Chapter Twenty-Three
They had a nice routine now. Taking it in turns to use the bathroom in the morning, before going downstairs together for breakfast. At night they did the same, both piling their clothes for the next day in the bathroom so there’d be no awkward shifting about in the bedroom.
‘My turn,’ Ellie said brightly, setting down her cup of coffee, as Alex left the bathroom in nothing more than a pair of colourful swim shorts. Thick chest and strong limbs on full display. She doubted she’d ever get bored of seeing him.
Christ, the man had no idea what his body did to her libido!
Ellie suspected Alex was just going along with her privacy routine to make her feel less awkward about her insecurities.
He never seemed bothered about his nakedness, and slept in nothing more than boxers each night, while Ellie had a variety of pyjamas.
She supposed that was why he had a small suitcase and she had a giant one.
The rest of the day was spent together, which was never a hardship.
They never seemed to tire of each other’s company, and even when they ran out of things to say the silence never felt awkward.
Alex seemed content to do whatever she suggested, whether it was lie in hammocks or, like today, spend it at the pool with the others.
Did he always agree to her suggestions because he didn’t mind, or was it because he wanted to maintain the facade of their relationship?
She wasn’t sure, because even when they were alone their fake dating felt real.
A fact that frightened and excited her wishful heart.
Was she going mad? Was it just the fact that they’d been stuck in the suite together, or were they becoming close, like a weird consensual version of Stockholm syndrome?
Or was there something genuine beneath their fake happiness?
After all, it was true – she’d never had a better boyfriend than Alex.
Never been happier to live a lie. Alex was kind, considerate, fun and the sexiest man she’d ever met.
When she was with him, she felt cherished and respected.
But of course he had to behave like that in front of his parents.
The soft looks he gave her, the time they spent together, it was all for someone else’s benefit, and he was an actor.
This was nothing more than a performance.
Except, sometimes he stared at her with such…
yearning. Had she imagined those hot looks he’d given her last night during their movie night?
More than once, she’d wondered if he was going to kiss her, and this time they’d been alone in their room, with no audience to speak of.
But he’d not kissed her, and surely that was answer enough?
She had to remember his words: I’ll do better next time. Alex planned to date again, and it wasn’t going to be with her. Perhaps their time together had simply awakened his libido – as it had hers. It wasn’t that serious, just a powerful calculation of hormones + proximity = desire.
But Ellie wasn’t the type to have a casual romance; she could never leave her heart out of the bedroom. If she allowed things to happen between them, it would only end in disaster.
No, she couldn’t bear it.
Alex had already admitted he’d never been able to make a proper connection with his previous girlfriends.
What on earth made her any different? She’d promised to be his friend, nothing more.
The worst thing she could do right now would be to ruin this blissful time by exploding a reality bomb in both their faces.
There was no point hoping for more or acting on their fleeting desires; it would only ruin a beautiful holiday.
Better to keep her mouth shut. Then, when the holiday ended and they inevitably drifted apart, she could look back on this friendship with kinder eyes, and, most of all, be grateful that she hadn’t humiliated herself.
She’d done that too many times in the past – jumped in with both feet, only to find herself looking like a prize idiot.
Ellie stared down at her polka dot bikini with a frown.
It’s now or never.
If she didn’t wear it today, she might as well throw it in the bin. Alex was right, the lifestyle of Hollywood starlets wasn’t possible for most women.
Ellie and every other plus-size person on the planet knew the truth. Genetics, appetite, medical conditions and mental health were all factors in body shape. No points plan, burpees or calorie deficit could eradicate obesity, because obesity was the symptom of far more complex issues.
The last time she’d worn a bikini was when she went on a girls’ holiday with Hannah to Tenerife to celebrate passing their nursing degree, and a lot of years had passed between then and now.
A twinge of sadness hit her at that realisation.
No wonder Hannah had run off to Australia; they’d not been on a decent holiday in years – all because she’d insisted on saving for the flat.
Maybe she should have lived her life, instead of planning for a future that had never been guaranteed.
Still, did living your best life really have to involve wearing a bikini? Many people wore those hideous plastic Crocs; just because you could didn’t mean you should.
