”
Eryx looks over the side of the bed, as though hoping his clothing will materialize. No such luck. It must be out of the dream’s range.
What a pity that fully muscled chest will have to stay on display.
“You could tuck the blankets under your chin to preserve your modesty,” I offer.
He glares at me. “Talk. Then be on your way.”
“First, I want to apologize,” I say, trying not to choke on the falsehood. “I was short with you earlier. I said some things I didn’t mean.”
“The part about hating me?”
“Let’s not dwell on details. I think we both say things we don’t mean when we’re enraged. The point is that I think you and I can come to a unique understanding now that we have a better idea of where the other stands.”
“Meaning?”
I twirl a lock of my hair between two fingers. “You know that I’m not leaving this estate. You know that what I want most is control over my own life. To escape the restrictions men have always placed upon me. I know your secret.”
He flinches, but I press on. “Bits of it, anyway. This presents us with an opportunity.”
“It’s too late in the evening for discussions like this. Will you just spit it out?”
That draws me up short. “You often have dark circles under your eyes. Is it because you’re not really sleeping when this happens? Does this happen often?”
“Focus, Chrysantha. You have a proposition for me.”
“Right. If you leave me alone to live my life as I see fit—control of the servants, the manor, my own money—I will help you. But no more talk of marrying me off or anything like that.”
He rubs at his forehead. “What do you think I need help with now ?”
“Keeping your secret. This isn’t a threat. This is me offering to help you control yourself. There have been multiple times now where I’ve helped you rein in your glowing eyes. I seem to tame the beast somewhat, and I think I could help you make real progress in not slipping up in the future. If you keep at this much longer, the staff are bound to notice something is up.”
“You bring out the beast. Now you insist you know how to tame him ?”
“I do that on purpose. Getting a rise out of you entertains me. I think with some real practice, you could get this all under control.”
“You don’t even know what you’re dealing with! How can you want to put yourself in danger like that?”
I lie. Again. “You protected me from Lord Barlas. You’ve never hurt me before, and I don’t see why you would start. And… well, you could tell me what I’m dealing with. Help me help you.”
“So you can have more ammunition to use against me?”
“Whatever do you mean?”
“If you knew everything, you would truly have the upper hand on me. I feel like we’re barely on even fighting ground as it is.”
“How can that possibly be true? Why do you think I pose such a threat to you? No one will believe me if I tell them what I’ve seen.”
“Because you have a connection to the Shadow King, and while no one else will believe you, he might. And he might see me as a threat to his kingdom. You saw the way he stared at me at the wedding.”
Ha, as if I could ever get an audience with him. Perhaps everyone’s ignorance of my relationship with my sister is the only thing sparing my life right now. “Why should the Shadow King see you as a threat?” I have my own theories, but I want to hear his.
Eryx looks down at his blanket. “The Maheras line claims that their shadows are a divine right to rule, even though the truth is that the shadows were a curse from a devil. Devils love to make mischief in the lives of humans, though few are strong enough to manifest on this plane physically. Even then, they’re only able to do so after centuries of building their strength. The Maheras line was cursed by the most powerful of them all, and they don’t want any threats to their crown. If anyone with abilities makes them public, they are immediately executed in private. How can the shadows be a sign of a divine right to rule if other people have powers?”
“That’s it, then?” I whisper. “You were cursed by a devil?”
“No, Chrysantha. I’m something much, much worse.”
Goose bumps rise on my flesh. “Why are you telling me this?”
“To help you see what you’re dealing with! You don’t want to be on this estate with me. You don’t want to help me. You should be looking after yourself.”
At least it takes little effort to summon my defiance. “And what if I told you that’s the opposite of what I want? I do want to be on this estate. I am looking after myself. I do want to help you, and I’m not scared of you or whatever devilish abilities you possess.”
Eryx grips both of the horns on his head in frustration. “You’re not listening to me. I don’t know how else to say this. My hold on the monster is tenuous at best. I may not be able to hold him back from you.”
I stare at his forehead. “Are you saying there’s two of you in that head of yours?”
“No. It’s just me, but it’s how I differentiate between being in control and out of control. When I lose myself, the shift happens. I’m not in my right mind.”
“What about now?”
“I’m sleeping. I always shift when I sleep, because I’m not conscious to hold my human form.”
I smile.
“What?” he asks, defensive.
“It’s nice to understand. To have some answers.”
He shuts his eyes tight. “I’m asleep. I’m not as careful with my words as I should be. That’s why you shouldn’t be here.”
“Does that mean if I prod you enough, I’ll get the whole truth?”
“No. I’m not that tired.”
“Fine, but can we come to an arrangement?”
He looks astonished. “How do you still want to push this? What do I need to say to make you run?”
I cross my arms. “What do I need to say to make you realize that I’m not afraid? You need to trust that I mean what I say.”
He looks up. “It’s a terrible idea. Your worst yet.”
“Let’s just give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I could kill you!”
“You’ve had plenty of opportunities to do that. Obviously neither you nor the monster wants that.”
He grumbles something that sounds a lot like “You’d be terrified if you knew what the monster did want.” Eryx shudders.
“And what does the monster want?” I ask brazenly.
Eryx swallows, but his face turns determined. “Nothing that I can’t control.”
For some reason, the memory of his teeth against my neck surfaces.
Now I’m the one shuddering. “Then it’s settled,” I say. “We’ll start tomorrow. That means I should let you get your beauty sleep.”
“I haven’t agreed to anything!”
“No, but you didn’t refuse, so I’ll take what I can get. I’ll see you tomorrow. No valets. Hopefully they’ll still be in town disposing of that body.”
Eryx bares his teeth in a growl right before I shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to wake.