She thought of Jessica, who’d gone swimming with pigs in a gold lamé bikini and an open see-through kaftan. She’d not given two hoots about the bright young things around her – she’d rocked her older body without a care in the world.
Why shouldn’t Ellie? How many years had she spent improving her relationship with her body, only to fall apart at the first sight of a couple of supermodels?
She needed to practise what she preached.
Forget self-doubt.
Embrace her body and love the skin she was in.
She picked the scraps of material up off the bathroom dresser – because of course there was room for a dresser in this huge bathroom. She held the top against her and looked in the mirror. There would be nipple coverage, but not much else.
A quick glance at the bottoms confirmed there wasn’t much difference in the quantity of fabric.
The ties on both bottoms and top were silly thin strings with silver beads at the ends.
She’d picked the style because she could then adjust the tightness of the ties, and hopefully ensure it stayed in place.
‘Fuck it!’ she whispered, and ripped off the hygiene crotch sticker with one quick whip of her wrist. She stared in horror at the plastic strip, as if she’d just scalped a navy-blue puppy.
Too late now.
Horrified and elated, she quickly put the bikini on, then stepped back as far as she could to view as much of herself in the bathroom mirror as was possible.
What should have been such a small thing – wearing a bikini – felt like a pole vault to Ellie.
She may as well have been competing in the Olympics, because putting aside all her fears and doubts was a huge leap of faith.
A jump she could only make successfully if she trusted in herself and left the past behind.
She knotted and re-knotted the ties a hundred times, adjusting and then readjusting the straps until she was happy. There was a fine line between securely covering her privates and cutting off her circulation, but she’d managed it.
After a deep breath, she left the safety of the bathroom to face the consequences of her spiteful rebellion.
‘Ready to go…’ Alex’s question died with a strangled cough as she walked into the bedroom. She fought the urge to cover herself.
The look on his face sealed the bikini’s fate.
Alex’s mouth was slack and his gaze burned with lust. Ellie grinned, a blush of pleasure flaming her cheeks.
‘I’m ready.’
Alex quickly turned away from her, gathering up her beach bag and towels as if his life depended on it.
‘Great,’ he said, clutching the beach bag in front of his lower body in a suspicious way.
‘Damn, girl…’ Caitlyn said with an easy grin as they arrived at the pool. Ellie gave her a cheeky wink. The bikini was now the best purchase of her entire life.
‘I brought everyone an inflatable. I thought we could have races,’ said Savannah merrily, as she pointed out several massive inflatable lilos in a range of different shapes.
‘I want the unicorn!’ shouted Holly.
Everyone gathered around to pick out their inflatable, and Liam blew each one up with a whiny electric pump.
Ellie wasn’t sure how much her bikini would hold up in a race. ‘I think I’m going to read that book you recommended, Savannah. I downloaded it to my Kindle last night.’ She made her way over to the loungers and settled down. Alex came to join her.
‘You don’t want to race on the hot dog?’ she asked with mock surprise.
Alex sank leisurely onto the lounger beside hers, his body fully turned towards her. ‘I’d rather stay here with you. The view’s better.’ He lowered his glasses in a coy way, a seductive smile on his lips.
Heat engulfed her from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, igniting a responding lust within her as she stared at the beautiful man in front of her in disbelief. Then again, they weren’t alone – perhaps it was all an act?
Unconvinced that he meant it, she said confidently, ‘All right, Mr Lothario. Enjoy the view while I enjoy my book.’
She smoothed some deep conditioning treatment through her hair and tied it up in a headscarf. She wanted her hair in tip-top condition for the wedding; there were only a couple of days to go until the big day, and all the sea and sun had frazzled her ends.
After the races ended, everyone flopped back onto the sun loungers for a rest.
Richie came out to the pool and started talking to Alex about a new script he’d just received from a top Hollywood producer. Alex kept giving her side looks, as if seeking her approval, which she deliberately ignored.
‘Listen, this would be a guaranteed blockbuster,’ snapped Richie, obviously irritated by Alex’s lack of attention.
‘But a move back to LA?’ Alex glanced at Ellie. ‘I’m not sure if that’s what I want.’